BoJack Horseman 5x10

1. What troubles you, Sister?

2. It's the woman who came from the water. She's been in our care for two years.

3. She hasn't spoken a word and spends her days in a fog.

4. Have you been steadfast in your prayers?

5. I have. And yet, her condition does not improve.

6. "And yet"? Is prayer but a bargain?

7. Is it for you to present terms to the Lord?

8. No, Mother. I just—

9. You seek a sign from God. Should He seek less from you?

10. Take the woman to the seaside tomorrow after Matins.

11. Prove your faith to Him that He might reveal His glory to you.

12. Yes, Mother.

13. Can you feel that on your feet?

14. That's water. Water.

15. This is hopeless! I want to help you, but I don't even know who you are!

16. I look at your face and think you could be literally anyone.

17. Are you a federal judge? A Russian spy?

18. - A proud Southern matriarch?

19. Bo... BoJack!

20. - What? - BoJack!

21. - What are you saying? I don't— - BoJack! BoJack! BoJack!

22. Gah! Bleh! Agh!

23. Ow...!

24. - Come on, get up. We're gonna be late. - How have I gained weight?

25. Spent two weeks in a hospital hooked up to a feeding tube.

26. You drank milkshakes. That's not a feeding tube.

27. It's basically a feeding tube.

28. How many do you take a day? Are you in that much pain right now?

29. - I'm about to be. Reviews are out. - Okay.

30. "Philbert is an astonishment,

31. with Horseman bringing surprising depth to the eponymous character."

32. "Surprising depth"? God, they always gotta slant it.

33. Why can't it just be "depth"?

34. I'd hate to see you after a bad review.

35. Oh, and I bet "eponymous" was supposed to be a pun on "pony."

36. Wait. There's a part about me.

37. "Gina Cazador also appears as Sassy Malone."

38. Wow, I've never been mentioned in a review before.

39. "Her restrained performance crackles with nuance and power."

40. Damn, look at me— in two sentences.

41. Well, don't let it go to your head. Probably just because you're a good actor.

42. Anyway, I got you something for the premiere party.

43. - These are beautiful, BoJack. - Well, don't let it go to your head.

44. It's because you visited me in the hospital every day,

45. and I got used to having you around, and it turns out I like you.

46. Uh-oh. I let them go to my head.

47. "What separates Philbert is the character's vulnerability.

48. This is not the sad man as suave and cynical anti-hero,

49. but a barely scabbed-over wound of a person."

50. "Barely scabbed-over." Congratulations.

51. You're the one who took a stock bad-boy detective

52. and made him into a wound.

53. Me? No.

54. - You're coming to the premiere party? - Already on my way.

55. My apartment is a two-hour drive from everywhere.

56. Seven miles, two hours.

57. - How is that possible? - Honk, honk!

58. Well, that'll give you plenty of time

59. to come up with a few spontaneous remarks for the red carpet.

60. Oh, do I have to do that? - Look, I gotta go. You'll be great.

61. - Just be charmingly effusive. Be yourself. - I can't be both of those things at once!

62. - Can I help you? - Abel Ziegler.

63. I saw the trailer for your new show Philbert,

64. and I think you oughta see this.

65. "What did the clam say to the crab at the undersea ball?"

66. I think you know why I'm here.

67. Oh, fish.

68. Well, buddy, these past few months, you have been inappropriate

69. with every person who's come to our apartment.

70. Henry Fondle, you are inside of me. You always have been.

71. But there's nowhere else I can take you.

72. Let's get down to business.

73. You want me to take you to work? No way!

74. - Oh, yes! - No!

75. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

76. - Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

77. I need you to be on your best behavior today.

78. That is the stuff I like.

79. I also like clearly defined expectations.

80. It seems we understand each other.

81. - Mmm-ch, mmm-ch!

82. So, tonight, are we, like, together-together at this thing?

83. Oh, uh, well...

84. I mean, I know we're together. I just meant publicly.

85. Like, are we gonna introduce the world to "BoJina"?

86. Well, yeah, I just... I'm not sure the world is ready for, um, BoJina.

87. - Oh, yeah, you're probably right.

88. What do you want, Mr. Peanutbutter?

89. Gotcha! It's not Steven Spielberg. I changed my name in your contacts.

90. - Pickles wants to say "hi."

91. - What pickles? - Hi, BoJack!

92. Uh, hello. Are you the pickles?

93. I don't know if I'm the Pickles, but maybe one day.

94. - Right now I'm just a waitress. - Oh, right. The waitress.

95. Well, I don't know if I'm the waitress.

96. She's being modest. She's a waitress- slash-

97. - aspiring Instagram influencer. - What?

98. Is that Gina?

99. - Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. - Wow.

100. BoJack Horseman and Mr. Peanutbutter, and also Gina on the same phone call?

101. What is this?

102. I don't know what this is. Why did you call me?

103. Oh, yeah!

104. You wanna ride with me and Pickles to the premiere?

105. It'll be like this, but for 40 minutes.

106. - Hard no. - Hardly no?

107. - That sounds like a yes. - Okay, bye.

108. - Well, anyway— hello?

109. Huh. He must have accidentally hung up,

110. right after he accidentally said, "Okay, bye."

111. As the clam said to the crab at the undersea ball...

112. "Shell we dance?"

113. There are some superficial similarities.

114. Superficial, shmuperficial! It's the same line!

115. - Doesn't mean I stole it! - Flip.

116. I spent months on that line. I slaved, finessed, crafted.

117. The world was a block of marble, and, like Michelangelo,

118. I chiseled it into my David,

119. as I did for each and every one of Crazy AZ's Frozen Funnies.

120. Mr. Ziegler, we have so much respect for your work.

121. Do you think I'm like a penny on a railroad track?

122. Prone to flattery?

123. We've got a premiere to get to.

124. How long do we have to listen to this guy do his Popsicle schtick?

125. It's pronounced "stick," idiot.

126. Play nice, Flip.

127. If this gets out, everyone will be talking about the stolen gag,

128. instead of all the great parts of the show that weren't stolen.

129. Fine. What do you want?

130. I want what every comedy writer wants. Respect!

131. Oh! What if I just let you come to the premiere party with us?

132. They have tiny tacos in soft shells

133. that are impossible to fold without making a big mess.

134. I accept your terms. Where do I sign?

135. - Can we go now? - Wait.

136. "Abel Ziegler ampersand"? What are you ampersanding?

137. - My former writing partner, Ziggy Abler. - What?

138. I can only give permission for the part I wrote.

139. I'm the set-up guy.

140. If you want the punch line, you gotta talk to Ziggy.

141. Can you ask him to sign the release?

142. I can't even ask him the best time to go to the dentist.

143. He hasn't talked to me for 30 years.

144. - Now, you mentioned a party?

145. Wow!

146. A real Hollywoo premiere party.

147. Can we get our pictures taken, and drink specialty cocktails,

148. and form life-long bonds with other fancy celebrities,

149. and read in magazines, "Who wore it better?"

150. And then people vote, and then 78 percent of readers say,

151. - "Pickles did!"

152. Hey, BoJack, can we get some of just you?

153. - Oh, uh, yeah. - Mm-hmm. I'll see you in there.

154. FYI, you're gonna want pictures of her after you see what she does in Philbert.

155. Let me tell you something, that 39-year-old actress is going places.

156. - Oh. Hey. - What happened to your arm?

157. - Oh, just some asshole got T-boned by me. - Oh, my God. When?

158. Uh... couple weeks ago? Or months?

159. As Philbert says, "Time is like a woman;

160. completely impossible to comprehend."

161. I think we ended up cutting that line

162. because the network was worried it would be offensive

163. to people who didn't know what time it was.

164. - This you call a tip?

165. I haven't seen a tip this measly since my bris.

166. You must be Ziggy Abler. Oh, thank you so much for coming.

167. Darling, you're wasting your time.

168. I love to sign documents. In fact, that's my signature move.

169. But if Abel signed it, I won't.

170. I guess you could say I'm willing, but not Abel!

171. - Oh...! - Now where are those tiny tacos?

172. Oh!

173. - Cuckoo.

174. Chicka-chicka, oh, yeah.

175. Mmm-ch, mmm-ch!

176. Oh, is it five o'clock already?

177. If you've poured me a drink, you must want something.

178. - Out with it. I want to be on top of you.

179. There's no one on top of me. I'm CEO of this company.

180. - That's my favorite position. - Well, you can't have it. It's mine.

181. Give it to me.

182. You want to be tantamount to this catamount?

183. You've got balls, I'll give you that.

184. I am a horny robot.

185. For my job, yes, you've been quite clear.

186. But if you were CEO, what would I do?

187. Take a portraiture class at the Learning Annex?

188. While away the hours, painting canvas after canvas of my wife,

189. and, through this act,

190. rediscover the woman I fell in love with those many years ago?

191. No, such a realization would only crush my too-feeble heart.

192. After all, what benefit is it to love without the words to express it?

193. What could I possibly say to articulate my deep devotion to this woman,

194. who has become but a stranger to me now?

195. I am powerless in the face of your mesmerizing sexual energy.

196. Such a brain for business, yet such a tongue for poetry.

197. So, I am resigning from my post, effective immediately.

198. I leave you in the good hands of Henry Fondle.

199. - Henry, would you like to say a few words? - Henry] You will submit to my desires.

200. - Very impressive. - He's leaning in and I respect that.

201. - Uh... guys, are you sure about this? - I've never been more sure about anything.

202. Todd, why don't you show your new boss around the premises?

203. I'm actually about to head out to the Philbert premiere party.

204. I'm coming. - Brilliant! You'll take him with you!

205. Oh, no, no. He doesn't need to come.

206. I'm coming, I'm coming. Oh, God, I'm coming.

207. Whatever you say... boss.

208. Hello, everyone.

209. Thank you for attending the premiere of my opus.

210. I hope you all enjoy it because that means you are smart.

211. If you don't get it, that means that my genius wasn't appreciated

212. in my own time, and that's okay, too.

213. Why are you laughing? Please do not laugh during the screening.

214. This episode contains no intentional humor.

215. Okay. That's— that's always a good sign,

216. when you have to clarify that. Look, folks, Herb is being modest.

217. - "Herb"? - I'm sorry.

218. Flip. Did I say Herb?

219. Herb is being modest, but he put together a tremendous show

220. that I think that you guys are really gonna love.

221. That's right. It all came out of this brain.

222. - Ha! That brain, he says? - That brain? Double-ha!

223. Shh!

224. And the most amazing thing about this show

225. is that I'm sure we all have Philberts in our lives,

226. or we are Philberts.

227. You know, we've all done terrible things that we deeply regret.

228. I've done so many... unforgivable things.

229. And I think that, that's what this show says.

230. Is that... is that we're all terrible, so therefore we're all... okay.

231. What?

232. And I think that's a really powerful message.

233. Okay, well, without further ado, the first chapter,

234. and notice I said "chapter" not episode

235. because I think of this show as more of a novel than a TV show...

236. - of Philbert!

237. Nothing's lonelier than a party.

238. Barf me a river!

239. Hey, Pickles, where have you been? You left after, like, ten minutes.

240. I'm sorry.

241. My friend Ilana, not my best friend Ilana, but another Ilana who is my friend,

242. was having a crisis, and I needed to text her "LOL."

243. Well, you missed the whole episode.

244. I saw the first ten minutes! I just couldn't get into it.

245. And you kept saying,

246. "Do you love it? Are you loving it? How did you like that scene?"

247. Well, did you love it? Were you loving it? How did you like that scene?

248. Every time you showed up on screen, I kept thinking,

249. "That's not a dirty cop, that's my boyfriend!

250. The sweetest, cutest dog in the whole world!"

251. And then you'd shoot someone, and I was like... eww!

252. - Fritz is the hardest I've ever acted. - Oh.

253. Harder than the ice bucket challenge,

254. but it was fake ice. I wanted you to see it.

255. I'm going to fix this. You stay here and party.

256. I'll go home. I'll watch the entire season of your show.

257. You don't have to do that.

258. And you don't have to like every one of my Instagram posts, but you do.

259. The least I could do is watch your TV show,

260. even if it kills me because I hate it so much.

261. - Well, don't watch it if you hate it. - I'm going to do this for us.

262. - But— - I love you!

263. I've been to dozens of these things and I've never heard applause like that.

264. We might actually get a season two.

265. - That's never happened to me before. - That's incredible.

266. Excuse me, can I borrow you for a few minutes?

267. - Oh, sure. Gina, do you mind if I, um...? - Yeah, go ahead.

268. Oh, no, I was actually talking to Gina.

269. Me? I'm being borrowed for a few minutes?

270. Oh! Well, yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. Sure.

271. Wow. Oh, my God.

272. Hey, how you doing? Hey, you came!

273. Flip, I screwed up. I didn't know it would feel like that.

274. To be in that room. To hear people cheering for Philbert!

275. - What are you talking about? - When I first started on this job,

276. I wanted to make Philbert more well-rounded,

277. so the audience could relate to him better.

278. And now you're upset

279. because I didn't mention you in my introduction.

280. Diane, the whole point of television is it's a collaborative medium,

281. - where one person gets all the credit. - No, it's not about that.

282. I made him more vulnerable, and that made him more likable,

283. which makes for a better TV show.

284. But if Philbert is just a way to help dumb assholes rationalize

285. their own awful behavior,

286. well, I'm sorry, but we can't put this out there.

287. Uh, it's out there.

288. The whole season's dropping at midnight all over the world.

289. - I can't be here.

290. Come on, fellas. I know we can find a solution here.

291. I doubt it.

292. We have the same problem as a hematology lab

293. that goes a week without electricity!

294. Too much bad blood!

295. But you obviously work together so well. What went wrong?

296. It was a long time ago.

297. My wife Harriet always had a sneaker for Ziggy.

298. Oh, and the unspoken resentment crept in?

299. Unspoken? It was shouted!

300. Nevertheless, me and Harriet ended up having a fling.

301. Eventually, we got married.

302. - And that killed the partnership? - No, we got over that.

303. But at their tenth anniversary, I had a few too many—

304. And what, you took a swing at him?

305. I said I always felt he had the easier job,

306. coming up with the punch lines.

307. And then what? What led to the rift?

308. Led? That's the whole rift! He besmirched my craft.

309. I still haven't forgiven the son of a bitch!

310. I said it then, and I stand by it now!

311. All the pressure's on the punch line!

312. Pressure? Please!

313. Set-ups need context, mise-en-scène, flavor!

314. I carried us to the top of the Popsicle stick game!

315. You wrote the part they let you try before you buy!

316. I had to deliver the money line!

317. Ugh!

318. So, you both think you had the harder job?

319. Of course! - Indubitably!

320. Well, what if you tried switching roles?

321. - You mean, I tag his set-ups? - Why not?

322. I don't know. I'm a punch line guy my whole life.

323. How do I come up with straight lines?

324. - You could try using a ruler. - Oh!

325. - Oh, I missed you, Abel! - You, too, Zig!

326. All right, so we have a deal?

327. What did the terminally ill man say to Dr. Kevorkian?

328. "Give me that sweet release!"

329. Hey.

330. Did you really mean what you said, before the screening?

331. About how Philbert made you feel okay, about yourself?

332. Oh, I don't know—

333. Because, you know, that's not the point of Philbert—

334. for guys to watch it and feel okay.

335. Diane, it's a compliment. You did a good job. Relax.

336. I don't want you, or anyone else,

337. justifying their shitty behavior because of the show.

338. What is your problem?

339. Why can't you accept that something you did is successful?

340. It's connecting to people, and that's good.

341. You're right, sorry. I don't know why I thought you would care.

342. - Excuse me? - What is going on with you? You're a mess.

343. - Am I? - I feel like I barely know you anymore.

344. Oh, bullshit. Don't give me that.

345. - It's true. I don't know you. - No. You know me. You do.

346. Then what the hell happened in New Mexico?

347. Look, I...

348. I don't know what you think that you know—

349. I don't know anything!

350. I mean, I know something happened with a girl in New Mexico,

351. and I know it resulted in you coming home in a boat.

352. - Well, that's— - I also know...

353. that your old friend Charlotte lives in New Mexico

354. because you used to leave her business card lying around the house,

355. and I know her daughter is a senior at Oberlin.

356. - How—? - And I know you went to Oberlin

357. during your bender three years ago

358. because a bunch of students posted pictures of you on Facebook.

359. Jesus Christ, why are you so obsessed with me?

360. I am not obsessed.

361. I wanted to know what happened, and you wouldn't tell me.

362. - You never asked! - Okay, so I'm asking now.

363. What happened in New Mexico?

364. - Hallo! Smile for Yahoo, Finland!

365. What I don't understand is why you feel

366. like you deserve to know every shitty thing I ever did.

367. I don't deserve anything.

368. I would like to know when you've done shitty things.

369. Why is that your business?

370. Because I'm your friend, and I care about you,

371. and I wrote a book about you,

372. and now I wrote this show for you, and I am very publicly your friend,

373. so if it gets out that you're doing creepy stuff, that makes me look bad.

374. Oh! So you're worried about things that I may have done

375. because you think that it reflects badly on you?

376. Hurts your brand? That's your moral high ground?

377. This is not about "moral high ground."

378. Wanna know about New Mexico?

379. You want to know about the one little thing that I did in New Mexico,

380. which, by the way, wasn't even really a thing?

381. - You know what? Spare me. - No, I'm gonna tell you.

382. I'll tell you what you want.

383. And while I'm at it, you wanna hear about what happened at the MTV beach house?

384. Or why I'm not allowed to fly United anymore?

385. Or what happened with Sharona, the makeup lady on Horsing Around?

386. - What? - Or the dozens of other shady things

387. that may or may not have occurred in my life that I can barely even remember

388. 'cause I was high or drunk or it was 30 years ago?

389. And you don't feel bad, about any of this stuff?

390. Yeah, of course I do! I've spent so much time feeling bad.

391. By the way, most of these women... don't even remember, I bet.

392. Well, that's really convenient for you.

393. I'm the one who has to live with this shit.

394. I'm the one who has to feel the guilt all day, every day.

395. So, you're the victim here?

396. Yeah, and I know that's not the woke, progressive,

397. intersectionally appropriate thing to say, but I would say, yeah!

398. I'm the one who has suffered the most because of the actions of BoJack Horseman.

399. - You've suffered? - Yeah, I have!

400. - The most? - The most!

401. Really? More than, say, Sarah Lynn?

402. Don't talk to me about her.

403. No, I wanna know how you're the victim of the Sarah Lynn story.

404. - I'm serious. - Explain to me...

405. how Sarah Lynn's overdose was really rough for you.

406. - Shut up. - You feel a lot of guilt about that?

407. You feel a lot of guilt because you were the only father figure she ever had,

408. and when she came to you for help, you—

409. - Hey, how you doing? - You folks having a good time?

410. You look great. Thanks for coming.

411. - You had sex with her? - That's— ! No.

412. And then when she was sober, you took her on a month-long bender?

413. And then she died. And she is dead now. And you're still alive.

414. With a girlfriend, who is also alive, and a TV show.

415. And that's been really hard for you, the main character in this story.

416. Why are you bringing this shit up? Is this fun for you?

417. - To really rub in— - It's not fun.

418. You win! You scored all the points in the argument!

419. According to facts, you are right and I am wrong, like always.

420. But you know what? I don't care. Because I'm trying to move forward.

421. You haven't changed at all.

422. Yes! Congratulations! You are the last person to get that.

423. I'm not gonna change. I don't need your help for changing,

424. so you can stop trying to make me your project.

425. - That's not— - When I met you, I was depressed

426. because I didn't like myself.

427. And when you wrote that book and sold a bajillion copies,

428. you taught me that as screwed up as I am, that's okay.

429. You did that. And now I'm okay.

430. I don't believe that's true.

431. And I don't think you believe it's true.

432. I think you want me to tell you that you can be better.

433. And even though you're being a total asshole right now,

434. I still believe it.

435. If all you've gotten out of this friendship,

436. is the idea that you should be okay with yourself, as you are,

437. then I don't think this is a good relationship...

438. for either of us.

439. - Diane, come on. - I'm going home.

440. No, Diane, we're saying things, but let's just go back to the party.

441. I'm done... with all of this.

442. I went to New Mexico to see Charlotte.

443. She was married with a daughter.

444. But it wasn't like... what you're thinking.

445. She was 17, which is the legal age of consent in New Mexico,

446. and she wasn't drunk, so, not that I wanted to, I never... I didn't.

447. That's the dumbest part of all of this! I didn't do anything.

448. I mean, the fact that this has turned into such a thing for you—

449. you know, maybe I didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell.

450. Did you ever think of that? She was my friend's daughter,

451. and she wanted it, and I was...

452. I was in a bad place because Charlotte had just—

453. So, then she came onto my boat, Charlotte, I mean,

454. and she walked in, and I was with her daughter.

455. But again, nothing had happened yet.

456. - "Yet?" - Nothing happened.

457. Goodbye, BoJack.

458. - Diane, no! - Hey— Aah!

459. You wanted me to tell you. I told you. You know everything.

460. - Please let go of me. - Diane, please.

461. You're hurting me, and I would like you to let go now.

462. - So, what'd you think of the show, boss? More, more.

463. Well, all ten episodes

464. - will be on our website at midnight. - More.

465. - You want more episodes? - Give it to me.

466. Ooh! Flip! They're picking us up for more episodes!

467. Wow. And my mother said I'd never last as long as Hung.

468. Well, who's Hung now, Mom?

469. Uh, right.

470. Ugh.

471. Ow! Oh, ah!

472. Uh...

473. - Oh. Hey! - Hey.

474. - You're leaving? - Yeah. You?

475. I'm just getting some air.

476. No, wrong Prius. I'm sorry I lost my ticket!

477. Want me to drive you home?

478. You can come back and get your car tomorrow?

479. You don't have to do that.

480. Of course not. I don't have to do anything.

481. Gina, I know it's early,

482. but have you started writing your acceptance speech for the Emmys?

483. Oh, stop. I'll probably just repurpose whatever I say at the SAG Awards.

484. - Is that gonna read as cocky?

485. Can you explain to your readers that I'm being charmingly self-effacing?

486. - Excuse me. - Oh, hey, hot stuff! Whoa!

487. Thanks.

488. And, great job, by the way. You're really good on the show.

489. Yeah? No. Me? No. Yeah?

490. Yeah! You're a good actor. I never knew that about you.

491. Well, I'll see you back on set, right?

492. Did you hear we got picked up for more episodes?

493. I'm not going back.

494. Oh. Well, then, I guess I'll see you around.

495. I hope so.

496. I can't believe I finally got you to leave a party early.

497. Come on, you know I'd do anything for you.

498. - Why? I'm such a disaster. - You're not a disaster.

499. You're Diane. You're amazing.

500. Do you wanna come in?