1. WWW.MY-SUBS.COCopy !req
1. Goddamn, I'm bored!Copy !req
2. Come on. Let's do something.
We're a little busy here, Frank.Copy !req
3. What the hell are you reading?
In Touch.Copy !req
4. In Touch?
Why would you read that crap?Copy !req
5. We are trying to stay "in touch"
with what's happening in the world.Copy !req
6. I'm sorry if we like to
keep ourselves informed.Copy !req
7. You want to be informed?
Read a newspaper. Dude!Copy !req
8. Nobody gets their news
from a newspaper anymore.Copy !req
9. Ah, no, no, no. But, Dennis, look.
"Plutonium smuggled into Syria. "Copy !req
10. That's gonna change my life drastically.Copy !req
11. That's gonna change everyone's lives! No
one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!Copy !req
12. Don't you guys get tired of doing
nothin' except sitting around drinking?Copy !req
13. What does that mean? Is that a joke?
How could you get tired of that?Copy !req
14. Heyoh! What's up, bitches?
What is up?Copy !req
15. Turn the TV on right now, dude!
This is huge! Turn the TV on!Copy !req
16. I'm gonna be on the news!
Oh, my God.Copy !req
17. There was an accident today. Then the
news talker asked Mac what happened.Copy !req
18. And he totally went off! I went
off for 20 minutes. It was amazing.Copy !req
19. I totally popped. Here it is! Oh,
you popped. You're gonna be famous.Copy !req
20. Shut up! Shut up! This is Ken Jacobs
coming to you from Market Street...Copy !req
21. where two buses collided
just minutes ago.Copy !req
22. We talked to one local resident who had
this to say. It was absolutely crazy.Copy !req
23. Police are currently investigating the
cause of the accident. Back to you, Jim.Copy !req
24. What the hell was that?Copy !req
25. Yeah, you really popped. I
think you're gonna be a star.Copy !req
26. You're gonna be a big star.
Be in a magazine. No, no, no.Copy !req
27. I talked for, like, 20 minutes
about how the traffic system sucks.Copy !req
28. And the lights... And that we
should only have yellow lights...Copy !req
29. because then we can be very cautious
but not get stuck in traffic.Copy !req
30. It was great. That sounds
incredibly dangerous and stupid.Copy !req
31. The point is that that newscaster...
that bastard newscaster...Copy !req
32. just went in there and cut it
all up... Cut you all up, dude!Copy !req
33. Just to make his corporate
bosses happy, which is bullshit.Copy !req
34. Nobody's getting the real news
anymore! That's not real news.Copy !req
35. Remember when we made the news show
for eighth grade? For social studies?Copy !req
36. Now, see, that was real
news. We didn't distort facts!Copy !req
37. We told it like it was.
Yes!Copy !req
38. Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were
burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.Copy !req
39. That was what was happening! That's
what was going on in the world, man!Copy !req
40. That was the truth. We'd been throwing
rocks at cats for years, Dennis.Copy !req
41. We had been! And that's
what we were reporting on.Copy !req
42. What was happening in the
world! We can make better news.Copy !req
43. We could, Charlie. You
want me to grab my camera?Copy !req
44. Yes. Just like the old days. Let's
go out there. Let's make some news.Copy !req
45. I want in on this action because
I am bored to death sitting here.Copy !req
46. No, that's a bad idea. Usually when
you get involved, somebody gets hurt.Copy !req
47. That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around
with the guys. How's anybody gonna get hurt?Copy !req
48. How much more tape? I just
don't want it to jiggle around.Copy !req
49. I don't want to put any more tape
on it. I'm the one who's carrying it.Copy !req
50. What are you guys doing? I've put
a light on the front of the camera.Copy !req
51. What this does is it makes
the news talker look brighter.Copy !req
52. It always looked fine when we did
it. Frank's got a good idea here.Copy !req
53. We're gonna put this
stuff on public access TV.Copy !req
54. Anybody can get on that!
Yeah.Copy !req
55. What? Nobody watches that shit!Copy !req
56. Dude, there's all sorts of
great stuff on public access.Copy !req
57. Oh, is there? Well, let's see what kind
of quality programming we have here.Copy !req
58. What is this?
This is public access.Copy !req
59. God, that Is so strange.
Ew.Copy !req
60. Should I turn It off?Copy !req
61. No! Well, don't jump to... We'll
just keep it on for a little bit.Copy !req
62. Let's watch it for a little
while. Let's find out what...Copy !req
63. Do It.Copy !req
64. Get after it, huh?
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
65. All right, let's turn It
off! Turn It off! Shut It off!Copy !req
66. Okay. We're gonna go
down to the power plant...Copy !req
67. and talk about how it's
giving the whole city cancer.Copy !req
68. Holy shit, dude! I didn't know
that! He's making it up, Charlie.Copy !req
69. Why would you do that? That's a great
story! It scares the shit out of everybody.Copy !req
70. Yeah. Everybody will be terrified.Copy !req
71. We don't want to just scare people. We
want to blow the lid off of real scandals.Copy !req
72. Expose real crime and corruption.
What?Copy !req
73. People don't care about that shit. They
want glitz and glamour, celebrities.Copy !req
74. They want to read about shit that's gonna
help them forget how miserable their lives are.Copy !req
75. And pretend like they know what it's like to
be famous 'cause that's what everybody wants.Copy !req
76. Of course everybody wants to be famous
'cause celebrities get everything.Copy !req
77. Easiest job in the world. You don't even
have to do anything anymore to be famous.Copy !req
78. No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's
just a dirty, drunken whore.Copy !req
79. You could be famous for being a dirty, drunk
whore. You're a dirty, drunk whore already.Copy !req
80. I'm not. But I could be famous if I
just got drunk, went out to a club...Copy !req
81. let people shoot some video
with their fancy camera phones.Copy !req
82. Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple
nip slips. Boom. You'd be famous like that.Copy !req
83. I think I'd like to avoid the nip slips and
up skirts. I see where you're going with this.Copy !req
84. I'll talk you into it at some point. And I
could be famous just by being friends with you.Copy !req
85. Absolutely.
Great. Good luck with that.Copy !req
86. Frank, Charlie and I are gonna
go to where the real action is.Copy !req
87. Boom!Copy !req
88. Why'd you drag us to a place like this?Copy !req
89. It smells like
the bottom of a birdcage.Copy !req
90. Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes,
Frank, okay? These places are like prisons.Copy !req
91. Like people getting assraped?Copy !req
92. What? Oh, my God, dude. No, not
like people getting assraped.Copy !req
93. People don't want to be here because they
feel like... They're getting assraped.Copy !req
94. Nobody's getting assraped, Frank!
God, man. Stop saying "assraped. "Copy !req
95. We're locked and loaded here,
man. I'm ready to shoot this thing.Copy !req
96. Let's talk to this woman. Yeah,
let's go. Come on. Let's move.Copy !req
97. Okay, here we go. I'm gonna
do, like, a catchphrase thing.Copy !req
98. Ready? In, three, two, one.
Here we go.Copy !req
99. Good afternoon, Philadelphia. This is Mac coming
to you live from the Malvin Retirement Home.Copy !req
100. Go, go, go, go. Hello,
miss. What's your name?Copy !req
101. Irvene Simon.Copy !req
102. Hello, Irvene. Why don't you tell
us what's really going on here?Copy !req
103. Cool face. Hold It. Hold It.Copy !req
104. Well, I get up around 5:00.Copy !req
105. 5:30, if it's bingo the night before.Copy !req
106. Then I eat breakfast.
I like to have fruit.Copy !req
107. She steals the grapes!
I do not!Copy !req
108. Check her purse! I think we've
covered breakfast. Let's move past it.Copy !req
109. Good save.
Then after breakfast...Copy !req
110. I like to sit and read recipes.Copy !req
111. I don't even know how to cook.Copy !req
112. Is there anything that you
want to tell the world, Irvene?Copy !req
113. My grandson's birthday's on Friday.Copy !req
114. No, no. Is there anything about
this place that you don't like?Copy !req
115. The blacks.
Cut!Copy !req
116. Cut! Cut that! What are you cutting
for? That was just starting to get good.Copy !req
117. It was not good, okay? It was the ramblings
of a crazy, old racist. Is it hot in here?Copy !req
118. I meant to bring this up. How are
you sweating so much? It's freezing!Copy !req
119. It's freezing! Yeah. They
try to keep them alive.Copy !req
120. Because meat spoils slower in
a fridge. So they keep it cold.Copy !req
121. That interview was
terrible. It was terrible.Copy !req
122. We need a more exciting
truth. We do. Yeah.Copy !req
123. Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn
it to the ground! Now you're talking.Copy !req
124. We're not setting a
nursing home on fire!Copy !req
125. Those curtains would
go up like a snap.Copy !req
126. No, we need to find a more exciting
part of the city. Wait a second.Copy !req
127. I know just the place.Copy !req
128. The shit's always
going down in Chinatown, boys!Copy !req
129. Okay, okay.
Quick conference, guys.Copy !req
130. Everyone keep their eyes
peeled for drifting. All right?Copy !req
131. People here, they love
to... Look. Look at this guy.Copy !req
132. He's definitely a drifter. He's going to
his car and he's gonna slide it sideways.Copy !req
133. Oh, my God. And you know what happens
with Tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering.Copy !req
134. They always bicker. Which,
of course, leads to karate.Copy !req
135. Which eventually will lead to dudes flying
from window to window and treetop to treetop.Copy !req
136. Shooting lightning bolts
out of their fingers. Yeah!Copy !req
137. There's the guy that shoots the
lightning bolts out of his hands!Copy !req
138. He wears the big, straw
hat. And he does that.Copy !req
139. We're on the same page. His
eyes go all white and shit.Copy !req
140. Let's do It. And Kurt
Russell fights him.Copy !req
141. Oh, my God, dude. The
smell is overwhelming.Copy !req
142. What the hell are these guys doing?Copy !req
143. They're just trading fish for
other fish is what it looks like.Copy !req
144. They're not even bickering.
This isn't gonna lead to karate.Copy !req
145. I think what we gotta do is find one sick
guy and do a story about a new pandemic.Copy !req
146. No one cares about those kinda
things, Frank. This guy looks sick.Copy !req
147. That's the same fish they just passed
to each other. Like bird flu, fish flu.Copy !req
148. We gotta get 'em to fight. They just
passed that same fish head back and forth.Copy !req
149. You think we could
get 'em to fight? Whoa.Copy !req
150. Here we go.
What's that, huh?Copy !req
151. Oh, that looks exciting.
Ooh. Let's go.Copy !req
152. That's a bunch of people. Let's go.
Come on. Charlie, fire up that camera.Copy !req
153. I'm doing it.Copy !req
154. Can you see sweat? Because I'm
sweating a little bit. So much.Copy !req
155. Yeah? It's a lot? Okay. What
if I do... That's better. Go.Copy !req
156. Okay. Good afternoon, Philadelphia.
We're here in Chinatown...Copy !req
157. where a large crowd has gathered for
what can only be a martial arts showdown.Copy !req
158. You look scared. I'm not. I'm sorry.
I'm just sweating. It's very hot.Copy !req
159. Martial arts. Okay. Martial
arts expo... Just go in. Go in.Copy !req
160. Goddamn it!
Love 30.Copy !req
161. Whoa.Copy !req
162. A pandemic.
Bird flu! Bird flu!Copy !req
163. I think he's choking,
guys. What? He is choking!Copy !req
164. Frank, give him the Heimlich! I'm not
gonna touch him. I don't know what he's got.Copy !req
165. Do you know the Heimlich? I don't know the
Heimlich! Punch him in the stomach or something.Copy !req
166. Okay.Copy !req
167. Oh, baby!
I did it?Copy !req
168. You okay?
I did it!Copy !req
169. I saved your life! I saved
your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah!Copy !req
170. That is exactly the kind of
stuff we should be filming.Copy !req
171. I'm a hero! You got
that, right, Charlie?Copy !req
172. Yeah. Yeah. I did and
I didn't, Frank. What?Copy !req
173. I did and I didn't. You were
pointing the camera at him, right?Copy !req
174. You got it, right? The punch and
everything, right? No, I did...Copy !req
175. I did point the camera at it. But you
know what? I did not put a tape in here.Copy !req
176. What?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
177. The problem was that I got the flashlight
on. And I taped the whole deal up.Copy !req
178. I realized I'd have to cut all
the tape off to get the tape in.Copy !req
179. I didn't have much more duct tape. So I figured,
stick with the flashlight while we got it.Copy !req
180. So you never put a tape in? While we were
out there taping the guys with the fish!Copy !req
181. Oh, my God! See what's happening
here? We're getting a yelling...Copy !req
182. Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! Oh,
I'm sorry! I forgot to put a tape in!Copy !req
183. I forgot to put a tape in!Copy !req
184. All right, all right,
all right! All right.Copy !req
185. Here's what we do. We
recreate your heroic moment.Copy !req
186. That's it. We do it again.Copy !req
187. We just recreate it?
Yes!Copy !req
188. This time we put a tape
in... Tape in this time, yes.Copy !req
189. Take the light off of it maybe.
Yeah, maybe we don't sweat so much.Copy !req
190. Maybe we'll wear more makeup. Don't blame
it on my sweat glands. That's not fair.Copy !req
191. We'll just recreate the whole
thing. All right, let's...Copy !req
192. And you know, you can... And this time I
could... I could look a little bit more heroic.Copy !req
193. You could look a lot more heroic,
bro. We'll put enough makeup on you.Copy !req
194. You'll look like the shit. All right.
Let's just make some news, please.Copy !req
195. All right.Copy !req
196. Ooh! I feel like we've been
standing in this line forever!Copy !req
197. For like our lifetimes! I don't know if
we're ever gonna get inside of this place.Copy !req
198. Dee, it's a club. You
have to wait in a line.Copy !req
199. I gotta be honest with you. I feel like
I'm just a little bit too drunk to stand up.Copy !req
200. You were supposed to wait and get drunk
inside the club, not outside the club.Copy !req
201. Nobody gives a shit about a stupid,
drunk whore outside of a club.Copy !req
202. That's a lot of talking
you're doing. I gotta lay down.Copy !req
203. Lie down? What are you talking
about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh!Copy !req
204. Now you're just some stupid,
drunk chick lying in garbage.Copy !req
205. Night-night. "Night-night"?
Night-night. Great.Copy !req
206. You want to come in with us?Copy !req
207. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
208. Here, take this.
What is this?Copy !req
209. You'll see.Copy !req
210. Oh! Oh, my God!Copy !req
211. Holy shit, it's bright out here!Copy !req
212. Dee, get up. Get up! Come on!
What?Copy !req
213. Where am I? I'm crashing pretty hard.
I need to go home and get some sleep.Copy !req
214. What happened last night?Copy !req
215. Don't make me into the bad guy. I'm going
out of my way to make us both famous.Copy !req
216. It's not my fault if you're
not living up to your end.Copy !req
217. Okay. Well, why don't
you take my picture now?Copy !req
218. Dee, that's not gonna work, okay?Copy !req
219. You're not famous yet. You're just some
stupid, drunk chick who slept in her own puke.Copy !req
220. Really? We'll come back
tonight. Come on. Ride's leaving.Copy !req
221. Can...Copy !req
222. No, come on. I'm not gonna
stand in this big line again.Copy !req
223. We don't have to wait in line. Famous,
drunk whores, they don't wait in line.Copy !req
224. They shove their way to the front and
they take a shit all over the bouncer.Copy !req
225. That's what you're gonna do. Don't know if I
feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.Copy !req
226. You just gotta talk down to him a little
bit. Make him feel like he's beneath you.Copy !req
227. That way, he'd be too afraid
not to let you in. Right? Really?Copy !req
228. The guy doesn't want to
lose his job. I don't know.Copy !req
229. Dee, do you want
to be famous or not?Copy !req
230. All right? Take a
shit on this guy. Okay.Copy !req
231. Shove your way. Go. Shove,
shove. I can shit on him, I think.Copy !req
232. Hey, look out.
Jesus, you're in my way!Copy !req
233. Move it! Move it! Hey!
Okay. Good start.Copy !req
234. Short stuff, out of my way.
Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there.Copy !req
235. What's your name?
Dee Reynolds.Copy !req
236. You on the list? List? I don't
need to be on that list, you idiot.Copy !req
237. You piece of dirt. Who
are you? I step on you.Copy !req
238. I clean you off
of my shoes at night.Copy !req
239. I step on you, and then
I throw away the shoe.Copy !req
240. That shoe that I just threw away, that's
worth more than your worthless life, mister.Copy !req
241. And I am pissed because I
loved that shoe. You dirt.Copy !req
242. You piece of subhuman shit.Copy !req
243. Whoa, whoa. Dee, take
it easy, all right?Copy !req
244. I'm not gonna take it easy because
this talking dump of a bouncer...Copy !req
245. is starting to get on my nerves.Copy !req
246. I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole. Do
you know who I am? Do you have any idea?Copy !req
247. Or is your brain too tiny
to have ideas?Copy !req
248. Is there any kind of thought roaming
around in that thick, shit skull of yours?Copy !req
249. You with her?Copy !req
250. No! Nope.
What?Copy !req
251. And what is your name?
Dennis Reynolds.Copy !req
252. Dennis Reynolds? Well, what do you know,
Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list.Copy !req
253. No, no...
Oh, wow. That's awesome.Copy !req
254. What? But you're not gonna
go in without me, right?Copy !req
255. Uh...Copy !req
256. Dancing Guy!
Oh, I love your show, man.Copy !req
257. Wow, Dancing Guy!Copy !req
258. Stop pressing so hard.
Dude, I have to press hard.Copy !req
259. You get so nervous, you
sweat through it every time.Copy !req
260. Just make sure that it's even.
I'm gonna make it even, man!Copy !req
261. You need to just start calming down
and relaxing a little bit more, man.Copy !req
262. I'm very stressed out, Charlie. It's a
very stressful situation. Then relax, dude.Copy !req
263. Calm yourself a little bit. Hey,
hey, hey. I'm sorry. I just...Copy !req
264. No, come on, dude. Shh.
That's not such a...Copy !req
265. Well, it's...
Okay? Come on, dude.Copy !req
266. Hey, who's that sexy news guy
It's MacCopy !req
267. Yes, it's Mac
It's Mac.Copy !req
268. And he's on the channel
whatever we make it on newsCopy !req
269. Right?
We're gonna make it on the TVCopy !req
270. All right, here it is. You go into
the building. You go into the building.Copy !req
271. You run out.
And get the kitties.Copy !req
272. With the little box of
cats, right? A box of cats.Copy !req
273. And you save them.
You save them!Copy !req
274. I save them from what?Copy !req
275. Uh...Copy !req
276. Are you gonna set
the building on fire?Copy !req
277. No! Charlie, are you gonna
set the building on fire?Copy !req
278. Yes.
Goddamn it!Copy !req
279. You want the show to be
a hit or what?Copy !req
280. I am not running into a burning
building! It's gotta be exciting!Copy !req
281. That's what the news
talkers... Come on, dude.Copy !req
282. Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't
seem to get into any of the clubs.Copy !req
283. And if I can't get into any of the clubs,
then how the hell am I supposed to get famous?Copy !req
284. Three, two, action.Copy !req
285. Good evening, Philadelphia.
We've just received word that...Copy !req
286. a litter of adorable kittens is stranded
somewhere inside this building...Copy !req
287. that could erupt into
flames at any moment!Copy !req
288. Who will save them?
Good, good.Copy !req
289. Now shoot the building now.
What? Okay.Copy !req
290. Who will save them?
Move, dude!Copy !req
291. I know, but I'm saying... If
I could get into the... Go.Copy !req
292. Calm down, calm down,
calm down, dude!Copy !req
293. So I just go grab the box
of kittens and run out?Copy !req
294. Yeah. That's all there is to it. You'll
be famous. Everybody loves a hero.Copy !req
295. Okay. Sounds easy enough.Copy !req
296. Get to it.Copy !req
297. It smells overwhelmingly
like kerosene in here!Copy !req
298. Uhhuh.Copy !req
299. I cannot believe you guys.
I could've been killed!Copy !req
300. Somebody had to save those kittens.Copy !req
301. They were trapped inside a
burning building, Deandra.Copy !req
302. You set me on fire! We
set the building on fire.Copy !req
303. You just happened to
catch on fire. Barely.Copy !req
304. Yeah, we put you out.
That's right.Copy !req
305. I'm on fire! I'm on fire!Copy !req
306. Well, I do look really heroic.Copy !req
307. No, you do not look heroic! You threw
the box of kittens. How do you figure?Copy !req
308. I was on fire!Copy !req
309. We gotta shoot this shit
again. Yeah, like fire hurts.Copy !req
310. All right.Copy !req
311. Hey, Dancing Guy!
That's the man.Copy !req
312. Now this is entertainment.
Oh.Copy !req
313. I can't believe... It
doesn't make any sense, man.Copy !req
314. It's, like, what is he...Copy !req
315. What's the time? Diaper Time!Copy !req
316. Whoa!
What?Copy !req
317. That is weird.Copy !req
318. They're really
stepping up the insanity here.Copy !req
319. Where do they find these
people? Look at these people.Copy !req
320. Do you not find this sad and embarrassing
for them? Those people are pieces of shit.Copy !req
321. But I want to watch it. So much
and so often I want to watch it.Copy !req
322. I think we should throw parties
and just sort of watch it together.Copy !req
323. Because this is television
at its best. Definitely.Copy !req
324. People love well stories.
Really?Copy !req
325. Yes! I feel like well
stories are played out.Copy !req
326. Who gets stuck in a
well anymore? Kittens do.Copy !req
327. Kittens? You guys put
those kitties in there?Copy !req
328. What else were we supposed to
put down there, Dee? Oh, man!Copy !req
329. All right, fine. I'll do it.
But don't set it on fire, okay?Copy !req
330. I feel like this is dangerous
enough. Deandra, use your head.Copy !req
331. How are we gonna set a well on
fire? It's filled with water.Copy !req
332. Huh?
Get in the well!Copy !req
333. I'm going! Save the
kittens! Save the day!Copy !req
334. Give me the matches.
Yep.Copy !req
335. I found the kittens!Copy !req
336. Oh, come on!Copy !req
337. Okay, it's all good through here.Copy !req
338. Hey! There you go. She throws
the kittens in every take.Copy !req
339. Oh, she loves to ruin and
ruin and ruin and ruin.Copy !req
340. Do you guys mind keeping
it down a little bit?Copy !req
341. It's 5:00 in the afternoon.
What the hell?Copy !req
342. I was at the club all night. What?
Are you turning into a club kid now?Copy !req
343. Oh, man. You guys should've been there,
man. Everybody was there. It was so awesome.Copy !req
344. We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero
by, like, getting her to rescue kittens...Copy !req
345. in compromising situations.Copy !req
346. But she messes up every time!Copy !req
347. Hey, what if we set up, like, a
conveyor belt situation, right?Copy !req
348. Put the cats on that. And then at
the end of it, a chopping mechanism.Copy !req
349. Oh, yeah! Let's chop
cats! Hey! This is good!Copy !req
350. No.
Let's chop cats!Copy !req
351. We don't actually chop the cats. Dee
grabs them before they get chopped.Copy !req
352. We'll chop a couple cats so
that you know it's real. No.Copy !req
353. I don't think anybody's really gonna give a
shit about a nobody saving a bunch of kittens.Copy !req
354. But a celebrity saving
cats... Then you got a story.Copy !req
355. So what are you suggesting? I'm building
up quitCopy !req