BoJack Horseman 1x2

1. Say when.

2. When.

3. Yeah, you'll never guess who's here.

4. Think '90s.

5. No, BoJack Horseman from Horsin' Around.

6. No, I mean, he got a little fatter,

7. but it's definitely him.

8. He looks really sad. It's hilarious.

9. Get over here now.

10. I told you, I don't know where it is.

11. Don't put things in my butt if you want them back.

12. And hold for Princess Carolyn, please.

13. Thanks, Laura.

14. BoJack, it's your favorite agent.

15. Yeah, some agent, you couldn't even get me

16. in the room for War Horse.

17. There were, like, ten horses in that movie.

18. I didn't need to be the warhorse.

19. Listen, dummy, I want to make sure you're all set

20. for your first day with Diane tomorrow.

21. Is she gonna ask me a bunch of personal questions?

22. The woman we're paying to ghostwrite your memoir?

23. Yeah, probably.

24. Okay, all right, there's no need to get—

25. What, catty? Are you gonna say catty?

26. - I was not gonna say catty. - Oh, what were you gonna say?

27. I was gonna say catty because you're a cat.

28. Goodbye, BoJack.

29. Laura, I know you're listening. You got it, right?

30. Laura, do not respond to him. Goodbye, BoJack.

31. She got it.

32. Oh, my God. Take another one.

33. Take another one.

34. Excuse me, I just wanted you to know

35. that you ruined someone else's night tonight,

36. and I hope you have enough decency

37. to at least feel a little bit crappy about it.

38. Excuse me?

39. I was actually already in a bad mood,

40. but I thought maybe for one night,

41. I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself,

42. but now because of you and your friends,

43. I feel more self-conscious than ever.

44. If we were bothering you so much,

45. why didn't you just leave?

46. Because I didn't think of that, and now I feel stupid.

47. Look, I have a right to be here.

48. No!

49. Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty,

50. you're used to getting away with things,

51. but I want you to know that your actions

52. have an effect on others, and I hate you,

53. and you are a horrible person,

54. and you not understanding that you're a horrible person

55. doesn't make you less of a horrible person.

56. You think I'm pretty?

57. Well, that was another in a long series

58. of regrettable life choices.

59. What'd you say?

60. I was tweeting about all the weird stuff you do in bed.

61. - Good morning. - Ah!

62. Why are you here?

63. I slept here.

64. Yeah, but why are you still here?

65. Breakfast.

66. That better not be my last Toaster Strudel.

67. No, there were three left.

68. Well, get out of here.

69. My memoirist is gonna show up soon,

70. and I don't need you—

71. - What's your name? - Pam.

72. I don't need you Pam-ing up the place when she gets here.

73. - Hey, BoJack. - Ah! Why are you here?

74. - You told me to come at 9:00. - That doesn't sound like me.

75. I have your email right here.

76. "Diane, why don't you come over Tuesday morning at 9:00?

77. Also, you should bring this email with you

78. because I might not remember it because I just took

79. a bunch of horse tranquilizers, ha ha.

80. Also, please don't put in my book

81. that I use horse tranquilizers, ha ha.

82. I just use a small dose to help me fall asleep at night

83. and then a much, much larger dose

84. to get me through the day.

85. Also, I'm drunk.

86. Also, I'm alone, so alone, so, so alone.

87. Please don't put that in my book,

88. book, book, book 'em, dildo.

89. Does it taste like magenta in here?"

90. Then I think you fell asleep on the keyboard

91. because it just says the letter "B" 27 times.

92. That does sound like me.

93. Well, anyway, this is my businessperson...

94. Excuse me?

95. Here to help me with some business needs.

96. - All very above board. - Uh, what'd you say?

97. No need to mention her in the book either,

98. unless it's a business book.

99. Ha ha, classic BoJack.

100. Why are you here?

101. Oh, funny story, I'm filming a reality show later,

102. so I thought I'd drop by with the old tennis ball and chain.

103. That is neither funny nor a story

104. nor a reason for you to drop by.

105. Aw, he just wanted to come over and brag

106. about his reality show.

107. Get this, I am starring in a pilot presentation

108. for a celebrity reality show.

109. It's pretty cutting edge, huh?

110. Yeah, if it's 2003.

111. Ha ha. Don't tell VH1 that.

112. Seriously, though, please don't tell VH1 that.

113. We are calling it Peanutbutter and Jelly.

114. Get it?

115. - Because I'm Mr. Peanutbutter. - Okay, who's jelly?

116. No, no, no. It's like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

117. It's wordplay.

118. You may have too forgiving a definition

119. of the word "wordplay."

120. Well, it's a working title.

121. Well, it could be working harder, and that's wordplay.

122. How'd you even get in here?

123. Your roommate let us in.

124. Mi casa es su casa.

125. And that is the last of the Toaster Strudels,

126. and now my morning is ruined.

127. Could you guys keep it down, okay?

128. I'm kind of on a date right now.

129. In America,

130. I am actually considered very handsome.

131. Okay, I'm gonna go get breakfast,

132. and when I get back, I want everyone out of my house

133. except for you and you and—

134. - Who are you again? - The girl you had sex with.

135. Right. You definitely should have already been gone.

136. I really shouldn't eat chocolate

137. 'cause it can literally kill me.

138. Oh, I know.

139. - But I love chocolate. - Story of my life.

140. Hey, excuse me.

141. Yes, I am BoJack Horseman, star of Horsin' Around.

142. Yeah, okay, I don't care.

143. Those are my muffins.

144. I'm sorry, I— I don't understand.

145. Did you bring them into the store with you?

146. No, but I was going to buy them.

147. That's the last box, and I had dibs on them.

148. Really? You had dibs?

149. Yeah, dibs.

150. I just put them down for a second

151. while I went to the bathroom.

152. Look, I don't even want the muffins.

153. I was just looking at them, but I got to say,

154. if you put muffins down, they're not your muffins.

155. So what, I was supposed to take them

156. into the bathroom with me?

157. You didn't even put the muffins in a cart.

158. You just left them out here.

159. Yeah, in the produce section.

160. Clearly, muffins aren't supposed to be in the produce section.

161. That wasn't a sign to you that maybe someone else had dibs?

162. Look, I don't want to get into a whole thing here.

163. Then give me the muffins.

164. No, 'cause maybe now I want the muffins.

165. You think that because you're a pseudo-celebrity,

166. normal rules don't apply to you?

167. Pseudo? Would you say that to Eric McCormack?

168. Look, I've had a rough morning, so I don't need—

169. You've had a rough morning?

170. I spent the last ten months—

171. Hey!

172. Sorry, wasn't listening. See ya.

173. You're going to regret this, BoJack Horseman.

174. Oh, really?

175. I'm gonna regret buying muffins?

176. What, have they got a lot of saturated fat in them?

177. Oh, man, they do have a lot of saturated fat.

178. Why'd I buy these?

179. Man, I really regret buying those muffins

180. and then eating them all on the drive home.

181. Well, my date with Ayako went really well.

182. Thanks for asking.

183. I specifically didn't ask,

184. and I'll thank you to respect

185. my total lack of interest in your personal life.

186. She's hilarious.

187. I never met a girl who was so curious

188. about American bank routing numbers.

189. Still not interested.

190. Should we get started on the book?

191. What's your hurry?

192. What do you guys think I should get Ayako

193. for our 12-hour anniversary?

194. She wants a framed picture of my mother's maiden name.

195. Okay, let's get to work.

196. Let's start at the beginning.

197. What was your childhood like?

198. - Normal. - Normal?

199. Yeah, it was, uh, normal— normal childhood stuff.

200. Here's your omelet.

201. I'm sorry it's not as good

202. as the omelets your secretary makes,

203. but then you're not married to your secretary, are you?

204. Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion,

205. I would be.

206. Mommy, can I have an omelet?

207. You're the birthday boy.

208. Normal childhood,

209. and then just get right into the big, famous part.

210. Look, if you're not ready to talk, we can wait.

211. I am ready to talk.

212. Why wouldn't I want to talk about my parents?

213. They're so normal. That's crazy.

214. You sound like a crazy person, not me.

215. Stop being so crazy, crazy.

216. Why are you calling me crazy?

217. Okay. Was your father—

218. Hold on, I got to take this. Hello?

219. Hey, BoJack, I've got Princess Carolyn for you.

220. - It's urgent. - Great, put her on.

221. Just a sec. I'll see if she's available.

222. BoJack, are you watching MSNBSea right now?

223. Great question.

224. Well, I didn't fall down on my remote,

225. randomly changing the channel to MSNBSea

226. while simultaneously crippling myself,

227. thus physically forcing me to watch MSNBSea, so no.

228. No, I'm not watching MSNBSea right now.

229. Yeah, well, Hamlet, you might want to turn it on.

230. They're talking about you.

231. Ooh! Good things, I hope.

232. Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal,

233. a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan.

234. Welcome to the program, Neal.

235. Thank you, Tom.

236. Hey, I met this guy.

237. All Neal wanted when he got home—

238. and I emphasize, from Afghanistan—

239. was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins.

240. When he went to the supermarket and called dibs

241. on the last box—

242. Well, tell us what happened, Neal.

243. BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around,

244. refused to respect my dibs.

245. Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?

246. Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party.

247. Oh, not the sneezing pic—

248. Why do they always use the sneezing picture?

249. In the '90s, we laughed at your antics.

250. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha,"

251. we chortled in rapturous glee.

252. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women

253. on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir.

254. A sick, sick joke, indeed,

255. and you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer,

256. for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny

257. about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL.

258. Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?

259. I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL.

260. I just thought he was the regular kind of seal.

261. This is classic Hollywood elitism.

262. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV,

263. that makes him better than everybody.

264. Well, guess what, BoJack, now I'm on TV,

265. so now I'm better than everybody!

266. That's right, Neal.

267. You didn't even have dibs, you stupid sea cow.

268. You guys think I should call in and set the record straight?

269. BoJack, these people feed off controversy.

270. If you dignify the story with a response, it's just gonna fan—

271. I'm now receiving word

272. that we've got BoJack himself on the phone.

273. Sorry, stopped listening.

274. You were ramping up to a "yes," right?

275. BoJack, what you did today

276. was a slap in the face of America's heroes.

277. Will you apologize?

278. Okay, enough about America's heroes.

279. Can we talk about dibs?

280. Because he didn't even really have dibs.

281. If he had legitimate dibs—

282. Oh, I had dibs on the muffins.

283. I hid them in the produce section!

284. You left them totally out in the open.

285. That's hiding?

286. How did you survive in Afghanistan?

287. Those are my muffins!

288. You give me back my muffins!

289. Hey, guess what, I can't give them back

290. 'cause I ate them all, okay?

291. Dude.

292. Hold on, just to be clear, since this morning,

293. you ate all the muffins?

294. Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting

295. because I have no self-control and I hate myself.

296. Is that what you want to hear?

297. Neal, was it a small container of muffins,

298. like two to four muffins?

299. No, Tom, there were a good deal more than that.

300. Can you remember exactly how many muffins were in the box?

301. Yeah, there were exactly 12!

302. I ate 12 muffins, and I didn't even want one!

303. There's your goddamn news story,

304. the mystery of my missing goddamn self-respect!

305. How'd I come off?

306. Well, that went slightly better than the worst

307. it could have possibly gone, so hooray?

308. It's not even about the muffins.

309. Everyone is just out to get me

310. because I'm famous and so well-adjusted.

311. Well, at least you've got some privacy.

312. My boyfriend's filming a reality show at our house.

313. If I want to be alone, I have to go to the roof

314. because it's the only place they don't have insurance to film.

315. You go on the roof?

316. Yeah, just to get some work done.

317. Is that really weird?

318. No, it's adorable.

319. When I was a kid, I used to climb onto the roof

320. with my dad and look at the stars.

321. What about you?

322. Were you close with your father?

323. Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

324. What is this supposed to be, a lima bean?

325. It's a heart.

326. That's some shoddy craftsmanship, son.

327. - I tried my best. - No, you didn't.

328. You slacked off and took the easy way out.

329. In this world, you can either

330. do things the easy way or the right way.

331. You take a boat from here to New York,

332. you gonna go around the horn like a gentleman

333. or cut through the Panama Canal like some kind of democrat?

334. Um, the canal?

335. You go around the horn the way God intended!

336. Uneventful.

337. - What? - What?

338. I asked if you were close with your father,

339. and you sat here in silence for five minutes

340. and then said, "Uneventful."

341. You know what, this is a really good conversation,

342. and I definitely want to keep having it,

343. but I just keep thinking about the muffins thing,

344. so maybe we could put a pin in this

345. thorough deconstruction of my past,

346. so I can put that other thing

347. to bed before it spirals out of con—

348. I had dibs!

349. - My dibs were on those muffins! - Your dibs were void!

350. I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer,

351. and this is the thanks I get?

352. Really, you, specifically, made America safer?

353. Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree

354. that the troops are heroes.

355. I don't agree to that.

356. Maybe some of the troops are heroes but not automatically.

357. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks.

358. Most people are jerks already,

359. and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him

360. it's okay to kill people

361. suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.

362. What?

363. Did you just say you think the troops are jerks?

364. Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?

365. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks.

366. No, no, no.

367. - The troops are jerks? - Oh, God.

368. Most people are jerks already,

369. and it's not like giving a jerk a gun—

370. Hello?

371. Princess Carolyn needs to talk to you immediately.

372. Great, put her on.

373. She's actually just getting out of a meeting.

374. - Can you hold for a sec? - You called me.

375. Ugh.

376. - BoJack. - Ah!

377. I'm gonna level with you, honey.

378. This whole you hating the troops thing is not great.

379. I don't hate the troops.

380. I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, really.

381. I just think that he's wrong about the muffins.

382. I know, BoJack— just like always,

383. you're right, and everyone else is wrong.

384. But if you don't swallow your pride,

385. this is never gonna let up.

386. - I know you're stubborn— - I'm not stubborn.

387. - I'm proud. - That's kind of the same thing.

388. No, it's an important distinction.

389. Okay, fine. You're not stubborn.

390. But I'm about to tell you something very important,

391. so I want you to listen carefully.

392. I'm getting another call.

393. I'm gonna have to put you on hold.

394. It is now day three of the great BoJack jerk-off—

395. Really?

396. That's the name we came up with for this?

397. Who came up with that? Was it Randy?

398. Did Randy come up with that?

399. Anyway, the former television actor

400. who hates our troops has not left his home

401. since his controversial remarks on Monday

402. about how he hates the troops.

403. BoJack Horseman makes me sick.

404. He voiced his opinion, even though it was unpopular,

405. and that's the most cowardly thing a person can do.

406. After we made love, he covered himself in sheets like an Arab.

407. At this very moment,

408. Congress is voting on a major education bill

409. that could completely restructure the—

410. Joan, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

411. but we've got some big news on the BoJack Horseman front.

412. It appears that BoJack's Lexus is coming out of the garage.

413. This is very big news, indeed.

414. Any comment on BoJack's controversial remarks this week?

415. Uh, nope.

416. So where are we going?

417. Don't worry, I've got a plan.

418. Whoa!

419. Jeez.

420. Ayako, hey, I need you to get me three tickets to Kyoto.

421. You son of a bitch!

422. You told me you were

423. an obscenely rich American entrepreneur.

424. You had eighty dollars in your bank account.

425. Eighty!

426. Hey, I meant I was rich

427. because I have friends like George Bailey.

428. Who the shit is George Bailey?

429. Do you have any idea how much work went into scamming you?

430. George Bailey!

431. Hello?

432. Well, I'm out of ideas.

433. We can hide out at my place while we make a plan.

434. Yeah, great, just get me away from the cameras.

435. Do we really need to be filming this?

436. It's for my reality show.

437. You never know when gold's gonna strike.

438. Yeah, gold doesn't strike.

439. That's why you never know.

440. BoJack, be nice.

441. Just pretend they're not there.

442. Okay. Well, I—

443. Could you speak up, please?

444. - I'd like to— - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

445. That's too loud.

446. I want to fix this as quickly as possible.

447. I don't care who was right about the muffins anymore,

448. even though I was definitely right.

449. I just want my privacy back, so I can finish writing

450. my tell-all memoir, so everyone will pay attention to me again.

451. I've already reached out to the McBeal camp.

452. He's willing to publicly forgive you if you publicly apologize

453. and present to him a box of muffins as a symbol

454. of your great admiration for the American military

455. and everything they do.

456. But I ate the muffins.

457. I know. We got another box.

458. It's in the cupboard.

459. Oh, you were saving those? I ate those too.

460. We've been here for ten minutes!

461. It's okay, we'll get more muffins.

462. I'll get the muffins, and they're on me.

463. I just found out I got 80 bucks in the bank.

464. I'm helping! Hooray!

465. So where are we gonna do this?

466. Do I have to go on MSNBSea?

467. No, we should do it somewhere people will actually see it.

468. Oh, why don't you do it on Peanutbutter and Jelly?

469. You can't call a show Peanutbutter and Jelly

470. if there's no jelly.

471. It's a pun.

472. It's not a pun if it only works one way.

473. Is this a necessary conversation

474. to be having right now?

475. Look, I know tempers are high,

476. but let's not take it out on the great title

477. for my reality show,

478. which we all agree is really clever.

479. We can edit this to make me look smart, right?

480. How's this look? Looks good?

481. - Okay. - Marker, sound, speed.

482. Well, here I am, hanging out

483. with my good friend BoJack Horseman,

484. enjoying each other's company,

485. as we often do.

486. Yes, this is all very authentic and natural.

487. Oh, someone's at the door!

488. I will see who it is.

489. Wow, this is a surprise.

490. Neal McBeal.

491. Hello, sir.

492. Thank you for inviting me into your home. It is lovely.

493. BoJack, is there anything you'd like to give Neal McBeal?

494. Ahem.

495. Oh, yeah, Todd?

496. What the hell is this?

497. I tried to buy the muffins,

498. but my bank card got declined for some reason.

499. But don't worry, I still saved the day

500. because I found this bag of stale hamburger buns.

501. I'm sorry?

502. Yeah, they're just giving them away behind In-N-Out.

503. Why does anybody pay for anything?

504. Ow.

505. Uh, Neal, as a token of my admiration,

506. please accept this bag of stale hamburger buns.

507. - What? - Yes, hamburger buns.

508. It's a symbol for how we throw our veterans

509. in the trash, sadly, far too often.

510. I'm listening.

511. We send our muffins overseas,

512. and they come back as stale hamburger buns,

513. but that doesn't mean we should love them any less,

514. because in their own way,

515. aren't stale hamburger buns just as good?

516. Mmm.

517. American made.

518. So what you're saying is,

519. you think I'm a hero.

520. Well, I don't know if I—

521. Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.

522. You're a hero.

523. The troops are all heroes, every single one.

524. Great.

525. And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word

526. and actually disrespects those we mean to honor

527. by turning real people into political pawns.

528. Okay, you can let go of the bag now.

529. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent

530. about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military

531. by a nation that claims to value peace

532. telling our children that violence is never the answer

533. while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard.

534. Yeah, me neither. I think we're in agreement here.

535. Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate

536. that this conversation is taking place on reality television,

537. a genre which thrives on

538. chopping the complexities of our era

539. into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.

540. Okay.

541. And finally, I don't—

542. Hey, look, Mr. Peanutbutter got a bucket stuck on his head.

543. Guys, guys, where am I? Can someone tell me where I am?

544. Hey, where'd he get that bucket from?

545. Who gave him a bucket?

546. Uh, actually, I had another point I wanted to make.

547. Yeah, but who doesn't love a dog with a bucket on his head?

548. Come on.

549. Bucket! Bucket!

550. Bucket!

551. Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket!

552. Hey, can anyone find a handle?

553. Oh, thank you, my friend.

554. You're a real hero.

555. Unbelievable.

556. What's your name, young lady?

557. Well, my real name's Angela,

558. but my friends call me Jelly.

559. What? Oh, my God, did we get that?

560. Please tell me we got that.

561. You want a day-old hamburger bun?

562. I'm all right. How'd it go down there?

563. You know what the problem is with everybody?

564. They all just want to hear what they already believe.

565. No one ever wants to hear the truth.

566. I want to hear the truth.

567. I don't know if you want to tell it, though.

568. What do you mean?

569. Mr. Normal Childhood, Mr. Uneventful Father?

570. Look, I can write you the standard

571. empty-calorie celebrity tell-some,

572. if that's what you're looking for,

573. but I thought you might want more than that.

574. I do.

575. Well, then you're going to have to open up

576. and give me something real.

577. What, you think I can't open up?

578. Well, I don't know if you can or not.

579. You certainly haven't.

580. Okay, from now on, full truth, warts and all.

581. You're not gonna make me look like an asshole, are you?

582. I don't know, are you an asshole?

583. Okay, full truth, here we go.

584. You want to know about my parents?

585. They drank a lot.

586. My father was a failed novelist.

587. My mother was the heiress to the Sugarman sugar cubes fortune,

588. and my dad resented her for it.

589. He used to make me cry with him

590. while listening to Cole Porter records.

591. He made me build my own tree house,

592. and then he tore it down while I was at summer camp

593. because instead of hearty, Christian nails,

594. I used screws, which he called fancy Jew nails.

595. Like I said, totally normal.

596. Boxer versus raptor.