1. Didn't they say 304?
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2. No, 303.
I wrote it twice.
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3. Annie & Britta: Hiiii!
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4. - Come on in.
- Come on.
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5. Wow.
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6. What a great place.
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7. You guys—you guys
look so fancy.
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8. Thanks. We read a book on how
to be the perfect party hosts.
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9. Rule number one—
dress to impress.
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10. Rule number two—
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11. avoid touchy topics
like the negro problem.
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12. - The book was written
in the '40s. - Yeah.
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13. Oh, good, you guys
are finally here.
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14. Finally?
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15. Shirley showed up
at 3:00.
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16. Time flies when I'm baking.
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17. No, it doesn't.
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18. Oh, the door downstairs
was propped open with this.
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19. This is really unsafe.
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20. Anyone could have just
wandered into your building.
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21. Like one of our guests?
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22. - I'll be right back.
- Thank you, Troy.
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23. Let me give you ladies
the grand tour.
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24. Bathroom, kitchen, who cares,
and this is my scale model
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25. of the rolling Boulder scene
from raiders...
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26. With actual rolling Boulder.
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27. Ooh.
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28. Adiós, Sapito.
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29. Annie & Britta: Ahh.
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30. Pretty cool, huh?
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31. Super cool.
And sexy.
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32. Super sexy cool.
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33. Overselling it.
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34. I made pizza.
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35. But we ordered real pizza.
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36. Well, there's nothing
more real than homemade.
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37. You didn't have
some of the ingredients,
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38. so I used ketchup
and cream cheese.
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39. We ordered real pizza.
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40. Okay.
Hey, got you that.
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41. Bienvenido de la Casa
Chez Trobed.
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42. Very nice.
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43. Oh, look, Indiana Jones
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44. and the apartment
of perpetual virginity.
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45. Chop busted, fellow adult,
chop busted.
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46. It's nice. Not mansion-nice,
but it's nice.
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47. Didn't you used to live
in a mansion with me?
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48. Yeah, but this is more
my speed and century.
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49. Doesn't bother me.
I've hardly missed you at all
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50. since I had you removed
from my portraits.
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51. Jeff!
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52. Check it out.
Serbian rum.
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53. So strong it is banned there.
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54. Banned in Serbia, Jeff.
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55. Let that concept sink in.
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56. Yeah, well, you enjoy.
I have to leave early.
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57. - Oh?
- Yeah, sorry.
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58. I've got an invite to
the opening of a new club.
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59. Look at this place. It's like
it was designed for me.
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60. It was. I made that in
Photoshop and mailed it to you
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61. a month ago so that you'd keep
tonight open on your calendar.
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62. There's no such thing as
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63. single malt platinum
boobs and billiards club?
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64. I guess I never
said it out loud.
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65. Tonight we offer something far
more than boobs and billiards.
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66. - What?
- One word, two syllables.
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67. Don't say charades.
Troy & Abed: Yahtzee!
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68. Is charades off the table?
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69. Come on.
And...
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70. Okay.
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71. Now...
"How to play Yahtzee."
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72. Is there nothing from our youth
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73. that these companies won't
repackage for a buck?
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74. Call it Yahtzee all you want.
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75. Everybody knows
it's Puerto Rican chess.
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76. Annie, it's just the pizza.
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77. We can't buzz him up.
Someone has to go down.
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78. Okay.
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79. Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
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80. Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating
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81. six different timelines.
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82. Of course I am, Abed.
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83. Two. One, two— Annie.
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84. Okay, fine.
I guess I'm going down.
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85. All this talk of going down...
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86. Did you guys know I had sex
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87. with Eartha Kitt
in an airplane bathroom?
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88. We're about to eat.
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89. It's not namedropping
if it comes up organically.
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90. I'm gonna check in on my pies.
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91. Bathroom?
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92. Over here.
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93. Uh, guys?
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94. What does a pregnancy test
look like?
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95. Like a thin piece of plastic
with a thing on the end of it.
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96. Okay, so this is
definitely a gun.
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97. Whoa!
Yeah, put that away.
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98. Oh, my— Why does
Annie have a gun?
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99. That's not a gun,
that's a girl's peashooter.
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100. Here, Troy.
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101. Happy housewarming.
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102. Jeff, what are
we gonna do about this?
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103. I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!
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104. - What's so funny?
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105. I don't know, people
hitting their heads.
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106. Don't fight over them.
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107. Well, y-you can fight
a little.
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108. Smells weird.
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109. I beg your pardon?
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110. Smells weird.
What did you do?
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111. Abed, you don't ask someone
a question like that.
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112. It's not dignified.
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113. Pizza!
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114. That pizza guy
was super creepy.
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115. So you're saying
he was a pizza guy?
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116. I wonder what happened
in those other timelines.
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117. Abed, there are
no other timelines.
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118. Okay.
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119. Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
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120. Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating
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121. six different timelines.
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122. Of course I am, Abed.
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123. Four. One, two,
three, four— Shirley.
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124. Okay, just don't
let my pies burn.
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125. Remember, no one eats
those pies.
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126. Come on, let's just
talk to her.
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127. We tried that, Annie,
but she ignored us.
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128. The woman has a baking problem.
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129. Now, I-I don't like
being the bad guy
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130. anymore than anybody else—
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131. Bathroom?
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132. Yeah, over here.
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133. We have a pact.
We do not enable her baking.
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134. It's gonna be better
for her in the long run.
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135. Heh, you know who got it
in the long run.
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136. Eartha Kitt, when I nailed her
in the airplane bathroom.
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137. Ew, Pierce.
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138. What? Came up organically.
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139. Here, Troy.
Happy housewarming.
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140. Oh, cool.
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141. Thanks, Pierce.
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142. What is it?
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143. What? It's a traditional
Norwegian troll.
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144. When Troy and I were
living together,
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145. I had it on display
in the hall.
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146. You know, outside his bedroom.
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147. He seemed very taken with it.
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148. It used to watch me sleep!
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149. Pierce, shame on you.
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150. Jeff, what are you
gonna do about this?
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151. I'm gonna get a drink.
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152. Ow!
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153. Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
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154. Barely felt it.
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155. I'm gonna look at it
in the bathroom.
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156. It's not dignified.
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157. Pizza!
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158. Did someone remember
to take out my pies?
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159. Seriously?
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160. Oh!
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161. Oh! Oh, no.
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162. Seriously?
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163. Shirley, it doesn't matter.
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164. We weren't gonna eat them.
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165. You're not allowed to have
"baking things" as an identity.
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166. Excuse me for being
the only married woman
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167. in a group full of horny toads
who sit around all night
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168. just making googly eyes
at each other.
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169. Googly eyes?
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170. Shirley, it's okay.
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171. Nobody makes googly eyes
at me either. We're the same.
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172. Adiós, Sapito.
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173. I don't know why
she's so upset.
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174. Her pies probably didn't burn
in the other timelines.
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175. Abed, Shirley just had
a nervous breakdown.
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176. - More like a nervous—
- Bakedown! I know!
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177. I didn't say it on purpose.
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178. And Abed, there are
no other timelines.
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179. Okay.
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180. Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
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181. Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating
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182. - six different timelines.
- Of course I am, Abed.
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183. Three. One, two,
three— Pierce.
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184. Crap.
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185. Speaking of crap, I was taking
one in an airplane bathroom
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186. when Eartha Kitt
decided to bang me.
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187. What? It's where my mind went.
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188. Your mind went years ago.
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189. Ugh.
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190. I'm gonna check on my pies.
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191. Bathroom?
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192. Yeah, over here.
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193. I love your place, Troy.
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194. You're all... grown up now.
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195. I can't believe those are real
mahogany bunk beds in there.
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196. I bet that cost you
a few allowances.
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197. Okay.
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198. Aww! Troy.
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199. Now we done it.
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200. Britta's in the bath—
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201. Adiós, Sapito.
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202. - Who is it?
- Troy.
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203. Um, I'm washing my hands.
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204. Good, then I can come in.
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205. Oh, hi!
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206. Um, I was smoking a cigarette.
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207. I know what you were doing.
I'm 21 years old.
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208. I'm a man.
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209. I know that.
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210. We all know that.
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211. Then why is Jeff
always picking on me?
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212. You seem to be a little hard
on Troy lately.
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213. I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!
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214. Oh, my God, are you okay?
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215. I barely felt it.
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216. Well, let me look at it
in the bathroom.
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217. Britta's in the bathroom.
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218. Oh, um...
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219. Oh, no, what happened?
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220. Minor head wound.
If there's an abrasion,
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221. we'll clean it with iodine
and apply ice.
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222. You make a good nurse.
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223. Thanks.
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224. Dr. Shirley says mini
pies are the best medicine.
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225. Then I'd like
to see her degree.
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226. He's butting antlers with you
because you're a threat now.
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227. You've got your own place,
you've got a future,
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228. you've got a... bowl full
of olives next to the toilet.
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229. It's a fancy party, Britta.
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230. You know what Jeff has
in his bathroom?
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231. Neither do I.
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232. He keeps his toiletries
in a safe under the sink.
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233. His whole personality is based
around guarding himself.
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234. You don't have to be like that
to be a man.
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235. You're really cool, Britta.
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236. Man, pizza guys are getting
worse and worse-looking.
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237. Guess all the good ones
went into porn.
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238. - Ceiling fan.
- I miss all the fun.
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239. I wonder what happened
in all those other timelines.
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240. Troy & Britta: Who cares?
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241. Okay.
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242. Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
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243. Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating
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244. six different timelines.
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245. Of course I am, Abed.
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246. Six. One, two, three,
four, five, six— Britta.
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247. - Great.
- Great.
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248. You know what's great?
Air travel.
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249. I've flown a lot, a lot
of airplane stories.
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250. I once had sex
with Eartha Kitt—
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251. Okay, I'm gonna check
on my pies.
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252. You guys are my best—
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253. I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!
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254. Oh, my God, are you okay?
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255. Barely felt it.
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256. Let me look at it
in the bathroom.
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257. Do I need to refill
the toilet olives?
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258. - We're good. I checked.
- You're the best.
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259. Want to stay up all night
talking in our bunk beds?
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260. Duh-doy.
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261. Here, Troy.
Happy housewarming.
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262. Oh, cool.
Thanks, Pierce.
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263. You make a good nurse, Annie.
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264. Thank you.
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265. I actually had to apply
a tourniquet the other day.
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266. A guy got stabbed
outside my building—
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267. What? Annie, you've got to get
the hell out of that apartment.
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268. You don't have to treat me
like a kid anymore, remember?
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269. Yeah, but adults
still need to be protected.
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270. I-I can't help but
worry about you, Annie.
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271. You're important to me.
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272. Feel the terror!
Stop the tantrum!
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273. Feel the terror
of the Norwegian troll!
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274. What's going on in here?
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275. Pierce is terrorizing Troy
because he's jealous
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276. we moved in together.
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277. You're the one who's jealous.
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278. Why would I be jealous?
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279. Because you're lonely
and crazy.
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280. Hey, guys, this is Toby,
our pizza delivery guy.
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281. And I know this
is gonna sound nuts,
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282. but we're in love
and we're getting married.
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283. I wonder what happened
in all those other timelines.
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284. Wait, there are
other timelines?
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285. Okay.
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286. Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
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287. Just you know, Jeff,
you are now creating
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288. six different timelines.
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289. Of course I am, Abed.
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290. One. Troy.
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291. Damn it.
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292. I'm gonna go as fast as I can
so I don't miss anything.
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293. Adiós, Sapito.
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294. You know who I used
to call miss anything?
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295. Eartha Kitt.
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296. What? He totally set me up.
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297. I'm gonna check in on my pies.
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298. - Bathroom?
- Yeah, over here.
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299. Jeff, tell us
about your father.
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300. I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!
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301. - Oh, my God, are you okay?
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302. Barely felt it.
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303. Well, let me look at it
in the bathroom.
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304. What the hell?
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305. No!
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306. Call 911!
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307. Abed, help me
stop the bleeding!
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308. I'm dying!
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309. - Pierce.
- I am dying.
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310. Water. Water! Water!
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311. Breathe, breathe.
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312. You.
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313. Nooooooo!
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314. Okay.
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315. Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
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316. Just so you know, Jeff
you are now creating
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317. six different timelines.
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318. Of course I am, Abed.
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319. Five. One, two, three,
four, five— Abed.
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320. I'm on it.
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321. You know who else was on it?
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322. And do you know what "it" is?
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323. Everybody give me money.
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324. Wow, that ascot really
softens your personality.
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325. Thanks.
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326. I banged Eartha Kitt.
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327. Bathroom?
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328. Down the hall.
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329. I'm getting a drink.
Ow!
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330. Oh, my God, are you okay?
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331. Barely felt it.
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332. Well, let me look at it
in the bathroom.
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333. Britta's in the bathroom.
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334. Oh, no, what happened?
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335. Minor head wound.
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336. Oh, my God.
What smells amazing?
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337. Oh! Someone wants pie!
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338. You make a good nurse.
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339. Oh, my God. They taste
just like regular-size pies.
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340. Oh, yay!
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341. Happy housewarming.
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342. Oh, cool.
Thanks, Pierce.
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343. Hey, while we're alone,
I just wanted to say,
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344. thanks for letting me
live with you.
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345. Sometimes I feel
like making desserts
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346. is the only thing I'm good
for in the group.
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347. But now it's time for me
to try and make it on my own.
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348. Just like you did.
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349. I can't help but
worry about you, Annie.
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350. Hey, I don't think
you should open this.
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351. No, what— what are you
talking about?
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352. You're very important to me.
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353. Crap. I was not supposed
to eat your stuff.
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354. We all made an agreement.
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355. Crap, I was not supposed
to say that out loud!
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356. Crap, okay, cards on the table,
I'm really high right now.
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357. - Seriously!
- Would you stop and give me—
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358. No, I wanna give you
something else.
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359. A waterpik!
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360. A speedboat!
Two waterpiks.
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361. I can't believe
I'm feeding my pies
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362. to a drug addict!
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363. Drug addict?
You're a pie pusher!
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364. You push pies to get love.
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365. Give it, Pierce!
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366. It feels fun!
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367. I'm sorry, I just...
had a weird déjà vu.
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368. You're bad at gift-giving!
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369. That thing you said
about worrying about me...
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370. It's something
my dad always said.
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371. I demand to be housewarmed!
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372. Shouldn't have brought it up.
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373. Just reminded me of my dad.
Anyway...
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374. Stop. A little Make Out 101.
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375. Less dad talk.
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376. And, uh, you could ease up
on the bubblegum lip gloss.
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377. No, I really—
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378. No, you—!
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379. Pizza time.
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380. Give me this,
you godless hippie skank!
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381. You're a sick, sad,
twisted old man.
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382. And I hope you die alone.
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383. I wonder what happened
in all those other timelines.
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384. I gotta say, I hope
this is the real one,
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385. because I just found
a nickel in the hallway.
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386. Okay.
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387. Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
Copy !req
388. Just so you know, Jeff,
you are now creating
Copy !req
389. - six different timelines.
- Of course I am, Abed.
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390. I don't think you should.
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391. Chaos already dominates
enough of our lives.
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392. The universe is an endless
raging sea of randomness.
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393. Our job isn't to fight it,
but to weather it—together.
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394. On the raft of life.
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395. A raft held together by
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396. those few rare, beautiful things
that we know to be predictable.
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397. Ropes?
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398. Vines. Vines?
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399. Let him finish!
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400. Us.
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401. It won't matter
what happens to us
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402. as long as we stay
honest and accepting
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403. of each ether's
flaws and virtues.
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404. Annie will always be driven.
Shirley will always be giving.
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405. Pierce will never apologize.
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406. Britta's sort of a wild card
from my perspective.
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407. And Jeff will forever remain
a conniving son-of-a-bitch.
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408. Abed!
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409. There are six sides to
this die and seven of us.
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410. He devised a system by which
he never has to get the pizza.
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411. - Jeff!
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412. - Really? Dang, man.
- You crafty jackrabbit.
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413. - Asshole.
- Pretty low, dude.
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414. It's called friendship,
look it up. Encarta it.
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415. I think we just found
our pizza-getter.
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416. Yes, we did!
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417. Oh, like it matters who goes.
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418. Ow!
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419. What's so funny?
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420. Karma.
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421. That guy sucks harder
Copy !req
422. than the toilet
in an airplane bathroom.
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423. Airplane bathroom...
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424. Oh, my pies!
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425. Oh!
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426. Ooh!
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427. Sing, Britta!
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428. I really love your place.
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429. You should move here.
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430. You guys see what happens
when I leave you alone, huh?
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431. Go, Abed!
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432. To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce.
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433. Shirley, don't you think
you've had enough?
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434. - Of you.
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435. Guys, I've been thinking about
that night over and over.
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436. One thing has become clear.
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437. This is the darkest,
most terrible timeline.
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438. Enough with
the timeline crap, Abed!
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439. Pierce got shot
in the leg and died!
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440. Shirley's a drunk.
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441. Annie's locked in a mental ward
Copy !req
442. because her guilt
drove her insane.
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443. Jeff lost an arm in the fire.
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444. Troy lost his larynx because,
for some dumb reason,
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445. he tried to destroy a flaming
troll doll by eating it.
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446. Clearly you don't understand
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447. anything about
defeating trolls.
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448. Life has gone to hell, Abed.
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449. This is real!
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450. Look at us.
Look at me!
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451. Britta, you put one wash-away
blue streak in your hair.
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452. And I lost an arm.
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453. Exactly.
Life got dark.
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454. And all because
Jeff rolled a one.
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455. Oh, I love how this is
my fault somehow.
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456. It's mine.
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457. I've run over that night
over and over in my head,
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458. and I keep coming back
to one thought.
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459. I should've caught the die
and not let you roll it.
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460. I failed to do that
and we all suffered for it.
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461. But I'm gonna
make it up to you.
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462. What is this?
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463. Of all the timelines,
this is clearly the darkest,
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464. which is why I propose
we commit to being evil.
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465. I made us all black goatees
out of felt.
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466. I suggest you put them on until
you're able to grow your own.
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467. From now on, I am evil Abed.
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468. We're the evil study group,
and we have but one evil goal.
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469. Return somehow
to the prime timeline,
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470. the one that I stopped you
from rolling that die,
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471. then we destroy
the good versions of ourselves,
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472. and reclaim our proper lives.
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473. - Evil Abed.
- Mm-hm?
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474. As evil Jeff, am I allowed
to pull fewer punches with you?
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475. - Certainly.
- I hate you!
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476. Shut up
with your Sci-Fi crap!
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477. I lost my damn arm,
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478. and you're making fake beards!
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479. Goatees.
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480. What's wrong?
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481. I don't know.
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482. I guess nothing.
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