Community 2x10

Tig Notaro as Bartender • Joe Nunez as Bouncer • Paul F. Tompkins as Robert

It is Troy's 21st birthday, so the group decides to hit the bars. While Britta and Jeff are drinking too many cocktails, Shirley is taking down incriminating pictures of herself, Annie is embracing her fake identity and Abed gets into a deep conversation with another Sci-Fi lover.

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1. Weird,

2. how we only sing the last two words? What happening to the birthday part?

3. Troy's a Jehovah's witness. He doesn't celebrate birthdays.

4. We did our best to keep the language on the cake.

5. "Hello during a random dessert,

6. "the month and day of which coincide numerically

7. with your expulsion from a uterus. "

8. - You guys, I never cry, but... - All right.

9. Happy expulsion, Troy,

10. but after cake, we cram for realsies.

11. Guys, finals are coming up.

12. This group is starting to use special occasions to avoid studying.

13. Last week we had fondue and played boggle 'cause Shirley's niece took her bath.

14. - With bubbles. - Thanks.

15. - It's a milestone. - Funny, 'cause last week

16. was my birthday, and nobody noticed and nobody cared.

17. You don't remember the huge party we threw?

18. We need to talk about those pain killers you're taking.

19. - That was a huge party. - It was the best party of my life!

20. Gotcha!

21. Of course I remember my birthday. What a party.

22. - You still owe me for the cake deposit. - You think I don't know that?

23. - Feygnasse Team -

24. La Fabrique ::.

25. 2x10: Mixology Certification

26. Kick puncher Detroit! No way! This is sold out everywhere!

27. No. I got a cousin in Detroit. They're not crazy about it up there.

28. This is how you turn 20. Thanks!

29. - There's strawberries under there. - Let me, help you with that.

30. I broke my legs, not my gender.

31. Whilwe're... Watching this unfold,

32. some birthday facts to enjoy.

33. Troy's birthday is tomorrow, December 4th.

34. Also born that day, Tyra Banks... Marisa Tomei...

35. And French cinematographer Claude Renoir.

36. Yes! Jackpot!

37. On the Chinese calendar, Troy is a horse.

38. Like me.

39. "Purposeful, self-possessed, and gregarious. "

40. No. I'm pretty sure I'm a snake.

41. I remember because I'm determined, self-possessed, and mendacious.

42. Pierce, what is this? What are you doing? Explain yourself.

43. Who made this crappy cake anyway?

44. - A cake maker. At a cake store. - They did it wrong.

45. Troy, we're 1990. We're horses.

46. - I was born in '89. - Then...

47. You were born 21 years ago.

48. Which would make me 20, 'cause everyone is 10 for two years.

49. Because fifth grade is really hard for every... one.

50. How many lies have I been living!

51. Troy, do you realize at midnight you are turning 21

52. as in "the legal drinking age"?

53. This party just became unacceptable we're going out.

54. But you were just Complaining about us having too many parties.

55. - Too many lame ones. This is real. - What makes it real?

56. Shirley, think of it as Troy taking his first bath,

57. only the bubbles are his manhood.

58. Yes. I wanna bathe in manhood.

59. I'm taking you to I street.

60. Douche street.

61. Of course you hate cool bars.

62. I don't suppose you've ever even been to I street.

63. No. But I also haven't been to Beirut.

64. But I'm sure I will go one day,

65. Because I hear they have lots of important cultural...

66. Unlike I street, which is douchey.

67. - Let's hear your great suggestions. - The red door.

68. Oh, yeah, the red door! The red hipster.

69. Not hipster.

70. Hipsters haven't discovered it yet. It's underound.

71. Why don't we go someplace fun like peg leg Pablo's?

72. - They serve virgin mudslides. - Those are milk shakes, Shirley.

73. All you think about is yourselves.

74. Think about me. I'm 19. I can't get into bars.

75. Okay, well...

76. Have fun.

77. - Fine. I'll get Annie an ID. - A fake ID.?

78. A Real. It just won't be yours.

79. I will see you at the red door.

80. We're not going to red poet's society.

81. We're not going to douche street either.

82. Count of three, name the least offensive bar

83. you've ever been to. One, two, three.

84. Flannahan's hole.

85. - Done. Troy, you ride with me? - Do you even have to ask?

86. - Pierce, do you wanna ride in my van? - I'm not a disabled.

87. I don't need people helping me

88. Do normal things and doting over me... Why don't you just leave...

89. Okay! I'll beat you there.

90. I don't think this girl looks very much like me.

91. - She's a white brunette. - So is Anne Hathaway.

92. Go on?

93. What's your friend doing with a stack of other people's IDS?

94. I don't know, sometimes people sell their ID

95. when they're leaving the state and need cash.

96. So she's a drifter.

97. A floater.

98. An urchin.

99. Caroline Decker from Corpus Christi, Texas.

100. Texas?

101. - Do I need an accent? - You don't need an accent.

102. - Howdy, y'all. I'm Caroline Decker. - Please don't do that.

103. I guar-un-tee!

104. That's Cajun.

105. - I should research Corpus Christi. - Annie, relax.

106. I'm not a relaxed person, Britta. I think ahead.

107. I prepare. I don't improvise my life like...

108. Caroline Decker,

109. who probably has really bad credit and an unfinished mermaid tattoo.

110. - What? - Flannahan's hole is closed.

111. That's not a...

112. I'm not being clever. I mean it's out of business.

113. That's what they get for trying to please everyone.

114. - So now what? - There's a place at third and water.

115. It's fun, divey, but not staph infection divey.

116. It's either got a gross name or an ironically fancy one.

117. Possibly both.

118. The ballroom. Good. Go to third and water.

119. Wait, what?

120. - That wasn't the deal! - Shirley's pushing back.

121. Why, 'cause they don't have plastic menus and milk shakes?

122. Don't repeat that, you goon!

123. Jeez. Look, just...

124. the women are your problem, and the men are going to the ballroom.

125. And now I guess I am being clever.

126. So... Plastic menus are bad?

127. See, this is the kinda stuff I need to learn.

128. Plastic menus seems like a great idea to me

129. for when you spill something on them, and your mom says,

130. "Troy, you're ruining fuddruckers for everyone. "

131. You're entering the next chapter of your life.

132. Sadly, it's the final chapter, but it's also the longest.

133. And if you play it right, the best.

134. You and I... We're just two guys now.

135. Peers. Equals.

136. So awesome. Maybe later you'll let me drive your car.

137. Hello, former enemy.

138. He's 21 at midnight. Cool?

139. Yeah. Happy birthday.

140. I don't like this place.

141. You made that clear, Shirley. Oy vey.

142. - Caroline Decker from Corpus Christi. - Annie, you don't need an accent.

143. If my ID says Texas, they'll be suspicious.

144. They're not gonna question your ID, 'cause you're a hot girl.

145. We're good for business. The hotter you are,

146. the more they'll risk the fine.

147. - Howdy? - Go ahead.

148. Can't be too careful.

149. I understand.

150. Shirley! Welcome back!

151. You don't know me.

152. - This place is all right! - Yeah. It's okay.

153. These pictures must be of all the regulars.

154. You think I can make it up to this wall?

155. I don't say this often, troy, but... Dream a little smaller.

156. Can I get you guys anything?

157. - I'm okay! - Another MacAllan. Neat.

158. - Vodka. Neat. Four olives. - I'm waiting till midnight.

159. Sweetie?

160. Water!

161. - Where's that accent from? - Corpus Christi. Texas.

162. - 78418. - What are you doin' here in town?

163. Not much, I reckon... Just driftin',

164. floatin', Spittin' in the wind.

165. General waywardness.

166. All righty.

167. Annie, you're in the bar. You don't have to be from Texas anymore.

168. I don't know how it works. I'm not a barfly.

169. They have Asteroids. Slide out.

170. I'm gonna go take a little look around.

171. Me too.

172. - Don't accept any drinks. - Or invitations to the bathroom.

173. So what are you gonna order for your first legal drink?

174. - What should I get? - All you want.

175. - No wrong answers. - I like beer.

176. - Don't order beer. - You've had beer.

177. - What should I get? - What do you think you might like?

178. - It's your world now. - Follow your heart.

179. My uncle Carl played a role in my life. He taught me how to throw a football.

180. He passed away this year.

181. His favorite drink was a seven and seven.

182. - Not this. - That's an awful.

183. That's a high school drink for girls.

184. Actually, I'll have a root beer instead of that water.

185. - Sure thing. - Thank you kindly.

186. Y'all are so nice in this town.

187. I'm Caroline. From Corpus Christi.

188. Grew up on a trout farm.

189. Deedly-do.

190. Careful.

191. You score any higher on this thing,

192. the Rylans are gonna recruit you to fight against the Ko-dan empire.

193. The last starfighter.

194. Did you get the 25th anniversary blu-ray?

195. Was scorpius half-scarran, half-peacekeeper?

196. Frell, yes, I got Starfighter on blu-ray.

197. You're a fan of the Sci-Fi original series Farscape.

198. Can I buy you a drink?

199. You got some id?

200. Very funny, punk. Get outta my way!

201. I don't know how people like you even get jobs today.

202. Do you need help, man?

203. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

204. A little turning of the tables.

205. - The turning of what tables? - I don't know! Leave me alone!

206. So I punched her.

207. Right in the face.

208. Your probation officer?

209. - Didn't you get in trouble? - Hell, yes, I got in trouble!

210. Wasn't the first time. Won't be the last.

211. I'm not exactly known for my sound judgment.

212. Back in Corpus christi, they call me capricious Caroline.

213. What's capricious mean?

214. Probably means I'm...

215. too busy livin' life to be learnin' $5-words.

216. Hot damn!

217. With an aged scotch, never use ice.

218. Never use ice. Got it.

219. - Why? - Destroys it.

220. At most, what you want, two drops of spring water. Activates the flavor.

221. Good lord. Do they have the rules to high-maintenance poser drinking

222. on the wall at I street?

223. - Do they? - Poser drinking?

224. Hey, miss vodka, need four olives. What's that called,

225. - the too-cool-to-care-tini? - Is it?

226. I bet the forced starkness of that drink order

227. turns a lotta horn-rimmed heads at the red door.

228. I can't wait to understand these arguments!

229. Hey, y'all, another round for ya. Everybody holdin' up?

230. I'll be back in two shakes of a rabbit's ass.

231. Who was that?

232. I gotta go see a woman about the female equivalent of a horse.

233. Classy. Way to show Troy the ropes.

234. Shut up, I street.

235. That woman is a hurricane.

236. Hurricanes are bad.

237. I know.

238. I always thought the wormhole Crichton can fell through

239. moved him across not only space but also time,

240. so the sebaceans would be our future selves

241. and Crichton is longing for a planet that no longer exists.

242. You're really nursing that beer.

243. What kind of wormhole would it be

244. if it could only move within the same galaxy on the same day?

245. Speaking of wormholes,

246. what do you say we use one to...

247. teleport this conversation someplace a little more private?

248. That doesn't make any sense.

249. Wormholes and teleportation are two different things.

250. - That's what I've been talking. - I noticed.

251. Cheers.

252. I followed that band phish, spells it with "ph".

253. I lived in parking lots where they played.

254. I don't even like their music. I did it to see if I could do it.

255. Guess what. I could!

256. - So what now? - I dunno!

257. Even if I planned it, plans fall off me like chicken crap off an armadilla.

258. Annie's the one that plans things, not me.

259. Annie's my friend. She goes to school here.

260. Thinks she's got it all figured out.

261. She wants to major in healthcare management.

262. What does that mean?

263. - No idea. - I'll tell you what it means.

264. It means a master's degree, followed by an internship.

265. She's got the next 15 years of her life all mapped out,

266. and all she gotta do now is just follow it or screw it up.

267. - Another soda? - Actually, gimme a screwdriver.

268. I got no place to be.

269. What am I... Annie?

270. The 2nd time you watch the 1st season, is better than the 3rd season,

271. and the 4th season, when you watch it the 5th time...

272. What's your name? Abed, I'm Robert.

273. Would you like to have...

274. gay sex... with me?

275. No, thank you.

276. Okay, so... What is wrong with you,

277. that you can sit here this whole time

278. and never pick up on the fact that a man is hitting on you?

279. - I picked up on it after a while. - You actually...

280. I really like talking about Farscape.

281. - It's a really good show. - Stargate's better.

282. Battery depleted.

283. That is wrong!

284. Wait.

285. Hey, there!

286. What you been up to?

287. I was just praying

288. for these poor souls in these photographs.

289. That's nice, but...

290. you missed one.

291. I found it in the ladies room.

292. - Give that to me. - No, no, come on!

293. Don't feel bad. This makes us like you way more.

294. - You think this is really funny. - Yeah, a little.

295. I had some bad years.

296. With a chaser.

297. Come on. It's a funny picture, because you act so perfect all the time.

298. And because you look like a zombie,

299. But it's not funny when you're sad.

300. We're on your team, relax. Sit down, it's my birthday.

301. Give it to me.

302. Give it to me.

303. See you all on Monday.

304. Blue town.

305. Shirley. Wait.

306. - Nothing. Get out of my way! - I can't get out of your way.

307. I'm stuck in this pl... The chair broke...

308. I mean, I can't get...

309. Could you please help me?

310. Pretty please?

311. Thank you, Shirley.

312. You're welcome, jackass.

313. It's my birthday.

314. Technically, I'm not allowed to drink for another 45 seconds.

315. It'll be 30 seconds by the time I'm done saying this.

316. - But can I have a seven and seven? - It's on the house.

317. Happy birthday, kid.

318. I prefer that to avatar. I'd rather have my eyes gouged out.

319. Imagine the hurt locker as radio play.

320. It would be fascinating and thrilling!

321. Go see the other play!

322. Big boy. Big, big boy.

323. You're my big boy.

324. I think I owe you a birthday.

325. I'm cool.

326. I always wanted to drive this thing.

327. This is my car?

328. - Don't crash it. - I'm not gonna crash it!

329. Crash it, Troy.

330. Go to sleep.

331. Crash his car, Troy!

332. Seems like a really dark chapter in our group story.

333. - Go to sleep, Abed. - Cool.

334. That's the place that we shoulda gone to tonight!

335. I street. Exactly.

336. It's the red door, stupid!

337. - You see a sign that says I street? - I street is too cool to have a sign.

338. It's called I street after the street it's on.

339. The red door's on I street.

340. I street has a red door.

341. It's the same bar?

342. You two have been saying one bar is lame

343. and the other one is awesome, all night...

344. and it's the same bar?

345. He probably was around Friday nights, which was lame.

346. You wish!

347. Stop. Just stop.

348. I just spent the last two years

349. thinking that you guys knew more than me about life,

350. and I just found out that you guys are just as dumb as me.

351. Duh-doy.

352. Got it.

353. Duh-doy.

354. You can take me home first. I only live a few blocks from here.

355. You do?

356. This is a really terrible neighborhood.

357. This is my apartment.

358. Weird night, huh?

359. Alcohol makes people sad.

360. It's like the lifetime movies of beverages.

361. I pretended to be a different person.

362. Abed does that three times a week.

363. But I did it because I didn't wanna be me.

364. I did it because...

365. I'm not sure who I am.

366. We went to school together for 4 years, and you didn't even know me.

367. But I know you now.

368. You're Annie.

369. You like puzzles and...

370. little monsters on your pencil and some guy named Mark Ruffalo.

371. You're a fierce competitor and a sore loser.

372. And you expect everybody to be better than who they are,

373. and you expect yourself to be better than everyone.

374. Which is cool.

375. Good night.

376. Guess everyone's gonna be pretty embarrassed on Monday?

377. Everybody just got a little bit drunk. Nobody did anything that bad, right?

378. No, wait.

379. What are we doing?

380. - What are we doing? - This is a bad idea, right?

381. I flew off the handle earlier.

382. I apologize.

383. - They were making out. - Abed, why would you say that?

384. Why would you do it in front of me? I'm not a coat rack.

385. No one likes a tattle tail.

386. Happy birthday, Troy.

387. Thanks.

388. You're a man now.

389. - I don't think this will be big enough. - Just try it-we're so close!

390. All right. Breathe in.

391. Arms.

392. There we go.

393. - 157! - We did it!

394. That you?

395. Little help?

396. - Hurry. I think it's a girl! - Left side or right side?

397. - Left side. - Got it. Tell me when I'm close.