Community 1x2

Directed by Joe Russo

Dino Stamatopoulos as Star-Burns • Sabrina Carmichael as Nervous Girl • Rene Napoli as Spanish Student • Sam Felman as Silent Protest Student

When Señor Chang assigns the class a project that requires partners, Jeff works to become Britta's partner. However, his attempts backfire and he ends up with someone he didn't want to work with. Meanwhile, Shirley and Annie help Britta with a social justice cause.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Good afternoon, Greendale community college.

2. I am your dean with a few corrections to the fall class catalog.

3. Cosmology should be cosmetology,

4. astrology should be astronomy,

5. and the students on the cover should be smiling,

6. but that's a matter of opinion.

7. Whoever is growing a patch of cannabis behind the gymnasium,

8. congratulations. You have won a cruise.

9. Report to security to claim your tickets.

10. In order to increase awareness of homelessness,

11. security has been given binoculars.

12. In campus news,

13. the debate over our library's PA system continues

14. with some students suggesting its volume be lowered,

15. while others question its very purpose.

16. More on that story as it unfolds.

17. - He makes a lot of announcements. - I like it,

18. every ten minutes feel like a new scene of a tv show.

19. Illusion only lasts until someone says something they'd never say on tv

20. like how much their life is like tv. There, it's gone.

21. I guess Jeff's running late again.

22. What a shame. We should get started...

23. We should wait for Jeff before we start studying.

24. But when Jeff gets here,

25. we could talk to him about his tardiness.

26. Don't use that word around Abed.

27. If you want me to have a chat with Jeff, I'd be happy to do it.

28. We've got a bond going, kind of. Sorta like brothers.

29. Hope you didn't take baths together 'cause one of you would've been 30.

30. That's funny.

31. Jeff probably comes late not to sit through your tardiness.

32. Sorry.

33. Will you have some self respect?

34. You're obsessing over someone who does not give you a second thought.

35. In Guatemala, journalists are killed by their own government.

36. You jumped a column. What's happening there?

37. - Nothing. - Journalists are being murdered?

38. Believe me, every day in that country, people are killed for speaking out.

39. The worst part of it is when it's over...

40. - Spoilers. - It would never even happened.

41. Real stories... They don't have spoilers.

42. You understand that tv and life are different, right?

43. - Milady. - Milord.

44. - Baby. - Sweetie.

45. - You smell nice. Vitamin P. - Morning, Jeffrey.

46. People were jazzed to see me too.

47. - Word 'em up. - Word 'em everywhere.

48. - Good entrance. - That was for you.

49. There's something that the group would like to tell you.

50. Actually, there's nothing...

51. If you're gonna study with people, it would be cool to show up on time.

52. Were you waiting?

53. - I just got here. - Cause you usually spend 20 minutes

54. talking about your personal lives and your cool emotional problems.

55. I never have anything to offer.

56. Truth is my life is emptier than this three-ring binder.

57. You have any Spanish notes that might fit in there?

58. Double-spaced. Thank you.

59. What's a guy got to do to get a C around here?

60. One-liner.

61. Good studying. See you later. Bye.

62. You know what today is?

63. The two-week anniversary of my horrible first impression.

64. - There's a card for that? - Not specifically,

65. but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship,

66. you'll agree with this transformer here

67. that it's time for ours to become a man.

68. By reading from the Torah.

69. You're harmless to me cause a life full of ups and downs

70. has given me douche-ray vision, but those are good people in there,

71. and they trust and respect you. Watching you exploit them bums me out.

72. - Exploit them? They're my friends. - You want me to bring your car around?

73. I don't want you to bring my car around.

74. I'll bring yours around, good guy. You get going, all right.

75. You're cute,

76. but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near delusion.

77. She said I was cute.

78. Tell you what, you take her. I have less to prove.

79. You can't pursue people so desperately.

80. It starts to creep them out.

81. Why don't we go get a beer? I'll give you some advice,

82. and we can have what the kids calls a sausage fest.

83. I'm not much of a sausage guy. Maybe next time.

84. Next time, then.

85. - Will you tell us more about Guatemala? - I never went to a real college.

86. You should discover that stuff on your own.

87. But we need your help.

88. We've been living on the wrong side of the looking glass.

89. You're like Jodie Foster or Susan Sarandon.

90. - You'd keep it real than be likeable. - Can you tell us what to google?

91. You could start with this journalist Chacata-Panecos.

92. He wrote an article critical of the government, and they killed him.

93. - That's horrible. - Can we have a protest?

94. - I want to protest something. - We could have a candlelight vigil

95. - like lesbians have on the news. - I could make brownies.

96. Brownies?

97. Every once in a while, a student come up to me and ask,

98. "Señor Chang, why do you teach Spanish?"

99. They say it just like that.

100. "Why do you teach

101. Spanish?"

102. "Why you?"

103. Why not math?

104. Why not photography?

105. Why not martial arts?

106. I mean, surely it must be in my nature

107. to instruct you in something

108. that's ancient and secret

109. like building a wall that you can see from outer space.

110. I'll tell you why I teach Spanish.

111. It is none of your business, okay?

112. Now, I don't want to have any conversations

113. about what a mysterious and inscrutable man I am.

114. I am a Spanish genius!

115. In español, my nickname is

116. "El tigre chino"!

117. 'Cause my knowledge will bite her face off!

118. So don't question señor Chang or you'll get bit.

119. Ya bit.

120. Ya bit!

121. Friday mañana, we'll have conversations with the rest of the class

122. using some of the phrases we learned in unit one.

123. You'll be partnering up in pairs of dos.

124. If you look under your desk,

125. you'll find a card with either a picture or a word on it.

126. For ejemplo, blondie aqui

127. has a card with a picture of a house on it.

128. So that means the person with the card with the word casa on it is her partner.

129. Comprende, Star-burns?

130. See you Friday. Find your partners. Have a great day.

131. What do we say at the end of every class?

132. Come on, hands... 90% of Spanish.

133. You want to trade cards?

134. I'll give you 20 bucks.

135. - 50 bucks. - I don't want your money. Your shirt.

136. - What? - I've had my eye on it sincefirst day.

137. - Fine. Give me your card. - I want to wear it out of here.

138. What are the odds?

139. Are you sure you didn't adjust the odds?

140. I know Abed's been eyeing that shirt for three weeks.

141. It's almost like you gave it to him so he would switch cards.

142. I gave Abed my shirt because I'm not selfish,

143. which is something you'll discover while we are working on this.

144. Tomorrow night? Dinner, drinks.

145. I think that's something we should discuss with our partners.

146. See, I did switch cards.

147. Can you believe this? What are the odds?

148. That's a nice shirt. Want to sell it?

149. What's the moist towelette industry like?

150. Believe me, it's nothing like the product.

151. It's a hard, dry, large business.

152. Destroyed all my marriages.

153. It didn't help I can't have children. I'm not sterile.

154. In fact, it's a rare condition they call "hyper-virility".

155. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets.

156. - Can you believe that? - I can't.

157. But you can, so that's fine.

158. The assignment is

159. to write a Spanish conversation using those five phrases.

160. Hemingway's lemonade.

161. - No need to make it a long evening... - Am I a piece of garbage to you?

162. What?

163. Got ya.

164. Let's have one drink before we work.

165. To the "empowerage" of words.

166. To the irony of that sentence.

167. So what's up with you, Jeffrey? Seems like you got a burr up your ass.

168. I guess that it's...

169. - It's Britta. - Forget her.

170. You just have to know her name. What is she, a water filter?

171. She's ugly.

172. - Why don't we start with me saying... - What are you doing?

173. Our assignment.

174. This is the first time people'll see Winger and Hawthorne together.

175. We show them we're a force to be reckoned with.

176. Come on, let's brainstorm some story ideas.

177. Better yet, before we do that, let's ask ourselves...

178. - What is a story? - My God in heaven.

179. Like that brownie, you'll hate what's up on in Guatemala.

180. Google it.

181. Raise the truth.

182. Once it gets dark,

183. I hand out the candles and we do a speechless protest.

184. We put tape over our mouths,

185. and gather hand-in-hand in a sea of outraged silence.

186. - What with you? - This ain't how you do this.

187. We know it's not how you do it cause we're doing everything.

188. But this is tacky and lame.

189. I didn't mean that.

190. I'm sorry.

191. What I meant to say

192. is that this cause is really personal to me.

193. Are you saying that we're not allowed to protest?

194. - You sound like Guatemala. - Somebody has a case of

195. "likes to use French politics to make themselves special,

196. "but doesn't actually ever want to do anything-itis."

197. I do things.

198. I went to...

199. I don't do anything.

200. What can I do?

201. You hang the Chacata-Panecos piñata.

202. You guys realize he was beaten to death, right?

203. That's where we got the idea from.

204. Poignant.

205. - Tell me what I've got so far. - What we have so far?

206. We have something incredibly long,

207. and very confusing, and a little homophobic.

208. And really, really, specifically,

209. surprisingly, and gratuitously critical of Israel.

210. It's called "two conquistadors", should probably be "dos".

211. I mean, it is a Spanish class.

212. Which reminds me, the only thing not included in this

213. are the five phrases required to get me a passing grade.

214. You're right. Needs more work.

215. - What're you guys doing? - I have no idea.

216. - We head to the demonstration. - Hippies?

217. - Some cause Britta's into. - A silent protest. Lots of candles.

218. Gets the ladies in the mood for social change.

219. - A chance to put miles on this shirt. - Conversations are due in the morning.

220. Right.

221. What do you want to do?

222. Hacks.

223. What do we do about the ending of act two?

224. I tell you what we're gonna do.

225. We gonna take this, and we gonna put it in a museum for crazy people.

226. Then we're gonna take this,

227. and memorize five phrases from it tomorrow morning before class.

228. - Good night. - Wait a minute.

229. You're bailing on our first sausage fest?

230. This is your definition of friendship?

231. This is my definition of you trying way too hard,

232. and me finding it harder and harder to stay polite.

233. Now this was a fine enough way to spend an evening devoid of hope,

234. but a woman I kind of like

235. is out there caring about something stupid,

236. and this is my chance to show her I care enough to act like I care too.

237. - That's all you had to say. - That was it?

238. That would've been great if I had done that two hours ago!

239. Nice sign.

240. I like what you've done with the place.

241. I think I was a little too harsh on you.

242. I'm not perfect.

243. I am. I'd be happy to show you the ropes.

244. Awesome!

245. Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger.

246. Too awesome for old Pierce

247. with your hip shirts,

248. and your gelled hair,

249. and your cool

250. tape over your mouth.

251. Why are you wearing tape over their mouth?

252. It's a protest.

253. Good.

254. Cause I know what I'd like to protest...

255. How much you hurt me.

256. Conflicts like these will ultimately bring us together as an unlikely family.

257. - You have horrible breath right now. - You constantly blow me off,

258. you want me to do your homework,

259. you tell me I'm trying too hard to be your friend so you have to go.

260. You have to come out here to pretend

261. to care about the stupid stuff she cares about.

262. - His words, not mine. - He is paraphrasing.

263. Pierce, I got an idea.

264. Get a coffee,

265. hold some waitress hostage with a monologue about your sperm.

266. I'll show you some sperm, buddy.

267. Was this your idea? What the hell? Fire.

268. I'm not ready to die.

269. He's jumped in the fountain.

270. He's fine.

271. - Have you seen it? - We did it, girl... Page three.

272. Mostly about Pierce, but listen to last paragraph.

273. "The incident occurred during a protest regarding events in Guatemala."

274. - Awareness! - It's not the school paper.

275. It's a real paper, there's a marmaduke in there.

276. It's more than I ever accomplished.

277. You know about the ethnic cleansing in Burma?

278. Need to bust out brownie mix.

279. Morning.

280. I get it. Garfield's wishing me a happy Arbor Day,

281. - you'd like a fresh start. - Nice try.

282. It's secretary's day, and it says I'm sorry about crashing your protest

283. with that drunken, self-immolating baby boomer.

284. We don't blame you. He has always been on my watch list.

285. That dude is crazy... He told me girls have two pee holes.

286. I sang Christmas carols at a nursing home once.

287. I've seen the face of dementia, and last night I saw it again.

288. You know what he did that's really crazy?

289. He offered me $100 to switch cards with him

290. just so he could be partners with Jeff.

291. He thought getting closer to Jeff would bring him respect in the group.

292. I think he spent his whole life looking out for himself

293. and he would trade it all for a shot at some kind of family.

294. Time for our presentations.

295. First up was supposed to be Jeff and Pierce,

296. but Pierce explained the situation.

297. Apparently there was a falling out, things were said, people were betrayed.

298. Jeff, having heard Pierce's side of the story,

299. the only humane thing to do would be to give you a C

300. and let him do his presentation alone, if that sounds fair to you.

301. That doesn't sound fair to me at all.

302. I understand if you don't want to be my friend,

303. but this thing we've created...

304. It is bigger than the both of us,

305. and it deserves to be done right.

306. All right.

307. Why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations,

308. - they're not supposed to take... - Your breath away?

309. Well, tough.

310. You ready, amigo?

311. F.

312. F-minus.

313. What?

314. Did you say S?

315. So.

316. That was one of the worst things I have ever seen,

317. which I guess makes being a part of it a pretty selfless act,

318. so I'm impressed.

319. How do you know I didn't do it just to get another shot at you?

320. Cause a smart guy like you would know

321. no woman would be able to look at you as a sexually viable candidate

322. ever again.

323. No, I know.

324. I thought of that.

325. She looked back.

326. You did an all right job up there, my friend.

327. You got this thing you do with your face when you're trying to be funny

328. that forces people to think about how cool you think you are.

329. It's 2009.

330. Word.