1. I came here, I think,
to make an arrest.Copy !req
2. I'll kill him!Copy !req
3. You didn't even have a motive.Copy !req
4. I stand to inherit
half of his estate.Copy !req
5. There's something about your
uncle's death that's very disturbing.Copy !req
6. What am I, some kind of suspect?Copy !req
7. Well, you could've had him killed.Copy !req
8. Does that put me on your list?Copy !req
9. Do you think that
your brother is guilty?Copy !req
10. Norman could have shoved Lisa
right off the balcony.Copy !req
11. We were supposed to come down
two years ago,Copy !req
12. but my wife switched sides...Copy !req
13. and voted with my in-laws,
we ended up in Animal Land.Copy !req
14. You're a bum!Copy !req
15. Would you mind too much
coming with me to the bathroom?Copy !req
16. Good hit.Copy !req
17. Good touch.Copy !req
18. Ah, finally.Copy !req
19. Showing your years, Mike.
Showing your years.Copy !req
20. Not so.
You just refuse to show yours.Copy !req
21. Touché.Copy !req
22. Take care of the body, Mike,
and the body takes care of you.Copy !req
23. Oh, yes.
I know, I know, I know.Copy !req
24. Protein, Mike, protein.Copy !req
25. Better than those doubles
you had before lunch. En garde.Copy !req
26. Touché. Good hit.Copy !req
27. Good hit. A pleasure always.Copy !req
28. Ah, Mike, you're too much
for me today.Copy !req
29. Hi there, bridegroom. Bridegroom.Copy !req
30. Dexter. How are you?Copy !req
31. How about that old guy, huh?
Is he wild? Is he wild?Copy !req
32. Hello, Dexter.Copy !req
33. Glad you stopped by, Dexter.Copy !req
34. Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss
shaking hands with an old goat...Copy !req
35. like you who's good enough to snare
a beautiful chick like...Copy !req
36. What's her name?Copy !req
37. Hey, where's the honeymoon
gonna be?Copy !req
38. Dexter, your uncle
is getting married tomorrow.Copy !req
39. It's not the same as
going out for a night on the town.Copy !req
40. Oh, relax, Michael.
Don't argue semantics.Copy !req
41. My nephew stopped by
to wish me well.Copy !req
42. I rather hoped you might bring
your brother Norman with you.Copy !req
43. Well... if Norman were to come...Copy !req
44. which I hope he does, by the way
it certainly would not be with me.Copy !req
45. Still? You're two grown men,
Dexter, for heaven's sake.Copy !req
46. Mr. Hatheway,
you're a very nice man...Copy !req
47. and you happen to be
an excellent attorney.Copy !req
48. But the day you can make a merger
between me and my beanbag brother,Copy !req
49. that is the day they'll appoint you
to the Supreme Court.Copy !req
50. Uncle, good luck to you,
you old roué.Copy !req
51. Thank you, Dexter.Copy !req
52. When you come back from
your honeymoon, I want a nice,Copy !req
53. home-cooked blowout.Copy !req
54. Don't let Mrs. Peck
hear you say that.Copy !req
55. Hey, wow, I got stuff in the oven.Copy !req
56. I'm baking some stuff for her to
take over to her sister's house.Copy !req
57. Don't let him wear you out,
Mr. Hatheway.Copy !req
58. He already has, Dexter. Already has.Copy !req
59. Take care, Uncle.Copy !req
60. Glad you stopped by, boy.
Take care.Copy !req
61. Well, Michael, let's get at it.Copy !req
62. I know what I'd like to get at.
A nice, cold martini.Copy !req
63. Yes, I know, Michael. En garde!Copy !req
64. Ah, look at them. Look at them.Copy !req
65. Beautiful. Les Tartes Strawberry
à la Dexter Paris.Copy !req
66. Exactly as prepared on
my little Thursday cooking show...Copy !req
67. for all my hypoglycemic housewives.Copy !req
68. You know what your uncle would say
if he could see that display.Copy !req
69. He'd give you a big nutritional zero
and throw them in the garbage can,Copy !req
70. right along
with that TV show of yours.Copy !req
71. No, he wouldn't.
You know why, you gorgeous thing?Copy !req
72. Because in about an hour,Copy !req
73. you're going to sneak down
to your car and...Copy !req
74. take them to your sister's house,Copy !req
75. and you and she will pull down
the shades, lock the doors...Copy !req
76. and devour each and every one
of those little things, right?Copy !req
77. - Well, Betsy has a sweet tooth.
- Oh, Betsy does, huh?Copy !req
78. Look at this mess.
Will you get out of here,Copy !req
79. and I'll clean this up
so the cook won't quit.Copy !req
80. Come on. Cheer up, will ya?Copy !req
81. Don't you realize my uncle's
girlfriend's gonna...Copy !req
82. pick him up tonight,Copy !req
83. whisk him away to some teenage
health resort and marital bliss...Copy !req
84. and return and take all these dismal
kitchen chores right away from you?Copy !req
85. Well, I think it's disgusting.
That's what I think.Copy !req
86. She's young enough
to be his granddaughter. That snip.Copy !req
87. And if she thinks she can take
better care of that man than...Copy !req
88. I've been taking for 30...Copy !req
89. Come on, you feisty creature you.Copy !req
90. Don't you know no one
can do without you around here?Copy !req
91. Oh, you're soft-soaping me.Copy !req
92. I am not.Copy !req
93. Oh, here now.
I'll thank you to dribble those...Copy !req
94. crumbs on somebody else's floor.Copy !req
95. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.Copy !req
96. You old phony grumpy.
Have a nice vacation, eh?Copy !req
97. Mmm. Great.Copy !req
98. Go.Copy !req
99. I'll call you as soon as
we get back, Michael.Copy !req
100. All right, and I wanna go over
those oil lease agreements.Copy !req
101. Oh, good.Copy !req
102. Well, my very best to your bride,
Clifford.Copy !req
103. Thank you, Michael.Copy !req
104. I guess now we'll really find out
what kind of shape you're in.Copy !req
105. Good-bye, Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
106. Good-bye, Mr. Hatheway.Copy !req
107. I thought you were going to
your sister's, Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
108. Well, I... I thought I should stay
around in case you needed something.Copy !req
109. After all, I'm the only one
who knows where everything is.Copy !req
110. Although, I suppose your young
bride-to-be won't need me.Copy !req
111. Now, Mrs. Peck, you have been
the mistress of this house...Copy !req
112. and you always shall be.Copy !req
113. Lisa wouldn't have it any other way.
So you lock up and go on.Copy !req
114. She claims it's just a head cold.
I hope to heaven that's all it is.Copy !req
115. What if it's not? Dr. Werbel,
supposing it's something I...Copy !req
116. Supposing it's something serious.Copy !req
117. Supposing it is.Copy !req
118. You're not just a fullback anymore,Copy !req
119. playing for glory
on some football field.Copy !req
120. You're also a doctor now, Rocky,Copy !req
121. and if you're not cold and hard
and tough enough...Copy !req
122. to justify the faith and confidence
of your patients,Copy !req
123. you can hand me your stethoscope,
Rocky,Copy !req
124. right now.Copy !req
125. Hello again, Uncle.Copy !req
126. Well, Dexter, what a surprise.Copy !req
127. Not as surprised as I was...Copy !req
128. when I realized
I'd forgotten your wedding present.Copy !req
129. Here it is,
just an ordinary electric mixer.Copy !req
130. Well, my... my goodness.Copy !req
131. A plain, everyday...Copy !req
132. kitchen utensil.Copy !req
133. Blend, mix, whip.Copy !req
134. But it's more than that.
Much more than that, Uncle.Copy !req
135. Well, I... I'm not very fond of
appliances, but thank you.Copy !req
136. You're welcome.Copy !req
137. Uncle, you're gonna get
a real charge out of this.Copy !req
138. Well, what?Copy !req
139. Oh, please. Don't go off.Copy !req
140. Well, what in heaven's name?Copy !req
141. Sinofron is dangerous.
I won't agree.Copy !req
142. Dr. Werbel, you've had 30 years
as a general practitioner.Copy !req
143. I'm new. I'm green.Copy !req
144. You're purple.Copy !req
145. Tell me, what can I do?Copy !req
146. What can any of us ever do,
Roger?Copy !req
147. Oh, we can, I suppose,Copy !req
148. be grateful for little Maryanne's
coming to us with a head cold.Copy !req
149. If she hadn't,
we might never have known...Copy !req
150. she was a terminal case
until it was all over.Copy !req
151. Please wait.
I'll just be a minute or two.Copy !req
152. Oh.Copy !req
153. Mrs. Peck, how nice to see you.
Is Mr. Paris ready?Copy !req
154. I'll tell him you're here.Copy !req
155. Good.Copy !req
156. Oh, never mind.
I'll just scoot on up.Copy !req
157. Please. I do think you'd better
let me fetch him.Copy !req
158. He may not be quite dressed.Copy !req
159. Why, Mrs. Peck, you're talking like
we were a couple of children.Copy !req
160. Clifford. Clifford.Copy !req
161. I got a taxi waiting.Copy !req
162. Clifford.Copy !req
163. Are you decent?Copy !req
164. Well, ready or not...Copy !req
165. Oh.Copy !req
166. He's not upstairs at all.
I even checked his bathroom.Copy !req
167. Could be in
the new gym, I suppose.Copy !req
168. I bet it's that electric bicycle
I got for him.Copy !req
169. Oh, isn't he absolutely adorable.Copy !req
170. I'll bet he's down there
right now just rowing away.Copy !req
171. Oh, there you are, you silly.
Now, why aren't you...Copy !req
172. Clifford. Clifford, would...Copy !req
173. Clifford.Copy !req
174. Clifford!Copy !req
175. Hey, Lieutenant. How are you?Copy !req
176. Well...Copy !req
177. Believe me,
I know just how you feel.Copy !req
178. Dobrinsky, I don't even
know how I feel.Copy !req
179. Give me a handkerchief. Lieutenant,
you... you got a handkerchief?Copy !req
180. Open the door, Dobrinsky, will ya?Copy !req
181. You got one?Copy !req
182. Who is she?Copy !req
183. Victim's, uh, fiancée.
Supposed to be their wedding night.Copy !req
184. Oh. Isn't that awful.Copy !req
185. Yeah.Copy !req
186. What'd he die of?Copy !req
187. Coronary.Copy !req
188. What are we doing here?Copy !req
189. Well, she called us hysterical.Copy !req
190. Said something about everybody's
after the old fellow's money,Copy !req
191. and that, uh, he was too healthy
to die like that, so...Copy !req
192. Mmm. What'd you say?
Old fellow?Copy !req
193. Yeah.Copy !req
194. Boy, old fellow
has a lovely fiancée.Copy !req
195. Oh, yes. Old fellow have
nice, young fiancée.Copy !req
196. Old fellow
drop dead of a heart attack.Copy !req
197. You have my handkerchief?Copy !req
198. No, she's got it.Copy !req
199. Well, anyway. Come on. We have to
go through the motions, huh?Copy !req
200. What'd she do? She kept it?Copy !req
201. I don't know.Copy !req
202. - His chest was about here.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
203. - Left leg rotating.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
204. - Both arms hanging down.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
205. - That's about it.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
206. Then, um, when Mr. Hatheway...Copy !req
207. came up from the gym with him,
he went upstairs.Copy !req
208. I... I thought
he was going to change...Copy !req
209. to get ready for...Copy !req
210. Do you have any idea at all
what time that that would be?Copy !req
211. You... You must belong
in some pigsty.Copy !req
212. Do you do that in your own home?
Do you?Copy !req
213. I'm sorry, ma'am.
Forgive me. I'm awfully sorry.Copy !req
214. I didn't realize that
I was doing that.Copy !req
215. This is Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
216. Dropping ashes
from a stinking cigar.Copy !req
217. Let me see if I can clean that up
for you.Copy !req
218. Stop that!Copy !req
219. You're rubbing it in!Copy !req
220. Oh, forgive me, ma'am.
I didn't realize.Copy !req
221. You know, sometimes it's a habit.Copy !req
222. - Let me see if I can clean that up.
- This house...Copy !req
223. What I'll do is I'll get this spray
and I'll...Copy !req
224. You broke Mr. Paris's pitcher.Copy !req
225. Get him out of here!
Get him out!Copy !req
226. Come over here for a minute.
Will you please?Copy !req
227. Get him out!Copy !req
228. And I just took off. I waved good-bye
to Mrs. Peck and drove away.Copy !req
229. I mean, he was as healthy
as a horse when I saw him.Copy !req
230. He was in the gym.
He was fencing. It's...Copy !req
231. It's inconceivable.
I can't believe it.Copy !req
232. Hello.Copy !req
233. Well, thank you very much,
Mr. Paris.Copy !req
234. Thank you.Copy !req
235. Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
236. May I come in?Copy !req
237. I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
Who might you be?Copy !req
238. How do you do? Dexter Paris.
Mr. Paris's nephew.Copy !req
239. I hope it's okay I'm here.
Mrs. Peck phoned me and I came over.Copy !req
240. Oh, listen, I'm glad you came.
I mean, uh,Copy !req
241. well, things like this, they can be
awfully rough on everybody.Copy !req
242. Officer, I'm afraid
I have to apologize for my conduct.Copy !req
243. I was very overbearing.Copy !req
244. Ma'am, please, accept my apologies.Copy !req
245. What happened was this.
I came here with a cigar,Copy !req
246. and I didn't realize it, and, uh...Copy !req
247. Anyway, I, uh...Copy !req
248. I dropped some ashes on the floor
down in the gym, and, uh,Copy !req
249. it was very clean down there,
very clean.Copy !req
250. In fact, the whole house is
spotless. Upstairs and down...Copy !req
251. You said upstairs.Copy !req
252. Uh, I... Well, now, ma'am,Copy !req
253. I am the police officer
and I deemed it reasonable...Copy !req
254. That's one of Mr. Paris's towels
that you have.Copy !req
255. Yes. Yes, it is.Copy !req
256. I'm gonna be flat out with you,
ma'am.Copy !req
257. I was upstairs looking around.Copy !req
258. I wanted to throw some water
on my face...Copy !req
259. you know, just sort of clear
my head, you know? And, uh...Copy !req
260. I used Mr. Paris's bathroom
for a minute. I was very careful.Copy !req
261. That's very brave of you
to admit, Lieutenant.Copy !req
262. What were you planning to do,Copy !req
263. dry your face
on the way down the stairs?Copy !req
264. Was that your plan?Copy !req
265. No, no. I used that very nice
hand towel up there.Copy !req
266. I hope you don't mind.Copy !req
267. But this towel was in the hamper
and damp. See? Feel.Copy !req
268. Oh, I believe you.Copy !req
269. Uh, Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
270. I would like to tell you something.
This house is always immaculate.Copy !req
271. At 4:00 p.m. today,Copy !req
272. every towel in Mr. Paris's bathroom
was clean and dry and in its place.Copy !req
273. I checked personally. I do not allow
damp towels to remain in the hamper.Copy !req
274. And that I believe, ma'am.
I certainly do believe that. But, um,Copy !req
275. this towel was in the hamper.Copy !req
276. I swear. And damp. Very damp.Copy !req
277. And I was just wondering...Copy !req
278. Wait a minute. What difference
does it make if it was in the hamper?Copy !req
279. - I don't understand...
- Excuse me. Uh,Copy !req
280. Lieutenant,
could I see you for a minute?Copy !req
281. What did you want, Murray?Copy !req
282. Well, now, what do I...
what do I tell the coroner?Copy !req
283. I think you better tell him
an autopsy.Copy !req
284. - An autopsy?
- Shh. Please.Copy !req
285. I don't wanna upset her
any more than she is. Please.Copy !req
286. She's a very emotional person.Copy !req
287. What do you mean autopsy?Copy !req
288. Now, did my uncle die on
his exercising machine...Copy !req
289. of a heart attack or didn't he?Copy !req
290. I mean,
what's this autopsy business?Copy !req
291. Well, that's what
Lt. Columbo has to decide right now.Copy !req
292. Like hell he does. I am the next of kin,
my brother and I.Copy !req
293. I am not signing any authorization
for an autopsy, nor will my brother.Copy !req
294. It's still up to the lieutenant
here, you understand?Copy !req
295. - Why is it up to him?
- Homicide.Copy !req
296. Look, now, I'm sure there's nothing there.
Nothing at all. I think autopsy, Murray.Copy !req
297. It is really just routine,
Mr. Paris.Copy !req
298. You got it.
Good night, Mr. Paris.Copy !req
299. Look, uh, Murray, before you go,Copy !req
300. I don't wanna have to trouble
Mrs. Peck anymore.Copy !req
301. What did she say about
the burglar alarm system?Copy !req
302. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
303. I noticed the switch
on the way down from upstairs.Copy !req
304. Yeah. I asked her about that.Copy !req
305. Burglar alarm was set for about
7:30 p.m., somewhere around there.Copy !req
306. That's the same routine they
followed since it was installed.Copy !req
307. That was, like, 14 years ago.Copy !req
308. Okay. Before you go, have somebody
check the burglar alarm system...Copy !req
309. and check out all the windows.Copy !req
310. Let 'em keep an eye out
for footprints.Copy !req
311. - Okay.
- Thank you, Murray.Copy !req
312. Lieutenant, just what is this about?
Why this sudden investigation?Copy !req
313. Look, Mr. Paris,
it would be a big help...Copy !req
314. if you and I could go to the gym.Copy !req
315. Uh, that way, you could, you know,
show me around without...Copy !req
316. Mrs. Peck getting upset again,
you know what I mean?Copy !req
317. Boy, oh, boy. Your uncle
must have been in terrific shape.Copy !req
318. Fifty pounds.Copy !req
319. Lieutenant,
would you mind telling me...Copy !req
320. why you think
an autopsy is necessary?Copy !req
321. Well, there are a couple of things
that bother me.Copy !req
322. I wonder why he came down here
for a workout right...Copy !req
323. when he was supposed to leave to
get married? Does that seem odd?Copy !req
324. No, the man had an insatiable
appetite for life, for exercise.Copy !req
325. What can I tell you?Copy !req
326. But he just got done fencing
with his attorney.Copy !req
327. I mean, a whole bunch of fencing,
then right away...Copy !req
328. down here without stop
for another session with all this?Copy !req
329. Boy, oh, boy, that is robust.Copy !req
330. Indeed, but
the man was a health nut.Copy !req
331. I mean, this very place was
a storeroom three months ago.Copy !req
332. He had it converted
for himself and his bride-to-be.Copy !req
333. Yeah, I saw her.
She's extremely healthy too.Copy !req
334. Oh, yes.Copy !req
335. That machine new?Copy !req
336. Reasonably so. Why?Copy !req
337. Just curious. Could we go up
to your uncle's bathroom?Copy !req
338. Lieutenant, will you mind
telling me what's bothering you?Copy !req
339. Mr. Paris, frankly, sir,Copy !req
340. there's something about your
uncle's death that's very disturbing.Copy !req
341. You mean, something...
something about the heart attack?Copy !req
342. That's what's bothering me, sir.Copy !req
343. I'm not completely sure
it was a heart attack at all.Copy !req
344. That's what the autopsy's for.Copy !req
345. Well, if not a heart attack, what?Copy !req
346. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
347. Why not a heart attack?Copy !req
348. Could we go up to your
uncle's bathroom? I'll show you.Copy !req
349. Yeah.Copy !req
350. Do you see what
I'm getting at, Mr. Paris?Copy !req
351. A damp towel in the hamper,Copy !req
352. and a damp piece of soap
in the soap dish.Copy !req
353. Brilliant.Copy !req
354. Brilliant. I mean, you've deduced
my uncle took a bath.Copy !req
355. Every civilized person I know takes
a bath after strenuous exercise.Copy !req
356. Now, don't you?Copy !req
357. Always.Copy !req
358. The doors and windows
are okay, Lieutenant.Copy !req
359. I mean, there's no sign
of any kind of jimmy work.Copy !req
360. But there was a footprint
outside Mrs. Peck's window.Copy !req
361. I didn't see or hear anything.
I was watching TV.Copy !req
362. Mrs. Peck,
are you absolutely sure...Copy !req
363. that you turned on
the burglar alarm system tonight?Copy !req
364. I mean, are you sure that...Copy !req
365. no one came into the house
until you let Miss Chambers in?Copy !req
366. Right. You are sure. That's
very good. Thank you very much.Copy !req
367. Now, Lieutenant, that footprint.Copy !req
368. Whoever it was, was not wearing shoes,
and it looks like he has flat feet.Copy !req
369. Okay?Copy !req
370. Lieutenant, I know you're trying to
drum up a homicide case feverishly,Copy !req
371. but certainly, you...Copy !req
372. you can't believe that Mrs. Peck
could do anything like that?Copy !req
373. No, no, no.
I was never considering Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
374. But she was the only one
in the house.Copy !req
375. Hmm, that's the way it looks.Copy !req
376. Unless there's something
in that footprint.Copy !req
377. I thought flat feet were peculiar
to your business, Lieutenant.Copy !req
378. You know, that's not true.Copy !req
379. In fact, I have never met a cop
with flat feet.Copy !req
380. You take my feet.
I have terrific arches.Copy !req
381. My doctor tells me
I have an exceptional arch.Copy !req
382. He says 30 years in the business,
he's never seen an arch like my arch.Copy !req
383. I believe you.Copy !req
384. No, really. Take off your shoe,
compare your arch with my arch.Copy !req
385. You'll see what I mean.Copy !req
386. Really, take off your shoe.
Compare your arch to this arch.Copy !req
387. You see,
now that's not a cop's arch.Copy !req
388. - Lieutenant.
- Let's compare arches.Copy !req
389. May I make it easy for you?Copy !req
390. Yes, sir.Copy !req
391. I'm sure you've surmised that
my brother and I stand to...Copy !req
392. inherit my uncle's estate,
which is about $3 million, right?Copy !req
393. Yes, sir, I gathered that.Copy !req
394. I also have flat feet.Copy !req
395. No kidding?Copy !req
396. You really are... You really are...Copy !req
397. He's really trying to make this
seem like there's foul play.Copy !req
398. It's incre... Incredible.Copy !req
399. Well, you have to admit
there's something peculiar.Copy !req
400. Why would somebody
do a lot of fencing,Copy !req
401. come in here and take a bath,Copy !req
402. and then right away
run down to the gym...Copy !req
403. and do another exercise session?Copy !req
404. I don't understand that.
Do you understand that?Copy !req
405. Norman.Copy !req
406. Lieutenant, this is
my loving brother, Norman.Copy !req
407. Mrs. Peck informs me
you're considering an autopsy?Copy !req
408. Norman, Lt. Columbo
is a full-fledged sleuth.Copy !req
409. Homicide. He suspects foul play.Copy !req
410. From you?Copy !req
411. At the risk of being officious,
Lieutenant, uh,Copy !req
412. I think an autopsy might be
a very-very good idea indeed.Copy !req
413. You know, uh, Lieutenant, we are
very identical twins, Norman and I.Copy !req
414. He, too, has flat feet.Copy !req
415. 530, 540, 550,Copy !req
416. 550... $554,000.Copy !req
417. 554,000 cash. Would you please
sign this, Mr. Paris?Copy !req
418. Certainly.Copy !req
419. You all right, Lieutenant?Copy !req
420. Oh, yes, sir, I'm fine.
It's just that...Copy !req
421. I haven't been around
so much money in my whole life.Copy !req
422. You get used to it.Copy !req
423. You do?Copy !req
424. So, it wasn't ordinary heart failure
after all, hmm?Copy !req
425. Uh, no, sir. No, it wasn't. No,
they call it, uh,Copy !req
426. ventricular fibril...Copy !req
427. Fibrillation.Copy !req
428. I know that word
and I can never pronounce it.Copy !req
429. Anyway, severe heart seizure.
That's what it is.Copy !req
430. You know, a strong blow. Some
kind of shock. Things like that.Copy !req
431. George,
you have some paperwork to do?Copy !req
432. Oh, yes, sir. Excuse me.Copy !req
433. Some kind of shock, you say?
Psychological or physical?Copy !req
434. Uh, well, it could be
either one in a man his age.Copy !req
435. Yes, but what about tension
or garden-variety overexertion?Copy !req
436. I mean, in a man his age.Copy !req
437. Uh, well, yes, uh, yes.Copy !req
438. I gotta tell you,
I'd be a nervous wreck...Copy !req
439. if I had to work around
all this money.Copy !req
440. I mean, the responsibility.Copy !req
441. What you mean is you're measuring
my traits and...Copy !req
442. responses against
those of my brother. Not so?Copy !req
443. Why would I do that?Copy !req
444. Why not?Copy !req
445. Because you're sniffing around
for a suspect to a possible homicide.Copy !req
446. Again not so?Copy !req
447. You are a very logical man.
Boy, are you logical.Copy !req
448. Yes, but let me tell you
what I am not.Copy !req
449. I'm neither flighty
nor a dilettante,Copy !req
450. neither unreliable
nor a low-life sponger...Copy !req
451. who chases women and dreams of
inheriting other people's wealth.Copy !req
452. Now that, I trust,
will end any comparison...Copy !req
453. between my brother and myself...Copy !req
454. and any conjecture as to
who the logical suspect might be.Copy !req
455. - Good day.
- Mr. Paris.Copy !req
456. There's one other thing
I wanted to talk to you about.Copy !req
457. It's rather personal.Copy !req
458. Yes, I know. Because my uncle died
before his marriage,Copy !req
459. I stand to inherit
half of his estate.Copy !req
460. But, as to that being
any sort of motive,Copy !req
461. let me point out that
I am wealthy in my own right,Copy !req
462. with neither wife nor
darling kiddies to encumber me.Copy !req
463. And if, in fact, I were possessed
of a criminal mind,Copy !req
464. I would find it much,
much simpler to embezzle...Copy !req
465. than to kill my uncle for it,Copy !req
466. which is more than
I can say for my brother.Copy !req
467. Now, if you'll excuse me, uh,Copy !req
468. I have exactly 47 minutes
to catch a plane to San Francisco.Copy !req
469. Good day.Copy !req
470. Boy, that's wonderful.
How do you hold it so long?Copy !req
471. Don't your ears ring
or anything like that,Copy !req
472. all that blood rushing to your head?Copy !req
473. That's what it's for.Copy !req
474. Feeds the brain.Copy !req
475. I consider it essential
to feed the brain twice a day.Copy !req
476. I hope you don't mind waiting.Copy !req
477. No, not at all.
No, I enjoy watching.Copy !req
478. Well, why don't you come out here
and I can hear you a little better.Copy !req
479. Oh, fine.Copy !req
480. Mind if I ask you
a few questions now?Copy !req
481. No.Copy !req
482. Ma'am, I know that you gave us
a full report on...Copy !req
483. what happened the night of
Mr. Paris's death,Copy !req
484. but I did have a couple of
short little questions... very short.Copy !req
485. I suppose you did know
Mr. Paris's two nephews?Copy !req
486. Oh, Dexter I knew.
The other one I think is a banker.Copy !req
487. They're not exactly on speaking terms.Copy !req
488. I was looking forward to meeting...Copy !req
489. Well, after the honeymoon...Copy !req
490. Ma'am, I'm very sorry to have to
bring any of this up.Copy !req
491. I know it must be
a very painful time for you.Copy !req
492. No, no. Actually,Copy !req
493. it's a challenging time for me.Copy !req
494. It's a time when you want to
draw from that...Copy !req
495. that interspacial life force,Copy !req
496. and, well, I think Clifford
understood it better than I.Copy !req
497. He also understood our bodies. Oh.
He loved our bodies.Copy !req
498. I guess people snickered
at us a little.Copy !req
499. You know,
spring in the lap of December.Copy !req
500. But you know something,
Mr. Columbo?Copy !req
501. There's no age barrier in feeling
comfortable with somebody.Copy !req
502. Oh, I'm sure there isn't, ma'am.
Sure there isn't.Copy !req
503. Um, you exercise often, do you?Copy !req
504. Yeah. Well, morning and,
uh, evening.Copy !req
505. Wonderful.Copy !req
506. That's wonderful. Uh, I wanted to
ask you, if you don't mind...Copy !req
507. Thank you.Copy !req
508. Did Mr. Paris get along pretty well
with his nephews?Copy !req
509. Do you know about that?Copy !req
510. Did he prefer one to the other,
something like that?Copy !req
511. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
512. Well, he, uh...Copy !req
513. He wanted them to...Copy !req
514. What did he want 'em to do?Copy !req
515. I guess he just wanted them to love
and understand each other.Copy !req
516. That's all.Copy !req
517. Well, I don't know
what kind of answers...Copy !req
518. I'm supposed to give
to this investigation.Copy !req
519. What am I, some kind of suspect?Copy !req
520. Oh, no.Copy !req
521. Oh, no, ma'am. Not at all.
Don't worry even thinking about that.Copy !req
522. You make me very uncomfortable.Copy !req
523. Well, I didn't mean to do that,
ma'am. I'm sorry.Copy !req
524. You know, even if Mr. Paris's death
should turn out for certain to be...Copy !req
525. from something other than
natural causes,Copy !req
526. you didn't even have a motive.Copy !req
527. For instance,
if you two were married,Copy !req
528. then you'd stand to inherit
all of his money, for instance.Copy !req
529. You see, that would be a motive.Copy !req
530. If I demanded that you leave this
house right now, would you have to?Copy !req
531. Well, I'm not sure, ma'am.Copy !req
532. Is there something or
some thing that...Copy !req
533. you're afraid that
I might ask you about?Copy !req
534. It's just that I request on my rights
that you please leave this house.Copy !req
535. Certainly, ma'am.Copy !req
536. Apparently, I said something
inadvertently, Miss Chambers.Copy !req
537. I'm sorry I did that because I think
you're a very nice lady.Copy !req
538. And now, my friends,
upward and onward to the simple,Copy !req
539. but incredibly
delectable hollandaise.Copy !req
540. An inexpensive magic
which transforms your lowly,Copy !req
541. mundane vegetables
into a gourmet delight.Copy !req
542. It's really so simple, folks, that
even your husband can prepare it.Copy !req
543. Now, I would like,
as I have in the past,Copy !req
544. to ask somebody from the audience
to volunteer and come up here.Copy !req
545. Hands up.Copy !req
546. Ladies, put your hands down.Copy !req
547. I would like a gentleman
to raise his hand.Copy !req
548. Is there a gentleman in the audience
who would like to volunteer...Copy !req
549. and come up here
to help me demonstrate?Copy !req
550. How about you, sir?Copy !req
551. How about you?Copy !req
552. I see a gentleman
in the audience that,Copy !req
553. uh... Let's follow me around here.Copy !req
554. Keep the camera on me.
Here we are.Copy !req
555. Uh, this gentleman over here.
How about you, sir?Copy !req
556. Come. Really.Copy !req
557. Oh, no.Copy !req
558. Go ahead!Copy !req
559. I think he's shy. Let's help him.Copy !req
560. Come on. Let's hear it.Copy !req
561. We won't take no for an answer.
Here we go.Copy !req
562. Here we go. Yes, sir.Copy !req
563. Come on. Let's hear it, folks.
Come on. Up. Hey.Copy !req
564. Ladies and gentlemen,
I have a confession to make.Copy !req
565. This happens to be
a friend of mine.Copy !req
566. Not a very close friend,
but one who does, in fact,Copy !req
567. qualify, uh, as someone's husband.Copy !req
568. This happens to be Lt. Columbo
of the L.A.P.D.,Copy !req
569. who is your everyday,Copy !req
570. average, typical,
downtrodden American husband.Copy !req
571. Don't you agree?Copy !req
572. Now, Lieutenant,
I would like you to help me.Copy !req
573. Now, this is a Dexter Paris,
number 91, multispeed blender.Copy !req
574. These are other ingredients
you find in most kitchens,Copy !req
575. I'm sure even in yours.Copy !req
576. We have four eggs...Copy !req
577. Relax, Lieutenant.
It's gonna be all right.Copy !req
578. Four eggs.
We have some salt, some pepper,Copy !req
579. some butter and some lemon juice.
Now, uh,Copy !req
580. let me take this off, make you
more comfortable, all right?Copy !req
581. And let's take your coat off too.
The jacket.Copy !req
582. All right, that's enough.Copy !req
583. All right. Now, I have something here
to make you much more comfortable...Copy !req
584. and a little neater, perhaps.Copy !req
585. Lieutenant, you want me
to help you tie that?Copy !req
586. Yes, please.Copy !req
587. Good. Let me, uh, take it
around this way. I think it's...Copy !req
588. All right, Lieutenant.
He's a man with his own mind.Copy !req
589. Uh, I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.Copy !req
590. Now, I'd like you to...Copy !req
591. separate the yolks
from the whites of the eggs...Copy !req
592. and put them in the blender,
all right?Copy !req
593. Now, while you're doing that,Copy !req
594. I'm going to take this
half cup of butter...Copy !req
595. Lieutenant,
I'll take this half cup of butter,Copy !req
596. and I will heat it
in this frying pan.Copy !req
597. Now, uh, you think you can do that?Copy !req
598. I don't know. I'll try.Copy !req
599. All right, then, uh, get cracking.Copy !req
600. Is that my camera?Copy !req
601. You're on television.Copy !req
602. - All right now.
- All right.Copy !req
603. I'll heat this up meantime.Copy !req
604. And you better get cracking,
Lieutenant.Copy !req
605. I'll get cracking, yeah.
All right. All right.Copy !req
606. Uh, no, just the yolks.Copy !req
607. What do you mean, just the yolk?
This goes in here, doesn't it?Copy !req
608. No, no. Wait. No, no.Copy !req
609. You have to separate...
Let me show you what I mean.Copy !req
610. You separate...Copy !req
611. the yolks from the whites,
you see, by doing that.Copy !req
612. Then you just put the yolks
in there like that.Copy !req
613. Oh, I got it. All right.Copy !req
614. There we are.Copy !req
615. That's very good.
That's very good!Copy !req
616. That's amazing. You must do
a little cooking at home, huh?Copy !req
617. Uh...Copy !req
618. "Uh" what?Copy !req
619. You're doing very well though,
I must say.Copy !req
620. Thank you.Copy !req
621. Uh...Copy !req
622. Can't you say anything else,
Lieutenant?Copy !req
623. Uh...Copy !req
624. I think that's great.
You amuse me, Lieutenant.Copy !req
625. Yeah. Uh...Copy !req
626. Oh, please forgive me. That's
very good. For a job well done.Copy !req
627. No! Put it in there.Copy !req
628. Take the bows after.Copy !req
629. - All right.
- All right.Copy !req
630. - Oh, I broke this one.
- It's all right.Copy !req
631. It don't make any difference.
Nobody saw it. Huh?Copy !req
632. - That's fine.
- All right. One more.Copy !req
633. One more.Copy !req
634. And we separate those.
I'm getting sloppy with this thing.Copy !req
635. - That's fine. That's okay.
- There we are.Copy !req
636. - Wi... Wipe your hands off.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
637. All right. Now, what about
a little lemon juice?Copy !req
638. - Put a little lemon juice in there.
- All right.Copy !req
639. I'll put the butter in.
A little more.Copy !req
640. - A little bit more.
- Little bit more.Copy !req
641. Perfect. Okay!Copy !req
642. Butter.
Now a little dash of salt. Salt.Copy !req
643. Gee, I'm getting to enjoy this.Copy !req
644. I know. A little pepper.Copy !req
645. Okay, that's great. Now, why
don't you turn on the blender.Copy !req
646. - Right here?
- Right there.Copy !req
647. There we go.Copy !req
648. Now, while that's blending,
I'll put this in here like this.Copy !req
649. And that's just about right.Copy !req
650. Why don't we just take this off.
Wanna hold that?Copy !req
651. Whoops. I said turn that off.Copy !req
652. Magic.Copy !req
653. Oh! I'm terribly sorry!
You...Copy !req
654. - That was your fault.
- I know it was.Copy !req
655. Mmm.Copy !req
656. Too much pepper, I think.Copy !req
657. It is.Copy !req
658. Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
but that's that fateful music.Copy !req
659. Yes, you gorgeous gaggle
of gals out there,Copy !req
660. it's time to say good-bye
for today.Copy !req
661. And remember...
When ze husband comes home tonight,Copy !req
662. let him know what wonderful eating
can do for the marriage.Copy !req
663. This is Dexter Paris saying,
"Mwah!"Copy !req
664. Bye-bye, ladies. See you tomorrow.
Thank you, Lieutenant.Copy !req
665. Well, you know, I can't believe
this really happened.Copy !req
666. I mean, appearing on TV like this?
I was very nervous.Copy !req
667. - Now, calm yourself.
- Could you notice?Copy !req
668. You were fine.Copy !req
669. My hand was shaking.
When I broke the egg, I was nervous.Copy !req
670. You were fine.Copy !req
671. No, really. Mr. Paris, this was
a very, very big moment.Copy !req
672. You were an asset to the show.
Believe me.Copy !req
673. I looked all right then?Copy !req
674. - You looked fine.
- Photographically?Copy !req
675. You looked wonderful.Copy !req
676. I didn't say much.
I don't remember saying anything.Copy !req
677. What's on your mind, Lieutenant?Copy !req
678. I remember coming around this corner,
and then, from there on in,Copy !req
679. nothing. I couldn't remember.Copy !req
680. You know, my wife cooks
all your recipes?Copy !req
681. When I first met you,Copy !req
682. I didn't mention that
I really knew who you were,Copy !req
683. but when I went home,
I told her...Copy !req
684. Well, she absolutely fell down.
She's a big fan of yours.Copy !req
685. I forgot to say hello.Copy !req
686. I was so nervous,
I forgot to say hello.Copy !req
687. - Isn't that something?
- Lieutenant.Copy !req
688. - What's on your mind?
- She'll kill me.Copy !req
689. You know what the problem is?Copy !req
690. The problem is whenever
she tries one of your recipes,Copy !req
691. it's a disaster. A total disaster.Copy !req
692. And she follows your instructions
to the letter. Believe me.Copy !req
693. Disaster. I don't know what it is.Copy !req
694. But the soufflé falls down,
the cake hardens. You name it.Copy !req
695. Disaster.
You know what I told her?Copy !req
696. I told her it was the equipment.Copy !req
697. Lieutenant, I'm afraid I'm gonna
be out of my teens...Copy !req
698. by the time
this conversation gets anywhere.Copy !req
699. Do you ever recommend any equipment,
like say, for instance, a mixer?Copy !req
700. You know, one of those small electrical
mixers that you hold in your hand?Copy !req
701. No, I'm not permitted to endorse
any products by brand names, no.Copy !req
702. I'm sorry.Copy !req
703. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh.Copy !req
704. Well, uh, you know,
I did wanna tell you,Copy !req
705. you know they've
definitely established now...Copy !req
706. that your uncle passed away
from an electrical shock.Copy !req
707. I thought you should be aware of that.Copy !req
708. Oh. I...Copy !req
709. don't understand. I mean, uh...Copy !req
710. You mean from the exercise machine?Copy !req
711. No. I sent an electrician out there.Copy !req
712. The machine works
absolutely perfectly.Copy !req
713. Well, that doesn't make any sense.
I mean...Copy !req
714. do you have any ideas?Copy !req
715. Yes, sir, I do.Copy !req
716. Seems reasonably certain to me
that your uncle was murdered.Copy !req
717. Oh, come on, Columbo.
Come on!Copy !req
718. This melodramatic sleuthing
is driving me crazy.Copy !req
719. Look, I don't...Copy !req
720. I don't like being rude, Lieutenant,
but I really must go.Copy !req
721. For instance,
that upstairs bathtub...Copy !req
722. If somebody went in there
and, let's say,Copy !req
723. dropped an electrical appliance
in there, in that bathtub,Copy !req
724. during a time when it
was occupied, I mean.Copy !req
725. Look, you come in here
with the subtlety of a train wreck,Copy !req
726. and you ask me
what electric mixers I use.Copy !req
727. I didn't wanna bother you personally,
but I checked with your secretary.Copy !req
728. She told me you ordered up
two brand-new mixers only last week.Copy !req
729. My brother put you up to it, right?Copy !req
730. No, sir. No, he didn't.Copy !req
731. One, two.Copy !req
732. Yeah, my brother's beautiful.
He's beautiful.Copy !req
733. I'm sure he put it to you,
didn't he?Copy !req
734. Oh, I can see him now.
Yes, my brother.Copy !req
735. "Dexter? Unreliable. Dilettante."Copy !req
736. "Waiting for Uncle to die
so he can feed off his millions."Copy !req
737. "Yes. If you want a suspect,"Copy !req
738. "I suggest you keep an eye
on him, Lieutenant."Copy !req
739. "Must go now.
Terribly sorry. Toodle-oo."Copy !req
740. How was that? Close?Copy !req
741. - Close? That was terrific!
- Yeah.Copy !req
742. You're very talented.Copy !req
743. - No, I mean that.
- Thank you.Copy !req
744. And you're right.
That's pretty much what he said.Copy !req
745. Let me ask you a question.
Did you hurl the same defamatory...Copy !req
746. remarks at him?Copy !req
747. He doesn't seem to have much
of a motive to kill your uncle, sir.Copy !req
748. I mean, he's established.
He has money of his own.Copy !req
749. Let me tell you something,
Lieutenant.Copy !req
750. My brother happens to be
a creature of habit.Copy !req
751. Today is Wednesday, correct?Copy !req
752. Did he happen to tell you
he was gonna fly to...Copy !req
753. San Francisco on a business trip?Copy !req
754. Yes. That's amazing.
Yes, he did.Copy !req
755. Yeah, I thought so.Copy !req
756. You doing anything
for the next couple of hours?Copy !req
757. Come on.Copy !req
758. Where are we going?Copy !req
759. We're gonna visit my brother,
see his motive.Copy !req
760. How long has this been going on?Copy !req
761. First time in Vegas, huh?Copy !req
762. Uh, we were supposed to
come down two years ago,Copy !req
763. but my wife switched sides
and voted with my in-laws.Copy !req
764. We ended up in Animal Land.
It was nothing like this.Copy !req
765. See that second crap table
over there? Over there.Copy !req
766. Recognize anybody?Copy !req
767. Seven! The winner!Copy !req
768. Norman.Copy !req
769. Right.Copy !req
770. He tells me
he's going to San Francisco.Copy !req
771. That's right.Copy !req
772. This is his San Francisco trip?Copy !req
773. He comes here every Wednesday,Copy !req
774. in rain or shine,
in sickness or in health.Copy !req
775. Mostly in sickness.Copy !req
776. Hey, you liked the last
impersonation I did of him?Copy !req
777. You're gonna love this one.Copy !req
778. - Come on. Come on!
- Where? What?Copy !req
779. Well, well, Mr. Paris.Copy !req
780. I believe this is the first time
in three years...Copy !req
781. I've seen you
without a necktie on.Copy !req
782. What can I do for you today?Copy !req
783. I'm not here to beg
another credit extension, but...Copy !req
784. this gentleman is
willing to advance me...Copy !req
785. sufficient funds to help me diminish
my indebtedness to this establishment.Copy !req
786. Just one minute, Norman.Copy !req
787. I'm willing to do that, ma'am.Copy !req
788. I'd like to know how much
he owes first, exactly.Copy !req
789. - Do you have that on file?
- Yes, of course.Copy !req
790. We have that one right here.Copy !req
791. We have markers for Mr. Paris
totaling...Copy !req
792. $37,500.Copy !req
793. That enough evidence?Copy !req
794. That is what you said,
huh, Columbo? Huh?Copy !req
795. Come on.Copy !req
796. Seven! A loser.Copy !req
797. Excuse me. Excuse me.Copy !req
798. New shooter. Don't forget your
big six and your big eight, folks.Copy !req
799. That's me too.Copy !req
800. Here we go.Copy !req
801. Craps! A loser.Copy !req
802. Comin' up, a new shooter.
Get your bets down.Copy !req
803. Don't forget your big six
and your big eight, folks.Copy !req
804. Don't forget your pass line.
Here we go.Copy !req
805. Get your bets down, folks.
A new shooter.Copy !req
806. Shooter comin' up.Copy !req
807. Here we go now.Copy !req
808. Care to make a bet, sir?Copy !req
809. Watch your hands.Copy !req
810. Watch your hands, folks.Copy !req
811. Eight, the number. Easy eight.Copy !req
812. Seven! A loser.Copy !req
813. Put your bets down, folks.
A shooter comin' up.Copy !req
814. Beautiful.Copy !req
815. Just beautiful.Copy !req
816. Hmm. Beautiful. Just beautiful.Copy !req
817. I didn't know how gorgeous
this stuff was...Copy !req
818. If you please!Copy !req
819. - Uh... yes, Lieutenant.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
820. Mr. Paris was
a very shrewd collector.Copy !req
821. This stuff
is worth a fortune, huh?Copy !req
822. Well, that's what these gentlemen
and I are trying to determine.Copy !req
823. I was Mr. Paris's business manager
as well as his attorney, so...Copy !req
824. I'm responsible for
all these assets.Copy !req
825. Listen, I don't want to get
in the way or anything,Copy !req
826. so you just tell me.Copy !req
827. I know that's a big responsibility
to have all this, uh...Copy !req
828. all these lovely artifacts,
things of such beauty.Copy !req
829. There's a lot more to the estate
than just this house.Copy !req
830. Are you close to
the nephews at all?Copy !req
831. No, not really.Copy !req
832. But Dexter's useless,
and Norman's rather pompous.Copy !req
833. Excuse me.Copy !req
834. She practically raised both boys.Copy !req
835. She has more love for the family
than the family does.Copy !req
836. I think she hates me.
I really feel that.Copy !req
837. I bet she's very strong.Copy !req
838. Yes, it is. It's a shame
that the two brothers...Copy !req
839. don't get along like that.Copy !req
840. Which one of them do you suspect?Copy !req
841. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
842. Come now, Lieutenant.Copy !req
843. Well, sir, the trouble there is
it seems to me that...Copy !req
844. they both have pretty good motives.
I'm very big on motive.Copy !req
845. Mm-hmm. Norman's
gambling debts, you mean.Copy !req
846. You know about that?Copy !req
847. Mmm. I just made sure
the old man never found out.Copy !req
848. He was awfully proud of Norman.Copy !req
849. But Norman wasn't there
that day, remember? Dexter was.Copy !req
850. He came while Clifford
and I were fencing.Copy !req
851. Don't touch that, please!
That's a rather valuable little piece.Copy !req
852. Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
853. Has your department visited
Lisa Chambers at all?Copy !req
854. Must have been really tough on her.Copy !req
855. The funny thing about that
when I spoke to her,Copy !req
856. she was very nervous,
sort of defensive.Copy !req
857. Would she have any reason that
you know of to maybe help or...Copy !req
858. maybe protect
either one of the two brothers?Copy !req
859. Protect them? I don't think
she even knows them.Copy !req
860. Oh, met Dexter
once or twice perhaps, but...Copy !req
861. no, I wouldn't think so, Lieutenant.Copy !req
862. Thank you very much
for your courtesy, Mr. Hatheway.Copy !req
863. We're going to check out
every possibility.Copy !req
864. Including myself, I trust.Copy !req
865. I wouldn't want to feel slighted.Copy !req
866. To be frank, sir,
we haven't slighted you.Copy !req
867. Man dies without a will, well,Copy !req
868. we know that whoever manages
an estate of this size...Copy !req
869. can do pretty well by it.Copy !req
870. I certainly hope to.Copy !req
871. Does that put me on your list?Copy !req
872. We checked out where you went after
your fencing match with Mr. Paris.Copy !req
873. You really couldn't have killed
anybody from that attorneys' banquet.Copy !req
874. Well, it's always flattering
to be considered, however briefly.Copy !req
875. Right. Of course,
you could've had him killed.Copy !req
876. But I really don't put you very high
on the list of suspects.Copy !req
877. Nice talking with you, sir.Copy !req
878. Bum! You're a bum!Copy !req
879. Putting your stinking cigar butt
in this silver antique dish!Copy !req
880. Do you see this? Oh!Copy !req
881. I thought it was an ashtray.Copy !req
882. I have one at home
that looks exactly like that.Copy !req
883. Would you excuse me for a moment?Copy !req
884. Excuse me.Copy !req
885. Mrs. Peck?Copy !req
886. Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor
introduction of myself to you.Copy !req
887. I know that.Copy !req
888. I'm a stranger in your house
that you love,Copy !req
889. and I'm here to do
something that's not pleasant,Copy !req
890. so I don't expect you to like me.
But I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
891. I'm sorry about being untidy.
That's something I can't control.Copy !req
892. That's a fault of mine
that I... I don't know...Copy !req
893. I just can't correct that.Copy !req
894. I've tried many years. I'm just
very untidy. That's my nature.Copy !req
895. But I've never been...Copy !req
896. I've never been rude to you,
Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
897. And if you keep on treating me
like I'm an enemy...Copy !req
898. just because I'm here trying
to find who killed the man...Copy !req
899. that you worked for for 33 years,Copy !req
900. well, then I think
you're a very unfair person.Copy !req
901. Lieutenant Columbo.Copy !req
902. Lieutenant,Copy !req
903. I know that you're
a very hardworking officer...Copy !req
904. and I would like to offer you
a plate of...Copy !req
905. Mr. Paris's favorite health cookies
and a glass of milk.Copy !req
906. Well, thank you. I'm extremely
fond of health cookies.Copy !req
907. And then what?Copy !req
908. Well, nothing.Copy !req
909. Well, the bell rang,
and I let Miss Chambers in.Copy !req
910. She had a cab waiting.Copy !req
911. Maybe there's some little thing...
I mean really little.Copy !req
912. A noise maybe?Copy !req
913. Well, the TV there
went off for a minute.Copy !req
914. The TV went off?Copy !req
915. Well, it came back on again
in a few seconds.Copy !req
916. It's not worth mentioning,Copy !req
917. except that the color
hasn't been the same since.Copy !req
918. Well, I'm an expert on fine-tuning.Copy !req
919. What I mean is, you know,
I know what those repairmen get.Copy !req
920. See, I got stung a couple of times,Copy !req
921. and I went down
to the supermarket...Copy !req
922. and I bought one of those
instructional manuals...Copy !req
923. and I really studied it up.Copy !req
924. So if you don't mind,
may I take a look at this,Copy !req
925. see what I can do for you?Copy !req
926. Uh, no.Copy !req
927. Huh? When the TV set went off,
did the lights go off too?Copy !req
928. Well, I didn't have any lights on
in here at all.Copy !req
929. Of course, I don't know
about the rest of the house.Copy !req
930. But it was only 20 seconds.
I'm sure it wasn't...Copy !req
931. Do you remember exactly when it was
that the set went flooey?Copy !req
932. Yes, I remember exactly
because I was hammering on the TV,Copy !req
933. and I saw the clock,
and it was 8:05 exactly.Copy !req
934. And Miss Chambers
got here at 8:30.Copy !req
935. Boy, this thing really is
out of whack, isn't it?Copy !req
936. But I'm gonna be able
to help you with it.Copy !req
937. All you have to do
is get the precise thing...Copy !req
938. Oh, dear. Wait a minute.
Uh-oh.Copy !req
939. Oh, wait a minute. Now, Mrs. Peck,
I want you to remain calm.Copy !req
940. Remain calm, Mrs. Peck.
Just remain calm.Copy !req
941. - This goes back on very easily.
- Out!Copy !req
942. This is part of the knob.Copy !req
943. You just tell the repairman...Copy !req
944. Out!Copy !req
945. This needs to go right back...
Yes, ma'am. I'm leaving.Copy !req
946. - Out!
- I'd be very happy to pay for this.Copy !req
947. - Out!
- Yes, ma'am. I'm going.Copy !req
948. - Maybe the repairman...
- Out!Copy !req
949. I'll leave it right here.Copy !req
950. Your uncle left a will, Norman,Copy !req
951. leaving the bulk of the estate
not to you or your brother,Copy !req
952. but to Miss Lisa Chambers.Copy !req
953. Uh...Copy !req
954. Would you like
to see for yourself?Copy !req
955. See, the girl, uh,Copy !req
956. really wasn't that keen
on marrying him.Copy !req
957. The silly little thing honestly
didn't care at all about money.Copy !req
958. So in a burst of...
what, romantic enthusiasm?Copy !req
959. And to show her that he believed
she'd never marry him for his money,Copy !req
960. he had me draw up this will
leaving everything to her...Copy !req
961. whether she married him or not.Copy !req
962. I can't accept this.Copy !req
963. So if either one of you killed him,Copy !req
964. it's all for nothing because
the money goes to the girl.Copy !req
965. Unless, of course...Copy !req
966. well...Copy !req
967. Go on, please.Copy !req
968. There are only three copies
of this will.Copy !req
969. One in my safe, one which
was in your uncle's safe...Copy !req
970. until I removed it this morning
and, uh, the copy held by the girl.Copy !req
971. And?Copy !req
972. And...Copy !req
973. I might be able to persuade
the lovely...Copy !req
974. but not too brilliant young lady...Copy !req
975. into giving me her copy
for safekeeping.Copy !req
976. Ergo, no copy
of any will being found,Copy !req
977. the estate descends to you
and your brother.Copy !req
978. In return for...Copy !req
979. A simple contract calling for
the retention of my services...Copy !req
980. as business manager
and as attorney.Copy !req
981. I see no reason not to make as
much money now from the estate...Copy !req
982. as I did before your uncle died.Copy !req
983. Tell you what, counselor.Copy !req
984. You can be my business manager
and my lawyer...Copy !req
985. if you can get her copy of the will
away from that girl.Copy !req
986. That's fair enough.Copy !req
987. Why don't you go pick up your other
phone and listen, if you'd like.Copy !req
988. Hello.Copy !req
989. Uh, Miss Chambers?
This is Michael Hatheway.Copy !req
990. Oh, listen. I've been trying to get
in touch with your office all day!Copy !req
991. Oh, really?Copy !req
992. This police detective came over here
to ask me a lot of questions...Copy !req
993. about Clifford and his nephews
and everything.Copy !req
994. I didn't know what to tell him.Copy !req
995. That's funny.
That's what I was calling about.Copy !req
996. Do you have a moment?Copy !req
997. I'm listening.Copy !req
998. I do have certain sources in
the police department...Copy !req
999. who seem to feel...Copy !req
1000. that you're regarded as a
prime suspect in Mr. Paris's death.Copy !req
1001. I know that. That I know,
but I didn't do it, Mr. Hatheway!Copy !req
1002. Let me finish.Copy !req
1003. Please, Miss Chambers.Copy !req
1004. I strongly suggest
that when they come...Copy !req
1005. to arrest you...Copy !req
1006. Arrest me?Copy !req
1007. Oh, really!Copy !req
1008. Oh, yes.Copy !req
1009. Apparently they feel the
circumstantial evidence...Copy !req
1010. is overwhelming,
particularly since it was,Copy !req
1011. unfortunately,
you who found Mr. Paris's body.Copy !req
1012. Mr. Hatheway, I didn't do this.
You know I didn't do this!Copy !req
1013. Of course you didn't.Copy !req
1014. I'm only telling you
these things because...Copy !req
1015. I feel that, for Mr. Paris's sake,Copy !req
1016. the least I can do is help you
get out of this mess.Copy !req
1017. There's one very important thing
you should understand, Miss Chambers.Copy !req
1018. If the police...Copy !req
1019. should ever find that copy of
the will Mr. Paris made out...Copy !req
1020. naming you as sole beneficiary...Copy !req
1021. Well, I don't want the money.
I never wanted the money.Copy !req
1022. I realize that,
but you must understand that...Copy !req
1023. the police would never believe you.Copy !req
1024. I don't care about the money!Copy !req
1025. Well, we don't have
very much time, Miss Chambers.Copy !req
1026. I think the wisest thing...Copy !req
1027. is to pick up your copy of that
will myself for safekeeping,Copy !req
1028. just in case the police come at you
with a search warrant tonight.Copy !req
1029. Yeah. Okay. All right.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
1030. I can be at your apartment at 5:00.Copy !req
1031. Thank you.Copy !req
1032. Good work, counselor.Copy !req
1033. There.Copy !req
1034. Miss Chambers?Copy !req
1035. Miss Chambers?Copy !req
1036. Hello!Copy !req
1037. Miss Chambers.Copy !req
1038. Sir? May I ask which apartment
you came from?Copy !req
1039. I set Hatheway up, huh?Copy !req
1040. Oh, boy. Has he got a galloping
imagination. And you believe him?Copy !req
1041. Oh, now, I never said that, sir.Copy !req
1042. But Mr. Hatheway does claim that...Copy !req
1043. since you knew what time
he was due to visit Miss Chambers,Copy !req
1044. all you had to do
was get there ahead of him,Copy !req
1045. - wait until you saw his car arrive.
- Wrong.Copy !req
1046. When you knew that
he was in the elevator,Copy !req
1047. shove the lady over the balcony...Copy !req
1048. disappear down the back stairs
in all the commotion.Copy !req
1049. - Wrong.
- Well, he was very insistent, Mr. Paris.Copy !req
1050. He woke up half the police station.
He was very loud, very vocal.Copy !req
1051. You wouldn't believe
the noise that he made.Copy !req
1052. What do you expect? A confession?Copy !req
1053. No.Copy !req
1054. No, sir. No, I don't.Copy !req
1055. Oh! By the way,Copy !req
1056. I have here a, uh,
copy of an agreement signed by you.Copy !req
1057. "Retaining Mr. Michael Hatheway
as...Copy !req
1058. business manager and attorney
for all the estate."Copy !req
1059. That's right. I assumed that I
would need someone to handle...Copy !req
1060. my share of my uncle's estate
that I thought I was inheriting.Copy !req
1061. That's a straight, aboveboard
business agreement.Copy !req
1062. I see here
your brother signed it.Copy !req
1063. We thought we were inheriting
my uncle's estate.Copy !req
1064. Oh. I thought you never
talked to your brother.Copy !req
1065. I talked to my brother today for
the first time in over two years...Copy !req
1066. on the phone to discuss the signing
of that agreement.Copy !req
1067. When I hung up, I still hated
his pompous guts,Copy !req
1068. and I'm sure
he felt the same way about me.Copy !req
1069. I guess wounds between two people
never heal, huh?Copy !req
1070. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1071. When I talked to my brother,
Norman, I did tell him...Copy !req
1072. that Hatheway and Lisa Chambers...Copy !req
1073. were gonna meet at 5:00.Copy !req
1074. You did?Copy !req
1075. Yeah. Well, well, good old Norman,
my banker brother.Copy !req
1076. I'm sure he won't admit
that I told him.Copy !req
1077. I would tend to agree
with that, sir, yes.Copy !req
1078. Which means that Hatheway
could be telling the truth.Copy !req
1079. In other words...Copy !req
1080. good old Norman could have shoved
Lisa right off the balcony, right?Copy !req
1081. Which means that possibly
he committed two murders, not one.Copy !req
1082. Do you realize the 6:00 news
could make him a bigger...Copy !req
1083. TV celebrity than I am?Copy !req
1084. Mr. Paris, do you think
that your brother is guilty?Copy !req
1085. The truth? Of course not.Copy !req
1086. I think it's quite obvious
what happened. I think, uh,Copy !req
1087. Hatheway and the girl made a deal.
She killed my uncle,Copy !req
1088. Hatheway killed her.Copy !req
1089. She probably tried to cross him...Copy !req
1090. for some reason or other,
and he shoved her off the balcony.Copy !req
1091. Lieutenant?Copy !req
1092. Oh. Sorry.
Thank you very much, Mr. Paris.Copy !req
1093. You've been very helpful.
Good night.Copy !req
1094. Mr. Marshak,Copy !req
1095. you've had over 30 years as a
practicing lawyer in this town.Copy !req
1096. I'm new. I'm green.Copy !req
1097. Tell me, what can I do
for this client?Copy !req
1098. What can any one of us ever do,
Tony?Copy !req
1099. Oh, we can be grateful,
I suppose.Copy !req
1100. Ohh!Copy !req
1101. I know!Copy !req
1102. - Lieutenant Columbo!
- In a moment, ma'am.Copy !req
1103. - Lieutenant!
- Can't talk now.Copy !req
1104. You have been allowed
to come into this house.Copy !req
1105. - You have been given permission.
- Not now.Copy !req
1106. You have turned everything
into chaos!Copy !req
1107. Now you have bungled
my television set!Copy !req
1108. Do you hear me?Copy !req
1109. My television does not work.Copy !req
1110. It'll be fine now. New fuse.
I promise it'll be terrific.Copy !req
1111. I promise.Copy !req
1112. If we hadn't maneuvered Irving's
confession of infidelities...Copy !req
1113. with Shirley's uncle and aunt,Copy !req
1114. we might have sent
still another man to his death.Copy !req
1115. Purple. I'll kill him!Copy !req
1116. I want to pay the repairman for you.
I want to pay everything.Copy !req
1117. Right now, while the man is
still here, I'll pay you.Copy !req
1118. Mrs. Peck,
in front of your eyes, I'll do it.Copy !req
1119. And I won't touch anything.Copy !req
1120. I swear on my mother's eyes,
not a thing.Copy !req
1121. Please, would you let me in?Copy !req
1122. You get the Degas,
I get the Picassos.Copy !req
1123. Norman, you couldn't tell
a Picasso from a Rorschach test.Copy !req
1124. Can anyone? I know well enough
what they're worth.Copy !req
1125. Is that all that matters to you?
Money? Dollars and cents?Copy !req
1126. Is that all?Copy !req
1127. Look, my fellow vulture,
if you're going to be here,Copy !req
1128. you're going to be
picking the bones.Copy !req
1129. Excuse us.Copy !req
1130. Lieutenant Columbo is here.Copy !req
1131. Thank you, Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
1132. Yes, Lieutenant.
What is it this time?Copy !req
1133. Well, I'm a little ahead of the
police car supposed to meet me here.Copy !req
1134. Pardon me, lady, but how do you want
me to set the color on that thing?Copy !req
1135. It's okay, Mrs. Peck. Take care of
your TV set. Go ahead.Copy !req
1136. You were saying, Lieutenant.Copy !req
1137. Well, to tell you the truth,Copy !req
1138. I came here, I think,
to make an arrest.Copy !req
1139. You think?Copy !req
1140. Well, it's a little bit complicated.Copy !req
1141. Would you mind too much
coming with me to the bathroom?Copy !req
1142. Columbo, you're marvelous.
You're absolutely bizarre.Copy !req
1143. Mr. Paris, would you
lift me out of the tub?Copy !req
1144. Lift you out of the tub?Copy !req
1145. Yes, sir. If you could please try.
I'll stay just like this.Copy !req
1146. Well, I can try, yes.Copy !req
1147. Thank you very much. Just try,
and I'll stay just like this.Copy !req
1148. Let's see.Copy !req
1149. I can't get any leverage.
Wait.Copy !req
1150. I can't.
It must be the angle I have.Copy !req
1151. That's right, sir.
That is perfectly right.Copy !req
1152. And you'll notice, sir,
that I'm perfectly dry.Copy !req
1153. I'm not even slippery.
I mean, I have my clothes on.Copy !req
1154. And you still could not
lift me out of the tub.Copy !req
1155. Uh, Officer?Copy !req
1156. No, I'll do that in a moment.Copy !req
1157. Do you intend to demonstrate drowning
yourself for us, Lieutenant?Copy !req
1158. Uh, no, sir, but I think
I can demonstrate...Copy !req
1159. is that your uncle could have died
from an electrical shock...Copy !req
1160. without showing any marks
or burns or anything like that.Copy !req
1161. Now...Copy !req
1162. let's see, uh...Copy !req
1163. Officer, could you turn off
that water, please?Copy !req
1164. You see, I'm not exactly sure...Copy !req
1165. I think everybody should
stand back for a moment.Copy !req
1166. I'm not overly expert
at electrical equipment.Copy !req
1167. Oh.Copy !req
1168. All right.Copy !req
1169. Now,Copy !req
1170. suppose Mr. Paris was
in that bathtub there,Copy !req
1171. and somebody came walking in.Copy !req
1172. Officer, would you turn on
that light, please?Copy !req
1173. Are you suggesting that someone
just sauntered into the bathroom,Copy !req
1174. carrying an electric mixer?Copy !req
1175. Well, I'm just using this mixer.Copy !req
1176. I mean, anything electrical
is what I'm trying to show.Copy !req
1177. Now, here we go.Copy !req
1178. Cannot supersede...Copy !req
1179. Ohh!Copy !req
1180. Very quickly now.
We should all go very quickly now.Copy !req
1181. Left. Bear left.Copy !req
1182. This is a pretty old house
here, as you know,Copy !req
1183. and when they have those old
type fuses, the screw-in kind...Copy !req
1184. Right here.Copy !req
1185. Lieutenant?Copy !req
1186. Yes, sir. Just bear with me
for a moment, will you?Copy !req
1187. All right, Lou.Copy !req
1188. Sixty-seven seconds, exactly.Copy !req
1189. Fascinating. I didn't know that.Copy !req
1190. Oh, yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Paris.
I think you did know that.Copy !req
1191. Know what?Copy !req
1192. Well, you see, sir...Copy !req
1193. You know what bothered me?Copy !req
1194. Right from the beginning,
it bothered me.Copy !req
1195. How the murderer
got into the house...Copy !req
1196. after Mrs. Peck switched on
the burglar alarm.Copy !req
1197. Someone was here shortly before
the, uh,Copy !req
1198. incident, as I recall, Lieutenant.Copy !req
1199. Come off it, Norman. I said I left
the house, and I left the house.Copy !req
1200. Mrs. Peck saw me.Copy !req
1201. It would have been necessary
for someone to let the murderer in.Copy !req
1202. Somebody already in the house
who could turn off the burglar alarm.Copy !req
1203. That lets me off, I guess, huh?Copy !req
1204. I'm afraid not, Mr. Paris.Copy !req
1205. Instead of leaving the house,
you stayed around...Copy !req
1206. and turned off the burglar alarm
at the right moment.Copy !req
1207. Mrs. Peck, did you or did you not
see me drive out of here,Copy !req
1208. wave good-bye, honk my horn...Copy !req
1209. No, sir. She didn't see you.
She saw him.Copy !req
1210. I think you had on the same clothes
as your brother, Mr. Paris.Copy !req
1211. I think it was you that drove out
and then came back later...Copy !req
1212. when your brother let you in.Copy !req
1213. Are you nuts?Copy !req
1214. I resent defamation, Lieutenant.Copy !req
1215. You said you two never talked,
except about that agreement.Copy !req
1216. I guess you had to say that in order
to keep the guessing game going.Copy !req
1217. But you know?
That's what nailed you down.Copy !req
1218. I called the telephone company.Copy !req
1219. They told me that you two have talked
maybe 20 times in the last 10 days.Copy !req
1220. You're saying
they killed their uncle?Copy !req
1221. These boys wouldn't do
such a thing!Copy !req
1222. I'm sorry, Mrs. Peck,Copy !req
1223. but I think this time
they needed each other so much...Copy !req
1224. that they both
did something very bad.Copy !req
1225. See? Sixty-seven seconds.
Sixty-seven.Copy !req
1226. Took us 67 seconds to get down here
and replace that fuse.Copy !req
1227. But Mrs. Peck's television set
was only out for 15 seconds.Copy !req
1228. There had to be somebody else
waiting down here...Copy !req
1229. to replace that fuse.Copy !req
1230. And somebody had to help lift
the body out of the bathtub.Copy !req
1231. One man couldn't have
done that alone...Copy !req
1232. and then dried him off
with that wet towel I found,Copy !req
1233. then put him in a sweat suit,Copy !req
1234. let alone carry him down the stairs.Copy !req
1235. Stop it!Copy !req
1236. It's all right, Mrs. Peck.Copy !req
1237. What's done is done.
What's obvious is obvious.Copy !req
1238. I'm just sorry that
you had to be here...Copy !req
1239. Shut up!Copy !req
1240. Okay, gents.Copy !req