It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 3x15

Directed by Matt Shakman

Joe Cortese as Sal • Randy Sklar as Fat Michael • Jason Sklar as DJ Squirrely D • Aja Evans as Gloria • Michael Auteri as Homeless Larry • Mary Elizabeth Ellis as Waitress • David Hornsby as Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mara

In the season finale, Charlie accidentally puts Paddy's up as a prize for a dance marathon, which prompts the gang to enter the competition in order to save their bar.

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1. I'm not gonna read this bullshit. Just get me a Coors.

2. "What do I think my greatest strength as a server is?"

3. - What the hell is this, Frank? - Employee evaluation.

4. This bar is a business and we're gonna start acting like one.

5. I do not want to start acting like a business

6. because that sounds boring as shit. - Yeah, that sounds terrible.

7. Plus this thing's 10 pages long. I'm not gonna fill it out.

8. - That's gonna affect your rank. - What rank?

9. I put us all on a ranking system so you would care about your jobs.

10. - Are we ranked now? - Yes, we are.

11. - What's my rank? - Second, after me.

12. - Wait! What's my rank? - You're third.

13. - What? Why am I third? - Too volatile.

14. - Bullshit! That is bullshit! - Okay.

15. - What am I? - You're fifth.

16. Fifth? That's last. Why in the hell would I be last?

17. - Too much lip and very sassy. - Sassy? That doesn't make sense.

18. Like right now. You just don't know when to shut up.

19. - Hello! - You are late.

20. I just signed the bar up to host a dance competition

21. that's gonna be hosted live by the Q Crew on 102 Radio!

22. - The Q Crew! Good work! - Yeah.

23. That would be a good idea, except it's not a dance contest.

24. - It's a dance marathon. - What's the point?

25. It's an endurance competition.

26. We're gonna be enduring free promotion on the radio.

27. "Paddy's Bar. Saturday.

28. With Charlie Kelly. Paddy's Pub."

29. - You put the bar up as a prize? - No.

30. I put the bar under the "Pride" section, things you're proud of.

31. It's a "Z", Charlie! Prize!

32. - Didn't you read that thing? - I gave it a once-over!

33. - Your illiteracy screwed us again! - Your illiteracy is screwing us!

34. - That doesn't make any sense! - I have an important question.

35. Does this make Charlie number five and I'm number four?

36. - Because in light of... - Dee! Shut up!

37. Stop with the sass! This is what Frank is talking about!

38. - You never know when to shut up. - Maybe this thing isn't legal.

39. No, it's legal. There was a lawyer there.

40. - What are we gonna do now? - We're gonna dance our asses off!

41. Hey, everybody. DJ Squirrely D and Fat Michael here from Q102.

42. - The Q Crew. - Coming to you from Paddy's Pub!

43. Kicking off our old-time dance marathon.

44. Where the owners have put up their bar as the first prize.

45. How about a quick recap of the rules for our listeners?

46. All dancers must remain on their feet and dancing at all times.

47. If you drop to the floor, you are out.

48. - People, this could take hours. - It could take days.

49. It could take weeks. So stay tuned, 'cause someone's gonna win a bar!

50. - But only right here on Q102. - The Q Crew!

51. - Good job, Charlie. - Take it easy and enjoy yourself,

52. 'cause I'm gonna win this thing with this right here!

53. - What the hell is that? - Eighth grade dance competition.

54. - I won to this song. - It's an endurance competition.

55. We're not gonna win the bar back with some dance you did in 1989.

56. They don't care if you dance well. It's a marathon.

57. What's up, assholes?

58. - What the hell you doing here? - I'm here to win your bar.

59. Awesome. This whole thing was a mistake.

60. So maybe you can help us win the bar back.

61. Why would I ever help you do anything?

62. All you've ever done... Stop. All you've done is screw me over.

63. Now I'm here to win back your bar.

64. - We're good though, right? - Go to hell.

65. Do you want to partner up in this dance competition?

66. Stop touching me, Charlie.

67. Hello, jerks. Surprised to see me back?

68. Rickety Cricket. You're here to win the bar because we ruined your life.

69. Good guess.

70. And I'm gonna win this bar with the help of my shiny new legs.

71. The latest leg brace technology courtesy of Pennsylvania.

72. Maybe we should partner up, ruin their lives together.

73. - Maybe we should. Jealous? - No.

74. - Let's go, Cricket. - It's Matthew.

75. Holy shit.

76. What's going on with Rickety Cricket's new legs?

77. - They look so sturdy. - He's half machine.

78. He's got a liquid hydraulic cooling system going on with that thing.

79. That's cheating, dude. He's gonna win with those things.

80. - It's like an exoskeleton. - It's exactly like an exoskeleton!

81. We'll have to resort to foul play.

82. There's no point in taking any chances. Let's get dirty.

83. Maybe he'll sweat so much he'll rust those bionic legs.

84. We should kick him in the dick!

85. - What is that awful noise? - We got our first challenge!

86. I need Mac to collect his dignity and step to the center.

87. What? We've only been dancing for two minutes. Who's challenged me?

88. Shit.

89. Our two dancers have one song to strut their stuff.

90. The loser will have to wear this 25-pound keg around his neck

91. for the rest of the competition. - Talk about a ball and chain.

92. - I'm going through a messy divorce. - He's not gonna go down easy.

93. No way. He's fueled by vengeance

94. and reinforced with space-age technology.

95. - And go! - My legs!

96. - The technology failed me! - He's fallen and he can't get up!

97. - I am stealing that line! - It's already yours!

98. All right. That's our first casualty of the night.

99. But stay tuned. There's plenty more where that came from.

100. Why don't we mix things up a little bit, by slowing things down?

101. Everybody couple up and hit the dance floor.

102. Don't be afraid to get "sextra" close.

103. - Osmond close on Q102. - The Q Crew.

104. I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.

105. Relax, dude. I forgot to put on deodorant.

106. - You gonna give me shit all day? - I never saw you wear deodorant.

107. You've never seen me wash my testicles,

108. but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

109. And I swear to God you've got lice, man.

110. I see little bugs crawling all over your body.

111. That's glitter. I tried to make myself look a little fancy.

112. - Mr. Fancy Pants. - Excuse me.

113. I'm just trying to have a good competition here.

114. I gotta get outta here. When is the partner switch?

115. This could be a great idea to shake things up a little bit.

116. Use the partner switch to get inside people's heads.

117. Why is the person that's ranked last trying to hatch a plan?

118. - Yeah, I wonder that too. - I just came up with an idea.

119. This could be a good opportunity to shake things up.

120. We could use this partner switch to get into people's heads.

121. - Now you're talking! - Are you being serious?

122. Shut up. We're hatching a plan.

123. But we're gonna need a man on the outside. Frank, that's you.

124. Why? Because I'm old? That's bullshit!

125. No, dude. Because you're the best at scheming.

126. We need you on the outside running things. Take a knee.

127. - Kneel down. - Take a knee for the team, buddy.

128. Yeah, there you go!

129. - Another one bites the dust. - Q Crew!

130. We did just screw him over to kick him out of the contest, right?

131. - Absolutely. - What?

132. And by the way, when we get the bar back, you're ranked last!

133. You can't rank me last. I created the ranking system.

134. Then you shouldn't have dropped out, you old bitch.

135. You lousy bastards.

136. So who's next? Who's looking good out there?

137. That young couple over there looks pretty limber.

138. - We should take them out. - Okay, I'll take the girl.

139. I'm gonna dance with the waitress for a little while.

140. That's not gonna work. Mac, take the waitress.

141. You can tire her out with your spastic movement.

142. I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.

143. Whatever it is.

144. You should get into it more, Dee.

145. This is great, Dee. This is so restful.

146. I'm really building up my reserves for later.

147. I'm just really glad I can be of help, Charlie.

148. Thank you.

149. Mac and the waitress are getting pretty close.

150. What's the matter? Can't keep up?

151. No, I can't understand why you're dancing like that.

152. I feel like you're gonna hit me. Please don't hit me.

153. Good. Don't be afraid to get in real close, okay?

154. Okay. How long have you been a dance instructor?

155. A long time. Years.

156. My fiancé and I we're not really dancers.

157. We just joined this competition because we both got laid off.

158. Right. I'm gonna dip you down now.

159. Just stick your knee into my groin, just like that.

160. Grind your hips and pulse your thighs. Ready? Go.

161. - What the hell are you doing? - Relax. He's an instructor.

162. He's showing me a new dance. What's it called again?

163. - The Rococo Bang. - That's funny.

164. - Isn't it? - Looks like he's feeling you up.

165. I don't want to get in the middle of anything here.

166. I'm just trying to teach your fiancée a new dance.

167. You don't want to deprive her of that, do you?

168. I think a little dance instruction might help us last longer.

169. - All right. Just make it quick. - I'll make it quick.

170. Gloria, for this next part you're gonna want to grip my buttocks.

171. - Okay. Like that? - Right.

172. Now we're gonna go down nice and low.

173. Now grind and shift . and around and push

174. - And feel and grip and grip. Good. - I see. Yeah.

175. - I'm over it anyway. - Are you?

176. So let's not worry about it.

177. Let's just talk about other things for a little bit.

178. I'm glad you're over it, 'cause he's definitely gonna bang her.

179. - He's gonna bang her? - You're not over it!

180. I gotta stop that. I can't let that go on.

181. You gotta get Mac out of this competition.

182. - Yes! I gotta get him out. - You gotta get rid of him.

183. - How would I do that? - I got an idea.

184. They burned you, too, didn't they?

185. I know how it feels. The pain, the hurt.

186. How about you and me join forces, and we make things right?

187. - Get lost, street rat! - I was a man of the cl...

188. Look, I want these guys, Frank. I want them!

189. And I will stalk the streets and live in the shadows of the night

190. until the streets of Philadelphia run red with their blood!

191. - You got a lot of anger in you. - You're damn right!

192. - Are you in or out? - I'm in.

193. Here he is. What a competition... Saw you dancing with the waitress.

194. But I'm not jealous. I'm very impressed with your dance moves.

195. Thank you, Charlie.

196. Much better dancing than people give you credit for.

197. - I've always thought that. - The elbow thing...

198. You like the elbow thing? It's a specifically choreographed.

199. - I'll show it to you one day. - I don't want to learn it.

200. You probably couldn't pull it off anyway.

201. - How do you feel about Dennis? - Dennis?

202. Dennis has been driving me crazy.

203. - I feel like he's a little jealous. - And nervous.

204. Nervous that you're gonna be ranked number one

205. when this whole thing goes down. - You think so?

206. Absolutely!

207. First of all, you deserve to be ranked number one at the bar.

208. I think I do. I think I deserve to be number one.

209. I've been working so hard for so many years.

210. The cream always rises to the top.

211. You're made of cream, and your cream is all over his face, man.

212. - That pisses him off. - He hates that shit, dude.

213. I'm always putting my cream all over his face, and it pisses him off.

214. - My Gid. - We need to take Dennis out.

215. - You think? - Yes!

216. - And there's only one way to do it. - What's that?

217. - You don't want to do this. - I think I do, buddy.

218. 'Cause I got the moves that are gonna make me number one.

219. Why don't you just go with the best dancer?

220. Hit it.

221. - Goddamn it! - Well, glad that's settled.

222. I think I'm gonna go get in that chick's pants now.

223. I thought they were engaged. - Engaged. That's just a word.

224. - It doesn't mean anything. - It means they're getting married.

225. Married, engaged. They're just words.

226. My parents were married and engaged once.

227. You saw how that worked out. I'm gonna go bang that chick.

228. Enjoy wearing that keg for the rest of the competition.

229. Yeah, that's good.

230. Looking a little stiff there.

231. - Want me to give you pointers? - That's okay.

232. Come on, man. Let me show you some moves.

233. - He's just trying to help. - All right, fine.

234. All right, here we go. I'm gonna pretend like you're Gloria.

235. You're not nearly as beautiful, but I can use my imagination.

236. I'm gonna teach you how to dip her. That's really important.

237. I'm gonna put my arm around your waist just like that.

238. Keep moving. We don't want you out of the competition, right?

239. No!

240. Then I'm gonna bend my knees and dip you down real low.

241. My goodness! What happened? You lost your grip?

242. - You dropped me on purpose! - Calm down, Robert.

243. It's perfectly natural to blame the teacher at first.

244. - We're all feeling a little tired. - You son of a bitch!

245. Robert, stop. Come on. It was an accident.

246. Come on! Let's get out of here!

247. Wait a second. You've come this far.

248. - You don't want to stop now. - Butt out, man.

249. This is none of your business. Now come on, honey!

250. We came here to win. We need this!

251. He's a violent guy.

252. I know. I hate it when he gets like that.

253. Gotta be careful with that one.

254. - Goddamn it. I feel your pain, Mac.

255. - We all do. - What the hell's going on here?

256. - We're making brownies. - The drug-filled kind.

257. - Shut up, Cricket! - What's he talking about, Frank?

258. They're filled with sedatives.

259. You want to help me distribute them? I'll make you my number two.

260. - You're not even in the contest. - I certainly am.

261. I have an inside horse. You see this homeless gentleman?

262. - He wins, I win. - Come on, Mac. Join our crew.

263. Shut up, you goddamn street rat! Keep working!

264. You are on your way out.

265. So you might as well go out with a bang

266. and have some insurance. - Okay, I'm in.

267. But I don't know how much longer I can last here.

268. - This thing's killing my back. - I'll come up with a rig.

269. - Definitely. - Shut up, street rat.

270. Wow. He's getting pretty close to that pretty girl.

271. - Yeah. - You gotta make him jealous.

272. I don't want to make him jealous. I want to win your bar.

273. Okay.

274. How do you think I could make him jealous?

275. I'll tell you what you need to do. See that homeless guy?

276. - You gotta dance with him. - That doesn't make any sense.

277. - It makes sense. You're tired. - I am, but it doesn't make sense.

278. - Okay, it's reverse psychology. - No, it's not.

279. You know what? I'm his sister.

280. I know him really well. I know him a lot better than you.

281. The only way you're gonna be able to land Dennis

282. s by making him feel he's lower on your list

283. than a disgusting, filthy homeless guy.

284. - I'm gonna go grind a homeless guy. - Good girl. Make it dirty.

285. My God! She's really grinding away over there!

286. Eat your heart out, Dennis Reynolds!

287. Hey, pretty lady? Look, can you do me a favor?

288. Can you prop your leg up and grind on me all sexual-like?

289. Charlie's over there blowing up my spot with that girl.

290. - He is blowing up your spot. - I know.

291. Better make some moves to get her back.

292. I'm gonna make some moves like a ranked number two guy would.

293. - You're number two. - What's up, bitches?

294. - Why are you dancing so strangely? - Because of all my energy.

295. I got tons of energy now because of this.

296. - Energy bar. Have some. - Looks like a shit ball.

297. - No! That's an energy bar! - Why is it so heavy and big?

298. Because it's filled with vitamins and shit.

299. Just eat it and you'll have a burst of energy. Trust me.

300. - Don't eat it, Dee! - It's filled with cough medicine.

301. - I love you! - You traitor bastard!

302. - That's it, Cricket. - You're my whole life.

303. I love you. I ain't going out without a fight!

304. Don't leave me in the sun. I'll burn.

305. You are in cahoots with those guys?

306. I'm not in cahoots with anybody!

307. - You've been cahooting with them! - I have not been cahooting!

308. You're wearing Rickety Cricket's exoskeleton right now!

309. - I am not! Okay. - Yes, you are!

310. So I'm wearing it.

311. - You are pathetic. Am I, Dee? Is this pathetic?

312. - What are you doing, bro? - A man can't enjoy a sexual lady?

313. Not when it's with my partner. I'm cutting in.

314. - Get out of here! I need her! - Why do you need her?

315. - Just put it that way. - You leave me no choice, Charlie.

316. - Hey, asshole. - Whatever. Wanna dance?

317. - Yes! - Good.

318. Good. Take a load off. Let these strong, sweet, sexual arms hold you.

319. - So strong. - I gotcha. So strong.

320. No!

321. You made me do that.

322. - You piece of shit. - Yeah, maybe.

323. You piece of shit! Dennis Reynolds, I trusted you!

324. - Why? - You're the biggest piece of shit!

325. That's it. I'm taking this one out. I'm going limp.

326. No, Charlie. Don't go limp. I got you, Gloria.

327. - You're hurting me! - Charlie, don't do this.

328. - He's trying to have sex with you. - I'm not gonna have sex with you!

329. - What do you mean? - I'm engaged!

330. Engaged is just a word. It doesn't have any meaning.

331. - No, it's a very serious word. - Thank you!

332. - I was getting somewhere, wasn't I? - No, you weren't.

333. - Really? See you later. - No!

334. You really are the biggest piece of shit on the planet.

335. - You still talking to me? - Dick!

336. Don't worry, ma'am, 'cause I'm about to take this sucker out!

337. - You're gonna take me out? - You bet.

338. - How are you gonna do that? - This right here. DJ Fat Michael!

339. - Squirrely D? - Yeah!

340. Please play my dance for a dance challenge.

341. - That's a can-do, my brother. - Let me tell you a lesson.

342. The cream always rises to the top.

343. I'm about to show you the white-hot cream of an 8th grade boy.

344. My God. Play the tape.

345. You gotta be kidding me.

346. It was like a ballet.

347. How did he remember the choreography? It was 20 years ago.

348. I don't know. It was beautiful, man.

349. - What's going on, monkeys? - How are those kegs treating you?

350. Pretty good. What you munching on, pal?

351. Energy ball, courtesy of my partner here.

352. - You look pretty woozy there. - I'm feeling woozy.

353. What is it? Wait. What is up, man? I feel like I'm tripping.

354. Charlie, that might be the cough medicine.

355. You got about 15 minutes until you drop like a ton of bricks.

356. - Holy shit! Did you play me? - I played you good.

357. Maybe now you two jerks might want to start treating me with respect.

358. - Why would we show you respect? - Yeah, why?

359. I masterminded this situation.

360. Not only did I get Charlie to eat a drug-filled brownie,

361. I got everybody in here to do it.

362. Pretty soon, people are gonna be dropping like flies,

363. and it's gonna be me and you two jerks.

364. - Good luck with those kegs, boners. - Bitch.

365. There is enough cough medicine in there to kill a gorilla.

366. If you keep eating it, you're not gonna last five minutes.

367. Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

368. I cannot believe how long Charlie has lasted after eating the brownie.

369. Karate, snow machine... Chop set...

370. - What's with the chopping? - I'm chopping all over my action.

371. And mostly power.

372. - He's lost his damn mind. - My back's killing me.

373. Break me off a piece of that exoskeleton.

374. It doesn't work that way.

375. You can't just break off a piece of an exoskeleton.

376. Give me some of that liquid hydraulic shit!

377. It's a sensitive science! Don't use your elbows!

378. Dennis, what are you doing?

379. - Double whammy! - Are you happy? Dee's gonna win.

380. No. We still got Charlie.

381. Don't worry about it.

382. I got an inside horse, Larry. That's my inside horse.

383. - Larry! Stay awake! - Go, Larry!

384. He's staying up! Come on, Larry! You can do it!

385. You feeling bad? That's too bad.

386. 'Cause I'm just getting my second wind. Cricket! Now!

387. Here I come, Dee! I love you so much!

388. - My God, my knee! - Larry! You won the bar for us!

389. - Larry wins! All right, Larry! - I have a shattered kneecap!

390. - Dee, we can start again. Right? - Never talk to me again, rat!

391. Look on the bright side. At least you're not ranked last anymore.

392. - Who's last now? - Charlie.

393. That kid really needs to learn how to read.