Community 2x5

Directed by Tristram Shapeero

John Oliver as Professor Ian Duncan • Richard Erdman as Leonard • Dino Stamatopoulos as Star-Burns • Alfred Dennis as Richard • Lee Weaver as Joe • Edith Jefferson as Pearl • Katie Locke O'Brien as Cashier • Gwen McGee as Weird Sounding Lady

Shirley asks for Abed's creative input for a religious film; Pierce is recruited by a group of students his age.

Request examples:

!req Community 2x5 [02:32]
!req Community 2x5 [Community 2x5]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Community 2x5 [10-11]; !req Community 2x5 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. We was... we was camping,

2. and we was eating,

3. and it was a mountain lion jump all the way down and eat my leg.

4. I think a mountain lion jump down and eat someone's grammar.

5. The Auto-Tune remix is way better. Go to related videos.

6. Annie, please don't start. We've been through this.

7. Anthropology is the study of humanity. Nothing is off topic.

8. No, it's just, I've seen this one.

9. Put in "car crash camel toe."

10. Wait, wait.

11. "Ski lift ninja crotch rip."

12. I'm a ski lift ninja!

13. Look, Dolly Parton eating a hot dog.

14. Stop that!

15. I can do what I want.

16. What happens if you type in "God"?

17. Do not boo her.

18. This subject's lack of definition cuts both ways.

19. If farts are fair game, so is God.

20. Top hit, "God of farts."

21. You ask for it... It balances out.

22. Blasphemous. Who wants to see that?

23. 17 million people.

24. There were nine people at my church last night.

25. Auto-Tune god of farts.

26. - Feygnasse Team -

27. La Fabrique ::.

28. 2x05: Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples

29. Guess who's got two thumbs and has an exciting career opportunity for you?

30. This guy.

31. I'm pointing my thumbs at God.

32. I'm using one to say that's great.

33. I told my pastor

34. about YouTube and how there's no light there for the kids,

35. our church wants to sponsor a video with a Christian message.

36. What are you gonna do, "rapping Jesus"?

37. Just step aside and make room for a new generation.

38. Would you like to make a Christian YouTube?

39. - I know you're Muslim. - I'd be happy to do it.

40. As a filmmaker, no way. I'm a storyteller, not a preacher.

41. Well, the Bible has been called the greatest story ever told.

42. Ben Lyons said the same thing about I am legend.

43. I'll have to rent that, then.

44. What?

45. - That's a lot of pasta for no veggies. - You're not in charge of what I eat.

46. That's true. Britta!

47. And some damn broccoli, please.

48. Pierce has been acting out a lot lately. Maybe you should talk to him.

49. How is that my job?

50. Aren't you, like, the dad?

51. Would the dad walk away from this conversation?

52. You're having cookies for lunch?

53. You didn't pay.

54. Call a cop.

55. Heads up, gay wads.

56. Fresh and stolen.

57. - What are you looking at? - Your face.

58. That's what you're supposed to look at.

59. - So? - So? You gonna sit down or what?

60. No, I usually sit with the younger people.

61. Well,

62. la de da de da.

63. No, we watch videos on "youtune,"

64. you guys probably don't even know what that is.

65. We don't care.

66. Are you looking for us? We're sitting over there.

67. - I can see! - Sheesh! Did you take your pills?

68. Mama's boy.

69. We're having a private conversation here.

70. I'm sorry. Hi. I'm Britta, Pierce's...

71. Very nice meeting you guys.

72. "Very nice meeting you guys."

73. She's a lesbian.

74. - I read the New Testament. - The whole thing?

75. Being raised by TV and movies,

76. I thought Jesus just walked on water

77. and told people not to have abortions, but it's much cooler.

78. He was like E.T, Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined.

79. I would love to make a Jesus movie.

80. Abed, that's wonderful!

81. What do you think we should do? It needs to be cool and addictive,

82. like that video of the kitten falling asleep.

83. Absolutely.

84. But the story's been told to death, I want to approach it in a new way.

85. We need a Jesus movie for the post post-modern world.

86. Like...

87. Jesus as a rapper?

88. I'll tell the story from the perspective of a filmmaker exploring Jesus.

89. That sounds...

90. - very appealing to filmmakers. - In the filmmaker's film,

91. Jesus is a filmmaker trying to find God with his camera.

92. The filmmaker realizes he's actually Jesus he's being filmed by God's camera.

93. And it goes in both directions, like a mirror in a mirror,

94. 'cause all of the filmmakers are Jesus, and all their cameras are God,

95. and the movie is called Abed.

96. All caps.

97. Filmmaking beyond film.

98. A metafilm.

99. My masterpiece.

100. But I don't like it.

101. That's okay. You're reacting the way the world did to Jesus.

102. I'm reacting the way the world does to movies about making movies

103. about making movies. Come on, Charlie Kaufman,

104. some of us have work in the morning.

105. You don't want to work on the movie?

106. There is no movie.

107. This is the movie.

108. The game is Jacks and deuces wild.

109. Except if the dean comes in, and then it's bingo.

110. Keep it. I've got another one.

111. If you get caught with that,

112. just say it's your 90th birthday.

113. Suddenly, it's adorable.

114. All right, now. What is this again?

115. B-19.

116. No. B-19, my butt.

117. I told you guys no poker, all right?

118. Shut this down!

119. Shut your mouth down, fruit.

120. Unacceptable, and none of your business, and barely the whole truth.

121. All right, everyone go home.

122. - Excuse me, mister? - What, Pierce?

123. - What year is it? - What?

124. Poker helps him remember.

125. Veronica.

126. Shut up and deal. Let's go.

127. Jesus, did you really die for our sins? That's dopey.

128. - Dope. - Freudian slip,

129. perhaps due to my feeling kind of dopey.

130. - Do the line, atheist. - Jesus,

131. did you really die for our sins? That's dope.

132. You think that's dope? Check out these...

133. beatitudes.

134. Blessed be the peacemakers, word to the meek,

135. the kingdom of heaven is open all week, Jesus and me were...

136. I have arrived!

137. I am watched, as I am watching.

138. I am audience

139. and creation.

140. The earth shall know my power!

141. Abed, what are you doing?

142. Great! You blew the take!

143. Keep rolling.

144. This can all be part of it.

145. There are no takes.

146. There is no viewer.

147. The film is the story. The story is us.

148. We are the film.

149. It's totally meta.

150. Let's get back to our non-meta production, shall we?

151. No, I want to watch this.

152. Troy, there's no time.

153. Then, we quit. Right, Britta?

154. I don't even believe in God, but I love me some Abed.

155. "The story of the story is the story."

156. Sure, that'll play in Poughkeepsie.

157. I heard some theaters are gonna show it in reverse.

158. I heard it's the same movie backward and forward.

159. I heard the deleted scenes are the scenes

160. and the scenes are the deleted scenes.

161. I heard Jesus died for our sins.

162. Guys, the director's answering questions in the cafeteria,

163. and it both is and isn't part of the movie!

164. Get a table!

165. Are we all in the movie right now?

166. We are all in a movie, even when there are no cameras.

167. When will the movie be released?

168. When is life released?

169. Every minute is a world premiere, and my father has bought the popcorn.

170. Excuse me, Abed,

171. but you aren't actually trying to say that you're Jesus, are you?

172. I am who you say I am.

173. It's meta now.

174. Except here's the thing.

175. I'm a devout Christian,

176. and you guys are feeding into this poor boy's delusions.

177. So cool! She's an actual real life pharisee!

178. Hey, bitch, why don't you go back to your temple?

179. Why don't you all stop confusing Jesus

180. with an egotistical filmmaking lunatic?

181. I forgive her.

182. - So, how's your film going, Abed? - Blasphemously.

183. It's not blasphemy to say that we are God, Shirley.

184. First Corinthians:

185. "He who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit."

186. Did you scripture me, Muslim?

187. Jesus was Jewish.

188. Are you ever gonna let that go?

189. No religious talk.

190. Somebody's late.

191. What is that in your pocket?

192. Pierce is smoking cigars.

193. What's it to you, butt-breath?

194. Look at your eyes. Have you been out with those hipsters?

195. Hipsters?

196. The old people that hang out in the cafeteria.

197. They all have hip replacements.

198. They do not.

199. Leonard could kick your ass.

200. You're hanging out with Leonard? You know I hate him.

201. So? Everybody hates him.

202. That's why he's cool.

203. - You people don't get it. - I'm not sure that I want to get it,

204. you ought to take a break from these new friends of yours.

205. - They've got you all riled up. - That's what he said you'd say.

206. Well, Leonard is not a part of this study group,

207. so you apologize right now to...

208. What? I'm not your father!

209. I never said you were!

210. - Where are you going? - Out!

211. When did Pierce become awesome?

212. I am gonna shut you down.

213. I do.

214. I get it! I'm supposed to shut you down. I won't do it.

215. - OK. - I won't.

216. - Good. - I'll do it.

217. You should have seen his face.

218. He was terrified.

219. You're his worst nightmare now. You're old and you don't give a damn.

220. Don't make eye contact, and we'll be fine.

221. - The dean has got a date. - What a lovely couple.

222. Please, give us a break.

223. I don't want to see you when I come back!

224. Run. We made them angry.

225. - We've made them angry. - He left his keys.

226. Who's up for a joyride?

227. I don't know. We could get into serious trouble here.

228. Come on.

229. We get caught, we can just pretend we're disoriented,

230. and he can give us a ride home.

231. Where am I?

232. What year is it?

233. - But we've all been drinking. - Grow a schmekel.

234. This is the last scene.

235. Thank you all for contributing in your small way

236. to the greatest film ever made.

237. And on the seventh day, Shirley shut down production.

238. Abed, Shirley has informed me that you are using school equipment

239. on school property to make a religious film.

240. She has filed an official complaint,

241. invoking the separation of church and state.

242. I pointed out the irony to her already.

243. Don't give a crap, let's be ironic. Shut it down.

244. Are you making a religious film?

245. All movies are, to me.

246. Nice.

247. But is it a movie about Jesus?

248. Is The Matrix? Is Robocop?

249. Is Superman returns?

250. All stories are about death and resurrection.

251. I've got one. Wrath of Khan.

252. Good one.

253. Spock sacrifices himself for the crew and gets reborn.

254. How captivating was Ricardo Montalban in that?

255. Except in Abed's film, the character's name isn't Spock!

256. That's true. It's Abed.

257. I'm getting creative goose bumps here. I love Charlie Kaufman.

258. I need to run into editing,

259. we can grab you a chair and you can watch a take.

260. I would love that.

261. I've never watched a take before. This is exciting.

262. Say what you will about Abed, but the man cannot be killed.

263. - I mean, it's almost like he's Jesus. - I got it.

264. I don't think we should be driving.

265. We're all, you know, old and groggy.

266. God, stop worrying.

267. Richard flew zeroes during the big one.

268. "Flew zeroes"? He's not Japanese.

269. What did you fly during the big one?

270. - Where am I? - Come on. Stop farting around.

271. Seriously, I don't know where I am.

272. What year is it?

273. How do I drive?

274. Let's bail.

275. What about Richard?

276. Screw Richard! It's every man for himself!

277. Let's get out of here.

278. Are you all right?

279. Am I Richard?

280. Then I'm fine.

281. But who were those people that ran away? Our friends?

282. That's a good question.

283. What is?

284. There are no takes.

285. There is no viewer.

286. The film is the story. The story is us.

287. We are the film.

288. So, what do you think?

289. I need to take a walk.

290. Dear God,

291. my movie is the worst piece of crap I have ever seen in my entire life.

292. How could I have been so blind?

293. It's a self-indulgent, adolescent mess. I can barely sit through it.

294. And now, with all this hype, I've got a Snakes on a plane brewing.

295. The critics will crucify me. My career will be over before it begins.

296. God, if you're out there,

297. I don't deserve it, but I need your help.

298. Please take this project away from me.

299. Make it rain, send a meteor,

300. anything.

301. Now?

302. Okay, I get it.

303. This is what I deserve.

304. I'll finish it up.

305. I'm Pierce Hawthorne's emergency contact.

306. - You're here to pick him up? - To be removed as his contact.

307. One second.

308. I got a class!

309. Where is everybody?

310. Is anyone coming to get Leonard?

311. No. Nobody comes for him anymore.

312. His kids asked us to stop calling them.

313. Why do you think he acts like that?

314. So we're in prison, right?

315. Bring him out.

316. Over here, Pierce. Come on. Book.

317. Go wait in the car.

318. - It wasn't my fault. - Go wait in the car.

319. - You want me to change that or not? - I guess not.

320. Could you do me a favor?

321. Could you add Britta Perry as a contact?

322. P-e-r-r-y.

323. Would you give her a call 2 times a week?

324. She gets pretty worried about him.

325. She works days, so make sure you call at night.

326. Everyone thinks what you did was destined to happen,

327. a proof that God was making my movie, a movie so good, it could never exist.

328. They think I'm a genius and you're a villain.

329. You heard me praying.

330. I don't know what you mean.

331. This is gonna be good!

332. Abed sent me a new link,

333. and that man knows his video virality.

334. So you're just gonna drop all pretense of actually teaching us?

335. Here we go.

336. Blessed be The Peacemakers, word to the meek,

337. The Kingdom of Heaven is open all week.

338. - You finished my movie. - I don't know what you mean.

339. You humble me.

340. You humble me too.

341. Open your books, because Abed has broken the Internet.

342. Great.

343. So which one of us is gonna head home and...

344. change?

345. Hilarious.

346. So you guys bought one of my outfits

347. and then staked out my apartment

348. every day until I wore it?

349. That's not pathetic.

350. Good job.

351. I guess I'm heading home to change now.

352. I hit traffic. Did I miss it?