BoJack Horseman 3x8

1. When you two first came into my office,

2. I was like, "This marriage is not going to last."

3. But you've really put the work in. I deem your marriage fixed.

4. Thanks, Dr. Janet.

5. We couldn't have done this without you and your many novelty certificates.

6. Well, this has certainly been a big year for the Rabitowitz marriage.

7. It certainly has.

8. But now it's New Year's Eve and, Katie, my New Year's resolution to you

9. is to spend more time with my wonderful wife, who I—

10. - I gotta take this.

11. - Oh, um, but— - Hello.

12. Hey, partner, big news. Huge news.

13. I'm all ears.

14. The Flight of the Pegasus just lost their lead.

15. They start shooting next week.

16. So what you're telling me is David Pincher needs a new star immediately

17. for his three-picture young adult dystopian future franchise?

18. Yup. What's that I hear?

19. Beep beep. Someone's calling on the other line.

20. That's strange. Hello?

21. It's Oodles of Money calling. Will we accept the charges?

22. Why would Oodles of Money be calling collect?

23. I don't know. Don't accept the charges, we cannot afford it.

24. I gotta go in. I'm sorry.

25. Okay. But make sure you're back before, you know.

26. Deal. Best deal I ever made.

27. Boom! What's black and white and sexy all over?

28. Chuff Hollister.

29. He's young, he's hot, he's Australian or British or whatever.

30. We can paint over his stripes so he looks like a horse.

31. I can see the headline now: Chuff Hollister is...

32. The next Pegasus.

33. BoJack's got star power and grit up the wazoo. I can't imagine...

34. Anyone who would appeal to the audience more than Chuff.

35. He's got sex appeal...

36. - Gravitas... - Youth...

37. - Experience... - And abs coming out of the wazoo.

38. And what a wazoo it is.

39. - This would put Gekko-Rabitowitz— - On the map.

40. The map of profitable agencies, that is.

41. Perfect, because without it we could be in—

42. Real trouble. We did not hit our projected earnings for the year.

43. The year's not over yet. We still have one day to go all out.

44. Rutabaga, do you think we have the spunk and moxie—

45. That's a good name for a lady detective series.

46. —required to pull this off and save the agency?

47. Hell yeah, I do.

48. That would be a great title for a movie about marrying Satan.

49. How are we losing money?

50. Vanessa, we're getting Chuff this part and coming out on top.

51. I know we will, because we're the good guys.

52. Suck a duck a duck a dick, dumbshit.

53. - Hey, Sarah Lynn. - Hey, loser.

54. Did you get a call about that Ethan Around thing?

55. - You're not gonna do it, are you? - I'm sorry, what thing?

56. Ethan Around, the Horsin' Around sequel series Brad's trying to get made?

57. He called to ask me, I asked him, can you put a bullet in my brain?

58. That would probably be a better career move.

59. Wait, slow down. Did you say Ethan Around?

60. I know. It should be Sabrina Around, right?

61. That's a show people would watch.

62. Sabrina doing cool skateboard tricks and eating kettle corn.

63. Hold on, if this was a real thing, why would Brad call you and not me?

64. Who knows? Why do people do anything?

65. Why did I make the cartoon tree grandma from Pocahontas my emergency contact?

66. Are you sure this whole thing isn't just a semi-lucid fever dream

67. from mixing the wrong pills?

68. Did you not hear? I'm clean and sober, eight months.

69. Really? That's incredible.

70. Yeah, I wanted a change in my life.

71. Because I heard if you stop doing drugs for a while,

72. the first time you do them again, it's amazing.

73. - What? No, just stay sober. - Ugh!

74. Whatever. Call me when you're ready to party.

75. Well, that's troubling.

76. Can you believe they're doing a Horsin' Around reboot without me?

77. What do you care? You're about to be nominated for an Oscar.

78. Not the point. This is about respect.

79. BoJack, is this really a good idea?

80. Tools. Brad speaking.

81. You're doing a new show in the extended Horsin' Around

82. cinematic universe and you didn't call me?

83. Hey, BoJack. Ethan Around is just an idea I had.

84. It's not officially happening or anything.

85. I would love for you to be part of it, but the horse died in the series finale.

86. So? We could write around that. The Horse dying was just a dream.

87. The Horse had a twin brother, comes back as a ghost.

88. Ethan missed the Horse so much he built a robot Horse as a tribute.

89. "I've heard of overloaded motherboards, but this is ridiculous."

90. Those are off the top of my head, they're all gold.

91. I'm surprised you're so into the idea.

92. I've been having trouble getting networks on the phone,

93. but with a big star like you attached, we could sell this right away.

94. I wouldn't say I'm attached...

95. Don't move. I'm getting the next flight down to LA.

96. - Right now? - And purchased.

97. BoJack, for the last 20 years

98. I've been telling people I didn't need the trappings of fame,

99. that I was better off, happy with my little B-plus life

100. at my little B-plus hardware store in little B-plus Olympia, Washington.

101. B-minus children. But it's a lie.

102. I miss the warmth of the spotlight on my face.

103. The thrill of telling a joke and feeling it land.

104. Is that a thrill you experienced?

105. The sitcom stage is my home, and I'm tired of denying myself that.

106. I'm ready to come home.

107. Great.

108. - Why did you let me call him? - Ugh.

109. Ah, smell that Labrador Peninsula air. Keep an eye out for my brother.

110. - How will I know which one's him? - He's the one that looks like me.

111. - Got it. - Who's that dog? Mister P—

112. - Hello? - Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter.

113. Is this an okay time to talk business?

114. Yeah, I'm just waiting for Captain Peanutbutter.

115. What is that, like, a cereal?

116. No, my brother.

117. - He's picking us up at the airport. - Nice.

118. Speaking of driving people places,

119. Cabracadabra had a killer holiday season

120. and I think New Year's is going to be even bigger.

121. I'm loving that segue, Todd. You are a conversational Magellan.

122. Turns out there's a huge demand for a safe space for women. Who knew?

123. Honestly, never would've crossed my mind.

124. So I was thinking, what's the next step?

125. What if we made our safe space for women...

126. also available to men?

127. That's an untapped market.

128. All right, then it's agreed.

129. No goodbye?

130. He's a conversational Amelia Earhart.

131. Mr. Peanutbutter and Captain Peanutbutter in the same room?

132. What is this, a flashback episode?

133. Captain Peanutbutter, you old so-and-so.

134. - Get over here. - Careful.

135. Where's Mrs. Captain Peanutbutter?

136. She's in Alaska running the Iditarod. She sends her love.

137. And this noogie.

138. Whoo!

139. Diane, this is my big brother.

140. Big brother? I'm five minutes older.

141. And you always will be.

142. It's nice to meet you, Captain.

143. Hey, put that thing away. You're family.

144. - Oh!

145. So David Pincher is about to shoot the Flight of the Pegasus trilogy

146. in New Zealand, and BoJack is perfect for the lead.

147. A part like that would really underline

148. that BoJack's more than just an actor, he's a movie star.

149. If I'm doing that, I conveniently won't be able

150. to do that dumb-ass Ethan Around show.

151. Use that when you tell him I won't do it.

152. Why don't you tell him you don't want to do it?

153. I can't. I'm like a father figure to him—

154. I slept with his mother.

155. - Gross. - No.

156. I slept with her 20 years ago. She was young then, not gross.

157. Ugh!

158. Hey, loved you in The Caveman's Valentine.

159. - Hmm? - Nothing? The Caveman's Valentine?

160. Samuel L. Jackson had that big beard? Look it up.

161. - When you start laughing, call me. - Will do.

162. Do we have an offer on the Pegasus movie?

163. I'll get it, Kalamata. Don't get your pita in a wad.

164. Wow. Flight of the Pegasus.

165. This must be what Robert Downey Jr. felt like

166. when he woke up on that stranger's bathroom floor

167. and found out he was gonna be Iron Man.

168. It's another unseasonably warm day in the Labrador Peninsula

169. and things are looking sunny all the way to the new year.

170. It really is true what they say...

171. Nothing bad ever happens on the Labrador Peninsula.

172. Oh, paradise.

173. Uncle Mister. Uncle Mister.

174. Now who let these little monsters onto my peninsula?

175. We're your nephews.

176. What? I don't remember my nephews being made out of candy.

177. - Gobble, gobble, gobble.

178. Look at those children. Little miracles, right?

179. They're adorable, not that I value them based on their looks.

180. Because, of course,

181. children in society today are often reduced to their cuteness.

182. I can't wait to get to know your children as people,

183. so I can specifically compliment them individually

184. on the foundation of their characters.

185. Well, one day they'll die, just like us.

186. Uh...

187. - Do you believe in the soul? - What?

188. Life is the most precious resource we have. Remember that, Diane.

189. Okay.

190. Pretty great, right?

191. Did you tell your brother about the A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N?

192. The audition? No, I could never tell him about that.

193. He thinks I'm offer-only, it would break his heart.

194. Wait, what audition?

195. - No, the abortion. - Oh, no. Should I have?

196. He said some weird stuff to me earlier.

197. The kind of stuff you'd hear in a sad Creed song.

198. Or a happy Elliott Smith song.

199. Oh, he's probably just razzing ya, but he's a good dog. All bark, no bite.

200. Sorry, that's a Labrador expression. I guess in human terms it would be:

201. He's all talk, and no shooting you with an assault rifle.

202. Is that what you think humans do?

203. Am I wrong?

204. Boom! This is David Pincher.

205. And this is everyone who works for him.

206. Now unfortunately for us,

207. everyone on this board must really like their boss's movies,

208. because for the holidays, they're all Gone Girl.

209. Thank you, except for her. Boom.

210. The assistant to David Pincher's casting director.

211. Wait a second, I know that face. Why does she look so familiar?

212. - Oh, fish. - Oh, fish.

213. So when I found out that the best assistant I ever had

214. was working for David Pincher,

215. I mean, what are the odds?

216. Did he hire you because of your cute little Benjamin Button-nose?

217. I'll put in a good word for BoJack, but I'm just an assistant.

218. Just an assistant? Laura, assistants are everything.

219. You're the first people in, the last people out.

220. You know everyone's real name, age, nose, teeth, and tits.

221. You have power, because in today's economy the only true power is information.

222. I want you to use that power.

223. I want you to get your boss to pick BoJack as his Pegasus.

224. I always believed in you, Laura.

225. The question is: do you believe in yourself?

226. Wow, that's— I'm sorry, did you just make that up?

227. Because that was— Is that a speech you had ready to go?

228. - Will you do this for me? - Of course.

229. You went to bat for me when I tried to get a promotion at Vigor.

230. I pushed so hard for you. I did everything I could.

231. I mean, we gals gotta look out for each other. Right?

232. Right.

233. So you're talking about a merger?

234. Since my dad croaked I've been running Vigor myself,

235. and I've been doing a pretty good job, A-minus/B-plus.

236. But I could use a few more experienced hands to help guide the ship,

237. - because being a boss is really hard. - Yes.

238. Princess Carolyn can be a proud woman. I'm glad you came to me first.

239. I would have gone to her directly,

240. but sometimes she yells at me and I do not like being yelled at

241. and that is just something that people need to understand about me.

242. I'll talk to her, when the time is right.

243. So on the new show Ethan is the dad, and he's raising three little horses.

244. You couldn't have told me this over the phone?

245. This show is going to change my life.

246. I'm taking the kids out of school and moving everyone down here.

247. I just had an offer accepted on a house in Sherman Oaks.

248. As long as I don't change my mind before the new year, boom.

249. Two million dollars, gone.

250. - The new year? That's tonight. - I know.

251. Did you talk to my agent by any chance?

252. - No. - She didn't call you?

253. I talked to her, and I don't know if she wants me to do it.

254. You know how agents are.

255. Just remember, I'm not the bad guy here.

256. I hear you loud and clear.

257. Don't worry. We won't take no for an answer.

258. I think my schedule's gonna be tough— Might be going to New Zealand.

259. We'll work around your schedule.

260. Those bastards got my quote so damn high.

261. We'll pay it. No obstacle is insurmountable.

262. - As long as you want to do it. - And I do want to do it.

263. Get me out of this thing.

264. This asshole's giving me everything I ask for. What a nightmare.

265. - Tell him you don't want to do the show. - I can't. It would destroy him.

266. Destroying people is what I pay you to do,

267. so I don't think about the people I'm destroying.

268. Do you not know what an agent is?

269. - BoJack, are you okay in there?

270. Is it number one or number two?

271. That cat's running circles around us. What are we going to do?

272. Maybe we can distract her? I'm thinking laser pointer.

273. If we're going to beat her, we need to think like her.

274. Instead of convincing the Pegasus people they don't want BoJack,

275. what if we convince BoJack he doesn't want Pegasus?

276. Fantastic. How do we do that?

277. Kelsey.

278. Kelsey? That's what I said when they said you wanted to meet with me.

279. I figured you never wanted to see me again.

280. I never want to see anyone again,

281. but there's a book I've been trying to turn into a movie and I need your help.

282. It's a coming-of-age story about a girl who likes jellybeans.

283. The option expires tonight at midnight,

284. unless I can find a big enough star to secure funding.

285. Frankly, I already gave up on it.

286. Then my agent said, "Maybe BoJack's interested."

287. So the reason you think I'm right for the role

288. is because I'm a big enough star to secure funding?

289. Don't get smart, BoJack. You're not good at it.

290. You're really giving the hard sell here.

291. I hear they've got you locked in to some fantasy dystopia thing.

292. Are you just gonna do stupid bullshit for the rest of your life?

293. For work or, like, in general?

294. I saw something in you, something most people don't know you have,

295. and it kills me that instead of sharing it with the world,

296. you want to hide it under some wonderland unicorn nonsense.

297. It's a Pegasus. Unicorns are for babies.

298. The movie I want to make isn't glamorous or sexy.

299. You don't get to be the big hero everybody loves.

300. You get to be a guy who works at a gas station,

301. who gets in a fight with his daughter about jellybeans.

302. That's the whole movie. It's small and it's real.

303. And you'd get to work with a director who sees you.

304. And I can't sell it any better than that.

305. You're right, that one scene we shot that didn't even make it

306. into the Secretariat movie was the best thing I ever did.

307. Why am I wasting my time with this other stuff?

308. - So you're in? - Let's do it.

309. Great. How's your little friend with the face?

310. Is he up to his old tricks, getting into scrapes?

311. What a little scamp. Will you tell him I said hi?

312. Kelsey's movie sounds perfect.

313. Is it the nobody's-gonna-see-it element or the fact you'll be working for peanuts?

314. This jellybean thing could show the world that BoJack's more than just a movie star.

315. - He's an actor. - Yeah, well, that's great,

316. but I've been working all day on getting him the Pegasus movie

317. you said would show the world he's a movie star.

318. I don't want that anymore. I want to do something real.

319. You realize how much money we'd be walking away from?

320. This isn't about money. Doesn't matter to me.

321. - Yeah, it doesn't matter to you. - Right. So what's the problem?

322. Maybe you can find a way for BoJack to do both?

323. You're supposed to be this amazing agent, after all.

324. I'll see what I can do.

325. New beers for the new year's?

326. We got a regular Maya Angelou over here.

327. Good times.

328. - Oh, it's Todd. Gotta take this.

329. - Maybe you can call him back later? - Todd!

330. Don't be too long, or I'm gonna drink all your beer.

331. Diane, do you ever look up at the stars

332. and feel like they're tiny holes in the sky,

333. sucking out all the oxygen, and suddenly you can't breathe

334. because you're thinking about how small you are and how meaningless it all is?

335. Uh... I guess.

336. It's so cruel to let people love you.

337. All you're doing is promising you'll one day break their hearts.

338. Cool fire pit.

339. So it turns out men love safe spaces for women even more than women do.

340. You gotta read some of these comments. Queefburglar69 says:

341. "These sexy lady chauffeurs always get me where I need to go."

342. That's unambiguous.

343. The only problem is some of the drivers have been complaining

344. about the new customer base.

345. The workers are allowed to complain? We gotta tighten up that ship.

346. Most of the new passengers are perfect gentlemen,

347. but we've found that a growing number are rating our drivers

348. not on performance but on "bangability",

349. which creates an unfair advantage for our "bangable" drivers

350. and creates what some of our more homely employees

351. have dubbed a hostile sexy-ocracy. Whoa!

352. Well, our first priority is creating a safe space for women,

353. so if our women don't feel safe in that space,

354. we should replace them with women who do.

355. Where can we find women who are comfortable around gentlemen?

356. I know. A gentleman's club.

357. That's perfect.

358. To Whale World.

359. Well, you didn't hear it from me,

360. but I pulled some strings and you're in.

361. I always knew you were a superstar.

362. Let's get drinks in the new year

363. and work out the deets— That's a fast way of saying details

364. for people who don't have time for every detail of the word details.

365. Vanessa Gekko on line two.

366. Great, put that raggedy-ass bitch on.

367. I'm gonna bat her around like a ball of foil.

368. I know you're excited, but we are still in a very precarious position,

369. and I wonder if foil-ball-batting is the best tack here.

370. Judah, this is where I live. Watch and learn.

371. Hey, we heard BoJack and Kelsey had a great meeting on Jelly Belle.

372. Gotta tie this up tonight if it's going to happen.

373. BoJack would love to do the movie,

374. but you're gonna have to work around his Pegasus schedule.

375. Oh, um... That might be tricky.

376. Then you're gonna have to match his Pegasus quote.

377. - He won't do it for a penny less. - Princess Carolyn—

378. Even with a star like BoJack, Kelsey can't get that kind of money.

379. Well, then, work around his schedule.

380. You're overplaying your hand, PC, and I'm calling your bluff.

381. I'm barreling towards you fast, Gekko, and this Mack truck ain't gonna blink.

382. That's not fair. I was clearly establishing a poker metaphor,

383. you just changed it to a game of chicken.

384. My court. My rules.

385. Court? What game are you playing?

386. Bye.

387. - Damn it! - Question:

388. Am I the faulty bike tire pump I had in seventh grade?

389. Because I just blew this thing wide open.

390. - Talk to me, soldier. - I have been scouring old emails.

391. I didn't know what I was looking for. I knew there was something.

392. And I found it. Bam!

393. Hot shit on a ham sandwich, this is amazing!

394. Sweet crap on a croissant, Katie's going into labor!

395. Go, I'll take care of this. Family comes first.

396. Thank you. You make me stronger.

397. Why is my house filled with sexy orcas?

398. It's the Cabracadabra New Year's party. These are our drivers.

399. Oh. Uh, where's Emily?

400. She left. She said she didn't feel comfortable here.

401. She certainly didn't feel comfortable paying for the food she ate.

402. Yeah, okay, BoJack.

403. I got champagne for my real friends, 'cause that's what you are.

404. - A real friend. - He doesn't want to do your show.

405. - What? - BoJack is about to win an Oscar.

406. Why do you think he would want to do your soon-to-fail sitcom

407. about the further adventures of a carb-faced nobody?

408. - Oh, maybe— - You are not a television star.

409. You have no talent and I am forgetting your face even as I'm looking at it.

410. Pack your bags. Go back to Nowheresville.

411. Thank you for the champagne. Best regards, Ana Spanakopita.

412. Oh, God, the house! I gotta pull my deposit! Pick up—

413. Oh, no. I dropped my phone in a bog.

414. Something is going on with your brother. You need to talk to him.

415. We don't really have the kind of relationship where we talk about things.

416. Labs prefer to keep things playful.

417. You know what they say about dogs? Talking to each other is rrruff.

418. I'm serious, Mr. Peanutbutter.

419. And I'm serious that you should drop it.

420. If something was really wrong, he would tell me about it.

421. Would he?

422. I know he's your brother, but he's hiding something from you.

423. Why do you think you know my brother better than I do?

424. Just because you have a shitty relationship with your family

425. doesn't mean every other family has to have drama too.

426. I wanted to come up here and have a nice time.

427. This place is an escape for me.

428. - Okay, I'm sorry, I just— - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

429. I should not have shouted at you. I just...

430. I need to go for a walk.

431. - Oh, hey. - Hey, is there something going on?

432. Because I know there isn't, but if there is, you would tell me, right?

433. But there's nothing to tell,

434. because nothing bad ever happens on the Labrador Peninsula.

435. - Okay, I think you should sit down. - Why?

436. - I need to talk to you. Sit down. - I will not sit down.

437. - Mr. Peanutbutter, sit. - Okay.

438. - I got a twisted spleen. - No.

439. It's not fatal, necessarily. Everything's gonna be fine.

440. They still have to run some tests.

441. - But it's going to be fine? - Yeah.

442. Promise me it's going to be fine? You're my big brother.

443. That means you can't lie to me about this.

444. Mr. Peanutbutter, you are the best runt of the litter a guy could ask for.

445. No, don't do this.

446. - But there might come a time... - Please.

447. when you're going to have to be the captain.

448. What is this, a very special episode?

449. What? What do you mean? What happened?

450. It's a no-go on BoJack for Pegasus.

451. I don't understand, Laura. I...

452. I just wanted you to know. I did everything I could.

453. - Hey. - Look...

454. If you didn't wanna do my movie, you should have just told me.

455. I do want to do your movie.

456. Oh, yeah? Why did your agent keep demanding more money?

457. - What? - The option's expired and I'm screwed.

458. Ugh! Why did I get my hopes up? Why do I keep letting you get my hopes up?

459. Kelsey, this is a mistake.

460. It's a mistake I keep making. Next time, BoJack?

461. Do a girl a favor, don't break her heart by inches.

462. Do it all at once. It'll save everyone some time.

463. Huh?

464. Ten, nine, eight...

465. Oh, good, you're still here.

466. I wanted to get a head start on the 2016 budget.

467. It'll be a challenge, but assuming BoJack books Pegasus—

468. BoJack didn't book Pegasus.

469. - So he's doing the jellybean movie? - That fell apart, too.

470. We're gonna have to cut some costs.

471. Our social media division is a luxury we can no longer afford.

472. If things don't perk up the first quarter, we might be looking at broader layoffs.

473. - Do you ever read a room? - I'm sorry, is this a bad time?

474. Is midnight on New Year's a bad time? I don't know.

475. Why don't you run that through your robot analysis protocol?

476. Get back to me once you've assessed the data.

477. I am not a robot. I am a human being.

478. You want to make some cuts? Why don't you cut that stupid beard?

479. Everyone who walks in here thinks this place is run by a homeless person.

480. I apologize if my appearance or demeanor is unprofessional.

481. No, you're perfect. Everybody's perfect except for me.

482. Go home, Judah.

483. - Would you like me to shave the beard? - Just go home, Judah.

484. Happy New Year, Princess Carolyn.

485. Hello, little ones. Mama loves you.

486. And you. And you. And you.

487. - They're so beautiful. - And you, and you, and you.

488. - Rutabaga, we got it. - Yeah?

489. Chuff Hollister is the new Pegasus. We saved the agency.

490. - That's incredible, honey. - Wow, everything worked out.

491. You gotta love a happy ending.