1. Pierce, you made us all drive
to a warehouse
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2. in the middle of nowhere.
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3. You could at least tell us why.
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4. Hey, I know as much as you.
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5. I got a letter
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6. from the executor
of my father's estate.
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7. It said to come out here
with my seven closest friends.
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8. You brought six.
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9. Well, who else
was he gonna bring?
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10. Levar Burton was a maybe.
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11. Mr. Hawthorne.
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12. I apologize.
Gilbert.
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13. Even from the grave,
my father's got you
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14. by the short and curly
salt and pepperies.
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15. My name is Gilbert Lawson.
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16. I was Cornelius Hawthorne's
assistant for over 30 years,
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17. and before that,
I was just the teenager
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18. who read the Bible to him
in the bath.
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19. - Ew.
- All right, all right.
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20. It's inheritance time.
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21. How 'bout that check,
soul brother?
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22. Your father did leave you
something,
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23. but it's more of an activity.
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24. Thank you for keeping it
as creepy as possible.
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25. This looks like a multi-player
gaming interface.
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26. I've heard enough.
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27. Oh, that diabolical
old fossil face.
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28. I asked him for money
to invest in video games
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29. back in 1979.
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30. Cornelius spent over 30 years
developing a video game for you.
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31. It was his dying wish
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32. that you and seven of your
closest friends would play it.
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33. Lavar Burton was a maybe.
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34. So, please, choose a seat.
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35. Cool.
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36. So a 100-year-old man designed
a 30-year-old video game?
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37. This I've got to see.
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38. Once you're seated
behind your computers,
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39. a photograph of you
will be taken
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40. and an avatar will be made
from your likeness.
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41. I didn't bring my likeness.
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42. Don't smile.
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43. All right, everyone,
let's begin.
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44. 3x20
- Digital Estate Planning -
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45. - Nice!
- Cool.
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46. - Old school.
- Cool, cool, cool.
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47. Which one is me?
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48. I assume nothing
because I'm not racist.
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49. Aww! We're adorable!
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50. Why did this thing take photos
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51. if it was going to completely
fabricate random body shapes?
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52. That's what I'm saying!
My hair looks good, though.
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53. Orange button is jump.
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54. Whee!
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55. Which guy am I?
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56. There's a door here.
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57. - Peace. Love.
- What's that?
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58. - I think it's a hippie.
- Peace. Love.
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59. Aww!
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60. Annie, stop "awing" everything.
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61. Don't be jaded.
He's saying "peace."
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62. - Hello.
- Sex.
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63. - Did he say "sex"?
- Drugs. Sex.
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64. Oh, my God.
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65. Hold on, I'm coming.
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66. - Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow!
- Darn! Shoot!
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67. Dang it. Um...
Jeff, you just murdered Annie.
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68. Well, better than
doing nothing!
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69. - I'm not sure that's the case.
- That's debatable.
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70. You guys, help me.
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71. - The way you helped Annie?
- Sex.
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72. Before we engage,
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73. we should hang back and study
their tactics.
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74. - What?
- Group sex.
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75. Oh, my God!
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76. Oh, cool, I'm alive.
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77. - Pierce?
- This game makes no sense.
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78. - What happened to you?
- I don't want to talk about it.
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79. Pierce, point the joystick
right.
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80. So I'm supposed to
just guess that?
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81. Where are the instructions?
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82. Take that! Take that!
Yeah, we rule!
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83. Oh, you guys are alive.
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84. You re-spawn in the study room
when you die.
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85. Here, I'll show you.
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86. - Hey!
- Jeffrey! Shame on you!
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87. "Hang back and study
their tactics"?
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88. Let him get it
out of his system.
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89. Ah, forget it.
Let's just keep moving.
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90. Now what?
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91. Welcome to Hawkthorne.
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92. That's dad's voice.
Dad?
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93. Piercinald, in 1980,
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94. you said that video games,
not moist towelettes,
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95. were the business
of the future.
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96. Today, moist towelettes are
stocked in every supermarket,
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97. while arcade after arcade
closes.
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98. He's got a point.
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99. Nevertheless,
I designed this game
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100. to be played upon my death
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101. by you and whatever
cabal of fruits,
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102. junkies, and sluts
you call your friends.
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103. Her name is Britta.
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104. Only one player can win...
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105. the first to reach my throne
inside Castle Hawkthorne.
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106. Their reward, Pierce,
will be your inheritance.
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107. - What?
- His inheritance? What?
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108. So you see, Pierce,
turns out you were right.
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109. Video games are important.
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110. Worst son ever!
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111. Well, great.
How do I fight you guys?
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112. Which button fights?
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113. - Pierce, stop.
- Pierce, relax.
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114. Pierce, stay in the game,
stay in the game.
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115. Pierce, calm down.
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116. - Nobody's gonna fight you.
- Why not?
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117. Because when you're friends
with someone for three years,
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118. it's weird to steal
their family's money.
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119. And there wouldn't be
a lot of sport in beating you.
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120. - Look at yourself.
- Yeah, he's right.
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121. You're playing the game wrong.
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122. Why is Harry Belafonte in here?
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123. It's Gilbert.
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124. You're not supposed to
cooperate,
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125. you're supposed to compete.
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126. Thanks for the advice,
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127. but I think we can choose
how we want to play.
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128. - I suppose we can.
- Is he being ominous?
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129. Why are you being ominous?
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130. Whoa.
We can pick stuff up?
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131. This game is more complex
than you can imagine.
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132. And aside from its programmers,
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133. who have all been deported
back to China,
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134. I'm the one who knows
how it works.
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135. Run, run!
He's gonna throw a knife!
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136. He's gonna throw a knife!
Go!
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137. Jump! Jump!
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138. Wah!
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139. Wait! What are you...?
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140. He's a psychopath!
He's suffo...
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141. Yeah.
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142. Hey, look, buddy,
I know it must have sucked
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143. being colonel Sanders'
manservant and all,
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144. but Pierce is technically
our friend,
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145. and we're not gonna watch you
screw him over.
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146. Perhaps you should be
asking yourselves
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147. how you intend to stop me.
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148. How about if we come over
there and kick your ass?
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149. Go get him, Troy.
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150. Be my guest.
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151. But 30 seconds after you
leave your chairs,
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152. the weight sensors
will recognize it
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153. as an automatic forfeit.
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154. Weight sensors?
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155. That's it.
Let's get that jag!
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156. - Yeah!
- Get him!
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157. - Kick that hippie's ass!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
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158. Let's go!
Move, move, move!
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159. - I think he left a note.
- What?
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160. "After you've squandered
the last of your savings,
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161. "I'll watch you writhe,
penniless, in the gutter,
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162. "through a telescope
in the penthouse office
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163. of Hawthorne Tower."
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164. You can leave notes.
This game is incredible.
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165. Pierce?
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166. - No, Pierce!
- Please, no!
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167. We need you!
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168. Just let me die.
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169. Pierce, so Gilbert
knows a couple tricks.
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170. Big deal.
We outnumber him.
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171. And most importantly,
while he's fighting for greed,
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172. we're fighting for friendship,
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173. which means we can't lose,
okay?
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174. - Okay.
- Okay!
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175. I guess there's no hug button.
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176. Everybody
keep Pierce protected.
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177. We have to get him to the Throne
of Hawkthorne before Gilbert.
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178. And don't forget, when you die,
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179. you go all the way back
to the study room.
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180. So... Don't die.
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181. Good pep talk, Jeff.
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182. Yeah, I used to love dying,
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183. but that speech really
turned me around.
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184. Whatever.
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185. What's that?
Kill it!
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186. It's a girl milking a cow,
Pierce.
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187. I'll check it out.
I owe Jeff that.
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188. I wasn't gonna say it.
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189. I am Hilda.
I live in the village.
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190. - Lesbian.
- Shh!
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191. I can help with that.
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192. I have information
on many topics.
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193. Cool.
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194. The throne is in Castle
Hawkthorne, north of here.
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195. You unlock the castle with the
white crystal of discipline,
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196. which you must free
from the black caverns.
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197. I'm picking up on
some hidden symbolism.
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198. Right,
"white crystal."
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199. You think dad was into meth?
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200. You can usually get supplies
in a town like this.
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201. Man, why can't my mom be here?
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202. She always said my video game
knowledge would come in handy.
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203. I never believed her.
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204. Everybody split up
and take a hut.
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205. Our only chance of beating
Gilbert is to cover more ground.
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206. I have information
on the following topics.
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207. Holy crap.
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208. Where have you been
my whole life?
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209. I buy and sell weapons
and armor.
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210. Cool. We need weapons.
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211. Ooh. Well, what's free?
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212. Can we have a torch?
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213. - Thief! Thief!
- Annie, put it back.
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214. Sorry. Sorry.
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215. Arr! Arr!
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216. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
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217. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, oh! Oh, no!
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218. - What are you doing?
- It was an accident!
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219. - Arrr!
- He's dying!
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220. - Arrrrrr!
- All right, hold on, hold on!
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221. Arrr! Arrr!
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222. Now what are you doing?
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223. He was suffering!
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224. Yeah, from axe wounds!
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225. Well, if this isn't
worth any points, what is?
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226. You're asking me? I'm still
looking for a pong paddle.
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227. - Let's play poker.
- Oh, now we're talking.
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228. Check the desk.
I'll check the dresser.
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229. How do I straighten
that painting?
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230. You can't.
Stop playing like a girl.
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231. Stop playing like a girl?
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232. Here's the thing
about women, Jeff.
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233. We don't hack and slash
our way through life
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234. because we're one with life.
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235. - Help me hide the body.
- Oh, my lord. Oh, my lord.
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236. Shirley, these things happen
in video games.
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237. - They do?
- Yes.
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238. We can't get hung up
on real world morality.
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239. We need to survive and win.
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240. Hello, I'm the blacksmith's
wife... Aah! Help!
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241. - Oh, crap!
- Guard the door.
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242. What?
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243. Shirley!
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244. No witnesses!
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245. Grab everything you can carry.
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246. I'll check upstairs
for any more family.
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247. Don't give me that look.
These are your loose ends.
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248. I'm just tying 'em up.
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249. This is so cool.
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250. Where are your clothes?
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251. Pierce taught me poker.
I'm not good at it.
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252. You still talking to this girl?
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253. Yeah, she only has three moves
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254. that you activate with basic
patterns of stimulus.
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255. I've never felt this way
before.
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256. - Abed, don't get weird.
- Oh, I won't.
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257. She's not ready
for anything serious,
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258. but she wants me
to meet her family.
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259. - My father is the blacksmith.
- Her father's a blacksmith.
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260. - Hello!
- Everybody go shopping?
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261. That's all we did.
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262. Is that hut on fire?
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263. Oh, my.
What an unexplained tragedy.
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264. Don't we look comfy
at a cauldron.
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265. Check it out.
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266. Ooh, see, I'll put
all of this in here,
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267. and then that,
and then I'll hit this.
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268. What is it?
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269. I assume, like,
a strength potion.
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270. Then I assume it's poison.
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271. You're just jealous
because we found a world
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272. where I know what I'm doing.
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273. This place is 20 cat turds
and a pixies poster
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274. from being your apartment.
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275. What's with
the St. Pauli girl?
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276. Hilda's parents lived there.
Now she has no family.
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277. She'll be forced to marry
a male villager
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278. or take her chances
in the wilderness.
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279. What kind of game is this?
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280. - Oh, crap, it's Gilbert.
- Well, well, well.
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281. Looks like someone's
one step behind.
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282. Yeah, if you're looking
for equipment, tough luck.
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283. The store was lost
in a freak accident.
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284. I hardly need equipment,
young lady.
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285. While you were shopping, I
gained enough levels to do this.
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286. Uh-huh,
come on and bring it!
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287. He's shooting lightning
and I'm naked!
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288. Get behind us!
We have armor!
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289. Oh! Whoa!
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290. Aah!
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291. Oh, great! Gilbert!
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292. Oh, great!
Evil Jedi lightning Gilbert!
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293. Oh!
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294. Britta, drink that super
strength potion you made.
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295. Oh, right, right, right, right.
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296. Hurry up, Britta!
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297. I'm trying, I'm trying!
Aah!
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298. Damn it, I thought we could
count on Britta
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299. to not screw up drinking.
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300. This'll be fun.
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301. What the hell?
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302. Here's hoping we can
count on her
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303. to screw up making potions.
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304. Unbelievable.
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305. Jeff bet all our lives
on Britta and won,
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306. and I lost my pants
to a pair of nines.
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307. Very well.
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308. Let's play.
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309. Abed, are you sure about this?
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310. Yeah. It just feels like
the right thing to do.
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311. Hey, I made it back.
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312. You guys never died.
How did you beat Gilbert?
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313. Oh, you know.
Teamwork.
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314. We were headed
for the black caves
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315. to find the white crystal.
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316. We were just saying goodbye
to Abed.
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317. I'm gonna stay here
in the village with Hilda
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318. and help her rebuild her life.
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319. Abed, she's a program.
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320. People have said
similar things about me.
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321. Uh-oh. He's playing
the rain man card.
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322. Let's bounce.
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323. I've got an inheritance to win.
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324. Offensive.
Called it.
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325. Shut up, Britta.
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326. You did great in there, Jeff.
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327. Shut up, Pierce.
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328. Okay, duck.
Stay ducked.
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329. Okay, unduck.
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330. Okay, now jump.
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331. I think we're almost there.
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332. Thank God.
This cave is the worst.
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333. I know, I don't know
what's more offensive...
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334. the actual racism
or the insulting notion
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335. that it might somehow
rub off on us.
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336. Look out! Jive turkeys!
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337. Kill them before
they start multiplying!
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338. - Yeah, suck on this!
- Take that, jive turkey!
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339. All right!
The white crystal!
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340. - Whoo!
- Yeah!
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341. - Get it!
- Get it!
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342. I'll take it.
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343. I've earned it
by having friends.
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344. This is it.
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345. It certainly is.
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346. - No, man!
- You again?
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347. Now I'll have that crystal.
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348. I think you'll have this.
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349. Whoops.
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350. Arrows!
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351. What? Come on!
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352. Where'd you get all that stuff?
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353. You've only been alive
for an hour.
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354. Well, that was not fair.
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355. What the hell, Gilbert?
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356. You're cheating, which I
have no problem with,
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357. but you're getting caught,
and that's not cool!
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358. Yeah, don't be a knob.
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359. That inheritance
is rightfully mine!
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360. Rightfully?
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361. I'm his son.
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362. - So am I.
- Oh.
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363. What?
That can't be true.
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364. - You're half... white.
- Nice save.
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365. Do you remember
your childhood nanny, Etta?
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366. Well, Etta had a hot cousin.
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367. My mother.
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368. So you see, Pierce,
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369. I am your half-brother,
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370. and I am more your father's son
than you ever were,
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371. so shut up and play the game.
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372. - Why you...
- Let's go, Pierce.
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373. Okay, look,
I know things seem hopeless
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374. because he's all the way to
the castle with the crystal
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375. and we're starting over,
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376. but here's the thing...
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377. we're better at this game now.
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378. We've died and been reborn,
and that makes us heroes.
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379. - Charge!
- Let's get him!
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380. I guess the fact that
we're still playing
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381. means he hasn't won yet.
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382. Yeah, but what's the point?
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383. He'll just keep cheating
until he wins.
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384. Why are all the trees cut down?
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385. Isn't this where
Abed's village was?
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386. - Hello, old friends.
- Abed!
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387. You remember Hilda.
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388. I live in the village.
I love Abed.
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389. Did she just say your name?
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390. Yeah, if you max out
a character's trust
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391. and affection levels,
you can gain access
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392. to a front-end
scripting language.
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393. Watch.
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394. Cool cool cool!
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395. She can make babies for me.
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396. Oh, and I can't?
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397. I can't.
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398. Come on inside.
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399. I built this from scratch.
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400. Check out my castle.
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401. - Oh, it's nice.
- Wow.
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402. I hope this isn't blood gold.
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403. This is my family.
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404. Baby Abed has my eyes
and her bonnet.
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405. Each baby is capable of
executing custom code,
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406. which means you can
write a code
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407. that makes one baby
tell another baby what to do,
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408. much like real children
on a playground.
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409. Oh, Abed, but...
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410. Annie, let's find
the tin man's heart later.
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411. Abed, how much stuff
do you have here
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412. and what can we make with it?
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413. - That depends.
- On?
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414. On what you can imagine.
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415. Cool, cool, cool.
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416. Welcome,
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417. you are the first to make it
to the Throne of Hawkthorne.
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418. Let me take a look at you.
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419. According to your complexion,
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420. I think you might be
Gilbert Lawson.
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421. Is this true?
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422. Just a moment.
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423. Hello, Gilbert.
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424. Due to the nature
of our relationship,
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425. I'll need your
electronic signature
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426. on this legally-binding
agreement.
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427. It dictates that you
will never, ever
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428. besmirch the Hawthorne name
with any outlandish notions
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429. regarding you
genealogical origins.
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430. You are the bastard offspring
of a colored seductress
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431. and an unknown,
weak-willed miscegenist...
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432. It's a simple question,
Gilbert.
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433. Do you agree?
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434. Thank you for being honest,
Gilbert.
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435. No!
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436. I'm your son!
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437. I'm sorry, Gilbert.
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438. I always knew
you'd disappoint me.
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439. Cool cool cool!
Cool cool cool!
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440. Ah, I see
you've chosen teamwork.
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441. A coward's strategy.
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442. I will upgrade your challenge
accordingly.
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443. I bequeath my fortune
to no inferiors.
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444. - Yeah!
- Attack!
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445. What's this now?
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446. Whoo hoo hoo hoo!
Here we go!
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447. Get him!
Aim for the joints!
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448. Cool cool cool!
Cool cool cool!
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449. - Take that!
- Get him!
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450. Die, racism!
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451. Yeah!
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452. Take that!
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453. - Aah!
- Aah! Oh, no! Aah!
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454. Hey!
Look at me now, dad!
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455. Aah!
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456. I suppose
you're wondering, player,
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457. why record myself
breathing weird
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458. and letting you destroy me.
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459. Because I am a man of honor.
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460. So you've earned
the pleasure of my death.
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461. But I didn't.
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462. I'm not the one that beat you.
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463. Yes, you are.
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464. We're forfeiting.
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465. Warning.
Player forfeit in 30.
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466. Gilbert, you're right.
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467. You were more his son than me.
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468. You took all his crap
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469. and you didn't even
get to take his name.
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470. He once sat on me in church
just so he could see better.
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471. We've only been playing
this game a couple of hours.
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472. You've been playing it
your whole life,
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473. and now it's time
for your reward, brother.
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474. So get in there
and kill our dad.
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475. Thank you, Pierce.
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476. Wait a second.
Here, take this.
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477. - Oh!
- Whoa!
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478. - You may need it.
- Oh, Pierce.
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479. You really don't know how
this works, do you?
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480. Are you always carrying that?
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481. Not in the shower.
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482. I'd like to thank you again
for today
Copy !req
483. and offer my apologies
for my conduct.
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484. I wasn't myself.
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485. Family can make a person
do a lot of crazy things.
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486. I understand. I have an uncle
who makes his own pizza.
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487. - Don't worry about it.
- Yeah, totally.
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488. If it would make it up
to any of you in any way,
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489. there's a bar in town
called Skeepers,
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490. and I hear they make
a specialty drink...
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491. a Margarita, in fact,
and it's served in a glass
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492. an entire yard long.
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493. - My treat.
- Score.
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494. This is the greatest day
of my life.
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495. I've always wanted
to have a brother.
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496. Hey, hey, settle a bet.
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497. The word "mulatto,"
is it okay or just borderline?
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498. - We apologize for him.
- Oh, that's okay. He's family.
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499. Hilda, my love, I said
I'd come back for you.
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500. I just think that
in a parallel universe,
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501. - Blorgons are...
- Hold on.
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502. A baby.
I wasn't expecting this.
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503. Guess we'll have to support it.
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504. I guess I could get
some kind of job,
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505. maybe at Beans and More.
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506. I'll probably have to work
double shifts, but...
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507. oh, I see.
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508. While you're off, climbing
the ladder at Beans and More,
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509. I'll just stay home
and raise him alone.
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510. That's fine. I'll just
give up on my dreams.
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511. - Here we go.
- What?
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512. He needs to learn
a strong man can cry.
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513. So, what were you saying
about Blorgons?
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514. Blorgons...
in this other universe,
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515. they're actually called
Glorbons.
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516. Norther
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