Futurama 3x9

Phil Hendrie as Free Waterfall Junior (voice)

A sober Bender crashes a dark matter tanker on Pluto, threatening the penguin reserve nearby. Leela helps out in the clean-up, but when the penguins begin mating out of control, drastic action must be taken to thin the herd.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Fry, I know those cookies are fresh-a-licious,

2. but they produce an awful lot of trash.

3. And, Bender, that aerosol head spray makes your antenna smell nice.

4. - Thank you. - But it's doing

5. long-term damage to the planet.

6. So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.

7. Good news, everyone.

8. I'm sending you on an extremely controversial mission.

9. Controversial?

10. Oh, my, no.

11. For this highly controversial mission,

12. you'll be towing the Juan Valdez,

13. an orbiting supertanker full of rich Colombian dark matter.

14. Dark matter oil?

15. What if we hit something? The tanker could leak.

16. Impossible.

17. The tanker has 6,000 hulls.

18. So, unlike me, it's entirely leakproof.

19. Now, once you've hauled the tanker past the protesters...

20. - Protesters? - Correct.

21. Six thousand hulls.

22. Why do we have to fly within three feet of this penguin preserve on Pluto?

23. To avoid the tollbooth.

24. Okay, she's all restocked with emergency jam. Let's get going.

25. At the risk of sounding negative, no.

26. Look, Professor, I can't participate in this mission.

27. What are you yapping about?

28. This time it's your reckless disregard for the environment.

29. In fact, I'm gonna go join those protesters.

30. This is an outrage!

31. I demand you hand over your captain's jacket.

32. This is my normal jacket.

33. I've had it for 10 years.

34. I said hand it over.

35. Well, Fry, or should I say

36. Captain Fry?

37. No, I shouldn't,

38. because Bender is the new captain.

39. - Bender? - That's right.

40. Being captain is about intuition and heart.

41. A good captain can't have either one.

42. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job.

43. Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

44. No fair.

45. Leela was training me to be captain.

46. She even let me sit on her lap and steer,

47. in this comic I drew.

48. Ooh. The new one's out.

49. Fry, the title of captain may inflate the human ego,

50. but it's beneath the notice of my mighty robo-logic.

51. Now, look spry, men!

52. We launch at six bells.

53. Greetings, eco-nauts.

54. I'm Free Waterfall, Sr.,

55. founder of Penguins Unlimited.

56. No, no. No applause.

57. Every time you clap your hands, you kill thousands of spores

58. that'll someday form a nutritious fungus.

59. Just show your approval with a mold-friendly thumbs up.

60. Please hold your thumbs until the end.

61. Now, folks, it's time to stop that tanker

62. with a nonviolent human circle.

63. Why do we have to resort to nonviolence?

64. Can't we just kick their asses?

65. Now, little lady,

66. those people's asses are living things, too.

67. Aye! We're hitched up tighter than Davy Jones's U-Haul.

68. At ease, men.

69. I am at ease.

70. Mr. Fry, I like to give my first mate an informal nickname.

71. From now on, you'll be known as Wiggles.

72. The hell I will!

73. Have you even read the Captain's Handbook?

74. I have now.

75. And what's Peter Parrot's first rule of captaining?

76. Always respect the chain o' command, Captain.

77. Correct, Wiggles.

78. You've just earned an invitation to the captain's table.

79. The captain's table.

80. What an honor.

81. Our peace ring has them trapped like a tiger in a washing machine.

82. Get ready!

83. Okay, watch yourself. Here they come.

84. When you were planning this peace ring,

85. didn't you realize spaceships can move in three dimensions?

86. No, I did not.

87. Folks, that tanker gave us the slip.

88. But we'll stop them here on Pluto.

89. If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost.

90. It's nature's long johns.

91. If rubbing frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, I don't wanna be right.

92. This here is our penguin preserve.

93. Aw. They're so cute.

94. They're like if puppies and kittens could have babies.

95. We use hand puppets around the young'uns to simulate a natural environment.

96. That's adorable.

97. Ow!

98. But I suppose it's this medal I'm most proud of, Wiggles.

99. I won it for saving the children of Earth from a giant kangaroo.

100. It was on the Australian news. You probably didn't see it.

101. Brilliant!

102. Would you cram a sock in it, Bender!

103. Those aren't even medals.

104. They're bottle caps and pepperoni slices.

105. Thank you, steward.

106. Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast

107. to your gallant captain?

108. Fine! I've got a toast.

109. To Captain Bender, he's the best...

110. at being a big jerk who's stupid,

111. and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt.

112. Ah, I've heard better.

113. If I were in charge, I wouldn't treat you like this.

114. You're nothing but a big blowhard.

115. Sir, you forget yourself!

116. Shut up!

117. Being captain is obviously more important to you

118. than being my friend.

119. - I'm going. - Going?

120. But a captain can't drink without his first mate.

121. You can drink with me, maybe?

122. I don't feel like drinking.

123. Then if you'll excuse me, I see some ravioli

124. that only has two shoe prints on it.

125. - Three.

126. Oh, Greenland is a barren land

127. A land that bears no green

128. Where there's ice and snow And the whalefishies blow

129. Captain, please, have some liquor.

130. You robots need alcohol to function.

131. Get out! I once knew a guy.

132. You look like him.

133. He wasn't neither.

134. I'm a good captain.

135. Please, sir. I love you like a father.

136. Here they come.

137. Oh, I hope they read my sign.

138. Bender's flying too low!

139. And he's upside down!

140. He must be talking on a cell phone.

141. What's happening?

142. All 6,000 hulls have been breached!

143. Oh, the fools!

144. If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls.

145. When will they learn?

146. Continuing our coverage of a tragic, but faraway, story.

147. The crisis on Pluto worsens

148. as dark matter spreads throughout the penguin habitat.

149. The images are truly horrific.

150. I don't think any of us can understand

151. how those poor, oil-drenched penguins feel.

152. Oily humanoid.

153. At the time of the crash, the tanker captain

154. had an alcohol level of.08%,

155. well below the legal limit for robots.

156. Son, as your lawyer,

157. I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket of trouble.

158. But I done struck you a deal.

159. Five hours of community service

160. cleaning up that whole mess you caused.

161. Five hours? Oh, man!

162. Couldn't you have just got me the death penalty?

163. I'd have done better, but it's plumb hard

164. pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence.

165. Yeah, good luck with that.

166. Now you stay away from those puffin twins.

167. Good way to avoid frostbite, folks,

168. put your hands between your buttocks.

169. That's nature's pocket.

170. Uh... I think I'll go check on Bender.

171. Watch that he doesn't pick your pocket.

172. Can't beat fresh-squeezed.

173. Bender, can you at least pretend you're being punished?

174. And clean the black parts, too.

175. Are they black with white feathers or white with black feathers?

176. It don't matter, baby. They're all beautiful.

177. Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here.

178. Oh! What's this?

179. Oh, man, he got away.

180. I guess this is why Chief says no hugging.

181. Good work, everyone.

182. I suggest you all go get some sleep.

183. Me? Well, I'm gonna stay up all night

184. singing songs about penguins in a fine, piercing tenor.

185. Has anyone seen Bender?

186. Bender!

187. Here, robot, robot, robot!

188. Hey, why weren't you Kong Donkeys outside cleaning up?

189. They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job,

190. and eating penguin eggs.

191. You ate most of them.

192. So, where's Captain Bender?

193. Off catastrophizing some other planet?

194. Damn it, Fry!

195. He may have done wrong, but he's still your captain.

196. I'm worried about him. He didn't come back with the group.

197. - He didn't? - No.

198. And with windchill it's 20 degrees below absolute zero.

199. I better go find him.

200. Wait. Let me.

201. Bender and I have our disagreements,

202. but we're still friends.

203. And I'm gonna show him what that means.

204. To the ship!

205. Why don't you just walk?

206. He was only about 20 yards from here.

207. Madam, I am in command now.

208. Such a man.

209. I'd follow him to hell and back, I would.

210. What the...

211. What's this water made of, ice?

212. Forget this!

213. Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto any longer.

214. In fact, we may have left space as we know it.

215. Then where are we?

216. You said you knew how to navigate.

217. Stop yelling at me!

218. Folks, it's worse than we thought.

219. Seems dark matter is nature's sex drug.

220. It's like a perverted trail mix of penguin estrogen,

221. penguin Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.

222. Why, it's making them ultra-fertile.

223. How ultra?

224. Well, your garden variety penguin lays one egg a year.

225. Since the spill, our penguins have been laying six eggs

226. - every 15 minutes.

227. Also, the eggs hatch in only 12 hours.

228. Also, the males are laying eggs.

229. This man has over-gasped.

230. If the birds keep multiplying, there'll soon be too many to count.

231. Before long, the penguins will exhaust their food supply

232. and starve to death.

233. Oh, if only we hadn't flown penguins to Pluto

234. and dumped oil on them, this might never have happened.

235. Can't we stop them from multiplying?

236. Yes, I reckon it is our responsibility.

237. And thankfully, we have a plan.

238. What is it? We'll do anything.

239. Everyone, grab your guns.

240. I declare penguin-hunting season officially open!

241. We can't shoot penguins!

242. Isn't there some way to keep them from breeding?

243. Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.

244. Now, surely you agree that a quick semi-painless death

245. is a damn sight better than weeks of starvation.

246. Well, I suppose, but... I mean,

247. I joined Penguins Unlimited to love penguins, not to hunt them.

248. This time, the two are one and the same.

249. Now, are you with us,

250. or are you gonna let innocent penguins suffer?

251. Oh, God, it's inhuman!

252. It's like Hong Kong!

253. I'll do it!

254. That's a good old-fashioned gun. Simple point-and-click interface.

255. - Rifle check! - Oh, yeah!

256. Wee doggie!

257. Hey, you're enjoying this.

258. Look, nobody enjoys shooting penguins.

259. But if you have to shoot penguins, well, you might as well enjoy it.

260. I'm sorry,

261. but if it's fun in any way, it's not environmentalism.

262. Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?

263. - Yeah, that is fun.

264. Let's conservate.

265. DR.It's been an honor to serve under you, sir.

266. All right. This is for their own good.

267. Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire families.

268. But they're so cute.

269. No, you can do this.

270. It's just like murdering a little butler.

271. I... I can't look.

272. Oh, no!

273. What have I done?

274. You poor little guy!

275. I'm so sorry.

276. I... Bender?

277. What's going on?

278. Were you hiding out with these little guys?

279. Of course not!

280. Filthy ice rats.

281. Scat! Shoo!

282. What are you doing? Get away.

283. Aw! They love you.

284. Well, I don't love them.

285. - Aw.

286. I don't know why,

287. but when I look down at their little faces,

288. it makes me wanna puke.

289. In a good way.

290. Stop! Stop shooting!

291. It's me, Leela.

292. Sorry.

293. Why aren't you firing randomly into those birds, little lady?

294. Don't you wanna help them?

295. Not this way.

296. What?

297. Why, you're not a tree-hugging kook at all.

298. Look, I don't know if shooting penguins will help the environment or not,

299. but I do know the decision shouldn't be in the hands of people

300. who just wanna kill for fun.

301. Leela, you may just be farming some free-range truth there.

302. On the other hand, we already made up 200 pounds of batter for penguin tempura.

303. Okay, boys, it's them or us!

304. No!

305. - Hey, where'd they... - Attack!

306. Oh, God.

307. Make sure they use every part of my body!

308. I'll avenge your death, son!

309. They used to be such peaceful birds.

310. I suppose this was your doing.

311. Yep, it's like I taught them.

312. If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.

313. Now, to take off my tuxedo.

314. Guys, it's me, your lovable dictator. Uh-oh.

315. Oh. If only we had a toboggan.

316. Faster! Faster!

317. Oh, right, they can swim.

318. It's all coming back to me now.

319. - It's Fry. - Wiggles?

320. Well, at least it'll help reduce their population.

321. Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.

322. Permission to come aboard, Wiggles?

323. Granted. We can't take off without our captain.

324. Oh, and bring my toboggan.

325. So, Leela, were you able to help the penguins?

326. Well, sure.

327. I mean, not really.

328. I mean, nature will work itself out.

329. It can't screw things up any worse than we did

330. trying to fix things. Right?

331. I don't know. - Quit your worrying.

332. Thanks to my shining influence,

333. those stupid birds will do just fine.