1. Horsin' Around is filmed
before a live studio audience.Copy !req
2. Mondays.Copy !req
3. Well, good morning to you too.Copy !req
4. Oh, hey.Copy !req
5. Where?
I'd love hay.Copy !req
6. In 1987, the situation comedy
Horsin' AroundCopy !req
7. premiered on ABC.Copy !req
8. The show, in which
a young, bachelor horseCopy !req
9. is forced to reevaluate
his prioritiesCopy !req
10. when he agrees to raise
three human children,Copy !req
11. was initially dismissed
by criticsCopy !req
12. as broad and saccharine
and not good,Copy !req
13. but the family comedy struck
a chord with AmericaCopy !req
14. and went on to air
for nine seasons.Copy !req
15. The star of Horsin' Around,
BoJack Horseman,Copy !req
16. is our guest tonight.Copy !req
17. Welcome, BoJack.Copy !req
18. It is good to be here, Charlie.Copy !req
19. Sorry I was late.
The traffic...Copy !req
20. It's really no problem.Copy !req
21. I parked in a handicapped spot.Copy !req
22. I hope that's okay.Copy !req
23. You parked in a...Copy !req
24. I'm sorry, disabled spot.Copy !req
25. Is that the proper nomenclature?Copy !req
26. Maybe you should move the car.Copy !req
27. No, I don't think
I should drive right now.Copy !req
28. I'm incredibly drunk.Copy !req
29. You're telling me
that you're drunk right now?Copy !req
30. Is it just me,
or am I nailing this interview?Copy !req
31. I kind of feel like
I'm nailing it.Copy !req
32. Yes.Copy !req
33. Anyway, we were talking
about Horsin' Around.Copy !req
34. To what do you attribute
the show's wide appeal?Copy !req
35. Charlie, listen, you know,Copy !req
36. I know that it's very hip
these daysCopy !req
37. to shit all over Horsin' Around,Copy !req
38. but at the time,
I can tell you...Copy !req
39. - Is it okay to say "shit"?
- Please don't.Copy !req
40. 'Cause I... I think the show'sCopy !req
41. actually pretty solid
for what it is.Copy !req
42. It's not Ibsen, sure,Copy !req
43. but look, for a lot of people,Copy !req
44. life is just one long,
hard kick in the urethra,Copy !req
45. and sometimes when you get homeCopy !req
46. from a long day of
getting kicked in the urethra,Copy !req
47. you just want to watch a show
about good, likable peopleCopy !req
48. who love each other,Copy !req
49. where, you know,
no matter what happens,Copy !req
50. at the end of 30 minutes,Copy !req
51. everything's
gonna turn out okay.Copy !req
52. You know, because in real life...Copy !req
53. Did I already say the thing
about the urethra?Copy !req
54. Well, let's talk
about real life.Copy !req
55. What have you been doing
since the show's cancellationCopy !req
56. 18 years ago?Copy !req
57. That's a great question,
Charlie.Copy !req
58. I, uh...Copy !req
59. Uh, I...Copy !req
60. Um...Copy !req
61. Maury! Maury!
Maury! Maury!Copy !req
62. In the case
of one-year-old Phoenix,Copy !req
63. you are the father.Copy !req
64. Morning, sunshine.Copy !req
65. Why so gloomy, roomie?Copy !req
66. First of all,
we're not roommates.Copy !req
67. You are my houseguest.Copy !req
68. Well, we don't need
to put labels on things.Copy !req
69. You sleep on my couch,
and you don't pay rent.Copy !req
70. I've had tapeworms
that were less parasitic.Copy !req
71. I don't even remember
why I let youCopy !req
72. stay with me in the first place.Copy !req
73. Because my parents
kicked me out,Copy !req
74. and I had nowhere to go,Copy !req
75. and even though you don't want
anyone to know it...Copy !req
76. You secretly have a good heart.Copy !req
77. You told me they didn't approveCopy !req
78. of your "alternative lifestyle."Copy !req
79. I thought you were, like,Copy !req
80. a troubled gay teen
or something.Copy !req
81. I didn't realize
by "alternative lifestyle"Copy !req
82. that you meant you were lazy.Copy !req
83. That's on you
for making assumptions.Copy !req
84. Also, if you're looking
for the Toaster Strudels,Copy !req
85. I got really high last night
and ate them all.Copy !req
86. Did you say
you've had tapeworms?Copy !req
87. Thanks for meeting me here.Copy !req
88. I would have invited you
to my office,Copy !req
89. but the electric company
shut off our power.Copy !req
90. That's unfortunate.Copy !req
91. Just an issue with the bankCopy !req
92. and a lack of money in it.Copy !req
93. Now, as you know,
Penguin is very eagerCopy !req
94. to publish your memoirs,Copy !req
95. but you keep missing
your deadlines.Copy !req
96. I know, and I'm sorry,Copy !req
97. but I am making great progress.Copy !req
98. BoJack Horseman:
The BoJack Horseman Story,Copy !req
99. written by BoJack Horseman.Copy !req
100. Chapter one.Copy !req
101. Chapter one.Copy !req
102. Chapter...Copy !req
103. One.Copy !req
104. Look, we really need
a bestseller here at Penguin.Copy !req
105. Things are not that great
for me, money wise.Copy !req
106. Aren't you an editor
at a major publishing house?Copy !req
107. Yeah, a publishing house.Copy !req
108. When was the last time
you saw a book?Copy !req
109. I thought I saw someoneCopy !req
110. reading one in the park
the other day,Copy !req
111. but it turned out
it was a takeout menu.Copy !req
112. Whenever you're ready.Copy !req
113. We're living
month to month here.Copy !req
114. We're kind of counting
on your autobiographyCopy !req
115. to save the company,
no pressure.Copy !req
116. That's actually
a lot of pressure.Copy !req
117. Have you considered working
with a ghostwriter?Copy !req
118. Ugh, no, thank you.Copy !req
119. Look, just give me
one more week,Copy !req
120. and I will give you some pagesCopy !req
121. that'll knock your ass
back to the South Pole.Copy !req
122. I'm from Cincinnati.Copy !req
123. It... that doesn't matter.Copy !req
124. I'll call you in a week.Copy !req
125. Yes, one week.Copy !req
126. I'm telling you,Copy !req
127. this book is a top priority
for me.Copy !req
128. Oh, right.
Yeesh.Copy !req
129. You're wearing that to the prom?Copy !req
130. What, you don't think it's cute?Copy !req
131. Neigh way, Jose.Copy !req
132. "Neigh way, Jose."Copy !req
133. I improvised that line.Copy !req
134. I mean, it was written,Copy !req
135. but I gave it
the old BoJack spin.Copy !req
136. Hey, how many times
have you watched this episode?Copy !req
137. Yeah, but do you get it, though?Copy !req
138. Because "nay" means no,Copy !req
139. but it's also a thing
that horses say.Copy !req
140. It works on every level.Copy !req
141. - I get it.
- Ah, you don't get it.Copy !req
142. Are you drunk?Copy !req
143. Todd, I weigh over 1,200 pounds.Copy !req
144. It takes a lot of beer
to get me drunk.Copy !req
145. Yes.Copy !req
146. Ah, yeah, I see.Copy !req
147. You're just bummed out
because Princess CarolynCopy !req
148. dumped you last night.Copy !req
149. BoJack, we need to talk.Copy !req
150. Hey, check out the rug
on that guy.Copy !req
151. Slow and steady,
am I right, ladies?Copy !req
152. Ha-cha-cha.Copy !req
153. Who does he think he's fooling?Copy !req
154. Turtles don't have hair.Copy !req
155. Stop embarrassing me.Copy !req
156. That is Lenny Turteltaub.Copy !req
157. You know, I am not crazy
about the bread here.Copy !req
158. Mm.Copy !req
159. Why do I keep eating it?Copy !req
160. BoJack, can you please
just listen for a second?Copy !req
161. You have my undivided attention.Copy !req
162. I think
we should see other people.Copy !req
163. Were we not seeing other people?Copy !req
164. BoJack, I'm almost there.Copy !req
165. Wait. Shh!
Shut up.Copy !req
166. Now, that's a horse
of a different...Copy !req
167. cruller?Copy !req
168. Oh!Copy !req
169. God, that's good comedy.Copy !req
170. - BoJack!
- What?Copy !req
171. Everyone gets a mulligan,Copy !req
172. and my mulligan
was Carey Mulligan.Copy !req
173. I'm kidding, jeez.
It was Emily Mortimer.Copy !req
174. What is the problem here?Copy !req
175. Are you embarrassed of me
because I'm a has-been?Copy !req
176. Because you know
that I'm writing that bookCopy !req
177. that is gonna make
everybody love me again.Copy !req
178. You're not really
writing a book.Copy !req
179. Well, I already
spent my advance,Copy !req
180. so that's a first step.Copy !req
181. Look, this has been
a lot of fun,Copy !req
182. but I need to start
thinking about my future.Copy !req
183. I mean, you don't even
respect me enoughCopy !req
184. to have a baby with me.Copy !req
185. Whoa, what?Copy !req
186. I never explicitly said that.Copy !req
187. You said it with your actions.Copy !req
188. What actions?Copy !req
189. Oh, look at that baby.Copy !req
190. Isn't he the cutest baby
you ever saw?Copy !req
191. What? What? What?
No, no, wha...Copy !req
192. Step away
from the stolen vehicle, sir!Copy !req
193. No, no, no.
Misunderstanding, officer.Copy !req
194. I was running away
from my girlfriendCopy !req
195. whom I don't respect enough
to have a baby with.Copy !req
196. Hey, aren't you the horse
from Horsin' Around?Copy !req
197. Oh, face it.
You're afraid of commitment.Copy !req
198. I'm not afraid of commitment.Copy !req
199. I commit to things all the time.Copy !req
200. It's the following through
on that commitmentCopy !req
201. that I take issue with.Copy !req
202. Hey, stupid, isn't that
your friend over there?Copy !req
203. Oh, Mr. Peanutbutter?Copy !req
204. God, I hope he doesn't see us.Copy !req
205. Is that BoJack Horseman?Copy !req
206. Oh, jeez, here we go.Copy !req
207. Mr. PeanutbutterCopy !req
208. and BoJack Horseman
in the same room.Copy !req
209. What is this,
a crossover episode?Copy !req
210. You know,
that gets funnier every time.Copy !req
211. You're being sarcastic,Copy !req
212. but I think it does actually
get funnier every time.Copy !req
213. We're actually in the middle
of breaking up right now,Copy !req
214. - so if you could just...
- Yeah?Copy !req
215. - You're in the middle of it?
- Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
216. So would it be awkward
if I joined you right now?Copy !req
217. Yes, actually,
it's very awkward.Copy !req
218. Is that not clear?Copy !req
219. Yeah, this is awkward right now?Copy !req
220. Yes, please leave.Copy !req
221. How are you,
Mr. Peanutbutter?Copy !req
222. Oh, living the dream, P.C.,
living the dream.Copy !req
223. Why are you making conversation?Copy !req
224. Oh, let's see,
it's the English word...Copy !req
225. It's called being polite,
BoJack.Copy !req
226. But am I crazy
that this is a bad time?Copy !req
227. Always a Clydesdale,
never a Clyde, eh, BoJack?Copy !req
228. What?Copy !req
229. You'll get that one later, man.Copy !req
230. Erica, get out of here
with that face.Copy !req
231. Would it kill you to be civil?Copy !req
232. This is why we're breaking up.Copy !req
233. So it's not because
of the thing with the baby?Copy !req
234. It's because of a lot of things!Copy !req
235. Waiter, could we please
have the check?Copy !req
236. - Thank you.
- We haven't even ordered yet.Copy !req
237. I have wasted so many dinners
on you, BoJack Horseman.Copy !req
238. I don't know how you can expect
anyone else to love youCopy !req
239. when you so clearly
hate yourself.Copy !req
240. - Here you go.
- Let me see that.Copy !req
241. $10 for bread?Copy !req
242. I don't want to live
in a societyCopy !req
243. where the premeal bread
isn't free.Copy !req
244. It is free if you order a meal.Copy !req
245. Can you take me home, please?Copy !req
246. Yeah, but I didn't even
eat that much bread.Copy !req
247. What did I have?
I must have had...Copy !req
248. You ate nine baskets, sir.Copy !req
249. Nine... really?Copy !req
250. Great, now I'm gonna feel like
a fat ass all week.Copy !req
251. You've seen me naked.
Do you think I'm getting chubby?Copy !req
252. You want to know the real
reason we're breaking up?Copy !req
253. What was that?
Sorry.Copy !req
254. Couldn't hear you over the sound
of my calories not metabolizing.Copy !req
255. This is so classic you.Copy !req
256. You're using this bread thingCopy !req
257. to avoid talking
about our relationship.Copy !req
258. No, that is definitely
not happening.Copy !req
259. I'd like to go home now.Copy !req
260. You think I'm fat.Copy !req
261. So yeah,
technically I was dumped,Copy !req
262. but the real headline
of the evening was,Copy !req
263. "Dumb guy eats bread,
gets fat, the end."Copy !req
264. What kind of headline is that?Copy !req
265. Wasn't there a pizza here
a second ago?Copy !req
266. God damn it!
Stop the presses.Copy !req
267. You're not fat.Copy !req
268. Oh, hey, let's throw a party.
That'll cheer you up.Copy !req
269. No, it won't.
It'll cheer you up.Copy !req
270. I'll stand in the corner
by myselfCopy !req
271. eating cotton candy until I barfCopy !req
272. like I did at your last party.Copy !req
273. Hey, aren't you the horse
from Horsin' Around?Copy !req
274. That was a good party.Copy !req
275. Hey, didn't we get a cotton
candy machine for that party?Copy !req
276. Who told you Princess Carolyn
and I broke up?Copy !req
277. - She did.
- What?Copy !req
278. You never took me home, jerk!Copy !req
279. Oh, everything's my fault.Copy !req
280. Take me home.Copy !req
281. Okay, jeez.Copy !req
282. But I'm not looking
for parking in Silver Lake.Copy !req
283. I'll slow the car down
to a crawl,Copy !req
284. and you can duck and roll.Copy !req
285. You know what, you can take
a last look at this face,Copy !req
286. because it's the last time
you're gonna see it.Copy !req
287. Hey-up!Copy !req
288. Hello?Copy !req
289. I've got Princess Carolyn
for you.Copy !req
290. Uh, okay.Copy !req
291. BoJack.Copy !req
292. Oh, my God, we just broke up.Copy !req
293. Yeah, but I'm still your agent.Copy !req
294. I pride myself on my abilityCopy !req
295. to separate my professional life
from my personal life.Copy !req
296. Great.Copy !req
297. Then, as my agent,
do you think I'm getting fat?Copy !req
298. No way.Copy !req
299. You are in the prime of
your life, never looked better.Copy !req
300. What about as my ex-girlfriend?Copy !req
301. You look like a pile of crap
ate a second pile of crapCopy !req
302. and then crapped out
a third pile of crap.Copy !req
303. Wait, wait, so which pile
of crap do I look like?Copy !req
304. - The third one.
- What? That's the worst one.Copy !req
305. I'm not calling you as your ex.Copy !req
306. I'm calling you as your agent.Copy !req
307. Remember that book
you're pretending to write?Copy !req
308. Well, Penguin wants an update
on your progress.Copy !req
309. Does Tuesday work for you,Copy !req
310. or are you gonna be too busy
this weekCopy !req
311. masturbating to old pictures
of yourself?Copy !req
312. I told you, that's not
what was happening that time.Copy !req
313. I was masturbating to what
the picture represented.Copy !req
314. You walked in
at the worst possible moment!Copy !req
315. So, Tuesday, though?Copy !req
316. Yes, fine!Copy !req
317. Whoo!Copy !req
318. You don't have anything?Copy !req
319. Hey, you got
the electricity back.Copy !req
320. Good for you.Copy !req
321. This company is in dire straits.Copy !req
322. We made a series
of very bad investments.Copy !req
323. Ever hear
of a young adult franchiseCopy !req
324. called the Swamp Monsters
of Malibu?Copy !req
325. Uh, no.Copy !req
326. Then why did we spend
$20 million on marketing?Copy !req
327. It's okay, Pinky,
go to your happy place.Copy !req
328. Uh...Copy !req
329. Look, I know you're a busy guy.Copy !req
330. Actually, I am a busy guy.Copy !req
331. I live a very active lifestyle.Copy !req
332. Can't I just stay home with you?Copy !req
333. I know kindergarten is scary,Copy !req
334. but you're a big girl now,Copy !req
335. and you have to be brave.Copy !req
336. Okay, Daddy.Copy !req
337. Wait, did you just
call me "Daddy"?Copy !req
338. Little Sabrina grew up right
before our eyes, right, Todd?Copy !req
339. Todd?Copy !req
340. Todd!Copy !req
341. What?Copy !req
342. Did Sabrina grow up
before our eyes?Copy !req
343. Yes!Copy !req
344. We're tired of waiting.Copy !req
345. We're hiring you a ghostwriter.Copy !req
346. Diane "Nugent"?Copy !req
347. She's great, and she's got
a thing for horses.Copy !req
348. Check this out.Copy !req
349. Hey, Secretariat.Copy !req
350. You know, I always wanted
to play Secretariat in a movie.Copy !req
351. He's kind of my personal hero.Copy !req
352. Could never get the project
off the ground, though.Copy !req
353. I mean, there was this one time
I came close in the '90s,Copy !req
354. but then those
Prefontaine movies came out,Copy !req
355. and people got tired
of seeing running on-screen.Copy !req
356. Don't tell me.
Tell her!Copy !req
357. She's cute.Copy !req
358. Call her.
That's a loan, by the way.Copy !req
359. We can't afford to be giving out
free books to people,Copy !req
360. but you can take
anything you wantCopy !req
361. from the Swamp Monsters
swag box.Copy !req
362. Oh, God, I'm a failure.Copy !req
363. Oh, you're not a failure.Copy !req
364. Why did I say
I could write a book?Copy !req
365. Because you have
an amazing story to tell.Copy !req
366. - Relax.
- Relax?Copy !req
367. Easy for you to say, you hippie.Copy !req
368. You've never had a day of stress
in your life.Copy !req
369. Ow. Why?Copy !req
370. And that's for trying
to sell E on the cartel's turf.Copy !req
371. Oh, where's Gabriela?Copy !req
372. She went back
to Mexico City, ese,Copy !req
373. to be with her husband.Copy !req
374. What? No!Copy !req
375. - Gabriela, why?
- Who?Copy !req
376. We were talking about me.Copy !req
377. Can you try to focus
for, like, a second?Copy !req
378. Oh, yeah, sorry.
You were saying?Copy !req
379. Never should have signed
this book deal.Copy !req
380. You know what my problem is?Copy !req
381. I can't say no to peopleCopy !req
382. because I want everyone
to like me.Copy !req
383. You want everyone to like you?Copy !req
384. Yeah, why?Copy !req
385. Do people not like me?Copy !req
386. Uh...Copy !req
387. Uh...Copy !req
388. What were we talking about?Copy !req
389. I can see the headline now,Copy !req
390. "Stupid BoJack writes a stupid
book about his stupid life,Copy !req
391. nobody cares."Copy !req
392. What newspapers are you reading?Copy !req
393. Hey, why don't you just let
that ladyCopy !req
394. write your book
and be done with it?Copy !req
395. Better question,
why are you in my kitchen?Copy !req
396. I'm making breakfast.Copy !req
397. We had sex last night, dummy.Copy !req
398. Ugh, I really got to start
putting my phoneCopy !req
399. on airplane mode when I drink.Copy !req
400. This lady probably thinks
I'm just some dumb sitcom actor.Copy !req
401. I hate her and her stupid,Copy !req
402. impossible-to-pronounce
last name,Copy !req
403. Na-goo-ya-go-goo-goo-goo-ga.Copy !req
404. You haven't even met her.Copy !req
405. Give her a chance.Copy !req
406. Oh, you should invite her
to the party.Copy !req
407. What party?Copy !req
408. Why are you so obsessedCopy !req
409. with throwing a party
all of a sudden?Copy !req
410. Ow, ow, ow!Copy !req
411. You know how much money
we lost 'cause of you?Copy !req
412. I can't even afford a hall now
for my daughter's 15th birthday,Copy !req
413. and now I got a hundred guests
coming and nowhere to put them.Copy !req
414. You owe me a party, cabrón,
and if you don't deliver...Copy !req
415. Because parties are fun?Copy !req
416. This book
is really important to me.Copy !req
417. I don't want to just
hand it off to some stranger.Copy !req
418. If it's so important,
why have you writtenCopy !req
419. literally nothing
in a year and a half?Copy !req
420. It's too much pressure.Copy !req
421. This book is my one shot
at preserving my legacy.Copy !req
422. I'm a joke,
and if this book isn't good,Copy !req
423. I'm gonna be a joke forever.Copy !req
424. Everyone thinks that I'm just
this washed-up hack,Copy !req
425. but actually...Copy !req
426. Oh, God, actually,
what if they're right?Copy !req
427. I can't breathe.Copy !req
428. Am I dying?Copy !req
429. Toast.
I smell burning toast!Copy !req
430. Oh, my God, my toast!Copy !req
431. Todd, on my grave,Copy !req
432. I want it to say
that I was born in 1975.Copy !req
433. No one's gonna believe...Copy !req
434. Damn it, can't you respect
a dying man's wish?Copy !req
435. You're not dying.Copy !req
436. Well,
we did everything we could.Copy !req
437. Nurse, record the time of death.Copy !req
438. It doesn't get easier.Copy !req
439. It never gets easier.Copy !req
440. What... I don't...Copy !req
441. What do you mean he's dead?Copy !req
442. That's right, sweetheart.Copy !req
443. He died of a broken heartCopy !req
444. because you didn't
appreciate him enough,Copy !req
445. and now he's gone forever.Copy !req
446. We might have gone too dark
on that series finale.Copy !req
447. I'm required to hand you overCopy !req
448. to the child protective
services.Copy !req
449. You're the state's problem now.Copy !req
450. No!Copy !req
451. Do you just take those DVDs
with you everywhere you go?Copy !req
452. Linus walked around
with a blanket.Copy !req
453. No one gave him shit for it.Copy !req
454. How long is that doctor
going to take?Copy !req
455. I have a meeting
with another client at 3:00.Copy !req
456. You have other clients?Copy !req
457. No, I make a living off you
sitting on your ass all day.Copy !req
458. Are your other clients
more talented than I am?Copy !req
459. Your silence speaks volumes.Copy !req
460. Well, BoJack, it looks like
what you experiencedCopy !req
461. was a mild anxiety attack.Copy !req
462. Jesus, if that's mild,Copy !req
463. I don't want to know
what spicy feels like.Copy !req
464. Too smart for the room?Copy !req
465. It was a salsa joke, people.Copy !req
466. You've been overstressed.Copy !req
467. I need you to take it easy.Copy !req
468. Take it easy, are you kidding?Copy !req
469. He doesn't have a job.
He has no real responsibilities.Copy !req
470. He doesn't do anything
but take it easy.Copy !req
471. Well, can you take it
even easier?Copy !req
472. I can try, doctor.
I can try.Copy !req
473. This book deal is
obviously stressing you out.Copy !req
474. Will you just call
the ghostwriter already?Copy !req
475. What, you want me to call
this woman on the phone?Copy !req
476. Well, you just had
another anxiety attack.Copy !req
477. And Entertainment Weekly
said I wasn't consistent.Copy !req
478. Really, not even a pity laugh?Copy !req
479. I did almost die.Copy !req
480. Ha.Copy !req
481. I have to check
on some other patients.Copy !req
482. You have other patients?Copy !req
483. BoJack,
let's have a party, okay?Copy !req
484. I'll organize the whole thing.Copy !req
485. You can invite the ghostwriterCopy !req
486. and have a nice,
casual conversationCopy !req
487. in a fun,
pressure-free environment.Copy !req
488. Okay, fine.
We'll have a party.Copy !req
489. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
490. But we're not getting
a cotton candy machine.Copy !req
491. I can't control myself
around those things.Copy !req
492. I totally hear
what you are saying,Copy !req
493. and I will do my best.Copy !req
494. Señor Horseman, I will never
forget your generosity today.Copy !req
495. You have made
a powerful ally for life.Copy !req
496. Mwah.
Let's dance!Copy !req
497. Todd, who was that guy?Copy !req
498. Who are all these people?Copy !req
499. Oh, you know,
just a variety of folksCopy !req
500. from all walks of life.Copy !req
501. Is this a quinceañera?Copy !req
502. Oh, so any party
with Mexican teenage girlsCopy !req
503. is a quinceañera?Copy !req
504. Now who's racist?Copy !req
505. I find that piñata offensive.Copy !req
506. If you'll excuse me,Copy !req
507. I have a Virgin of Guadalupe
pendant to present.Copy !req
508. BoJack!Copy !req
509. Oh, good Lord.Copy !req
510. Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter.Copy !req
511. Can you believe this,
the two of us in the same house?Copy !req
512. Is this a crossover episode?Copy !req
513. No, I'm just kidding around,
man.Copy !req
514. Seriously, though, how are you?Copy !req
515. Well, I've been kind of up and...Copy !req
516. Living the dream, huh?
Yeah.Copy !req
517. Hey, we'll catch up later,
all right?Copy !req
518. I want to talk to you.Copy !req
519. Erica, how are you looking
so beautiful?Copy !req
520. I'm furious.Copy !req
521. Hey, BoJack, right?Copy !req
522. - BoJack Horseman?
- Yes.Copy !req
523. Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, I don't want
to mispronounce your name.Copy !req
524. It's Diane.Copy !req
525. Oh, Diane.Copy !req
526. Thanks for inviting me
to your party.Copy !req
527. Sorry I haven't really
been mingling.Copy !req
528. I get kind of awkward
at parties.Copy !req
529. - Have you tried alcohol?
- I don't know.Copy !req
530. Parties make me anxious
in a real broad sense.Copy !req
531. Like, look at that guy.Copy !req
532. He's having fun.Copy !req
533. Why haven't I figured it out?Copy !req
534. What guy?Copy !req
535. No, there's no guy there.Copy !req
536. I'm just saying, like,
a guy, you know?Copy !req
537. Oh, okay, yeah.Copy !req
538. I'm probably
just overthinking itCopy !req
539. because I never got the practiceCopy !req
540. because I didn't get invited
to any parties in high school.Copy !req
541. What am I talking about?Copy !req
542. You don't care
about any of that.Copy !req
543. Shut up, Diane.Copy !req
544. You're at a party,
compliment the host.Copy !req
545. You have a lovely home.Copy !req
546. Yeah, well,
if you're gonna throw awayCopy !req
547. most of your adult life
on some dumb sitcom,Copy !req
548. you might as well get a sweet
house out of the deal, right?Copy !req
549. So what are you
working on these days?Copy !req
550. Well, mostly
I just sit around the houseCopy !req
551. and complain about things.Copy !req
552. Yeah, how's that
working out for you?Copy !req
553. I can't complain, so you know.Copy !req
554. No, I will not
have sex with you!Copy !req
555. This girl wants me
to have sex with her.Copy !req
556. No, I'm just kidding around.Copy !req
557. You're a good sport.Copy !req
558. - Ugh, you know who that is?
- Mr. Peanutbutter?Copy !req
559. Yeah, he was on that show
Mr. Peanutbutter's HouseCopy !req
560. about that dog who adopted
the three human kids.Copy !req
561. What a dumb idea for a TV show.Copy !req
562. You people are all right.Copy !req
563. Who wants an autograph?Copy !req
564. He's so stupid
he doesn't realizeCopy !req
565. how miserable he should be.
I envy that.Copy !req
566. Hey, do you know the story
of the dad from The Brady Bunch?Copy !req
567. Do I know his story?Copy !req
568. If I recall correctly,Copy !req
569. he was bringing up
three boys of his own.Copy !req
570. Right, but...Copy !req
571. They were four men
living all together,Copy !req
572. but they were all alone.Copy !req
573. That is profoundly sad.Copy !req
574. No, the story is that the guy
who played the dadCopy !req
575. hated being on The Brady Bunch
because he was a real actor,Copy !req
576. and he considered it
beneath him.Copy !req
577. Sound familiar?Copy !req
578. That's not all
that was beneath him.Copy !req
579. Gay joke.
Sorry, I'm better than that.Copy !req
580. Most people don't even get to doCopy !req
581. The Brady Bunch versionCopy !req
582. of the thing they want to do
with their lives.Copy !req
583. You're actually
in a really good position now,Copy !req
584. because you can pretty much
do anything you want.Copy !req
585. You're responsible for
your own happiness, you know?Copy !req
586. - Good Lord, that's depressing.
- No, it's not.Copy !req
587. I'm responsible
for my own happiness?Copy !req
588. I can't even be responsible
for my own breakfast.Copy !req
589. Todd!Copy !req
590. I need help.Copy !req
591. What would make you happy?Copy !req
592. Well, finishing my memoir,
I guess.Copy !req
593. Is that all?
I can help you with that.Copy !req
594. Yeah?
I mean, would you even want to?Copy !req
595. You'd have to spend
a lot of time with me.Copy !req
596. You'd probably get sick of me.Copy !req
597. I don't think
that's going to happen.Copy !req
598. - No?
- No, BoJack.Copy !req
599. Okay.Copy !req
600. Well, then I guess you're hired,Copy !req
601. but don't put all that stuff
about how sad I am in the book.Copy !req
602. Oh, that doesn't count.Copy !req
603. We weren't on the clock yet.Copy !req
604. Yeah, exactly.Copy !req
605. You're only my ghostwriter
starting nah...Copy !req
606. - Starting now.
- You got it.Copy !req
607. - BoJack!
- Ugh, this guy.Copy !req
608. Hey, man,
wanted to let you know,Copy !req
609. you are out of beer.Copy !req
610. Oh, I see you've metCopy !req
611. my beautiful girlfriend,
Diane Nguyen.Copy !req
612. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.Copy !req
613. You drank all my beer?Copy !req
614. - Also, you two are dating?
- Yeah.Copy !req
615. - You're dating him?
- Yes.Copy !req
616. This is your boyfriend?Copy !req
617. - That is correct.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
618. - You are going out with you?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
619. But in a sexual way,
not just as friends?Copy !req
620. - That's right.
- You have seen her naked.Copy !req
621. Many times, yes.Copy !req
622. - You are attracted to this?
- Yes.Copy !req
623. This penis has been
inside this vagina.Copy !req
624. - Yep.
- But in a sexual way.Copy !req
625. Oh, yes.Copy !req
626. Humph.Copy !req
627. - Ugh.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
628. Are you okay?Copy !req
629. I'm just...Copy !req
630. I'm fine.Copy !req
631. I'm just...
I'm really happy for you.Copy !req
632. Should we get someone, or...Copy !req
633. No, everything's...Copy !req
634. Oh, this is really...Copy !req
635. Wonderful.Copy !req
636. Oh, God.Copy !req
637. Starting now.Copy !req
638. Boxer versus raptor.Copy !req