1. A small fading remnant of a star.Copy !req
2. - A white dwarf.
- That's right!Copy !req
3. I used a memory technique.Copy !req
4. Dwarves hate being called midgets,
and midgets are small.Copy !req
5. And... what does a star turn into
after it collapses?Copy !req
6. - A movie of the week.
- Black hole.Copy !req
7. Right! You could be an astronomer.Copy !req
8. As far as I'm concerned,
only one black hole's worth studying.Copy !req
9. It's called Sagittarius A,
is located in the center of our galaxy,Copy !req
10. and has the density of 40 suns.Copy !req
11. Just like my weiner.Copy !req
12. You said weiner.
That's funny.Copy !req
13. Pierce and Troy didn't get along,
now they bond through adolescence.Copy !req
14. Shut up, fart head?Copy !req
15. Look at this group
having some kind of meetingCopy !req
16. and being so diverse.
There is just... Boy!Copy !req
17. There is just one of every kind of you,
isn't there?Copy !req
18. We are missing a pipsqueak,
but we don't want one, so beat it.Copy !req
19. That's the Dean.Copy !req
20. Are you kidding?
Sorry.Copy !req
21. - Just my luck.
- It's okay. Don't let me interrupt.Copy !req
22. Sometimes I just roll around campus
like a little football.Copy !req
23. I can't believe this.Copy !req
24. Here I am in a random conversation
about football,Copy !req
25. and I'm talking to Troy Barnes,
star quarterback from Riverside High...Copy !req
26. Did you know
that Greendale has a football team?Copy !req
27. Did you know they had a football?Copy !req
28. Very funny.Copy !req
29. I was sorry to hear about your injury.
But now that you have recovered,Copy !req
30. we would love for you to play
for the Human Beings.Copy !req
31. The team's name is the Human Beings?Copy !req
32. My idea. It was the Greendale Grizzlies,
but I thought...Copy !req
33. a lot of these students have been called
animals their whole lives.Copy !req
34. Unfortunately,
I dunno what to do about the mascot.Copy !req
35. I can help you with that.Copy !req
36. I have a wealth of experience
in image management,Copy !req
37. icon development,
and Y2K preparedness.Copy !req
38. Well, aren't you found money?Copy !req
39. All of your friends are lining up
to turn Greendale around.Copy !req
40. - How about you?
- He isn't interested in football.Copy !req
41. Getting injured in keg stand
was the best thing to him.Copy !req
42. Yoko ono much?Copy !req
43. Bros before hoes, Troy.Copy !req
44. Listen, man. No offense,
but I was the best, I finished on top.Copy !req
45. I wouldn't play for this school.Copy !req
46. Dean, I'm sure
Troy will sign up for footballCopy !req
47. if and when some accident damages
the part of his brain that feels pride.Copy !req
48. - Until then, would you excuse us?
- Well...Copy !req
49. if you change your mind,
the field is always open.Copy !req
50. Figuratively speaking.
Wednesdays and Sundays,Copy !req
51. it's used as parking overflow
for the mega-church.Copy !req
52. Let's meet the minimum requirements
for a language credit, shall we?Copy !req
53. Yes, but I need to go
to the bathroom first.Copy !req
54. No, I don't have to go.Copy !req
55. I'll go with you.Copy !req
56. She's offended?Copy !req
57. Girls go in groups.Copy !req
58. Did you learn nothing
from stand-up comedy in the '90s?Copy !req
59. I'm familiar with the concept.
I'm just...Copy !req
60. If it's important to Shirley,
I'll go with her next time.Copy !req
61. I'm willing to try
some more mainstream feminine stuff.Copy !req
62. Well, then you should know
that nothing says "I'm a woman"Copy !req
63. - like doing it with me.
- Nothing says, "I'm a pig" like you.Copy !req
64. Will they or won't they?
Sexual tension.Copy !req
65. It makes the group uncomfortableCopy !req
66. when you talk about us
like we're characters in a show.Copy !req
67. That's sort of my gimmick.Copy !req
68. But we did lean
on that pretty hard last week.Copy !req
69. I can lay low for an episode.Copy !req
70. You sure you made the right call
on the football team?Copy !req
71. It looks like they won something once.Copy !req
72. "Most valued customer.
Henderson trophy cases."Copy !req
73. So we should still study
a little more astronomy later.Copy !req
74. Maybe over some Milky Ways
or some Mars bars.Copy !req
75. Or pancakes!Copy !req
76. "I'm Jeff.
And I'm a student at Greendale."Copy !req
77. That's not good.Copy !req
78. Wood undergoes
rapid oxidationCopy !req
79. because it reacts
spontaneously to...Copy !req
80. Seriously,
we've talked about this.Copy !req
81. You got to turn off
your cell...Copy !req
82. - That's mine. My bad.
- I'm going to the bathroom.Copy !req
83. Would you like to come with me?Copy !req
84. Well, yes, I would.Copy !req
85. That's nice!Copy !req
86. Okay, what's it called?Copy !req
87. Antoni... An... Hold on.Copy !req
88. Does anyone have a pen?
Pen?Copy !req
89. No one has a pen.Copy !req
90. Why would you not bring a pen
to class?Copy !req
91. Idiot.
No, you're not an idiot.Copy !req
92. I had my blinker on about 5 minutes,
and this no-good, clearly baldCopy !req
93. but trying to hide it
with a bandana loser swooped right in.Copy !req
94. - Couldn't believe.
- Maybe he didn't see you.Copy !req
95. - He saw me!
- Maybe he had his blinker on too.Copy !req
96. Maybe. So you...
got any family, Britta?Copy !req
97. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
98. Think my mom
might visit this weekend.Copy !req
99. She and I are gonna get makeovers
at that spa...Copy !req
100. Makeovers.
They sure have us programmed, right?Copy !req
101. I am a female pleasure unit.Copy !req
102. I require a new coat of paint.Copy !req
103. - Just something I thought might be fun.
- Here's something I think might be fun.Copy !req
104. Find out the number of makeup companies
that are owned by women.Copy !req
105. I'll save you the trouble.
It's zero.Copy !req
106. But of course you're saying,
"Britta, aren't you a hypocrite?Copy !req
107. "You're plastered with glitter and goo
from head to toe, like the rest of us."Copy !req
108. Well, I also pay income tax
and pull over for cops,Copy !req
109. but that doesn't mean I support...Copy !req
110. Thanks for offering to help
design the new mascot.Copy !req
111. - I have been a little stumped.
- That's no problem.Copy !req
112. By the way, I took the liberty
of thumbnailing a Human Being prototypeCopy !req
113. which I modeled
after Da Vinci's Vitruvian man.Copy !req
114. The penis is a little small,
I think.Copy !req
115. I think it's...Copy !req
116. It... looks a lot like you.Copy !req
117. Here's the thing.
If we are the Human Beings, you know,Copy !req
118. and we have a white guy as a mascot,
what message are we sending?Copy !req
119. Our symbol should reflect the diversity
of our school and our species.Copy !req
120. So... black?Copy !req
121. No, because we're not
the Greendale Blacks,Copy !req
122. or the Greendale Asians
or any other creed.Copy !req
123. We are the Greendale Human Beings.Copy !req
124. Sorry to disturb you.Copy !req
125. Who are clearly looking at a drawing
of Pierce doing jumping Jacks.Copy !req
126. - Dean, a quick download, please?
- Absolutely. Excuse me.Copy !req
127. Fill me in later.Copy !req
128. I'll go with a pencil.Copy !req
129. First of all...Copy !req
130. - I'm flattered.
- You're a very photogenic man.Copy !req
131. Is that real bed head,
or do you put something in there?Copy !req
132. - Crispy.
- Thinking about the disembodied heads,Copy !req
133. I thought, where's the heart?
The soul?Copy !req
134. Where's the different poster design?Copy !req
135. I did think those
were less than personable,Copy !req
136. which is why
I went with the full bodiesCopy !req
137. in these mailers we have going out.Copy !req
138. Mailers?
I didn't give permission for this.Copy !req
139. Did you not read the release agreement
on the back of your registration form?Copy !req
140. I'm starting to see
why someone used to be a lawyer.Copy !req
141. - Up top!
- If someone from the outside...Copy !req
142. If someone were to find out
I am a student at a community college,Copy !req
143. that could have a negative impact
on my future career.Copy !req
144. Goodness.Copy !req
145. Look what we have stumbled onto...
an opportunity to help each other out.Copy !req
146. I suppose I wouldn't need
this promotional campaignCopy !req
147. if I could announce to the press
Troy Barnes is playing football here.Copy !req
148. I think he's been pretty clear
about declining that offer.Copy !req
149. If you said "jump",
he'd say "how high?"Copy !req
150. If you said "stop",
he'd say "hammertime".Copy !req
151. - You starting to get what I mean?
- No. I need another example.Copy !req
152. You know, I didn't realize before,Copy !req
153. we should send those
out to local businesses.Copy !req
154. Law firms.Copy !req
155. Lawyer...Copy !req
156. companies?Copy !req
157. Legal...Copy !req
158. gatherings?Copy !req
159. - You trying to blackmail me?
- I think so.Copy !req
160. Gentlemen...Copy !req
161. I present to you
the Greendale Human Being.Copy !req
162. That's a falcon with a gun.Copy !req
163. Now it's a falcon with an erection.Copy !req
164. He's just laying low.Copy !req
165. - You going to the bathroom?
- Yes.Copy !req
166. - I'll go with you.
- You know what? I'm good.Copy !req
167. She probably just, you know,
had to go number two.Copy !req
168. - What's the closest planet to Earth?
- Planet Hollywood.Copy !req
169. That's not the right answer.
But it shows how fun astronomy can be.Copy !req
170. - Can I talk to you for a sec?
- We're studying, so Troy's busy.Copy !req
171. Well, the galaxy's not going anywhere.
I'll bring him back.Copy !req
172. You ever miss being a quarterback?Copy !req
173. I miss being the best at something.Copy !req
174. I miss having a coach.Copy !req
175. I miss knowing what to think.Copy !req
176. You still know what to think.Copy !req
177. - Good.
- For instance,Copy !req
178. after the Dean talked to you,
you and I were thinking the same thing.Copy !req
179. He looks like Moby!Copy !req
180. We were thinking...
what if Troy did play for Greendale?Copy !req
181. You'd be surprised at how many
of your favorite football playersCopy !req
182. got started at community college.Copy !req
183. Really? Name one.Copy !req
184. - Who's your favorite player?
- Me.Copy !req
185. Maybe you and I should go check out
the Greendale thunderdome.Copy !req
186. The dome arrives later.Copy !req
187. It comes with thunder.Copy !req
188. Let me tell you
a little secret about me.Copy !req
189. Every day on my way to school,Copy !req
190. I drive through downtown
past the courthouseCopy !req
191. just to get a glimpse of the world
that I once ruled.Copy !req
192. And I just wanna jump out of my car,
run up the stepsCopy !req
193. and exploit the legal system for profit.
But I can't.Copy !req
194. I'm locked out of my old kingdom.Copy !req
195. You're not.
You see what I'm saying?Copy !req
196. - You're saying I could be a lawyer.
- I'm saying you're a football player!Copy !req
197. - It's in your blood!
- That's racist!Copy !req
198. - Your soul.
- Racist.Copy !req
199. - Your eyes?
- Gay?Copy !req
200. - That's homophobic.
- Black.Copy !req
201. - That's racist!
- Damn.Copy !req
202. When you played, you were a God.Copy !req
203. Now you're not playing,
and you're not.Copy !req
204. I'd tell you to do the math,
but math isn't important.Copy !req
205. The only thing important is this.Copy !req
206. - But Annie said...
- That Benjamin Button was compelling.Copy !req
207. Look, she's a smart girl,
but sometimes she's just wrong.Copy !req
208. 85... go long!Copy !req
209. It's like a drug, isn't it?
Feel it, Troy. Throw it!Copy !req
210. The scoreboard lights up.Copy !req
211. There will be a scoreboard there.Copy !req
212. It's complete!
Nice catch!Copy !req
213. The girls, the glory,
the scouts, the career!Copy !req
214. It starts when you join this team.Copy !req
215. - Is that linebacker a pregnant woman?
- Look, you can meet them later.Copy !req
216. But this decision has to be yours,
T-Bone.Copy !req
217. And this decision has to be yes.Copy !req
218. How did you know about T-Bone?Copy !req
219. Because you're a football player,
and your name begins with "T".Copy !req
220. Your name... begins...Copy !req
221. with "T".Copy !req
222. Are you finished?Copy !req
223. I have to go, but apparently,Copy !req
224. I failed yesterday's tryouts
for the position of bathroom companion.Copy !req
225. - I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings.
- You didn't hurt my feelings.Copy !req
226. I don't need to go to the bathroom
with other people.Copy !req
227. Was trying to throw you a bone.
I like you.Copy !req
228. You can keep that bone.Copy !req
229. Listening to a story about a stranger
pissing me off and taking his side?Copy !req
230. You can't talk about your own business,
but you insinuate my mama's a robot.Copy !req
231. Because she and I want makeovers.Copy !req
232. That is the ladies' room,Copy !req
233. a place where ladies go to share,
listen, support each other and...Copy !req
234. discreetly eliminate waste.Copy !req
235. And I like you too.
Even like that you're a little hard.Copy !req
236. But if you can't learn
to be soft in there,Copy !req
237. you need to pee alone.Copy !req
238. I've peed alone my whole life.Copy !req
239. Women have always hated me.Copy !req
240. I don't even know how it started.Copy !req
241. Maybe it was when I got boobs
before everyb...Copy !req
242. Not out here.Copy !req
243. In there.Copy !req
244. Troy, Troy, the wonder boy!
You dropped your books, Poindexter.Copy !req
245. - I've been waiting for an hour.
- It's all right, I'm worth it.Copy !req
246. Hip, hop, body don't stopCopy !req
247. Riverside got the broom,
don't need a mopCopy !req
248. Put your team in a box,
put a ribbon on topCopy !req
249. We're not John Kerry
'cause we don't flip-flopCopy !req
250. Why you doing a conservative high school
shamefully outdated fight rap?Copy !req
251. - Have you been playing football?
- Threw the skin around couple of times.Copy !req
252. Still got it.Copy !req
253. But you knew we had
an astronomy test tomorrow.Copy !req
254. Class blows.Copy !req
255. What I need to know about the universe
is that I'm at the center of it.Copy !req
256. Bing, bong, sing alongCopy !req
257. Your team's Al Gore
'cause your views are wrongCopy !req
258. Don't become this person again.
This isn't the real you.Copy !req
259. This is the arrogant JockCopy !req
260. that totally ignored the only people
that truly liked himCopy !req
261. for non-superficial reasons
but couldn't say anythingCopy !req
262. because their parents are bigots!Copy !req
263. Football is bad for you, Troy.Copy !req
264. Jeff said you'd say that.Copy !req
265. What now?Copy !req
266. I think if we add in
a little bit of Phylicia Rashad,Copy !req
267. - we'll be in better shape.
- That beige is a little light.Copy !req
268. We are developing
the perfect mascot.Copy !req
269. No stereotypical identifiers
from any race or gender.Copy !req
270. This is a chart of the features
we're staying away from...Copy !req
271. Pan-asian eye folds,Copy !req
272. - irish chins, women's breasts.
- Is that Seal?Copy !req
273. That is our human color wheel.Copy !req
274. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.Copy !req
275. - So?
- Not being racist is the new racism.Copy !req
276. What happened to the prototype?Copy !req
277. I left the nose in the kiln.Copy !req
278. So... Troy is gonna play football.Copy !req
279. Which means
I'll be getting rid of these.Copy !req
280. I won't mail these out,
but they are staying with meCopy !req
281. until the press announces
that Troy is a part of the team.Copy !req
282. And I want him
at that pep rally tonight.Copy !req
283. Reporters are gonna be there.
We're gonna unveil the new mascot.Copy !req
284. And things are finally
going to start turning around.Copy !req
285. My ex-therapist is gonna think twiceCopy !req
286. before he makes fun of my job!Copy !req
287. Here it is. Still hot.Copy !req
288. I'm gonna get some more coffee.
You want anything?Copy !req
289. A Desmond Tutu with just enough cream
to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.Copy !req
290. La bamba.Copy !req
291. I've been following you.Copy !req
292. How much did the Dean pay you?Copy !req
293. I'm not having a conversation
with someone who emerges from a bush.Copy !req
294. - Because I'm right?
- Because I'm not in a commercial.Copy !req
295. The Dean has pictures of me, okay?Copy !req
296. Horrible pictures of me...Copy !req
297. attending his school.Copy !req
298. And for that you'd convince Troy
to flush life down footballs toilet?Copy !req
299. Britta's right,
you are the most selfish person alive!Copy !req
300. And all that is gonna end right now.
I'm telling him what friend you are.Copy !req
301. Maybe you should tell him
you're hopelessly in love with him.Copy !req
302. High school must have been tough, huh?
Waiting for a superstar to notice you.Copy !req
303. But here... here...Copy !req
304. he's all alone,
and he needs so much help!Copy !req
305. Did you enroll in all of his classes,
or you worried that might freak him out?Copy !req
306. The important thing
is that you are there for him.Copy !req
307. The important thing is that
you are the only one there for him.Copy !req
308. You don't really care
what he wants...Copy !req
309. as long as you don't have to share him
with the rest of the world.Copy !req
310. Because, really,
you are just as selfish as I am.Copy !req
311. You're just not as good at it yet.Copy !req
312. You're right.Copy !req
313. I could never be as good as you.Copy !req
314. Probably because I actually care.Copy !req
315. Profound,
but technically meaningless.Copy !req
316. Don't bother trying that thing
women do where they walk awayCopy !req
317. and make the guy feel like crap,
because it won't happen!Copy !req
318. Damn it.Copy !req
319. Will you please come
to the bathroom with me?Copy !req
320. Where's Shirley?Copy !req
321. Shirley's not coming.Copy !req
322. But I'm here...Copy !req
323. to listen... girl.Copy !req
324. Why do we inflict so much pain
on ourselves for men?Copy !req
325. I don't...Copy !req
326. know... sweetie.Copy !req
327. Maybe...Copy !req
328. it's because men
make the world go round?Copy !req
329. Kleenex?Copy !req
330. I've been...Copy !req
331. I've been infatuated with Troy.Copy !req
332. Now he's joining football.Copy !req
333. He'll have his pick of the litter
and...Copy !req
334. I'll never get to be with him!Copy !req
335. Screw him!Copy !req
336. There are guys out there
that would kill to be with you.Copy !req
337. And if Troy isn't one of them,
that's him failing your standards.Copy !req
338. You got that?Copy !req
339. You're right.Copy !req
340. I can't control him.Copy !req
341. If I truly cared about him,Copy !req
342. I wouldn't want to.Copy !req
343. Thanks for talking to me, Britta.Copy !req
344. It really helped.Copy !req
345. Seriously?Copy !req
346. Who's my girl?Copy !req
347. I did it, I did it!Copy !req
348. Yes, you did!Copy !req
349. Human Beings, Human Beings!Copy !req
350. - Don't go in there, man.
- What?Copy !req
351. You got the most
you were ever gonna get out of football.Copy !req
352. A life of disillusionment and depression
begins on the other side of that door.Copy !req
353. Is this your first pep rally
or something?Copy !req
354. You told me football was
the most important thing in the world.Copy !req
355. Well, buckle up. I was exaggerating.
It's kinda my gimmick.Copy !req
356. - Let me tell you...
- No, I tell you.Copy !req
357. You know that keg flip
that cost me my scholarship?Copy !req
358. I hurt myself on purpose.Copy !req
359. What?Copy !req
360. There was a scout coming
to the final game at Riverside and...Copy !req
361. I couldn't take the pressure,
so I took the easy way out.Copy !req
362. But when you showed me that field,
I saw there was nothing to worry.Copy !req
363. I could play football for the fun of it.
Have you seen these guys?Copy !req
364. - There is nowhere to go but up.
- Dude, we have feelings.Copy !req
365. I don't know about you,
but I know I ended up hereCopy !req
366. because things weren't that great
out there.Copy !req
367. You should try accepting
where you're at.Copy !req
368. Take a pottery class or something.Copy !req
369. Greendale, we're number one!Copy !req
370. Nancy Pelosi is no fun!Copy !req
371. I've decided to support Troy.Copy !req
372. They deploy things in football, right?
I went for rhyme over clarity.Copy !req
373. I'm really sorry about before.Copy !req
374. - I just think we were both wrong.
- Really?Copy !req
375. Because I'm an 18-year-old girl,
and you made me cry in public.Copy !req
376. Maybe I was a little more wrong.Copy !req
377. I should grow up
and make peace with being here.Copy !req
378. It's not like Greendale's gonna kill me
or anything.Copy !req
379. Holy crap!Copy !req
380. Sorry. Say hello
to our ethnically neutral mascot...Copy !req
381. The Greendale Human Being.Copy !req
382. The costume makes it difficult
for him to see.Copy !req
383. He can't move his mouth either.Copy !req
384. Take it from me,
that's human for "Hello".Copy !req
385. - Let's get you into the pep rally!
- Great idea. Let's do it!Copy !req
386. - We've solved racism. What's next?
- Let's do something for little people.Copy !req
387. - Or albinos!
- Little albinos.Copy !req
388. This has the potential
to be a uniquely Greendale experience.Copy !req
389. Milady.Copy !req
390. Milord.Copy !req
391. - Attention, students, this is Abed...
- And the disco spider...Copy !req
392. Here at Greendale...Copy !req
393. Say what?Copy !req
394. A few quick announcements.
Announcement number one:Copy !req
395. all announcements will be cool
starting right now.Copy !req
396. Announcement number two: butt soup.Copy !req
397. Announcement number three:Copy !req
398. I am not Haji from Johnny Quest,
Jeff Winger.Copy !req
399. In security news, you got to start
locking the door so we don't get in.Copy !req