Joe Pera Talks With You 2x6

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Joe Pera and you bring a big cooler to a bachelor party in the woods.

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1. Hello. I'm Joe Pera.

2. And I just got back from my first-ever bachelor party.

3. It was for Sue Melsky's brother Dave.

4. I actually only met him once.

5. But Mike Melsky was hosting at his cabin

6. and practically begged me to come,

7. along with my 150-quart cooler

8. that holds up to 223 cans.

9. I got it as a gift when I graduated college.

10. Ow.

11. At first, I was skeptical of the whole bachelor party thing.

12. Geez.

13. I sound like a bride.

14. It's just that I don't often hang out with guys my own age.

15. If only there were a book titled

16. "How to Connect With Other Men in Their 30s."

17. I would read the whole thing

18. and then be the life of the party.

19. Hey, guys.

20. Thanks for watching Gus while I was away.

21. How did it go?

22. Josh ate the dog food. Shut up.

23. He thought it was cereal.

24. Shut up!

25. Can we stay and watch the rest of the movie?

26. Sure.

27. Sarah's coming over soon,

28. and I was just about to get dinner started.

29. Which you're welcome to stay for.

30. We're having dog food.

31. Just kidding.

32. We're having salmon, mashed potatoes,

33. asparagus, and water.

34. Cool. I actually like asparagus.

35. That is cool.

36. And, um, so you guys know,

37. you're always welcome here.

38. Thanks. Thanks, Joe.

39. The guys were real nice to make me feel welcome,

40. but since I hadn't gotten comfortable around them,

41. I wasn't super talkative.

42. Mike wasn't saying much, either.

43. But I reminded myself

44. what I tell the boys in choir before a concert.

45. Even if you feel silly,

46. just go with the flow and trying to have fun.

47. Yeah, 100%. I'm just giving credit.

48. - Hell yeah.

49. So, Dave.

50. What are the top 10 reasons

51. you're most excited to get married?

52. Um I don't know that I could do 10

53. off the top of my head,

54. but, I mean, obviously Maria's a total smoke show.

55. Ahh. Oh, damn.

56. One of the rules this weekend

57. was that every time Dave said his fiancée, Maria's, name,

58. he had to do a shot.

59. It's like they were training him

60. to associate her with nausea and vomiting.

61. Again? Damn.

62. This night is about to turn into "The Hangover."

63. All we need is a baby, a tiger,

64. and for Joel to get his teeth knocked out.

65. And strippers. JK.

66. Dude, no strippers, man. I promised Maria.

67. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, whoops.

68. I love her so much. I'm gonna keep saying her name.

69. Sorry, guys. Whew, there's a lot of this whiskey.

70. You gonna be all right?

71. Yo, does anybody got a pill speaker?

72. We need to get some ♪ boom-boom-pow in here.

73. Joel, aren't you a music guy?

74. I actually teach middle-school choir.

75. Nice, dude. I'm in sales.

76. I wish I was pulling down six figures like you, though.

77. Stacking dough, you know what I mean?

78. I'm actually saving up right now so I can buy this plane.

79. Check it out. Wow.

80. Believe it or not, I've never been on an airplane before.

81. You've never been on an airplane before.

82. No. Yo, I can't even process that.

83. Jimmy!

84. Not the ball, dumb-ass.

85. I need a brewski like my mama needs a kidney.

86. How's she doing, by the way?

87. She's hanging in there.

88. Yeah. All you can do, man. Joe.

89. I'm okay. Oh.

90. I'm sorry.

91. Jimmy brought all the beer for the weekend.

92. He's a sales rep for the craft brewery

93. where Maria bartends.

94. That's how she and Dave met.

95. Jimmy and Dave have been friends since childhood.

96. They made a pact when they were 9

97. that they'd be the best men at each other's wedding.

98. Sorry. I'm mostly saying this stuff

99. so I can remember it myself.

100. Shit was bootylicious.

101. Yeah, it's our new IPA.

102. It's a double dry-hopped with Citra hops

103. to give it that nice citrusy flavor.

104. Not really a shotgun beer, but...

105. It does taste good.

106. I was thinking of taking a hike.

107. If I could see an eastern milk snake today,

108. I'd be a pretty happy man.

109. Anybody want to come with?

110. I think we're just gonna be chilling here,

111. but it's pretty cool that you offered that up, man.

112. Thanks.

113. Carlos?

114. No.

115. Mike?

116. No.

117. All right.

118. Well, I better go before it gets dark.

119. If anybody changes their mind,

120. I walk pretty slow.

121. You can just catch up.

122. Be careful, Joel.

123. Rumor has it there's a portal to hell out there.

124. Okay.

125. Right, fellas?

126. Have fun milking snakes.

127. He's just trying to find them, dude.

128. Have fun doing it, then.

129. I kind of admire Carlos's ability to say

130. whatever pops into his head as it pops into his head.

131. It usually takes me a long time to decide what to say.

132. Speaking of, I had such a lovely hike.

133. Kind of thought it was a shame everyone else

134. preferred to just drink beer and eat sausage.

135. Nothing against beer or sausage.

136. I like and have opinions on both of them.

137. If you ask me sometime, maybe I'll say.

138. Why didn't I say them then?

139. FYI, my dudes,

140. I tend to wet the bed when I black out,

141. and I'm definitely gonna try to black out tonight.

142. Oh, shit. What up, Joel?

143. You find that eastern milky snake?

144. No, unfortunately. Not my lucky day.

145. Hey, man. I'm Kevin.

146. I'm Dave's older brother.

147. Joe. Nice to meet you.

148. You, uh, care to have something to eat, or something?

149. Yeah. Is anyone gonna eat that sausage?

150. That's all you, bro.

151. And sorry there's no buns

152. 'cause Carlos frickin' ate them all.

153. No, I didn't.

154. I only had like three.

155. Times 852.

156. Did you seriously eat all the buns?

157. Yeah, dude. I'm carb loading so I can beat your ass.

158. Pa-kow!

159. Get off, man!

160. I got a bad back!

161. Man, I fell off the world's tallest barstool in Sheboygan!

162. Shut up!

163. Is this just 'cause of buns?

164. Fellas, that's enough.

165. - Mike, enough. - You been talking all night!

166. Mike, stop.

167. Come on. Let go.

168. Let go of him, Mike. Get off him.

169. What the hell, dude?

170. I had him right where I wanted him.

171. Mike, come here. Take a walk. Take a walk.

172. Is everything all right, Mike?

173. Sue kicked me out.

174. Sue kicked me out.

175. Yeah. Can you believe that?

176. She kicked me out.

177. 24/7, we're together.

178. I go to work, she's there.

179. "Mike, blah, blah, blah."

180. I go home, she's there.

181. "Mike, blah, blah, blah."

182. I go to bed, there she is.

183. And she wants nothing to do with me.

184. And we haven't boned since Brexit.

185. I'm sorry. I know she's your sister.

186. And, Carlos, I'm sorry.

187. Ordinarily we'd be super cool hanging out,

188. but I just am — I'm —

189. I'm feeling insane tonight.

190. No worries, man. That happens all the time.

191. When'd she kick you out?

192. Like last week.

193. Are you gonna get a divorce, Mike?

194. No, Joe, I won't get divorced

195. because the pope does not let me do that.

196. I'm not a Hollywood celebrity

197. that gets divorced every 20 minutes.

198. Mike, listen to me.

199. This is just a hiccup. - Yeah.

200. Me and Maria even has ups and downs.

201. I do get worried she can cheat on me again.

202. If it can happen once, it can happen again.

203. Drink up, buddy. Shit.

204. Look, I'm not going to defend my sister,

205. but it was Mardi Gras.

206. Some guy started grinding on her.

207. They made out. She felt guilty.

208. Immediately called and told you everything.

209. I don't know if I'd call that cheating.

210. Look, sorry I ate all the buns, fellas.

211. I crave carbs when I'm stressed,

212. and I'm dealing with a lot of BS right now.

213. My mom's on the waiting list for a kidney.

214. I tried to give her one of mine,

215. but the doctor said they're too big.

216. And this country is so divided right now.

217. And, like, I had the perfect plan to stop it.

218. But, like...

219. During Carlos' speech,

220. all I could think about were Mike, Sue,

221. and most importantly, the kids.

222. How is this going to affect them?

223. If I wasn't in my head all the time,

224. maybe I could have, I don't know —

225. I don't know.

226. like my mom still does.

227. Boy, am I glad to see you.

228. How were the guys?

229. Good. Good guys.

230. Did it make you regret not joining a fraternity in college?

231. No.

232. Are the kids staying for dinner?

233. Yeah. I'll tell you later.

234. Food's ready.

235. How was the movie?

236. Good. Awesome!

237. Okay.

238. I hope we cooked the asparagus to your liking, Josh.

239. Thank you.

240. Hey, no phones at the table.

241. Sorry. What's so funny?

242. I probably shouldn't show you. But...

243. Let me see. Hey.

244. Oh, my God, Uncle Dave.

245. That's what happened this weekend.