Community 1x5

Directed by Joe Russo

Richard Erdman as Leonard • Dino Stamatopoulos as Star-Burns • Erik Charles Nielsen as Garrett Lambert • John Oliver as Professor Ian Duncan

Señor Chang warns that he'll give failing marks to the whole class unless the cheater admits to his/her indiscretion. Jeff then defends the one who comes forward. Annie and Pierce team up to compose a new school song.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Good morning, Greendale community college.

2. This is your Dean

3. reminding you that among your school's prestigious alumni

4. is Mr. Luis Guzman,

5. celebrated actor and model Puerto-Rican American.

6. This Friday, we'll be dedicating a statue of Guzman

7. and unveiling our brand-new school song.

8. So boy, I don't know about you,

9. but this sure feels like a real college to me.

10. Greendale!

11. Good morning! How is student life, my dry-witted friend?

12. Probably the same as teacher life, but less tragic, cause I get to leave.

13. Very dry. Very witty. Not a great friend.

14. I wanted to ask you about that lady in your Spanish class.

15. The blonde with the pouty,

16. strident Cate Blanchett sexuality and the ridiculous name?

17. - Britta? - That's it.

18. Imagine living with that. Can you imagine?

19. Unbelievable.

20. Anyway, are you two an item, and if so,

21. would that item be impervious to sabotage?

22. You know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena.

23. How is it that you and James Bond come from the same island?

24. Message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first.

25. - Cheers. - MASH.

26. Fawlty Towers. Game over.

27. Think Luis Guzman will ever come to visit his statue?

28. I'd like to ask him about his movies, particularly Carlito's Way,

29. The Cowboy Way, The Hard Way, and Q&A.

30. Luis Guzman is on a private jet from Hollywood,

31. cause he can't wait to have that conversation.

32. - How does he know about me? - Cause he called me on my cell phone.

33. Why would he call you?

34. You don't know?

35. - I'm President Obama's nephew. - You never mentioned that.

36. Didn't know if I could trust you. But it's time to tell you everything...

37. Starting with me inventing the Ferrari.

38. I guess the phone number you put on the study group sheet was fake,

39. which I learned in the awkward conclusion

40. of a month-long text affair with a dude from Boulder.

41. - Sorry. - That's okay.

42. Just give me your real number. I'll cleanse my palate.

43. I'll give it to you

44. if you promise not to use it only for friendship.

45. Pass.

46. Star Burns... that means you.

47. My name's Alex, dude.

48. Should spend hours sculpting that in your face.

49. Last night I graded your tests. I'm sure you wanna know how you did.

50. I'm not gonna tell you.

51. Until I find out who did...

52. this!

53. What is that?

54. It's a tiny piece of paper, okay? That's all it is. Tiny piece of paper.

55. Containing all the information covered on the test.

56. Otherwise known as a crib sheet.

57. Who did it?

58. Marianne?

59. Grandpa?

60. Jackee?

61. Kumar? There's one asian stereotype that does apply to me.

62. Whoever did this insulted my honor.

63. They've got 24 hours to come forward,

64. or Mr. Miyagi here will wax off everyone's score

65. and the whole class gets a cero!

66. 'cept you, Toby.

67. The only difference between señor Chang and Stalin

68. is that I know who señor Chang is.

69. Did you hear him call me Jackee like I'm some black female caricature?

70. If God hadn't been watching, I'd have slapped him.

71. Who do you guys think cheated?

72. Flattering. But if I'm gonna cheat,

73. I'm not gonna write information onto a paper.

74. That's practically learning.

75. Whoever made that crib sheet wasn't a cheater.

76. Just... insecure and naive.

77. I may be naive, but I'm not stupid.

78. I may be stupid, but I'm not trying to look like I'm not.

79. I may be a genius, but I'm not a lesbian.

80. Who cares?

81. The only cheater is the guy who's threatening everyone with a zero.

82. You're right! It's so unfair. I can't handle this stress right now.

83. I'm already overwhelmed by my duties on the school song committee.

84. Are you a musician?

85. I hired a local composer. But he's quite a handful.

86. I guess that's your fault.

87. You got a pianist and songwriter sitting 3 feet away from you.

88. I wrote the jingle for Hawthorne Wipe's moist towelettes.

89. I would have done your song for free. Smooth move, Metamucil.

90. Troy could do the school song. He invited rap music,

91. is related to Danny Glover and Obama.

92. Have you been racist this whole time

93. while I'm telling everybody at church what a sweet caramel angel you are?

94. Stuff I said this morning wasn't true. I was just messin' with you.

95. - You were lying? - As a joke.

96. - Never had anybody mess with you? - Yes. Just kidding. No. Like that?

97. This isn't a table.

98. That's funny.

99. Remember when we used to study Spanish?

100. I talked to the Dean, he said you can write the school song.

101. - Well, that's more like it. - The statue dedication is this Friday.

102. - So you have to have it done by then. - This Friday?

103. - If that's not enough time... - You don't know much about genius.

104. - Yes, I can do it by Friday. - Great!

105. There's a piano in the rehearsal space. I'll help you out however I can.

106. - You're gonna do an awesome job! - I know!

107. So... this is the last chance

108. for the cheater to be an adult

109. and face la musica...

110. Or everyone fails.

111. You got ten seconds...

112. Starting now.

113. I've never... gotten a zero before.

114. I did it.

115. You took your time with that one.

116. How dare you terrorize a class by threatening their grades.

117. It's not that easy to get human beings to turn on each other.

118. Turn on her!

119. Real mature!

120. That's right.

121. We are mature!

122. Too mature to sit in a class

123. with a cheating, lying poop-face!

124. Time to learn some formal greetings.

125. I bet you're enjoying this.

126. When we first met, like you were up here and I was here, and now...

127. I gave a quarter to a dirty bum today.

128. What they're gonna do to me?

129. We're not gonna buy you an ice cream. Dean Pelton.

130. What an entrance I got to make there. You would be Britta Perry.

131. I just spoke with señor Chang,

132. and I'm afraid Greendale takes this kinda thing very seriously.

133. Much like a university would!

134. Your case will be reviewed

135. by a disciplinary tribunal tomorrow in Borchart Hall.

136. - You could be facing expulsion. - Isn't Borchart Hall the pool?

137. There is an olympic-sized pool there, yes, but we will be next to it,

138. using its $6,000 judge's table!

139. Is she allowed to have counsel? I may not be a lawyer anymore,

140. but relative to this place, I'm Alan Dershowitz.

141. If you'd like, you may represent her. Dean you later.

142. Ain't gonna sit while some tribunal gets its jollies judging me.

143. If you show up with me, follow my lead, and deny everything, you'll walk.

144. - That's the Winger guarantee. - I get it.

145. You think you're gonna save my bacon using your lawyer powers

146. and send me into fits of grateful arousal.

147. I can neither confirm nor deny that.

148. See how good I am?

149. Troy. Did you hear?

150. All dogs are blue now.

151. Every single dog in the world is blue.

152. - I'm just messing with you. - Let me explain to you

153. a few things about how this works.

154. First of all, I cannot be got, because I am not gullible like you.

155. Secondly, you are not good at this,

156. because you are not believable in your face, okay?

157. Your face? It's bad.

158. Also...

159. You gotta ride the line between believable and...

160. - What are you writing in? - It's a notepad.

161. - But what are... What language? - Probably Arabic.

162. I am convening this disciplinary tribunal

163. at our state-of-the-art judge's table,

164. which has its own built-in sound system so take that yale.

165. Our judges include myself, Dean Craig Pelton.

166. Professor Ian Duncan.

167. Professor Ben Chang.

168. No, you're a teacher. Not a professor.

169. Maybe because I don't look like Ron Weasley.

170. That's the difference, the qualifying factor.

171. Gentlemen, point of order.

172. How can señor Chang be one of the judges?

173. He's the one accusing my client.

174. You got Prince Charles over here, who's your drinking buddy.

175. Got me.

176. It sounds like there are two biases, one on each side, and I go both ways.

177. Let's strike that. Lashonda, can we please strike that?

178. I am impartial, so it should all work out.

179. Let's begin.

180. Fine. The tribunal calls teacher Chang.

181. - Just keep it up Frost/Nixon. - I was planning on doing that.

182. Cleared my whole day.

183. Could you remind us of the events of yesterday?

184. With great pleasure. It was a Tuesday,

185. crack of dawn, 5:58 am.

186. I got up, I took my morning deuce,

187. I made a breakfast consisting of...

188. Green-dale

189. Slop

190. Greendale isn't a slop pail

191. - Almost done. - Good.

192. Tell the Dean I'll have a song that'll make the Devil poop God's pants.

193. That's exciting.

194. Mind if I hear what you got so far?

195. I'll probably open with something like this.

196. You know, a note like that.

197. And end with a note like that.

198. The words, I can't tell you. You know, the rest is really a surprise.

199. I'm just a little worried. I keep hearing the same two notes,

200. and your sheet music looks like a Chinese takeout menu.

201. A musician sees music in everything.

202. I mean, it could be...

203. Moo shoo pork

204. Squab with lettuce

205. You see? I mean, it just comes out.

206. - You really shouldn't be here. - What?

207. You are inside a throbbing, cosmic womb

208. of creativity, and when this baby starts kicking,

209. I cannot be responsible for your sanity.

210. I know it sounds funny, but let me play you out.

211. Playing you out now, this song. Like on stage?

212. Playing you out, okay? Thanks for coming.

213. Bye-bye.

214. And then she yelled "Screw you", Or "Screw education",

215. or something like that and then she stormed out of the room

216. in her high-heel boots like it was tampon time.

217. - If you know what I mean. - Objection. I don't know what he means.

218. Please don't encourage him.

219. - Do you have any more questions? - The defense calls Britta Perry.

220. Are those the high-heel boots he was talking about?

221. Are they comfortable? They're cute.

222. Did you make that crib sheet?

223. She confessed!

224. She confessed to protect her classmates,

225. because you were threatening to flunk everyone!

226. You did what?

227. Shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!

228. British dentistry is not on trial.

229. Dean Pelton, I move this case be thrown out of...

230. - The pool area! - It certainly...

231. Well, it certainly sounds to me that this young lady's only crime

232. is being a hero and wanting to be taller.

233. - This tribunal is adjourned. - I cheated!

234. - And we're back. - Objection. My client did not cheat.

235. Yes, I did.

236. Yes, she did...

237. But why?

238. That's the real question, isn't it?

239. The world wasn't the only thing that changed on September 11th.

240. 5-minute recess?

241. There's nothing In the bylaws about recesses, all right?

242. The wheels of justice here don't stop just because...

243. Time out!

244. Save the table!

245. Beginning transmission.

246. The primary purpose seems to be male bonding,

247. the attitude during conveyance is apparently of great importance.

248. The humanoid is approximately 5'10" in height.

249. What are you doing?

250. I didn't see you. How long were you standing there?

251. - You trying to mess with me? - That's what I was doing. You got me.

252. I was, but I guess I blew it again.

253. You did.

254. - Man, don't turn your back on me. - It is on like Donkey Kong!

255. Have you got a problem with me?

256. I don't like the fact that you're walking around here

257. like you're better than me in front of my students.

258. Do you mind if we have this conversation in a room with less balls?

259. You're very confident, I'll say that.

260. But you shouldn't be.

261. What are you doing?

262. - I have a problem with dishonesty. - You're on trial for cheating!

263. Look, we'll be fine.

264. I just have to go back out there and make the case you're a good person.

265. You're just doing all of this cause you want to sleep with me.

266. You don't even want to be my friend.

267. Wait a minute. Is that what you thought I meant?

268. - Look at me. - I am.

269. Look how handsome my face is.

270. If all I wanted was sex, I could get it from plenty of women

271. without having to go through this crap.

272. I'm here because I like you,

273. and I'd be psyched to be your friend.

274. I didn't want to take sex off the table without doing my due diligence.

275. - I actually believe you. - Why wouldn't you?

276. I don't know. I guess... same reason that I cheated.

277. I just have more experience being worthless.

278. I left that crib sheet on the floor because I wanted to get caught.

279. I'm so used to screwing everything up I just wanted to get it over with.

280. I think we have our defense.

281. Gentlemen...

282. - My client is insane. - What?

283. Gentlemen, I'm sure you suspected...

284. that Ms. Perry was pretty odd before the recess.

285. But if you could've heard all the stuff she just told me in the shower,

286. you would realize she is all the way out

287. of her entire damn mind.

288. She doesn't want to succeed

289. because she doesn't think she can.

290. So she goes out of her way to fail.

291. That's crazy!

292. But...

293. Do we really want to make it a crime to be crazy at Greendale?

294. Look at us.

295. I mean, you two are arguing about status at a college

296. that correspondence schools make fun of.

297. Dean, you want so bad for this place to be Ivy league

298. that you are putting us at risk of electrocution.

299. Everyone on this campus is nuts.

300. Not me!

301. Come on. If you're gonna argue with me, put on a bathing suit.

302. Busted.

303. If you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate,

304. you need to sentence her to staying here with us.

305. Because if crazy people can't be at Greendale,

306. where are we supposed to go?

307. On the circumstances, I'll recommend that the accused be fully exonerated.

308. On the condition that she receives psychological counseling

309. on a weekly basis from a mental health professional.

310. Thinking maybe Fridays, nine-ish, something like that.

311. All in favor say "Aye".

312. Wait, what?

313. That just happened.

314. - Greetings, Abed. - Greetings, Commander.

315. Tell me about the one they call Troy.

316. Well, he is rather arrogant and has no mercy for weaker beings.

317. Stop doing this right now.

318. I'm not an alien.

319. I never thought you were.

320. But this is insane, okay?

321. Those are credible alien hand movements.

322. You invented a whole language. I'm sure you rented a green screen.

323. It would be less creepy if you were actually an alien.

324. This is what friends do.

325. From now on,

326. friends don't mess with each other.

327. It's over. He knows.

328. - You're getting a little sloppy. - We went over-budget.

329. I've got it.

330. Greendale, Greendale little star

331. I'm a fraud, Annie.

332. I'm no more of a songwriter than you or Billy Joel.

333. What about the Hawthorne Wipes jingle?

334. You want to hear it? Here.

335. You'll be wiping off that ketchup

336. With our wipes, Hawthorne Wipes!

337. You'll be wiping off that mustard

338. With our wipes at the picnic!

339. That's She'll be coming around the mountain.

340. I know! I steal everything. You backed the wrong horse.

341. - I got nothing. - Pierce, you're musical.

342. You're creative. You can do this. I believe in you.

343. You shouldn't. I quit.

344. You listen up!

345. I gonna tell you what my mother told me when I wanted to quit cheerleading.

346. You're not very pretty,

347. you have no boobs, and you can't do a basket toss to save your life,

348. but you made a commitment.

349. So pick up your pompoms,

350. stuff your bra, get ready for the team bus

351. to forget you at a taco bell, because life is tough.

352. But we soldier on, and that's just the way it goes.

353. Gonna play myself out.

354. The way it goes.

355. That's it.

356. One, two, Luis Guzman!

357. - Greendale may never be... - Just don't talk to me.

358. No problem. Just glad you're here.

359. I'd like to introduce our student, Pierce Hawthorne,

360. who's written Greendale its own school song.

361. Thank you, Dean. This song goes out to Annie.

362. For believing in me.

363. Standing in the bookstore line

364. Waiting for the bell to chime

365. So you can go to class

366. Dancing in your underwear

367. Taking air conditioner repair

368. - Does Bruce Hornsby know he stole it? - I don't think so. Let him enjoy it.

369. - Can we get sued? - Not sure.

370. Greendale's the way it goes

371. They got us.

372. Some things are still the same

373. Slop pails and pantyhose

374. Annie believes in me

375. - How many? - 46. You win.

376. - Best of three? - Yeah.