BoJack Horseman 3x11

1. Good morning, morning.

2. Good morning, sun. Good morning, trees.

3. Good morning, busy buzzy bees.

4. Good morning, Sarah Lynn. Good to see you, Sarah Lynn.

5. The tulips and chrysanthemums are really coming in.

6. Good morning, handsome garden ants.

7. I like the way you plant my plants.

8. Your flowers make my feelings dance. I like your handsome planter pants.

9. Goddamn it! Why won't you—?

10. It's okay.

11. Sarah Lynn, you are calm, you are thin.

12. Your skin is so soft, it's like you murdered a baby and stole its skin.

13. Your skin is "murdered-baby" soft.

14. Okay.

15. Blueberry, goji berry, flax,

16. chia, shark fin, and... white rhino horn.

17. Sober, so good.

18. - Oh.

19. - BoJack? - Hey, Sarah Lynn.

20. - You wanna party? - Oh, thank God. Yes!

21. Okay, hand me the açai.

22. - Is that how you pronounce it? - Who knows?

23. They should really just call them "overpriced blueberries for douchebags."

24. - Ow. - How's life?

25. - Well, the truth is that... - Didn't catch that, but everything's cool?

26. No. In fact, I've never felt so alone—

27. Sorry, missed it! You should learn to talk louder, dude!

28. Oh, hey, bummer about you getting the nomination,

29. but then, it turning out that you didn't get the nomination.

30. It was big news yesterday.

31. Yeah, I got royally screwed, know who was there for me?

32. No one, because everyone's an asshole and the whole world sucks balls.

33. - Anyway, thanks for having me over. - I'm with you, man.

34. Everything sucks! Especially sobriety. Why would I make my body a temple?

35. I've been to Temple. Temple is super boring.

36. What do you say we go on an epic bender?

37. Yes! Let's get higher than a stilt walker's dick!

38. That's what I'm talking about. Let's get some booze and drugs.

39. We can clear out my bank account. I got nothing left I care about.

40. What do you mean "get"? This whole house is booze and drugs.

41. - Here. - Yogurt-covered raisins?

42. - Nope. Vicodin-covered Vicodin. - Oh!

43. - LSD. - Wow.

44. - Yah! Crystal meth. - Ha-ha!

45. Ee-yah!

46. Cocaine— No! That's drywall.

47. Ugh! Where the hell did I hide the cocaine?

48. Oh, yeah, I also told the liquor store to deliver.

49. To nine months of sobriety.

50. To life and being done with it!

51. Okay, okay. What about this one?

52. Remember when Erika Eleniak

53. guest starred as Goober's cousin from out of town,

54. and Brad had a boner for the whole episode?

55. - What? No. - You can totally see it in every scene.

56. Cold open, boner! Act one, boner!

57. Commercial break— "Hello, we're from the Wheaties corporation!" Back to boners!

58. Okay, we'll put it on the list. We gotta watch that one.

59. What about the one where the writers made Joelle dress up like a pumpkin,

60. and the whole episode was fat jokes, so then Joelle got an eating disorder?

61. Everything was so much simpler back then.

62. She had to go to a clinic. She missed, like, five episodes.

63. We didn't know how good we had it.

64. We got to come to work and have fun every day,

65. and we weren't worried about our legacy or awards.

66. because buildings are supposed to be rectangles, goddamn it!

67. Wait, what were we talking about?

68. We were talking about Horsin' Around.

69. Then, you had to go pee.

70. Then, you came back covered in toilet paper

71. and pretended to be a mummy.

72. Then, you took it all off because you decided Egypt was stupid,

73. especially pyramids,

74. because you think triangle buildings are, and I quote, "gauche as shit."

75. That does sound like me, but I don't remember any of that.

76. I must have blacked out. Maybe I should lay off the alcohol for—

77. and I said, "You're sitting on the pizza, Mr. President."

78. - Whoa! I think I just had another one. - Another what? Pizza?

79. No, blackout. The thing we were just talking about.

80. - Try to keep up here. - Oh...

81. Boom! Boner! Pay up! What did I tell you?

82. That's not a boner. It's a shadow.

83. Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson today

84. about the Armenian genocide.

85. The Armenian genocide was too much, man!

86. All right! Next episode.

87. Why can't life be like it was on Horsin' Around?

88. All our issues conveniently settled in 22 hilarious minutes.

89. You know, it's amazing that it's legal for kids to be actors.

90. How is that not child labor? I didn't know what I was signing up for.

91. - I was three. - This is getting me depressed.

92. - Let's do something fun. - Oh! Okay, you know what really kicks ass?

93. The planetarium!

94. You get crazy high in the parking lot,

95. then you go in and get your mind blown by all the trippy galaxies and shit.

96. That sounds stupid. I'm gonna be in charge of the fun.

97. No, no, no! That was drywall.

98. Jesus, we have to start marking our drugs more clearly.

99. - Let's just take a box of whiskey and go. - Whoo!

100. It was just so hard. - Wha—? What the—?

101. I was stuck in a terrifying cycle of drinking, lifting my head up,

102. drinking, lifting my head up, drinking, lifting my head up.

103. Coffee, stale donuts, attention hogs telling boring stories about themselves?

104. - Jesus! Are we at a 12-step meeting? - Now, you're a detective?

105. Last night, you couldn't even solve the mystery of where the toilet is.

106. So, all our partying was an elaborate trick

107. just to get me to go sober?

108. No, Detective Pukes in the Washing Machine.

109. You're here because I couldn't leave you alone in my house,

110. and I had to come today.

111. Gotta get my nine-month chip.

112. Chip? We've been wasted for... 31 hours?

113. That's no reason for me to not get my chip.

114. That's literally exactly the reason you shouldn't get your chip.

115. Nowhere in the 12 steps does it say to not drink.

116. That's not actually one of the steps. Loophole.

117. Take a swig.

118. If you have to listen to losers talk about their shitty sober lives,

119. it's a lot more fun to be buzzed.

120. And I realized people don't change because they want to change.

121. They change because they have to change.

122. Oh, God. Boo!

123. Oh, booing is generally frowned upon here.

124. How else am I supposed to express how boring these stories are?

125. My name is Simon and I'm an alcoholic.

126. Hi, Simon.

127. My rock bottom was when I actually woke up under a rock.

128. Can't get lower than that.

129. Come on! You people call yourself drunks?

130. Most of this is stuff I do on a daily basis completely sober.

131. Trust me, pal, we've done some awful things.

132. One time, I didn't want my friend to move out,

133. so I used character actress Ann Dowd to help me sabotage his hip-hopera.

134. Oh, please, that's baby stuff.

135. You so-called drunks want something to feel shitty about?

136. - BoJack, maybe we should go. - I got somethin' for ya. Whoa.

137. My name is BoJack.

138. Hi, BoJack.

139. Oh, like you didn't know?

140. Anyway, I once went all the way down to New Mexico to see a woman that I knew,

141. and she had a young daughter, Penny.

142. Penny Carson. That's her real name. You can look her up. I don't care.

143. And first, I tried to sleep with the mom, but she said no.

144. - Then, I tried to sleep with the daughter.

145. Then, the mom walked in on me trying to sleep with the daughter,

146. and I was like, "Oopsie-doopsie! Exit stage right!"

147. Oh, God.

148. The worst part is, I don't even know what happened after I left.

149. Did I ruin the family? Did I scar that little girl for life?

150. I don't know. I'll never know.

151. And that's just, like, one of a billion things

152. that I have going through my head all the time.

153. So, anyone got a better story than that?

154. Wow.

155. Didn't think so, bitches.

156. Where's my trophy, or chip, or whatever?

157. - Whoa!

158. That was impressive, BoJack.

159. I've never seen them cancel an AA meeting because everyone got bummed out before.

160. Uh, what are you talking about?

161. You told everyone about that Penny chick.

162. Then, you went on and on about how you're never going to change.

163. Then, you chased the slug around, threatening to pour salt on his head.

164. - I talked about Penny? - Hey! We've all done shitty stuff before.

165. Most of us aren't as proud of it as you seem to be.

166. I'm not proud. I feel really terrible that I might have really messed that girl up.

167. Oh, she's fine. I looked her up on Facebook.

168. She's going to Oberlin,

169. likes Thai food and the smell of a fire on the first really cold day of winter.

170. That doesn't mean anything. Everyone likes the smell of fire

171. on the first cold day of winter.

172. You know, I used to feel just like you before I got into this "12 steps" thing.

173. They taught me how to make amends.

174. You just say you're sorry for the things you did

175. and you get a clean slate.

176. - So, what? Just dirty up the slate again. - Then, you just make amends again.

177. It's a never-ending cycle,

178. where you always end up feeling good about yourself.

179. No! - You know what?

180. This may be the nitrous and bath salts talking,

181. but I want to do some more nitrous and bath salts.

182. And then, let's make some goddamn amends.

183. Maybe you should start with the family whose playhouse you just smashed.

184. Oh, no! - Oh. Hey, kid!

185. I'm sorry your lame dad built such a cheap-ass playhouse!

186. Yeah, you gotta use parallel joints to support that foundation, dumbshit!

187. - Also, suck a dick! - You know what? I do feel better.

188. - I don't think they're home. - So, we wait.

189. I need to make amends to Diane, and we're not leaving until I do.

190. But it's boring out here, and I'm hungry and I'm bored!

191. I bet they have food inside.

192. Let's see if I still have that spare key. Here it is.

193. - Yes!

194. Okay, after we get food,

195. remind me that this is another thing I need to make amends for.

196. Where are those two?

197. They did not keep their fridge stocked enough

198. for two stoned people waiting around for hours.

199. It's only been, like, ten minutes. You have a real thing with food.

200. That's what happens when you mix the appetite of a horse

201. with the appetite of someone with a hole inside him

202. that needs to be constantly filled with attention, food, and sex.

203. - Pass the Bugles. - There's no more Bugles.

204. There's no more of anything. Let's just go.

205. - I can't leave until I make amends. I got a idea!

206. My name is BoJack's friend What's-Her-Face and I wear glasses.

207. Do you have something to say to me, BoJack?

208. - Am I BoJack or Mr. Peanutbutter? - You can be anyone you want.

209. This is your dream... dream... dream...

210. Stop doing that. We're both awake. Let's just get to this.

211. Diane, I'm sorry I said mean things to you.

212. That's cool. I forgive you. Wait, would my character say that?

213. What's Diane's deal again? She's, like, an Asian Daria?

214. - She's a little more complex. - But she's basically Asian Daria, right?

215. With the glasses and the jacket and her whole "blah" thing.

216. Okay, shut up. Now, I'll be Mr. Peanutbutter

217. and you make amends to me.

218. Who's Mr. Peanutbutter?

219. And, now, you be Mr. Carolyn and I'll be Princess Diana.

220. - Oh, yeah. Good idea.

221. Um... should we do something about this?

222. Hey, why don't you two sleep this off in our guest room?

223. Oh, my God, that mirror is talking to us!

224. You can't stop us, us from the future!

225. - We're making amends, assholes!

226. Ow! Come on!

227. - That felt so good! - See?

228. When you make amends, don't you just feel lighter?

229. Well, I also ate a shit ton of Bugles, so no.

230. But I do feel like we got to the bottom of who really killed Princess Di.

231. - It was all of us. - Next stop, Todd!

232. Todd, I'm sorry. I want to take full responsibility for what happened,

233. even though it is not my fault and I did nothing wrong.

234. Emily is an adult woman who can make her own choices.

235. And besides, are you even really into girls?

236. - I mean, what is your deal? - Uh...

237. - Hey, what are you doing with our son? - Uh...

238. Wait, you're BoJack Horseman.

239. I am, and this is my best buddy Todd.

240. That movie star has really taken a shine to our boy.

241. You think this is our big break?

242. You don't think he's inappropriately interested, do you?

243. What? No. But if he is, that could also be a big break.

244. I'm just saying.

245. - Hey, wait! - Hold on. Where are you going?

246. - Come back. - You want to take Todd for a sleepover?

247. - Sleepover? - No offense, Todd,

248. but your parents are creeping me out.

249. To the next amends!

250. - What do you want, BoJack? - I don't know.

251. I'm very drunk and a little nauseous,

252. but if I'm here in your house, it must be to make amends.

253. - Amends... for what? - I don't know.

254. Whatever it is that you think I did to make you disappear.

255. - BoJack— - How could you leave me like that

256. when I needed you most?

257. I'm sorry, BoJack. I thought you were a winner. I was wrong.

258. This is hard for me, too. I staked my reputation—

259. No, this is not about the Oscar campaign.

260. How could you think that this is about the Oscar campaign?

261. We had something more, didn't we?

262. - You've been drinking. - Well, not just drinking.

263. Yes, Ana, I'm a mess.

264. Whoa! I am a broken, screwed-up misfit toy,

265. and you act all in control,

266. but I know that, deep down, you're broken, too.

267. And I don't know why you won't just give us a chance to be broken together.

268. What about that doesn't appeal to you?

269. BoJack, when I was in college, I had a job as a lifeguard...

270. Wait, did we just go to Ana's house? Did I get closure?

271. If by "closure" you mean I lit her ottoman on fire, then yes.

272. We gotta go back.

273. - What the hell? - I know I was just here,

274. but I feel like you told me some important story

275. that explained everything about us.

276. Unfortunately, I totally spaced it.

277. Gotta be honest. I've had a couple beers.

278. Ugh! All right, I'll tell you again, if it'll make you leave.

279. When I was a lifeguard, I...

280. - Oh, crud. - You want to go back to Ana's, don't you?

281. I feel like I'll definitely get it this time.

282. Lifeguard...

283. - One more time? - No. This time I wrote it down.

284. "I'm a lifeguard. This woman's house smells weird, or is that me?

285. Pay attention, Sarah Lynn.

286. Don't do that thing where you write down your thoughts

287. instead of what the person is actually saying.

288. I wonder if it's time to get my boobs done again."

289. - Mm-hmm. That's very helpful.

290. Thank you. Who's next?

291. I'm sorry!

292. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

293. I'm sorry!

294. Okay, so I know I keep bothering you tonight.

295. Tonight? I haven't seen you in two weeks.

296. Oh, really?

297. I just need to know what you were trying to tell me about being a lifeguard,

298. and then, I'll leave and you'll never see me again.

299. Mmm...

300. After I almost drowned, I decided I would never again be weaker than water.

301. So, I became a lifeguard.

302. On my first day of training, my instructor told me

303. that there are going to be times when you'll see someone in trouble.

304. You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them,

305. but you have to stop yourself,

306. because there are some people you can't save.

307. 'Cause those people will thrash and struggle

308. and try to take you down with them.

309. What does that have to do with me?

310. What the—? Where the hell are we now?

311. - Ohi— - Ojai?

312. - We drove all the way to Ojai? - Let me finish.

313. Ohi, and here's the kicker... O.

314. - Ohio. - We drove all the way to Ohio?

315. I wanted to go to the planetarium, but you demanded we come here.

316. You said you had to make one more amend, to that Penny girl.

317. What? No! That is a terrible idea.

318. - Let's turn this car around right now.

319. Uh...

320. - I feel we didn't turn the car around. - No, we did,

321. but then, you turned it back around

322. because you really wanted to find that deer girl,

323. so we decided to do a stakeout.

324. There was a whole makeover sequence, where we went to the mall

325. and tried on different trench coats for each other.

326. Do you not remember any of that?

327. This is insane. I already scarred her for life.

328. If I see her again, I'll just end up getting my horribleness all over her.

329. You think it's too late for me to go to college?

330. I always wanted to be an architect.

331. But one of those architects,

332. where, at night, she's a high-end call girl,

333. and, by day, she's an international superspy.

334. - So, when is she an architect? - I don't know. Frontier times?

335. No, I didn't mean what era.

336. If she's a call girl at night and a spy during the day—

337. - Hey, look, Penny. - Oh, God, what's she doing?

338. - Does she look emotionally damaged? - She's just going to the computer.

339. She's probably in a sex chat room with some middle-aged horse

340. because that's the only way she can still feel love.

341. - Yeah, probably. - Or she's so upset about what you did

342. that she's using the Internet to find ways to commit suicide.

343. That makes even more sense.

344. All right, we've established that you ruined her.

345. - Can we go back to L.A. now? - Yes.

346. So... obviously, I wanted to keep following Penny because I'm an idiot.

347. Let's just nip this in the bud.

348. I'm gonna write "Do not follow Penny" on my hands

349. in the unlikely scenario of my blacking out again.

350. I'll just write "Follow Penny" on this hand,

351. and then, on this hand, I'll write...

352. - Goddamn it! - What?

353. We're just doing what the hand said.

354. - Uh, what? - The hand demanded donuts.

355. There she is. - She's drinking beer.

356. Oh, God, this is just like the episode of Horsin' Around

357. when Olivia went to the frat party,

358. but Penny doesn't have a kind angel played by Jose Canseco

359. to help her get out of this jam!

360. Ugh. Okay, now, I'm bored again. Quit hoggin' the 'nocs.

361. She's just drinking Red Bull. Wait. Now, she's leaving.

362. - Hey, look, it's the Obertones!

363. Love your sound, dudes!

364. She seems... fine.

365. Too fine, like she's hiding a dark secret that's eating away at her soul.

366. Or, possibly... she's fine.

367. Maybe I didn't ruin her life.

368. Hey, you were a father figure, who was sexually inappropriate to me,

369. and I turned out perfect.

370. - Now, can we please go home? - Okay, good plan.

371. I'll just go pee out the last 20 beers. Whoa. Look at me, walking good.

372. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

373. No, no, no! Shush, shush.

374. - BoJack? - Oh!

375. - What are you doing here? - Hey, Penny!

376. - Did you come here to find me? - No, I—

377. You can't be here. I-I don't want to see you here.

378. I don't want to see you at all. I was 17. I didn't know any better.

379. - I tried— - You need to leave.

380. It's BoJack Horseman and Sarah Lynn!

381. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - BoJack, we need to get out of here now.

382. Can I get a selfie and another selfie if the first selfie doesn't look good?

383. - BoJack, over here!

384. Penny, no.

385. Penny?

386. You know, on the plus side, she really seemed okay.

387. Mm-hmm.

388. - Until she saw you and freaked out.

389. But she probably would have been totally fine if you'd never shown up.

390. - Oh, God. - I think the wound was completely healed

391. before you reopened it by showing up unannounced at her college

392. and all the pain came rushing back to her.

393. Oh, good Lord!

394. In a way, it's like you destroyed her life twice.

395. - Will you please stop talking about it? - Okay, fine.

396. Whoop.

397. Man, Ohio sucks!

398. Next time, could you almost molest someone who lives in Hawaii?

399. You could be bummed out at a luau right now.

400. Let's just go home.

401. - You got a bottle opener? - Glove compartment.

402. Well, I'll be a dick sucked by a dumbshit! What do we have here?

403. Oh, that? Turns out there's a brand of heroin called BoJack.

404. Dude, that's a big freaking deal.

405. Getting a drug named after you is cooler than getting an Oscar.

406. I mean, there's Billy Crystal Meth, Angel Dustin Hoffman,

407. Lucille Eightball and now you.

408. It's a rarefied breed, man. Congratulations!

409. - Thank you? - Oh, we have to do BoJack!

410. - It's too perfect. - I don't know.

411. There's that old saying. "Liquor before beer, never fear.

412. Don't do heroin."

413. "I'm BoJack. Please, put me inside you."

414. I'm not gonna shoot heroin with you, Sarah Lynn.

415. We can snort heroin like sophisticated adults.

416. Way ahead of you.

417. Okay, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving 2007.

418. Why did you just say what year it is?

419. I guess I just get nervous talking to network executives.

420. This last episode got the worst ratings yet.

421. I was afraid your character trying heroin would be a bridge too far.

422. - Oh. - And the disjointed blackout structure,

423. with the one flashback in the middle, really confused our audience.

424. Yeah.

425. They hated all the fourth-wall-breaking meta jokes.

426. Of course. Audiences hate meta jokes. When will comedy writers learn?

427. BoJack, I know there is an audience out there for our show.

428. We just need to find a way to get more people to check us out.

429. I know what you're thinking— Full frontal.

430. I was thinking guest star.

431. We need a celebrity who is incredibly popular right now, like—

432. - Oh, what about Sarah Lynn? - Ooh, that's genius!

433. Sarah Lynn? I don't know. I haven't spoken to her in years.

434. Besides, she's not gonna want to do this.

435. She's the world's biggest pop star.

436. She's the only hope we have to keep this show alive.

437. Would you ask her? I'm sure she'd do it for you.

438. You're like a father to her.

439. - So, what is it? - What is what?

440. You were mumbling about how you had to ask me something.

441. Oh! Um, never mind. Hey, how long have we known each other?

442. - Feels like our entire lives. - Well, my entire life, pretty much.

443. We were on a TV show. Isn't that insane?

444. Yeah, it's pretty wild.

445. You know, sometimes it feels like you're the only one who really understands me,

446. because how could anyone else?

447. Nobody knows what we went through, nobody who wasn't on that show.

448. But we knew each other before we were anybody,

449. and that's how we can be friends, because we're not like those other people.

450. The people who glom onto you because of who they think you are,

451. and they think they can sleep on your couch and eat your food.

452. They think you're gonna save their agency.

453. I never asked for that kind of pressure,

454. but you and me, we don't want anything from each other.

455. You know, I... I could never figure out what love meant,

456. but, right now, I don't need to figure out anything.

457. I just feel it. I love you, Sarah Lynn.

458. - Sarah Lynn?

459. - Sarah Lynn? - What?

460. - Oh, my God! Thank God you're okay! - I'm not okay. I'm bored.

461. This hotel room is boring!

462. What's on TV?

463. The Oscars are on. - Really?

464. - How long have we been on this bender? - I love the Oscars.

465. The red carpet, the fashion,

466. all the magic of Hollywoo wrapped up in one exciting night.

467. And the winner for Best Original Song is...

468. "The Silly Banana Song

469. from The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee by Sarah Lynn.

470. Get your ass up here, girl.

471. I won! Oh, my God! I forgot I was even nominated.

472. I accept this on her behalf.

473. And if you're watching this, Sarah Lynn,

474. wherever you are, please come home.

475. Oh, man, I should have been there.

476. When I was a kid, if you'd told me I'd win an Oscar,

477. I'd never have believed it.

478. And, now, I've done it and...

479. BoJack... I don't...

480. like anything about me.

481. - Hey. - None of this is me.

482. These boobs aren't me.

483. - This house isn't me. - We're not at your house right now.

484. The only reason I wear this shirt

485. is because some company paid me $8,000 to wear it.

486. And I don't even need the money.

487. I just liked that someone still wanted me to wear their shirt.

488. Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.

489. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do.

490. Am I doomed? Are you doomed? Are we all doomed?

491. No, no! Calm down. Nobody is doomed.

492. And I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go to the planetarium.

493. Really?

494. Our solar system formed about four and a half billion years ago...

495. - Isn't this place amazing? - Totally.

496. I always forget that there are more than just the six stars

497. you can see in the Los Angeles sky.

498. Yeah, that's cool, too, but I meant this building.

499. It's a giant dome. Domes are so cool.

500. I prefer rectangular buildings, as I firmly established.

501. I wanna be an architect.

502. be it horse, cat, human, or even lizard,

503. our lives are but the briefest flashes

504. in a universe that is billions of years old.

505. See, Sarah Lynn, we're not doomed.

506. In the great grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks

507. that will one day be forgotten.

508. So, it doesn't matter what we did in the past, or how we'll be remembered.

509. The only thing that matters is right now, this moment,

510. this one spectacular moment we are sharing together.

511. Right, Sarah Lynn?

512. Sarah Lynn?

513. Sarah Lynn?