1. Remember, you guys
can have a dip too!Copy !req
2. And don't be afraid
to play with the...Copy !req
3. Ruuubber spiiider!Copy !req
4. I'll ask again...Copy !req
5. Are you sure
I can't bring anything?Copy !req
6. I don't understand.Copy !req
7. We're having a party,Copy !req
8. before we're going
to the real party?Copy !req
9. Sometimes, I think
you young peopleCopy !req
10. are just making this crap up.Copy !req
11. It's a pre-party!Copy !req
12. It's informal, intimate,Copy !req
13. and just for us.Copy !req
14. And I told you guys
you didn't have to dress up.Copy !req
15. Oh, we were wearing this
when you called.Copy !req
16. Yeah, when we dress up,
you'll know it.Copy !req
17. There's nothing in your
playlist but spooky party,Copy !req
18. the Beetlejuice soundtrack,
and NPR podcasts.Copy !req
19. Ooh! We could listen
to one of those!Copy !req
20. I have Michele NorrisCopy !req
21. interviewing Errol Morris.Copy !req
22. Don't worry, they address it.Copy !req
23. Okay, let's make this quick.Copy !req
24. I got three more polite
appearances to make tonight.Copy !req
25. What? I'm one of the
Fast and Furious guys.Copy !req
26. Which one?Copy !req
27. Oh, I don't know.
I don't watch that shallow crap.Copy !req
28. I just pick
a costume girls will like.Copy !req
29. Jeff, can I have
a quick conversation with you?Copy !req
30. Doubtful,
but I support the dream.Copy !req
31. Remember last week,
when I made you guys fill outCopy !req
32. those anonymous personality
tests for my psych class?Copy !req
33. Listen, if you dropped them
in another puddle—Copy !req
34. No, I processed the results,
as per my assignment.Copy !req
35. And, Jeff,
one of our friends is...Copy !req
36. Deeply disturbed.Copy !req
37. Trick or Dean!Copy !req
38. Don't forget to come by our
Halloween scare-tacular dance,Copy !req
39. starting in
the cafeteria at 9:30.Copy !req
40. Also, I had the lights
rigged to flickerCopy !req
41. because it's Halloween!Copy !req
42. It's been happening for a week.Copy !req
43. Halloween week!Copy !req
44. So the lights will work
on November 1st?Copy !req
45. All Saint's day...Copy !req
46. Month!Copy !req
47. I'm sorry, you were
about to get ridiculous?Copy !req
48. Look!Copy !req
49. One of the tests came backCopy !req
50. with 70 out of 75 red flagsCopy !req
51. for an extreme
personality disorder.Copy !req
52. Extreme, Jeff!Copy !req
53. Like a dorito?Copy !req
54. A sociopathic dorito.Copy !req
55. A cool ranch lunatic.Copy !req
56. Only instead of Zest, Jeff,Copy !req
57. one member
of our study group has...Copy !req
58. Homicidal tendencies.Copy !req
59. I think one member
of our study groupCopy !req
60. is an overzealous psych major.Copy !req
61. You probably just Britta'd
the test results somehow.Copy !req
62. No. I double-checked them.Copy !req
63. Wait.Copy !req
64. Are people using my nameCopy !req
65. to mean "make a small mistake"?Copy !req
66. Yes.Copy !req
67. Let's make this party
fast and furious,Copy !req
68. in that order.Copy !req
69. Yeah, I want to go
to the dance.Copy !req
70. I heard the Dean's got
free taco meat from the army.Copy !req
71. We can go
to the dance in a bit.Copy !req
72. But first, why don't
we tell some scaaary stories?Copy !req
73. Good!Copy !req
74. I'll start with a story
about a horrible fateCopy !req
75. befalling innocent people,Copy !req
76. and then I'm curious
to get individual reactions.Copy !req
77. Once upon a time,Copy !req
78. there was a couple
in a car in the woodsCopy !req
79. making out or something.Copy !req
80. I think I heard something.Copy !req
81. It's just the sound
of my heart, baby.Copy !req
82. Mmm.Copy !req
83. An escaped convict
from the asylum has escaped,Copy !req
84. and he's mental
and he's on the loose and stuff.Copy !req
85. Oh, my God.
That sounds dangerous.Copy !req
86. Oh, I'm sure it's no biggie,Copy !req
87. but I am a horny man.Copy !req
88. I'm only half-present.Copy !req
89. He was last seen in the woods
and has a thingy for a hand,Copy !req
90. a hook thing
where his hand should be.Copy !req
91. - You know what I mean.
- That sounds dangerous.Copy !req
92. Fine, I'll get out and look.Copy !req
93. But then I'm entitled to sex.Copy !req
94. I'm getting stabbed
with his hook hand thing.Copy !req
95. Oh, my God! No!Copy !req
96. I was right!Copy !req
97. And the woman
was screaming and screamingCopy !req
98. and the man got killed.Copy !req
99. - Abed?
- Yep?Copy !req
100. How did that story
make you feel?Copy !req
101. - Embarrassed.
- That's an odd reaction.Copy !req
102. Seems fair.Copy !req
103. What embarrassed you about it?Copy !req
104. I didn't care
about the characters.Copy !req
105. Didn't care about them?Copy !req
106. They were stupid.Copy !req
107. They deliberately
put themselves in danger,Copy !req
108. and, when they
were warned about it,Copy !req
109. the guy got out of the car.Copy !req
110. Do you believe
because he was stupidCopy !req
111. he deserved to die?Copy !req
112. What the hell
kind of party is this?Copy !req
113. I suppose,
from a creative standpoint,Copy !req
114. some characters deserve to die.Copy !req
115. Ones that lack common sense
or even basic survival instinct.Copy !req
116. Your story's not scary
because the charactersCopy !req
117. are making choices
the audience wouldn't make.Copy !req
118. Plus, you need a smarter lead.
Here, like this.Copy !req
119. It's a dark, cold night
in the woods.Copy !req
120. We establish
a traditional log cabin,Copy !req
121. then cut to—Copy !req
122. Here we are, a log cabin
I rented so we could beCopy !req
123. intimate in safety,
because it's not the 50s,Copy !req
124. so we don't have to park a car
and neck at inspiration point.Copy !req
125. That makes sense.Copy !req
126. I'm turned on
by how logical you are.Copy !req
127. I'm comforted by your
shiny hair and facial symmetry.Copy !req
128. Well, I just brushed my teeth,Copy !req
129. so this would be
the optimal time to kiss.Copy !req
130. Enjoyable. Soft lips.Copy !req
131. Just the right
level of moisture.Copy !req
132. - Would you like to do it again?
- No.Copy !req
133. We should listen
to the news on this radio.Copy !req
134. I brought it
as a cautionary measure,Copy !req
135. because this cabin
is within walking distanceCopy !req
136. of the local insane asylum.Copy !req
137. Oh, is that why
you were able to rent itCopy !req
138. - at such a reasonable rate?
- Yes.Copy !req
139. I hope you're as fertile
as I am tonight.Copy !req
140. - More.
- Ahh.Copy !req
141. Abed!Copy !req
142. Why are you doing
the whole song?Copy !req
143. They wouldn't turn
the radio on at the exact momentCopy !req
144. of the most pertinent
news broadcast.Copy !req
145. It's too coincidental.Copy !req
146. But I'll jump forward in time.Copy !req
147. What was that noise?Copy !req
148. Based on the news report
we just heard,Copy !req
149. but not just just heard,Copy !req
150. I assume it's the deranged,
hook-handed killer, who escapedCopy !req
151. when the asylum's antiquated
security system failed.Copy !req
152. I guess they
shouldn't have cut corners,Copy !req
153. although it is understandable,Copy !req
154. given the recent
economic downturn.Copy !req
155. Should we go check it out?Copy !req
156. No. We should call 911Copy !req
157. on my fully-charged cell phone,Copy !req
158. lock the doors,
and then stand back to backCopy !req
159. in the middle of the room
holding knives.Copy !req
160. - I love you—
- Shh.Copy !req
161. Ugh.Copy !req
162. Did these people
ever die or what?Copy !req
163. Eventually, once it had been...Copy !req
164. Eaaarned.Copy !req
165. Well, Britta...Copy !req
166. It looks like you're
barking up the wrong tree.Copy !req
167. Yeah.
You want to hear a scary story?Copy !req
168. I've got a scary story.Copy !req
169. Thank you for pulling me
from that carriage.Copy !req
170. I don't know what could have
frightened my horses so.Copy !req
171. Many vile creatures
make these woods their home.Copy !req
172. Some even warn of...
Monsters.Copy !req
173. I don't believe in monsters.Copy !req
174. I believe every man
has good within.Copy !req
175. I must retrieve my books
from the debris tomorrow.Copy !req
176. I am a schoolteacher,Copy !req
177. and many children rely
on me to educate them.Copy !req
178. Be gone, innocent one!Copy !req
179. What's wrong?Copy !req
180. You may choose
not to believe in them,Copy !req
181. but I am a monster.Copy !req
182. And I must feed.Copy !req
183. Do not judge me
for my weakness.Copy !req
184. Stifle your slackened maw,Copy !req
185. you drained
and tainted bitch dog.Copy !req
186. I'm fine with this.Copy !req
187. Ahh!Copy !req
188. Wait!Copy !req
189. Teach me to read.Copy !req
190. Aww.Copy !req
191. Wo...Copy !req
192. Sound it out.Copy !req
193. Wo... Rd dogCopy !req
194. hates... Cats.Copy !req
195. "Oh reason not the need!Copy !req
196. Our basest beggars are in the
poorest things superfluous."Copy !req
197. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
198. You should be proud of
how much I've changed you.Copy !req
199. Thank you for helping me,Copy !req
200. but I'm afraid some monstersCopy !req
201. cannot change.Copy !req
202. No...Copy !req
203. Resist your craving!Copy !req
204. Just pick up a good bookCopy !req
205. and read!Copy !req
206. Your porcelain neck,Copy !req
207. in the light of the full moon,Copy !req
208. too appetizing.Copy !req
209. Unfortunate...Copy !req
210. For you.Copy !req
211. You see,
some monsters cannot change.Copy !req
212. But others can.Copy !req
213. What is this?Copy !req
214. I'm a werewolfCopy !req
215. that feeds on selfish vampires.Copy !req
216. And she ripped into his torso,Copy !req
217. like a gerbil shredding
a quaker oats box,Copy !req
218. sending chunks of visceraCopy !req
219. and an aerosol mist of blood
all over the skanky concubine.Copy !req
220. Then, she flossed her teeth
with his tendons.Copy !req
221. And, because he was a vampire,Copy !req
222. he lived through all of it.Copy !req
223. He had to watch
her swallow his last eyeball.Copy !req
224. She kept it attached
to the optic nerve,Copy !req
225. so he could see
down her throat,Copy !req
226. to his own
partially digested fleshCopy !req
227. in... Her... Stomach.Copy !req
228. See? There was a twist.Copy !req
229. Wow, Annie.Copy !req
230. I didn't know you were
such a fan of... Gore.Copy !req
231. It's Halloween.Copy !req
232. If you're gonna
tell a scary story,Copy !req
233. - give it some texture.
- Wasn't that great.Copy !req
234. Well, your texture was soCopy !req
235. discompassionately macabre,Copy !req
236. as if without the slightest
regard for human life.Copy !req
237. That's enough.
Stop pinning ribbons to her.Copy !req
238. Why does Annie get
to be good at everything?Copy !req
239. You guys wanna hear
a real, legit scary story?Copy !req
240. Hello?Copy !req
241. Is there anyone here?Copy !req
242. I need help.Copy !req
243. Oh, thank God.
An old doctor.Copy !req
244. Me and my partner
are top gun fighter pilots,Copy !req
245. the best of the best.Copy !req
246. Pew pew pew.Copy !req
247. Our F-15 went down
in the woods.Copy !req
248. I thought I heard
something awesome out there.Copy !req
249. Please, come in,Copy !req
250. for first aids
and what have you.Copy !req
251. Mmm, drinks from a stranger.Copy !req
252. So medical.
Thank you.Copy !req
253. Ahh.Copy !req
254. Wakey-wakey.Copy !req
255. What's going on?Copy !req
256. This cabin is my lab,Copy !req
257. where I do
weird experiments on people.Copy !req
258. Look!Copy !req
259. Noo!Copy !req
260. Forced to be together forever!Copy !req
261. I sewed you together.Copy !req
262. I totally sewed you together!Copy !req
263. Abed!Copy !req
264. Now that we're sewn together,Copy !req
265. do we have E.S.P.?Copy !req
266. Yes! We're psychic now.Copy !req
267. We can destroy him
with mind powers.Copy !req
268. Oh!Copy !req
269. You tried to destroy us...Copy !req
270. But you only made us...Copy !req
271. More awesome!Copy !req
272. No! I'm a j-jealous.Copy !req
273. Now you are the subject.Copy !req
274. What? What?
Tell me more.Copy !req
275. We sewed your buttCopy !req
276. to your chest! Ha!Copy !req
277. Noo!Copy !req
278. Wait.Copy !req
279. Ha! You fools!Copy !req
280. By sewing my butt to my chest,Copy !req
281. you've given me boobs
I can touch all day.Copy !req
282. With what?Copy !req
283. Noo!Copy !req
284. No!Copy !req
285. Noo!Copy !req
286. Nooo!Copy !req
287. Nooo!Copy !req
288. Feet hands.Copy !req
289. What did I do to deserve that?Copy !req
290. Keep me out of
your stupid stories.Copy !req
291. I didn't say it was you.Copy !req
292. I said he was
a crazy, old, racist doctor.Copy !req
293. Yeah, and I'm your
crazy, old, racist friend.Copy !req
294. I was, anyway.
Now I'm not so sure.Copy !req
295. It's just a story, Pierce.Copy !req
296. Yeah? Well so is this.Copy !req
297. Come back to bed, Magnum.Copy !req
298. In a moment, girls.Copy !req
299. I'm just enjoying an
expensive, post-coital Brandy.Copy !req
300. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.Copy !req
301. Whats we gots heres?Copy !req
302. This is a home invasion,
you jive mother.Copy !req
303. Easy, easy, easy.Copy !req
304. Nobody has to get hurt here.Copy !req
305. Yeah, that's right, honky.Copy !req
306. You take it real easyCopy !req
307. and give us all your
expensive Brandy and hubcaps.Copy !req
308. Okay, but...Copy !req
309. Whoa.Copy !req
310. Oh, man.Copy !req
311. You... Are...Copy !req
312. Still... Relevant!Copy !req
313. Oh, my God!
Unh!Copy !req
314. Okay, I'm ready
for my birthday spanking.Copy !req
315. Which of you girls
knows how to count to 30?Copy !req
316. What... in the hell...Copy !req
317. Was that?Copy !req
318. That wasn't even a ghost story.Copy !req
319. It was like
an episode of some showCopy !req
320. we're all too young
to have heard of.Copy !req
321. Fine! Then I chopped up
both your bodies.Copy !req
322. So that was us,
and you were Magnum?Copy !req
323. Still am, Pakistan.
Wanna try me?Copy !req
324. Guys, I think these stories
are starting to get personal.Copy !req
325. And so needlessly violent.Copy !req
326. What happened to the days
when ghost storiesCopy !req
327. were about good versus evil?Copy !req
328. Once upon a time...Copy !req
329. Aw, man.
My drugs are wearing off.Copy !req
330. - Who's got more?
- Ha ha!Copy !req
331. Here you go, baby.Copy !req
332. All right, all right.Copy !req
333. That is my kind of pot bong.Copy !req
334. Yo, Jango, check it out.Copy !req
335. Swarms of locustsCopy !req
336. and tornadoes of frogs.Copy !req
337. I don't care.
I lived in New York.Copy !req
338. Ugh!
It's like New York out there.Copy !req
339. We interrupt your death metalCopy !req
340. to bring you some heavy news.Copy !req
341. All the good christians
got raptured up to heaven,Copy !req
342. so if you're hearing this,Copy !req
343. the good news is you're
the coolest people in the world.Copy !req
344. Yes!Copy !req
345. The bad news is
the world is over.Copy !req
346. This is NPR.Copy !req
347. Aw, man. End of days?Copy !req
348. Could anything suck
harder than this?Copy !req
349. Hel-lo!Copy !req
350. Devil here.Copy !req
351. Just popping by with a little
damnation orientation.Copy !req
352. Here's the sched.Copy !req
353. At 10:00, you'll be buried
neck-deep in scorpions.Copy !req
354. 11:15, lava enemas,
followed by pilates.Copy !req
355. - Oh. That's good.
- I like pilates.Copy !req
356. Pilates is a demon
that eats your genitals.Copy !req
357. But first,Copy !req
358. stabby-stabby.Copy !req
359. Ah!Copy !req
360. For whom do ye cry out?Copy !req
361. All the good people are gone!Copy !req
362. Aah!Copy !req
363. Whoa! Look!Copy !req
364. It's our friend we used
to pick on for being Christian.Copy !req
365. Oh, she looks great.Copy !req
366. A righteous wind blows!Copy !req
367. Off to pilates!Copy !req
368. Thank you
for saving us, Shirley.Copy !req
369. I mean, your name's
not Shirley,Copy !req
370. this is a story about strangers.Copy !req
371. Anyhoo, can you take us
to heaven now, please?Copy !req
372. Ooh, I cannot.Copy !req
373. I just came to say good-bye
on my way to Abraham's bosom.Copy !req
374. Bye.Copy !req
375. I forgive you.Copy !req
376. Gay marriage!Copy !req
377. And he chainsawed them to bits!Copy !req
378. Then he put 'em back together.Copy !req
379. And then he chainsawed
them again!Copy !req
380. Forever.Copy !req
381. Where was Jeff in that story?Copy !req
382. And why was my name Jango?Copy !req
383. Shirley, that wasn't a horror story.Copy !req
384. That was a sermon.Copy !req
385. You ruined a Britta party.Copy !req
386. That's like letting poop spoil.Copy !req
387. No! Wait!Copy !req
388. No!Copy !req
389. No one can leave
until we figure this out.Copy !req
390. Figure what out?Copy !req
391. Long story short,Copy !req
392. those psych tests
I made you take came back.Copy !req
393. Turns out one of you
is probably a homicidal maniac.Copy !req
394. That's stupid.Copy !req
395. I have a responsibility,Copy !req
396. as a practitioner
of the mental arts,Copy !req
397. to figure out
which one of you is sick,Copy !req
398. and get you the treatment
you need.Copy !req
399. You're a danger to yourself and
others in your current state.Copy !req
400. We've known each other
for two years.Copy !req
401. None of us are murderers.Copy !req
402. No, but one of you
has the potential.Copy !req
403. If we leave here now,
do you know what might happen?Copy !req
404. Britta,
what are you describing?Copy !req
405. What?Copy !req
406. Who has those images
like that in their head?Copy !req
407. Probably the same kind
of person that would make usCopy !req
408. tell ghost stories in order
to secretly study our minds.Copy !req
409. I'm just worried
that one of you—Copy !req
410. One of us? You took
that test too, right?Copy !req
411. What? What are you saying?Copy !req
412. Oh, my God!Copy !req
413. What if it is me?Copy !req
414. Wait. This is crazy!Copy !req
415. We're getting freaked out
because it's Halloween,Copy !req
416. we just need to settle down.Copy !req
417. I'll kill you!Copy !req
418. You don't want
to be barium sulfated!Copy !req
419. - Whoa!
- Stay back, psychos!Copy !req
420. Or I'll slit your throats
and bathe in your blood.Copy !req
421. Whoa!
What has happened to all of you?Copy !req
422. You heard all the stories.Copy !req
423. Anyone here could be
a... Psycho!Copy !req
424. Thinking that is what's psycho.Copy !req
425. Here, I have a story
that I think might help.Copy !req
426. - Whee!
- Cheers.Copy !req
427. Whoa, whoa. Wait!Copy !req
428. Before you do anything,Copy !req
429. tell us why you kill people.Copy !req
430. Fear.Copy !req
431. I kill because I'm afraid.Copy !req
432. Somebody, please, give me a hug.Copy !req
433. Aww!Copy !req
434. Get in here.Copy !req
435. Love hugs. Love hugs.Copy !req
436. Let it out.
It's okay?Copy !req
437. You're welcome.Copy !req
438. That was the gayest crapCopy !req
439. I've ever heard in my life.Copy !req
440. Yeah, Jeff.
What the hell?Copy !req
441. Why are you always
so determined to have us relaxCopy !req
442. and put down our weapons?Copy !req
443. Maybe he's a remorseless
madman with no empathy,Copy !req
444. who eludes detection
by manipulating others.Copy !req
445. Yeah, Jeff.Copy !req
446. Maybe we should go through
your test answers one by one.Copy !req
447. It doesn't matter.
I filled mine out randomly.Copy !req
448. - Oh, come on.
- What?Copy !req
449. You idiot!Copy !req
450. That was probably the test that
returned the psychotic result!Copy !req
451. Hmm. Maybe.Copy !req
452. Well, what kind of sociopath
doesn't offer that information,Copy !req
453. like, an hour ago?Copy !req
454. No, no.
I'm no sociopath.Copy !req
455. I always know
what I'm doing is wrong.Copy !req
456. I'm just a guy that doesn't
like taking tests, doing work,Copy !req
457. or getting yelled at.Copy !req
458. So if you think about it,Copy !req
459. that makes me
the sanest person here.Copy !req
460. Boo!Copy !req
461. Is this your test or what?Copy !req
462. How should I know?
It's just a bunch of bubbles.Copy !req
463. Wait!Copy !req
464. Give me those.Copy !req
465. Why are the scores
on the bottoms of the sheets?Copy !req
466. They should—Copy !req
467. Britta, look at the arrow.Copy !req
468. You ran these through
the machine upside-down.Copy !req
469. She Britta'd it.Copy !req
470. Whatever.
I'll run them through again.Copy !req
471. And you guys
are gonna stop using my nameCopy !req
472. to mean "making a tiny
and understandable mistake."Copy !req
473. So we're all insane.Copy !req
474. Well, except for this person.Copy !req
475. Is that one mine?Copy !req
476. We should probably
figure it out, right?Copy !req
477. If one of us
isn't crazy, it's only fairCopy !req
478. that the rest of us
know who they are.Copy !req
479. Or we could hold on
to the comforting notionCopy !req
480. t-that any one of us
m-might be sane.Copy !req
481. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
482. We learned
an important lesson tonight.Copy !req
483. We should never make the BrittaCopy !req
484. of Britta-ing
each other's feelings.Copy !req
485. You're using it wrong.Copy !req
486. Wow.
You Britta'd "Britta'd."Copy !req
487. - Yeah, way to pull an Abed.
- I don't get it.Copy !req
488. Shirley, don't Pierce.Copy !req
489. I don't get it.Copy !req
490. Do not get it.Copy !req
491. Guys, it's been three days!Copy !req
492. When are you gonna let me go?Copy !req
493. At least say something!Copy !req
494. Guys?Copy !req
495. Guys!Copy !req
496. Should we let him go?Copy !req
497. Hmm... Let me think.Copy !req
498. Nah.
More Brandy?Copy !req
499. Don't mind if I do.Copy !req
500. Mmm... That's terrible.Copy !req
501. Should we get back
in our F-15 that we repairedCopy !req
502. with our mind power?Copy !req
503. I was thinking the same thing!Copy !req
504. I know!Copy !req
505. Jinx!
Double jinx!Copy !req
506. Triple jinx!Copy !req