1. - Hi, Pierce. Oh...
- Hi!
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2. Hi, Percival!
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3. - Hi.
- Hey.
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4. Happy New Year, you guys.
Do anything fun over break?
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5. Oh, baby Ben got to be
baby Jesus
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6. in our church's nativity play.
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7. Andre was Joseph, and Jordan
was one of the wise men,
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8. and I was in charge of casting.
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9. I digitized
my entire movie collection.
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10. Goodbye, VHS.
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11. Hello, SelectaVision
CED Videodisc.
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12. I'm very psyched
for the new semester.
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13. Or should I say...
Intro to Human Psyched.
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14. The worst.
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15. For our midterm,
we actually get to diagnose
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16. a fellow student
with something.
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17. Don't you do way too much
of that already?
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18. Accusational opposition
disorder.
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19. Hello.
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20. Whoa.
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21. It appears you've all noticed
that my swagger
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22. has a new swagger.
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23. I'll explain.
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24. Over break, I took the plunge
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25. and started seeing
a new shrink.
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26. What? Hello!
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27. Hello. Anyway,
I talked about my dad,
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28. punched a few pillows.
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29. And she put me on this
amazing anti-anxiety pill.
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30. It's really enhanced
my self-confidence.
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31. I explained that really well.
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32. Jeff, you can't be
on anti-anxiety meds.
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33. What little self-doubt you have
is the only thing
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34. keeping your ego penned in.
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35. You are a textbook narcissist.
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36. I'm an exceptional
narcissist, Britta.
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37. Oh, excuse me.
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38. I didn't kill my wife!
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39. I don't care.
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40. Stop that fugitive!
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41. I was wondering
how long it would take
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42. for things to get back
to normal.
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43. Over break, Abed realized
he could hire
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44. celebrity impersonators
from a service
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45. for his own personal use.
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46. He's been doing it...
a lot.
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47. He's not hurting anybody.
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48. He just likes
reenacting scenes from movies.
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49. It's unquestionably awesome.
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50. I question it.
He spent New Year's
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51. locked in our bathroom with
a bad Tom Hanks from cast away.
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52. Abed was the volleyball?
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53. - Well, that makes sense.
- You guys, focus!
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54. Where's he getting the money
for all this?
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55. Intervention.
Intervention. Intervention.
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56. No! You guys need
to stop intervening.
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57. You seriously have a problem.
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58. - I said I didn't kill my wife!
- I still don't care.
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59. Freeze!
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60. Chang, they're just acting!
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61. - Oh. Sorry.
- What was that?
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62. - Somebody call the cops!
- I've got a friend at the zoo.
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63. Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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64. What is this I hear
about a tranquilizer gun?
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65. If you had hit a small student,
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66. they could have died!
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67. I wouldn't do that.
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68. I have a heavy flashlight
for them.
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69. Oh, Ben!
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70. Look, I have to resort
to extreme measures.
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71. I'm a one-man army.
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72. You won't let me have
any guards.
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73. We're broke, Ben!
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74. We now get 80%
of our electricity
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75. from the apartment building
across the street.
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76. Okay...
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77. I don't know who told you
pouting was an option for you,
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78. but all you're making
me feel right now
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79. is hatred of Renee Zellweger.
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80. Look, maybe you can
bring on some students
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81. as security interns.
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82. I'll let you offer them
a credit
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83. in safety or math or something.
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84. Thank you, sir.
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85. You won't regret this
unless I rise up against you.
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86. I don't know why
I said that. Bye.
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87. Huh! Tah!
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88. Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!
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89. Jeff. Jeff!
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90. I looked it up.
I was right.
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91. Oh, that thing
about Danny Thomas?
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92. I looked it up too.
Weird.
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93. No, those meds you're taking.
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94. Without anxiety to keep
your vanity in check,
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95. you are vulnerable to a syndrome
called hyper-narcissosis.
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96. Okay, look.
This apple is your ego.
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97. Imagine it expanding
to the point of critical mass,
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98. taking over
your whole personality,
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99. making you
an uncontrollable monster.
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100. Britta, how did an apple
make that clear?
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101. Imagine it expanding?
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102. - Use a balloon.
- I was on my way to lunch.
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103. Why are you trying
to take this away from me?
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104. I like having no anxiety.
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105. I'm in harmony with the world.
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106. Looking good, Winger.
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107. Thank you, Leonard,
for that compliment,
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108. and for your service
to this country.
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109. I'm so confident now,
I can pull things off
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110. I never dreamed possible.
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111. Look. Aviators.
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112. Final boarding call,
beefcake airways.
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113. I'm warning you as your friend
to get off of those meds.
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114. And until they're out
of your system,
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115. stay away from
flattering situations...
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116. weddings, soft lighting,
formal wear, gay bars.
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117. And take those off!
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118. Because they make me look good?
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119. That's not relevant.
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120. Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey.
How was your...
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121. Uhh... uhh... unh!
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122. Oh, my God!
Even his shadow!
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123. Look at his shadow!
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124. Security internship available.
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125. Come on, see the world.
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126. Well, you won't see the world,
but come on!
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127. - Hey, Nadir.
- Oh, hey, Vinnie.
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128. Vinnie's the owner
of the doppelgang,
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129. the celebrity impersonator
service I use.
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130. You look familiar.
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131. That's how we all get started
in this racket.
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132. But at a certain point,
if you're smart,
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133. you move up to management
before the gold mine
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134. of resembling French Stewart
runs dry.
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135. - Ah...
- French Stewart...
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136. And speaking of gold mines,
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137. you owe me three grand, pal.
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138. Cool.
Put it on my account.
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139. What do I look like, a sucker?
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140. French Stewart.
But I don't have three grand.
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141. Well, you know what,
you better get it.
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142. Because I'm gonna
tell you something right now...
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143. Holy crap, you'd make
an amazing Seacrest.
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144. Very kind.
Thank you.
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145. You're actually
a lot taller than Seacrest.
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146. You've actually got
a sharper jaw too.
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147. You're actually more handsome
than the guy
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148. that's famous
for being handsome.
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149. Jeff?
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150. You'll be okay.
Just stay humble.
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151. You know what, maybe
there's another option for you.
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152. I've got a big event saturday.
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153. Needs a lot of bodies, huh?
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154. And I see some
high-value faces here.
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155. Got an Oprah.
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156. - Oh!
- And sitting next to her
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157. is a Judy Garland
or an Anne Hathaway.
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158. Add a few extra teeth.
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159. Wow, this is rare.
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160. Both versions
of Michael Jackson.
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161. And you...
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162. - Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
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163. - What?
- What?
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164. - Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
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165. - Whatever.
- Whatever.
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166. Look, if you guys work
this gig for me
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167. for six hours,
we'll call it even.
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168. Sounds fun.
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169. Abed, Vinnie, can we have
a minute to talk about this?
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170. Sure. Come on, Vinnie. The guy
who makes the fish sticks
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171. looks just like Quincy Jones.
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172. - Get out.
- Seriously.
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173. Guys, I'm sorry,
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174. but this is where
we have to put our foot down.
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175. Well, she has a point.
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176. Next time it'll be $10,000,
and then $20,000,
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177. and then he'll hit rock bottom
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178. and have no one to turn to
but Jesus.
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179. I say we let this play out.
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180. I'd love to help,
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181. but playing Ryan Seacrest
at a big party
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182. may not be a safe
situation for me.
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183. We could actually hurt Abed
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184. if every time he faces reality,
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185. we dress up and play
make-believe to bail him out.
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186. Shame on you people.
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187. It's not our job
to help Abed grow up.
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188. Abed doesn't need reality.
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189. Abed is a magical,
elf-like man
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190. who makes us all more magical
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191. by being near us.
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192. Pierce, who came over
in the middle of the night
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193. that time you forgot how to
fart?
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194. - Abed.
- Shirley...
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195. Who got you a DVD of Precious,
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196. based on the novel Push,
by Sapphire,
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197. and a copy of the novel Push
autographed by Sapphire?
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198. Abed.
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199. All we had was dumb reality
before we met that man.
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200. And he's made all of our lives
better than reality.
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201. Now it becomes
a little inconvenient,
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202. and it's time to get real?
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203. For shame!
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204. He's right.
Sorry, Troy.
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205. Hey, guys.
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206. Abed, we would be happy
to help you out.
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207. It'll be a good time.
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208. - Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
- Cool.
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209. - Oprah.
- Oh, thank you.
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210. - See ya, Vin.
- Fat Brando.
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211. - Burt Reynolds.
- Yeah.
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212. Thanks for being flexible.
This'll be fun.
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213. Fun. Yeah, sure.
But here's the deal.
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214. Um, if you guys mess this up,
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215. then his debt is overdue.
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216. And I don't send another bill.
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217. No, I send two guys
that look a lot
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218. like Ving Rhames
and Michael Chiklis.
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219. And they do
a very convincing impression
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220. of breaking your friend's legs.
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221. Their secret is...
They actually break them.
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222. All right, impersonators,
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223. our guest of honor
is one Howie Schwartz,
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224. who, according to the Talmud,
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225. just became a man.
But I have to say,
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226. I wouldn't want him
next to me in a foxhole.
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227. - Ha!
- Ground rules...
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228. Do stay in your
assigned quadrants
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229. quoting lines from movies
you are positive
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230. that your impersonatee was in.
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231. Do not leave your quadrant,
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232. burp, fart, cough,
hiccup, or cuss.
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233. The obvious exception
being James,
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234. our resident Walter Matthau.
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235. How you doing, Jimmy?
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236. Aw, you give 'em hell.
All right, let's go.
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237. - All my life I has to fight.
- Ready to tangle.
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238. Handsome Seacrest,
I need you in this tux.
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239. Jeff, do not wear that.
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240. Aw, zip it, white Jacko.
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241. Don't worry, that thing
in the cafeteria freaked me out,
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242. so I talked to my shrink,
and she doubled my dosage.
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243. What?
Jeff, that's insane!
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244. I thought so too, but after
I took that extra pill,
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245. it seemed like a great idea.
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246. - Jeff, put it on. Go.
- No, Jeff!
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247. Britta, stop arguing.
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248. If you have anything else
to say,
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249. say it in a high-pitched voice
while walking backwards.
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250. Jeff is in grave danger.
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251. Hee-hee!
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252. Uh, may I help you?
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253. I'm one of the impersonators.
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254. - Which one?
- Do I have to say it?
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255. Burt Reynolds.
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256. Uh, yeah, I don't believe
anybody hired you
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257. to impersonate Burt Reynolds.
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258. - Why not?
- Do I have to say it?
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259. - May I help you?
- I'm Brando.
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260. Hmm...
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261. Could be under "fat."
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262. Ah. Oh.
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263. Totally.
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264. Go on in.
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265. Bam.
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266. Abed, get back to your station.
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267. I can't right now,
I'm talking to Geena Davis.
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268. Abed, we have to do this right
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269. or Vinnie won't clear
your debt.
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270. Troy, who cares about money?
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271. Look around.
This is why we're alive.
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272. Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas.
Let's go.
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273. I was so sad to hear
of your passing.
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274. Me too.
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275. Sergeant Chang,
what are you doing here?
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276. Hey, Annie.
Just one of the perks
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277. when your brother's a rabbi.
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278. He throws me some
private security gigs
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279. at the events he officiates.
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280. They can get really intense
sometimes.
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281. Can you believe some jerk
brought a scalpel to a bris?
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282. Now smile.
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283. Why is he out of his quadrant?
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284. I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
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285. - He's reenacting a movie.
- Please.
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286. What movie were
Jamie Lee Curtis
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287. and Lorenzo Lamas in together?
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288. See, now I'm just
embarrassed for you
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289. because you've never seen
Lorenzo's Oil.
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290. Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that
gets his address book switched
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291. with Jamie Lee Curtis',
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292. and they give each other
piggyback rides.
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293. I can't believe...
did you go to college?
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294. Yes. No.
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295. Whatever. Keep working.
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296. Oh, my God.
You are gorgeous!
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297. Would you look at this one.
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298. He's like a Robert Redford.
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299. No, no, more like a taller,
hotter Ryan Seacrest.
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300. It's amazing,
you're actually more handsome
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301. than the guy who's famous
for being handsome.
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302. Skull Cracker 2000.
Top of the line.
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303. - Who wants to hold it?
- Me!
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304. - That's so cool.
- Awesome.
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305. Dude, this is so sick.
Check this out.
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306. Any of you fine young men
interested in a college credit?
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307. - Sure!
- Right!
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308. Look, man,
if you have a request,
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309. not a real DJ, okay.
These are just props.
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310. You look like a friend of mine.
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311. You're friends with Moby?
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312. - Jeff!
- Oh!
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313. I haven't been dipped like that
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314. since my last divorce.
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315. Britta, you were right.
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316. I can feel my ego taking over.
Do something!
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317. Okay, listen to me.
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318. You are not that big of a deal.
Do you understand?
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319. You have bad posture.
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320. When you do to many push-ups,
it looks like you have boobs.
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321. The tile in your bathroom
is tacky.
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322. You were emotionally
closed off in bed
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323. to the point where
one time, I didn't come up
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324. because I couldn't find
close enough parking.
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325. You have an unusually high
butt crack.
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326. Thank you.
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327. It couldn't have been easy
for you to lie like that.
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328. We are getting you out of here.
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329. Get back to your quadrant.
Now!
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330. Britta!
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331. Honey, you were the highlight
of the evening.
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332. If it were up to me,
you'd win every single award.
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333. There's awards?
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334. Ladies and non-gentilemen,
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335. welcome to Howie Schwartz's
Star Mitzvah Awards.
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336. Here to present the first award
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337. are fake Morgan Freeman
and fake Bono.
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338. You know, fake Bono,
algebra can be tough.
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339. It sure can,
fake Morgan Freeman.
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340. And that's why
it's so important
Copy !req
341. to reward those
to whom it comes so easily.
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342. The winner for
best math student is...
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343. Howie Schwartz.
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344. Wow, these things are heavy.
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345. The award for cleanest room
goes to Howie Schwartz.
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346. Coolest skateboard trick,
Howie Schwartz!
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347. Best Halo score...
Howie Schwartz!
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348. If you ask me, I think
you're gonna win the award
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349. for most handsome young man.
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350. Nah. Oh, give me a break.
It's his Bar Mitzvah.
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351. Jeff, I think
that we should go.
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352. There's an award
for most handsome young man!
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353. Hello, everyone.
It is my honor and privilege
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354. as fake Oprah Winfrey to present
the night's final award...
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355. most handsome young man.
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356. Aww...
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357. And the winner is...
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358. Howie Schwartz!
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359. Nooo!
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360. Aah!
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361. Look at me!
Look at meee!
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362. No, Jeffrey!
Jeffrey... oh!
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363. Oh!
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364. Oh, God, no!
Copy !req
365. - What the hell?
- You wanted it!
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366. You all want it!
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367. Aahhh-ha-ha-ha!
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368. Aaahh!
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369. - Rargh!
- Aah!
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370. - Grr!
- Ow!
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371. Ah!
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372. Unh! Grr!
Ha!
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373. I love you, dad!
I knew you'd invite the Hulk!
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374. You're lucky.
And your friend's debt is paid.
Copy !req
375. Hey, Jimmy, wait up.
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376. Boogie Nights.
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377. You're fat Burt Reynolds,
right?
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378. I'll take it.
Copy !req
379. Abed, your leg!
What'd they do?
Copy !req
380. Tell me who they looked like!
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381. Doc, doc! Who's there?
Copy !req
382. It's your femur bone.
He needs some money. He's broke.
Copy !req
383. Ha ha ha. Hey.
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384. Laughter's the best medicine.
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385. What are...
what are you doing?
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386. I'm challenging your entire
medical establishment, sir.
Copy !req
387. Not you.
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388. So we just spent our whole night
paying off your debt,
Copy !req
389. and you're blowing money
on a Patch Adams?
Copy !req
390. It's two for one.
We're doing Popeye next.
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391. Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.
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392. Get him some spinach.
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393. I'm Olive Oyl.
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394. Get out!
Copy !req
395. Are you mad at me?
Copy !req
396. - No.
- Cool.
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397. I was gonna go
in the Dreamatorium
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398. and play Inspector Spacetime.
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399. Have fun.
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400. - Abed.
- Yeah?
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401. Come here.
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402. I am mad at you.
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403. You said you weren't.
We never lie.
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404. - I know.
- We made a deal.
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405. October 15, 2009.
Friends don't lie to each other.
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406. I know! I lied.
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407. Because you don't like people
who tell you what to do,
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408. and I don't want to be
one of those people.
Copy !req
409. - Then don't be.
- I have to be.
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410. You have to stop renting
celebrity impersonators.
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411. Vinnie was gonna break
both of your legs.
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412. I had to work really hard
to help you.
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413. But that's what you wanted
to do.
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414. Yes.
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415. But I can't do
what I want to do?
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416. I guess not.
Not all the time.
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417. Sometimes you're just
gonna have to trust
Copy !req
418. - that I know better about stuff.
- I don't know if I can do that.
Copy !req
419. Then I guess
you're gonna have to trust
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420. that you're gonna have
to trust me.
Copy !req
421. Well, I don't want to stop
being your friend, so...
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422. I guess I'll let you
tell me what to do sometimes.
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423. Still best friends?
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424. Yeah.
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425. Still best friends.
Always.
Copy !req
426. Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Copy !req
427. You still gonna go
to the Dreamatorium?
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428. Oh, yeah, but I think I'm
gonna play by myself right now,
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429. if that's okay.
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430. Cool. Okay.
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431. Cool.
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432. Seacrest Hulk,
you're the greatest!
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433. Whoo!
You rock, Seacrest Hulk!
Copy !req
434. I love you, Seacrest Hulk!
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435. You know, Seacrest Hulk,
you're a meshugeneh.
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436. You okay?
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437. No.
I ruined a Bar Mitzvah.
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438. I'm a bad person.
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439. What you're feeling
is called shame.
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440. It means you're getting better.
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441. You're gonna be safe again
once those pills wear off.
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442. Um, I was thinking...
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443. You know that person that you
study for your psych class?
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444. Maybe that should be me.
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445. Uh-uh. No way.
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446. You are way out of my league,
diagnostically speaking.
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447. I'm gonna go with someone
a little less complicated.
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448. Like Abed.
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449. Hi, Abed.
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450. - Hi.
- Where's Troy?
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451. In the other room.
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452. That's okay.
There are many advantages
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453. of traveling by yourself.
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454. You can drive faster,
change direction.
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455. And the only pee breaks
are yours.
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456. - Are you real?
- Are you?
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457. This is really crazy.
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458. And inaccessible,
and maybe too dark.
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459. Maybe to them, but not to us.
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460. Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
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461. Hot.
Hot, hot, hot.
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462. Gentlemen...
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463. Who's ready to chang the world?
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464. Chang! Chang! Chang!
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465. Chang! Chang! Chang!
Chang! Chang!
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466. All hail Chang!
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