1. Happy Friday, everybody.
What are you doing this weekend?Copy !req
2. The question is,
who am I doing this weekend?Copy !req
3. He's asking because
he's already forgotten.Copy !req
4. It's nobody.Copy !req
5. I'm volunteering
at the animal hospital.Copy !req
6. - Aw.
- Animal hospital?Copy !req
7. The animals are the patients.Copy !req
8. That makes sense.Copy !req
9. Yeah, Dr. Zizmor's
letting me work offCopy !req
10. the cost
of Daniel's eye surgery.Copy !req
11. Wait. You won't spend money
on a name-brand phone,Copy !req
12. but you got lasik
for your geriatric cat?Copy !req
13. He only has the one eye, Jeff.Copy !req
14. I can't exactly buy him
a cat monocle, can I?Copy !req
15. It's pretentious.Copy !req
16. And for your information,
this is a totorola.Copy !req
17. Troy and I will be having
a very special Saturday night,Copy !req
18. as in Dark Knight.Copy !req
19. It came! Our limited-edition,
$299 Dark Knight DVDCopy !req
20. with bonus footage,
special commentary,Copy !req
21. and a Christian Bale autograph,Copy !req
22. including a personalized message
of up to four words!Copy !req
23. "Abed is Batman now,
Christian Bale."Copy !req
24. - It's official.
- From the man himself.Copy !req
25. May I have that back, Annie?
Thank you.Copy !req
26. And just to clarify,
if you see this lying out,Copy !req
27. I'm still using it,
so you don't haveCopy !req
28. to take it to the kitchen,
dump it out, and wash the bowl.Copy !req
29. Is this about
your buttered noodles?Copy !req
30. I didn't say that.Copy !req
31. - Yes!
- Into your face!Copy !req
32. Your tears reveal
your weakness!Copy !req
33. What is it
with those tools and foosball?Copy !req
34. - They've been at it for weeks.
- I think they're European.Copy !req
35. It's probably a more important
game over there.Copy !req
36. Foosball's like the soccer
of ping-pong.Copy !req
37. - I can't take it anymore.
- Oh, Jeffrey, let them be.Copy !req
38. Gentlemen, my name
is Clarence Thaddeus Foos.Copy !req
39. My grandfather,
Fletcher Morton Foos,Copy !req
40. invented this game
for one purpose—Copy !req
41. to have the loudest,
dumbest thing happen.Copy !req
42. Now it has.Copy !req
43. The game of foosball
is completed.Copy !req
44. You're free to returnCopy !req
45. to your undoubtedly
hearing-impaired families.Copy !req
46. Tell you what,
we'll stop playing,Copy !req
47. if you can score a point on us.Copy !req
48. Tempting, but then wouldn't
I be playing foosball?Copy !req
49. And, if so, how would I not
be a loud, weird knob?Copy !req
50. Free shot.Copy !req
51. I'm not even touching
the foosenschaften.Copy !req
52. Sorry, luftballons.
I'm above it.Copy !req
53. Boo-yah!Copy !req
54. I wish there was a word
to describe the pleasure I feelCopy !req
55. at viewing misfortune.Copy !req
56. 'Tis the face of a broken man.Copy !req
57. Jeff. Smile.Copy !req
58. - Uh, uh...
- Ooh!Copy !req
59. They, uh, —
they come in a six-pack.Copy !req
60. Oh—Copy !req
61. Buttered noodles.Copy !req
62. I'm allowed to throw out
the dust, right?Copy !req
63. Yeah.Copy !req
64. What's wrong?Copy !req
65. I-I...Copy !req
66. Why?Copy !req
67. - I stepped on it.
- Why?Copy !req
68. - I was dusting the tv.
- Why?Copy !req
69. I can run out and get
a new one before he gets home.Copy !req
70. Oh, sure, Annie.Copy !req
71. And—and then we just have
to recordCopy !req
72. fake exclusive commentary
by Christian Bale.Copy !req
73. Go ahead, you first.Copy !req
74. This scene
was a special challengeCopy !req
75. - to all involved—
- Stop it!Copy !req
76. That's not a real option!Copy !req
77. The disc
is irreplaceably awesome!Copy !req
78. What if we got
a different disc, and—Copy !req
79. Annie, do you know
how many sitcomsCopy !req
80. have done the "secretly replace
a broken, priceless item" thing?Copy !req
81. 'Cause Abed does.Copy !req
82. Abed knows everything,Copy !req
83. and I know you think you
can think your way out of thisCopy !req
84. with your "thinkiness,"
but don't think too much.Copy !req
85. You just have to confess.Copy !req
86. - Okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
87. We shot this scene on location—Copy !req
88. Okay, he's right. It won't work.Copy !req
89. Jeffrey?
What—what are you doing?Copy !req
90. Hmm? Oh.Copy !req
91. You know, I just thought...Copy !req
92. Next time those deutsche-bags
try to show off,Copy !req
93. maybe I can catch them
by surprise.Copy !req
94. Jeff, you don't need to worry
what foreigners think about you.Copy !req
95. That's your birthright
as an American.Copy !req
96. Okay...Copy !req
97. Small confession.Copy !req
98. I used to love foosball.Copy !req
99. It was a great
after-school gameCopy !req
100. for a lonely kid
with no dad—Copy !req
101. you know, just masculine enoughCopy !req
102. without having to know
how to throw or catch.Copy !req
103. I have seen you throw.Copy !req
104. And it was fun...Copy !req
105. Till I started getting bullied
by people like those Germans.Copy !req
106. So I quit.Copy !req
107. Well, you did the right thing.Copy !req
108. Foosball is a vile game
for vile people.Copy !req
109. Shirley, you wouldn't get it.
It's a guy thing.Copy !req
110. It's not
a fresh-baked-pie thing.Copy !req
111. Well, I might get it a little.Copy !req
112. You don't know me.Copy !req
113. Ho... Ly... Crap.Copy !req
114. All right, I think I figured
out the viewing order—Copy !req
115. original version,
director's cut,Copy !req
116. director's cut with commentary,Copy !req
117. and then original version
cool-down.Copy !req
118. - Yeah, we'll see.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
119. Oh, my God, you guys.Copy !req
120. We've been robbed!Copy !req
121. Oh, man.Copy !req
122. I can't believe we got robbed.Copy !req
123. Shirley, Shirley.Copy !req
124. You have to teach me.Copy !req
125. Please, help me beat
those evil power krauts.Copy !req
126. Don't you get it, Jeff?Copy !req
127. They're not evil people
that are good at foosball.Copy !req
128. They are good at foosball
because they're evil.Copy !req
129. It's an evil game
that brings out the worst in us,Copy !req
130. like—like out-of-town weddings
where the reception'sCopy !req
131. in the same place
as everybody's rooms?Copy !req
132. Great. After three years
of religious adviceCopy !req
133. and carb-laden pastries,Copy !req
134. you finally have one thing
I actually need, and—Copy !req
135. I'm sorry.Copy !req
136. Um, that was rude.Copy !req
137. It—it shouldn't be
so important to me.Copy !req
138. I'll, uh...
I'll see you Monday.Copy !req
139. Jeff...Copy !req
140. Tomorrow, dawn—Copy !req
141. be in the student lounge.Copy !req
142. Shirley, you are the best.Copy !req
143. Dear lord, please forgive me.Copy !req
144. And please have mercy on him.Copy !req
145. The stakes
have never been higher.Copy !req
146. Shut up, Leonard.Copy !req
147. I found your YouTube page.Copy !req
148. What's the point
in reviewing frozen pizza?Copy !req
149. You're talking about it.Copy !req
150. Well, that is true.Copy !req
151. Now, Jeffrey...Copy !req
152. The key to winning foosballCopy !req
153. is to tap into your darkness,Copy !req
154. so I need you to promise
you won't judgeCopy !req
155. the side of me
that might come out.Copy !req
156. Shirley...Copy !req
157. I'm gonna be perfectly blunt
with you.Copy !req
158. The few times that
you've been a little badCopy !req
159. are the times
I've liked you most.Copy !req
160. - Really?
- Remember making funCopy !req
161. of Britta's boyfriend's
tiny nipples?Copy !req
162. Oh, yeah, they were tiny.Copy !req
163. Remember what you did
to Pierce's hoagie?Copy !req
164. That was so disturbing,
I almost proposed on the spot.Copy !req
165. Now, come on,
show me how to dominate.Copy !req
166. All right, Winger,
hands on the grips.Copy !req
167. I'm coming up
on your right sideCopy !req
168. in three, two, one!Copy !req
169. You know why you can't stop me?Copy !req
170. 'Cause I'm not playing a game.Copy !req
171. For you, it's winning
and losing.Copy !req
172. For me, it's life and death.Copy !req
173. That's how I win.Copy !req
174. That's where you have to go.Copy !req
175. No more thought,
no more feeling.Copy !req
176. Kill or be killed.
Kill or be killed, little man.Copy !req
177. Think back
to when this game mattered,Copy !req
178. before you got to be too cool.Copy !req
179. Stop acting like you're
not ashamed right now.Copy !req
180. Follow that shame to the fear.Copy !req
181. Follow that fear to the rage.Copy !req
182. You put that rage—
aah!Copy !req
183. Up your ass, Turkey.
Ha ha!Copy !req
184. There's only two ways
off this table—Copy !req
185. kill or be killed.Copy !req
186. - Say it.
- Kill or be killed.Copy !req
187. I said say it, mumbles!Copy !req
188. - Kill or be killed.
- Kill!Copy !req
189. - Kill!
- Kill!Copy !req
190. Kill!Copy !req
191. Yeah!Copy !req
192. You called me Turkey.Copy !req
193. I love it.Copy !req
194. Sorry we couldn't get a car
over here until now.Copy !req
195. Our captain was killed
on duty last night.Copy !req
196. My God, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
197. Yeah.
Good man—Copy !req
198. leaves behind two kids
and a pregnant wife.Copy !req
199. So you're missing a Batman DVD?Copy !req
200. My Dark Knight extended
extended cut—it wasn't insured.Copy !req
201. Well, there's no sign
of forced entryCopy !req
202. on your door or windows.Copy !req
203. You sure it wasn't
just misplaced?Copy !req
204. Someone definitely broke in.Copy !req
205. Some of my jewelry's missing.Copy !req
206. You sure about that, Annie?Copy !req
207. Mm-hmm.
My necklace.Copy !req
208. It was gold—
white gold—Copy !req
209. with emeralds.Copy !req
210. And my name engraved in Hebrew.Copy !req
211. It was a bat mitzvah gift
from my Nana.Copy !req
212. She was a rockette.
She married a count.Copy !req
213. He was blind.
He loved her for her mind.Copy !req
214. That's good color
for the report,Copy !req
215. but I got to be honest,Copy !req
216. small stuff like this
almost never turns up.Copy !req
217. - Oh, no, Abed.
- We'll be in touch. Say...Copy !req
218. You look familiar.Copy !req
219. Did I ever pretend to shoot
a guy in front of youCopy !req
220. to teach you about gun safety?Copy !req
221. I'm really good at faces.Copy !req
222. Well, I guess
the only upside to this isCopy !req
223. it's brought us closer together
as roommates.Copy !req
224. Something doesn't add up.Copy !req
225. If there was no forced entry,
it had to be an inside job.Copy !req
226. - We don't know that.
- And instead of taking cash,Copy !req
227. pharmaceuticals, laptops,
they take what?Copy !req
228. My Batman DVD, and one pieceCopy !req
229. of oddly ornate
Hebrew-themed jewelry?Copy !req
230. - Nana gave it.
- It's smoke.Copy !req
231. - It's a ruse, a lie.
- Hmm?Copy !req
232. I think I know
what happened here.Copy !req
233. Abed, I—Copy !req
234. The landlord did it.Copy !req
235. It all makes sense.Copy !req
236. Rick has keys
to every apartment—means.Copy !req
237. He knows when we're coming
and going—opportunity.Copy !req
238. And he was dressed as the Joker
for Halloween—motive.Copy !req
239. - Hmm.
- Something's got to be done.Copy !req
240. Oh, let's not leap
to thing-doing.Copy !req
241. Right, Annie?Copy !req
242. Double strike.Copy !req
243. Got it.Copy !req
244. Back blast.Copy !req
245. Boom!Copy !req
246. Viper shot.Copy !req
247. - Nailed it!
- Oh, look...Copy !req
248. How cute—
you do like foosball,Copy !req
249. you just have to practice
with your mama.Copy !req
250. What are you guys doing here
on a Saturday night?Copy !req
251. Shouldn't you be making
weird art moviesCopy !req
252. - or well-engineered cars?
- You take that back!Copy !req
253. We came to play.
Get away from our table.Copy !req
254. - We're using it, strudel-brain.
- Nice.Copy !req
255. Then play us for it.Copy !req
256. Fine.
Monday morning—Copy !req
257. only let's make it interesting.Copy !req
258. The losers never get to use
this table again.Copy !req
259. Oh, you are so on
that things have nowCopy !req
260. become very much like
Donkey Kong.Copy !req
261. We're gonna kick das butt.Copy !req
262. - Nice.
- Thank you.Copy !req
263. Enough teutonic punnery.Copy !req
264. Monday morning you get this...Copy !req
265. Were you guys walking around
with a soccer ballCopy !req
266. just so you could do that?Copy !req
267. They left the ball
and everything.Copy !req
268. I think they were literally
walking around with itCopy !req
269. like a prop to use.Copy !req
270. That's, like, a $25 dollar bit,
and it's not even that good.Copy !req
271. You have got
to come clean, okay?Copy !req
272. I don't know what he's doing
in there, but it feels dramatic.Copy !req
273. I'm sure he's already moved on
to some other obsession.Copy !req
274. Oh, look, fun.Copy !req
275. The police are powerless.Copy !req
276. I must take justice
into my own hands.Copy !req
277. Men like Rick operate
above the law.Copy !req
278. But there's something else
above the law...Copy !req
279. Bats...Copy !req
280. And me.Copy !req
281. Abed, don't do
anything drastic.Copy !req
282. Yeah, maybe we should
all just take a step back and—Copy !req
283. Aw, is that the grappling hook
I got you for Christmas?Copy !req
284. The night beckons.Copy !req
285. Its black fingers
curl and uncurl,Copy !req
286. going, like,
"hey, come here."Copy !req
287. Abed, wait!Copy !req
288. Wait. I did it.Copy !req
289. I stepped on your DVD,
and it broke,Copy !req
290. and I staged
a break-in to cover it up.Copy !req
291. If that were true,Copy !req
292. you would've come forward
a long time ago.Copy !req
293. You're lying to keep me
out of danger.Copy !req
294. But there can be no peaceCopy !req
295. while crime spits and dances
on the grave of justiceCopy !req
296. to the hot beats
of infectious rhythmsCopy !req
297. of all that is wrong.Copy !req
298. - Oh!
- Just...Copy !req
299. - Use your foot.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!Copy !req
300. You're okay—okay.Copy !req
301. Ooh!Copy !req
302. Abed...Copy !req
303. - Oh!
- Oh!Copy !req
304. Troy!
What are we gonna do?Copy !req
305. Now you're open to input?Copy !req
306. I'm following him.Copy !req
307. You moving in here
was supposed to tone us down.Copy !req
308. So, Shirley, tell me—Copy !req
309. how does someone
with your talent for foosballCopy !req
310. ever stop playing?Copy !req
311. Oh, I don't want to talk
about that.Copy !req
312. Oh, come on, we're, like,
best friends now.Copy !req
313. Don't back away from this.
Open up to me.Copy !req
314. Okay, well...Copy !req
315. When I was a kid,
I had anger, Jeff—Copy !req
316. real bad anger—
and foosball was a release.Copy !req
317. But I didn't just—
just beat people.Copy !req
318. I-I broke 'em.Copy !req
319. One time I was running
this tableCopy !req
320. over at this Y.M.C.A
across town,Copy !req
321. and I was really giving it
to this kid—Copy !req
322. this skinny little white boy,
no offense.Copy !req
323. He started crying.
They always started crying.Copy !req
324. But something about this boyCopy !req
325. made me want to take it
all the way.Copy !req
326. I started jabbing him
with the rods until...Copy !req
327. The boy peed himself.Copy !req
328. Everybody laughed.
I laughed.Copy !req
329. But after that,
the game lost its flavor.Copy !req
330. Once you make
a boy pee his pants,Copy !req
331. you start thinking
about where your life is headed.Copy !req
332. Jeff, what's wrong?Copy !req
333. Gonna kill you!Copy !req
334. Your ass is mine!Copy !req
335. You're such a punk!Copy !req
336. You like being beat by a girl?Copy !req
337. Yes!Copy !req
338. What are you crying for?Copy !req
339. Your mama cannot help you,Copy !req
340. and I know your daddy
ain't around,Copy !req
341. or you wouldn't play
like a bitch.Copy !req
342. Ha!Copy !req
343. Ooh.Copy !req
344. Oh, my goodness gracious.
Is that what I think?Copy !req
345. I just beat this kid
all the way to tinkle-town.Copy !req
346. Tinkle-town, tinkle-town,
tinkle-town, tinkle-town.Copy !req
347. Tinkle-town,
tinkle-town, tinkle-town,Copy !req
348. tinkle-town, tinkle-town.Copy !req
349. You were Big Cheddar?Copy !req
350. Who told you that—Copy !req
351. Oh, dear lord.Copy !req
352. You're tinkle-town?Copy !req
353. Don't call me that.Copy !req
354. All your fake sweetness
and religionCopy !req
355. is just a veil covering
a horrible monster.Copy !req
356. And I had a lot
of Mountain Dew that day!Copy !req
357. There's an 80 percent chanceCopy !req
358. you can't leave Woodstock
until you bone these hippies.Copy !req
359. Oh, boy.Copy !req
360. Aah!Copy !req
361. You know what I came for, scum.Copy !req
362. Where is it?Copy !req
363. In the closet.
In the closet, man.Copy !req
364. - Abed, stop it!
- Get him!Copy !req
365. I mean, stop it.Copy !req
366. They're in the closet.Copy !req
367. I knew I'd get caught.
Just don't hurt me, Batman.Copy !req
368. Closet.Copy !req
369. Women's shoes?Copy !req
370. But Rick doesn't have a wife...Copy !req
371. Or women's feet.Copy !req
372. Wait.
My summertime ballet flats?Copy !req
373. I thought I lost these
in the move.Copy !req
374. Is it there?
Does he have the DVD?Copy !req
375. - The what?
- The DVD.Copy !req
376. He has it, all right.Copy !req
377. And it looks like he broke it.Copy !req
378. Ah.Copy !req
379. Who are you?Copy !req
380. If you had something to say,Copy !req
381. why not put it
in the text message?Copy !req
382. I wasn't sure what to say.Copy !req
383. Do you understandCopy !req
384. what you did to me...
Big Cheddar?Copy !req
385. Please don't call me that.Copy !req
386. Why not?
It's what you are—Copy !req
387. a mean, nasty bully.Copy !req
388. I was 12 years old.Copy !req
389. I peed!Copy !req
390. I had to change schools.Copy !req
391. I changed everything—Copy !req
392. my clothes, my hair,
my personality—Copy !req
393. because of you.Copy !req
394. What a waste.Copy !req
395. I wish I could take a picture
of you right nowCopy !req
396. and send it
to my ten-year-old self.Copy !req
397. Watch it, Winger.Copy !req
398. You don't have a trademark
on self-pity.Copy !req
399. - I will defend myself.
- Good.Copy !req
400. Bring the cheddar...Copy !req
401. Big Cheddar.Copy !req
402. I'm gonna put you
on the express trainCopy !req
403. back to tinkle-town!Copy !req
404. - Argh!
- Uh!Copy !req
405. Uh!
Aah!Copy !req
406. - Uh!
- Aah!Copy !req
407. Aah!Copy !req
408. Aah!Copy !req
409. Ah!Copy !req
410. - Die!
- Never!Copy !req
411. Argh!Copy !req
412. Argh!Copy !req
413. Ah!Copy !req
414. - You get it.
- No, you get it.Copy !req
415. You're the one
that needs the advantage.Copy !req
416. Wrong. Wrong!Copy !req
417. Every game I ever won,
I won fairly.Copy !req
418. Foosball was how I measured
my value as a man.Copy !req
419. You took that away!Copy !req
420. Why do think I had to?Copy !req
421. You try sprouting three feetCopy !req
422. just when boys
are about to look at you.Copy !req
423. Everyone stopped liking me.Copy !req
424. This game is all I had.Copy !req
425. - It's all I had.
- Well, that's stupid.Copy !req
426. You're a perfectly fine person.Copy !req
427. So are you.Copy !req
428. Thank you.Copy !req
429. You're welcome.Copy !req
430. I'm sorry, Jeff.Copy !req
431. You don't have anything
to be sorry for, Shirley.Copy !req
432. So Rick has agreed to stay
out of your apartmentCopy !req
433. as long as you stay out of his.Copy !req
434. And I'm getting tired
of saying this to people,Copy !req
435. but these things
wouldn't happenCopy !req
436. if you'd invest
in a simple shoe safe.Copy !req
437. That's it?Copy !req
438. Now we just live upstairs
from this...Copy !req
439. Guy that's really
into footwear?Copy !req
440. Sweetie, you're a renter.Copy !req
441. Look forward to owning a house.Copy !req
442. Be glad he's not into heads.Copy !req
443. Thanks for your help, officer,Copy !req
444. and if you should ever need me,Copy !req
445. I usually get out
of school around 4:00.Copy !req
446. This guys sleeps outside your
room, though, and that's okay?Copy !req
447. Uh...Copy !req
448. There's one thing
I don't understand.Copy !req
449. Why would Rick deny
taking my DVD?Copy !req
450. And why break it?Copy !req
451. Well, maybe he stepped on it
by accidentCopy !req
452. and felt really,
really, really bad.Copy !req
453. All the more reason to confess.Copy !req
454. Well, not everybody's
perfect, Abed.Copy !req
455. Batman. And I am.Copy !req
456. Well, Batman,Copy !req
457. on behalf of all of us
that aren't perfect,Copy !req
458. can I just say
I'm sorry I broke your DVD?Copy !req
459. Apology accepted.Copy !req
460. But I wouldn't mention it
to Abed.Copy !req
461. That guy's pretty ruthless.Copy !req
462. And that's coming from Batman.Copy !req
463. Hey, guys.Copy !req
464. Abed, where have you been?Copy !req
465. Troy, really?Copy !req
466. Let it go.Copy !req
467. Aw, black in the house!Copy !req
468. - My hand is cramping.
- It's fine.Copy !req
469. Oh.
Hey, freudenkatzen.Copy !req
470. Ready for your schpankin'?Copy !req
471. Just like we practiced?Copy !req
472. Let's shut 'em down.Copy !req
473. Ha ha ha.
Let's dance, David Bowie.Copy !req
474. Get the ball, Karl.Copy !req
475. I'm trying,
and stop yelling at me.Copy !req
476. Stop being such a schvine!Copy !req
477. Aren't you guys
playing foosball?Copy !req
478. We've played enough
for one lifetime.Copy !req
479. We're gonna go see a movie.Copy !req
480. Since when are those two
so close?Copy !req
481. Hello. This is November 29thCopy !req
482. and I'm Leonard,Copy !req
483. and today I'm reviewing.Copy !req
484. Eugenio's four cheese
frozen pizza.Copy !req
485. That's $5.99 at Kroger's.Copy !req
486. I've tried it before,
and we'll see.Copy !req
487. Mmm!Copy !req
488. Mmm, the cheese is good.Copy !req
489. The sauce is good too.Copy !req
490. Mm, well,
it's definitely a buy.Copy !req
491. Eugenio's four cheese
frozen pizza—Copy !req
492. a buy.Copy !req
493. See you next time.Copy !req